Taking new steps but constantly challenged

[madeline7]

In the past few weeks I have decided to find a new T (appt set for next week), get new reading materials, sign up for a workshop and join a support group. Whew... .it's hard work being the daughter of an uBPDm! The support group was too general and I only went once. The other members (all had young adults with either bi polar or schizo affective in the middle of the 51 50 process) did not understand my issues and 1 even questioned why I was still in a relationship with my Mom. Instead of going into JADE mode,  I sat quietly and when I woke up the next morning I was angry. No one questioned their involvement with their children, why was I put on the spot with my involvement with my Mother. So I found another resource specifically for individuals with family members with BPD. Bingo! So things are looking up right? Then my sister takes a 6 week vacation and my elderly Mom refuses to hire a caregiver saying she can manage just fine. But I have been inundated with her frantic calls on a daily basis to help her. I do work and have a grandchild and a life etc. I am setting better boundaries but she is calling, leaving messages, raging, crying, not answering phone etc. I just want peace. I really don't know what to do. She is literally making me so anxious that I am having somatic issues directly related to stress. I am also feeling resentful that my Mom thinks my schedule should revolve around my sister's schedule. It just never ends and I am worn out

[zachira]

You are setting boundaries with your mother, and feeling overwhelmed right now. Please be patient and kind to yourself, knowing that when we first set boundaries with a person with BPD, that he/she will fight the new boundaries tooth and nail. Also, the change in the relationship can be overwhelming because feelings we have not paid as much attention to, can suddenly be more pronounced.
I too have a mother with BPD. With time, things are better for me though she hasn't changed, and I have suffered a lot of pain and anguish in doing what is right for me, including setting healthier boundaries with my mother.
Do learn everything you can about how to heal from having a mother with BPD. Very few people understand what it is like to have a relative with BPD. You have come to the right place. There are many people on this site who have a mother with BPD, and understand the many challenges and heartbreak of having to deal with a mother with BPD. We are here to listen and support you.

[madeline7]

Thank you Zachira. Your words are helpful, and I do want to clarify that I have been at this for a very long time. I have understood my Mother's issues with BPD for about 30 years, and spent the last 2 -3 years working hard to set those boundaries that we need. I have had a T in the past year and trying a new one. I am exhausted because I know that she will never change, and I have been doing this for what seems like a life time and now that I am in my 60's and a grand mother, I just want some peace for myself. She is so manipulative and toxic, and setting limits with her does not seem to make things better for me. It just enrages her, then she becomes waif like. And going between LC (which means constant contact for her) and NC is also draining. Just feeling like "why me" right now.Heavy sigh... .

[zachira]

I admire your courage in working hard in setting boundaries with your mother for the past 30 years once you understood her issues. There is one piece that I think might help you now, and that is as much as possible not reacting so emotionally to her behaviors, and believe me I know that is not easy, and a big challenge. I have been in therapy for many years, and I have gotten better at not being so upset by my mother's latest terrible behaviors. Most of the time, I am able to move on without having my day ruined, or the quality of my life affected, and there are times where I literally have a melt down over how badly mom is acting and how this continues to affect me. What are you looking for in a therapist and what kind of training would you like her/him to have?
I am glad to help you in any way I can. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and post anytime as having to deal continuously with a BPD mother is just a nightmare any way you put it.

[madeline7]

I do think it is key that I work on reacting differently to the constant upheaval. I am a sensitive person, but put up a strong facade, and my Mom does treat me differently than the others, probably because she knows she can manipulate me. She is very intelligent and high functioning and  I/m sure she knows what she is doing. And after all these years, esp. with My Dad enabling, her irrational behavior has been reinforced. Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I always feel better when I am surrounded by like minded and supportive people.

[Learning2Thrive]

I just want some peace for myself. She is so manipulative and toxic, and setting limits with her does not seem to make things better for me. It just enrages her, then she becomes waif like.

  madeline7

This sounds like an extinction burst whis is a very common reaction for a person with BPD to have when facing boundaries.

Extinction Burst - The term extinction burst describes the phenomena of behavior temporarily getting worse, not better, when the reinforcement stops.

Spontaneous Recovery - Behavior affected by extinction is apt to recur in the future when the trigger is presented again. This is known as spontaneous recovery or the transient increase in behavior. Be aware of this eventuality. It is a part of the extinction process. Don't be discouraged.

Find the full article here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Hang in there, it can get better but it may seem to get worse before it gets better.

Have you read through our boundary setting resources:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

The article on ending conflict might also benefit the current situation:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Please keep us posted if you’re able and you want to. We’re here to support you. 

  L2T