I wanted to give a little update. I also want to apologize for not being there more for some of you, not having been around these boards for some time. It doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about you.
I am having issues managing my feelings of abandonment fears… Three months ago I met someone that I really like (and love, by now).
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https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325764.0)
My new boyfriend doesn't have those feelings anymore of doubt whether he wants to be in a relationship. He doesn’t want to run anymore when we have a discussion either. Since he’s superhonest, I suppose I can believe his words when he tells me this.
He does have the feeling he wants to have more 'me time', space. It's true that we have spent a lot of time together, up to the point that sometimes I didn't have time anymore to do simple chores in the house. While initially it was me needing more space (and him giving it to me naturally), now it’s him. (Maybe I also still do but it’s kind of suppressed since my separation anxiety has started to kick in, totally overblowing my fear of committing :-P)
He told me he needed some more time for himself on Tuesday. This was after a week of traveling together. (he has been having those feelings before that but didn’t dare to tell me since he knew I have abandonment issues, that have started to kick in since he expressed some doubts)
Thing is, he's not that good with words. So when he told me he needed his space, that this is just who he is, I kind of flipped and took his words (that were not really well expressed either) wrongly. I read ‘I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship anymore’ (which is somehow what he said according to me, but according to him, he just expressed himself not in a good way and he meant ‘not in a relationship *like this*’).
Our travel itself was wonderful. Not only the destination, but also the dynamics between us. From so many things I can notice that he's a lot what I need. And that I am the same to him. There have not been a lot of people in my life I feel so good around.
I talked to a friend about this, she says all relationships are difficult, and that I just need to give myself some time, to allow myself to see that he's not going to run when some days we don't see each other because he (and I ?) needs space. That we will work things out. I at the other hand feel ‘why is it already so difficult ? Will he run ?’
Thing also is ... .I do need positive words from him, too. After he has told me some disturbing things on tuesday, I feel I have the need to hear that he *doesn't* want to run, that he *does* love me, etc.
I told him this - he thinks he cannot do that. He says he expresses his love for me with touch, actions, etc. I do indeed feel from the way he treats me that he loves me. But I cannot help myself, I also need to hear it. And I also need to say it. I feel like an ice cube If I don't. I told him this a few times, he understands and he says he will do an effort. After our discussion about needing space on tuesday I told him again, and I told him that this is something that is really essential to me. He said again he will try, but he thinks he cannot do it. I do notice that he has been working on it, he does give me little complements now and than, but the ‘I love you’ is difficult.
It’s disturbing for me. It seems slightly autistic…but the very first few weeks, he was actually able to say sweet things to me. So why can’t he now ? He says he knows it’s strange, but he’s not really able to change it.
Is this because of abandonment issues ? (he does have those a bit, although less than me)
I am trying to understand it by thinking ‘how was his childhood, did his parents express love towards him’, etc. I guess I am overanalyzing (again).
Am I expecting too much of him ? Should I just accept what he *does* offer me ? It’s true that, when I am with him, I feel loved and respected. I just need to hear it … and I need to express my love for him, without feeling rejected when he doesn’t reciprocate… Was I too strict to tell him I really want this from him ?
And how on earth do I handle my fears of him running away ? I think for a big part these are my issues. On the other hand, his reality is that he has been alone for the biggest part of his life, and he needs to adjust. I am scared he will run. Plus, I have my needs too ... This week of traveling together has made me realize that being together can be cosy, and that maybe some day I do want to live with someone again – preferable him. (maybe not full time because of my daughter living with me part time). So I told him this, since I do want to know where I stand … he said he cannot guarantee he can do this, but if he gets enough time it should probably be possible.
I know I cannot expect statistical certainty, from anyone. But does his behavior sound healthy ? (ok, mine probably doesn’t :-P)
How on earth do I get a grip on myself ?
Am I putting too much pressure on him and should I be happy with the love that is there, albeit expressed in a way that is not perfect for me ?
At times like this I so much miss my grandparents who passed away. Grandma passed away two years ago, and I feel a bit like back then. I traveled with my boyfriend to the place I was going to travel back then, but I had to cancel because she was dying. I panic because I fear that my new love will leave me - just as she did around the same time of the year two years ago.
