Mind dump/vent: I'm feeding the conflict, need advice

[MattTV]

Hi all,

I'm feeling rather numb at the moment. Not sure what to do, whether there's hope, or if I can stick this without damage.

Been with my girlfriend for three and a bit years now, and we've been living together for the last two. There's been some major stresses in her life to do with work, which I put a lot of her behaviour down to and didn't enforce boundaries around. Her work situation changed at the start of the year, but things have got worse if anything. I've got depression anyway, and the way we're interacting isn't helping either of us at all. I am in no way perfect or blameless in this, there's stuff I've done in the blow ups which I hate myself for too.

It's the aggression, criticism and lack of responsibility which are really affecting me. Something will annoy her, and the switch will flip to massive anger immediately. We had a takeway last night while watching TV, the boxes were on the floor by the sofa when we finished, she stood up, spotted them, and then it's straight to shouting about why I've left them there, how lazy I am, how I don't tidy up, how all my crap is on the table, and how much she hates me. If I say it's not just my responsibility to clean it up, or that the stuff on the table isn't just mine, that's pushing her buttons and justifies her shouting. It's tit for tat arguing, rather than pointing out something isn't just me. It's like this so much of the time - she flips and goes for me, I get overly defensive and withdraw to start with, she keeps going for me, and then a lot of the time I'll blow up as well and we end up in a circular shouting match.

Sometimes it's the lower key parts of the arguments that are worse for me. I'm honestly trying to take accountability for myself, I talk about what I need to do, and what I think we need to do. That's not allowed though, I'm not allowed to talk about what we need to try to do (less screaming, more talking, more "I" statements than "You" statements), but at the same time I'm being told everything that I have to do. Literally telling me what I have to do, and at the same time that I can't talk about "We", because that's telling her what to do. I try so hard to not say that she needs to change something, I try to couch it in things which we both need to do, but it's so often that I don't get anything back, or any kind of acknowledgement that she's involved. I'm the one having circular arguments, rather than we're having circular arguments. I need to stop fighting back and defending myself, rather than we need to stop getting into fights. I get screamed in my face about the way I say "yep" sounding condescending to her.

I've internalised way too much of this, and normalised it for myself. I'm responding to her with the same bad behaviour, and it's not okay for me to do it either. I don't want to be the person screaming back at her. I feel so damn ashamed of myself. I want us to get out of this death spiral, but I just don't think I can do it on my own. My personal take is that every problem is a relationship is shared by both people, and that what you do feeds into the other person, good and bad. Problem I've got is that her problems (anger/abandonment) are fuelled by mine, but mine (withdrawing/flatness) aren't allowed to be fuelled by hers. It wouldn't be a problem if she thought that neither were allowed to be linked to the other, but it's the one way traffic. I just want us to help each other to get to a positive spiral. There's problems that come out of the lack of proper independent boundaries too - I know I'm a pressure cooker when it comes to anger, I know I need to get space when I'm getting too wound up, but I've ended up putting that aside because she keeps telling me that it's pushing her buttons if I tell her I need some time in argument. It feels to her like I'm just giving up on solving the problem. So I know that it's incredibly unhealthy for me to stick around in that situation, I know I should walk away to get the space, and I've ended up not trusting myself on it, because I've been told I'm wrong so often. I feel so damn rudderless, and when I try to put boundaries in place (taking 15 minutes out if name calling starts), it just gets worse (following me screaming and shouting, not giving me the space).

If she's angry, it's my fault for making her angry or not trying to calm her down. If we don't talk about what she wants to talk about, it's my fault for not asking her, rather than her not talking about it. If she's tired, it's my fault for not making her go to bed earlier. If we're late to the station for her train, it's my fault for not hassling her out of the house, rather than her not getting up on time. There's just this total blame of everything onto me. I'm to blame for my behaviour and hers, and I'm having trouble getting that routed out of my head.

