I think I'm finally done

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I feel so isolated and lonely.  My husband of 20 years suffers from BPD and I have finally decided to leave.  For the sake of my sanity and my kids well being.  It is so hard to make this decision, but the relationship is emotionally draining, physically violent and has started to affect my physical well being.

Any advice from anyone who's been in this situation before?  What are the best steps to take?  I really want to make this as easy as possible for my kids and everyone involved. 

Thanks!

[emotionallydone]

I feel so isolated and lonely.  My husband of 20 years suffers from BPD and I have finally decided to leave.  For the sake of my sanity and my kids well being.  It is so hard to make this decision, but the relationship is emotionally draining, physically violent and has started to affect my physical well being.

Any advice from anyone who's been in this situation before?  What are the best steps to take?  I really want to make this as easy as possible for my kids and everyone involved. 

Thanks!

[Skip]

Have you spoken to an attorney?

[Cat Familiar]

I’ve been in your shoes, other than I don’t have kids.

Since you do, you can’t cut him totally out of your life, so take a look at the side bar and please post more about your story.

Definitely speak to an attorney, get your finances in order, figure out what agreements you’d want regarding custody, living arrangements, division of property, etc.

And keep learning more about BPD. Divorce is a difficult endeavor and you’ll want to learn more about how not to trigger him, because going through the process is triggering in itself.

I went through a really contentious divorce, when I was hoping to come to a mediated settlement in the beginning. But... .BPD!

Get your ducks in a row and don’t expect him to cooperate. Find the best divorce attorney you can, based upon recommendations from friends. Talk to more than one, and see which is the best fit for you.

And tell us more about what’s going on in your life.  

[Woodchuck]

I feel so isolated and lonely.  My husband of 20 years suffers from BPD and I have finally decided to leave.  For the sake of my sanity and my kids well being.  It is so hard to make this decision, but the relationship is emotionally draining, physically violent and has started to affect my physical well being.

Any advice from anyone who's been in this situation before?  What are the best steps to take?  I really want to make this as easy as possible for my kids and everyone involved. 

Thanks!

FinallyDone-
I am very sorry to hear what you are going through.  I am going through a very similar situation with my uBPDw.  As Cat said, one of the key points, whether you are leaving or not is to learn how to not trigger your H.  Learning how to validate (different from agreeing with) will at least help you and your well being.  As I have learned to validate more, I have felt more calm and at peace even though it has seemed to significantly increase hostility with my W.  Probably one of the best things that you can do for your kids is to take care of yourself.  If you don't take care of yourself, it will be very difficult to provide the children with the best care/example.  We have two children, S14 and D11.  As I have learned skills here and through other resources, I have been able to pass those on to the children.  I make sure to do it in a positive way and not in a way that is talking bad about their mother.  I want to see them have a great relationship with her, not resent her.  It is all really a balancing 'game'.  If you spend time here reading other's posts and reviewing the tools that are available,  I am sure that you will be able to gain knowledge and skills that will help you as you move forward.
You did mention physical violence.  If you are either experiencing or fear experiencing physical violence against your or your children, it may be best to remove yourself from the situation in a non triggering way.  I am not advocating leaving or staying in the relationship but rather just ensuring that everyone is in a safe environment.  Once physical violence starts, it can escalate very quickly.  You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers!

Woodchuck 

Woodchuck