The thing that's really pushing me on it recently is having had a couple of her friends over. There's been joking comments about things she's said to me being harsh, or that she's lucky that I'll do things for her, or just telling her she's wrong when she's complaining about the way I do things/the things I like. It kind of opened my eyes that I'm not this terrible person who's the root of all the problems, and not everything I do is wrong (yes, I know this is really daft when I re-read it). I'm trying to keep that front and centre in my head.

I'm just so badly at my wit's end and spinning my wheels at the moment. I'm overanalyzing everything I think of doing, as it's always going to be wrong, and I'm in this horrendous inertia. This is getting way too rambling now. I'd appreciate anything from people - input, suggestions, questions, ideas, whatever. Like I said, the problems aren't just coming from her, my depression and the way I deal with conflict is feeding into it too.

[Cat Familiar]

   Welcome MattTV,

You've assumed that much of your girlfriend's behavior was attributable to work stress, but now you're re-thinking that assumption. You take responsibility for your part in the disagreements and would like for things to improve.

What troubles you is how quickly she rushes to anger and blame over insignificant things and how she refuses to acknowledge responsibility for her part. You've been trying to soften your language so that you can work things out in a collaborative manner, but she regards it as an attack nevertheless and relentlessly goes after you.

Is this about right?

So far, asking for a time out has not been productive; it fuels her abandonment feelings. She sees pretty much everything as your fault and until recently, you've been internalizing that blame. It helped when you heard that her friends weren't buying her concept of you.

It's no wonder you feel depressed. Anyone in your situation would likely feel the same, or worse. Please check out the info on the side bar here and read more on this site. There is a wealth of material here and so many of us have been in your situation. Keep posting more about your story and read others' stories here. You'll be amazed by the similarities.

Cat

[MattTV]

Is this about right?

Hi Cat, that's about right. The main thing that has been getting me down is the blaming combined with the lack of responsibility. I've got extremely sensitive to it, and it's a struggle to not leap to defending myself even when it is something I've flat out been daft about.

We had a really bad blow up a couple of nights ago, but I'm feeling a bit hopeful. In the aftermath she's actually talking to me about things being her fault as well (maybe even too far in taking it all on), and she's looking at Anger Management courses.

I'm going to have a look through the sidebar links, hopefully get some ideas about how I can respond better when she's raging.

[WonderingGirl]

Hi Matt,

I'm sorry to hear that you feel depressed. I know that's not any fun. I am sorry that you are taking the blame on everything. Some things you simply can not do for other people. I myself, have a problem understanding this sometimes. I find it best to tell myself that I can not know if they will be tired if they do not go to bed at X time. That's a personal responsibility. They know what time I'm leaving, I can remind them but I can not make them get up. I think it helps to look at every situation, and say is this my personal responsibility or theirs. If its their body, how can it be our responsibility to do something for them. I hope that helps your piece of mind a little.

I have just really started learning about BPD coping myself, so I can not give advice on that, but it seems there is many people here who know the tools to help us  

[Cat Familiar]

The main thing that has been getting me down is the blaming combined with the lack of responsibility. I've got extremely sensitive to it, and it's a struggle to not leap to defending myself even when it is something I've flat out been daft about.

I know how hard it is not to try and defend nor explain when falsely accused. And the lack of responsibility at times drives me batty. But there's power to be found in ignoring these types of comments and when they are no longer triggering us (and working the way they used to), eventually our pwBPD realizes that this strategy no longer is effective, and tries something else... .   It can be done, it just takes a bit, well a lot, of practice.

Good that she's taken some responsibility for things. Don't get your hopes up. She might "forget" about this realization soon. Very good that she is contemplating taking AM courses. 

When she's raging, your best bet is to leave. Tell her you'll be back in 20 minutes, an hour, two hours, whatever suits you. It takes the body at least 20 minutes to recover from all the overstimulation a rage event creates. During the rage, it's useless to try and talk, negotiate, sympathize, soothe, etc. Let her have her rage alone, then return when she's calmed down.