Please don’t touch me

[Depression = 72% of members]

A few years ago while in Therapy, I told my T that I was having a lot of trouble with physical touch, especially hugging. It was particularly stressful because I could not stand to be hugged by anyone,including my sons. But I also knew I couldn’t tell them not to hug me. I felt like part of me was dying with every hug with my own sweet sons and felt like I was losing my mind.

My T and I discussed my childhood and the possibility of incest/sexual abuse but I could not recall anything—other than my mother requiring me or one of my sisters to sleep with her in her bed through high school. Yet, I couldn’t 100% rule it out either because there is a rumored and documented history on both sides of my parents’ families.

A few weeks ago I finally realized why. My mother would create these huge, dramatic, stressful situations, then claim she was the victim, then make the real victim comfort (hug) her.    SICK AND TWISTED.

I have been working on strategies to work through this. It’s hard work and the anger is bubbling up.

Has anyone else felt this when an INNOCENT person you love very much hugs you?

Thanks for any thoughts you might share.

  L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

A few years ago while in Therapy, I told my T that I was having a lot of trouble with physical touch, especially hugging. It was particularly stressful because I could not stand to be hugged by anyone,including my sons. But I also knew I couldn’t tell them not to hug me. I felt like part of me was dying with every hug with my own sweet sons and felt like I was losing my mind.

My T and I discussed my childhood and the possibility of incest/sexual abuse but I could not recall anything—other than my mother requiring me or one of my sisters to sleep with her in her bed through high school. Yet, I couldn’t 100% rule it out either because there is a rumored and documented history on both sides of my parents’ families.

A few weeks ago I finally realized why. My mother would create these huge, dramatic, stressful situations, then claim she was the victim, then make the real victim comfort (hug) her.    SICK AND TWISTED.

I have been working on strategies to work through this. It’s hard work and the anger is bubbling up.

Has anyone else felt this when an INNOCENT person you love very much hugs you?

Thanks for any thoughts you might share.

  L2T

[Turkish]

So your mother would initiate drama, maybe abuse, and then demand that you comfort her physically (major invalidation when you likely wanted to flee to be safe)... .and I'd guess that she likely never gave you a sincere hug that wasn't about her,  yes?

[Learning2Thrive]

So your mother would initiate drama, maybe abuse, and then demand that you comfort her physically (major invalidation when you likely wanted to flee to be safe)... .and I'd guess that she likely never gave you a sincere hug that wasn't about her,  yes?

Yes, Turkish. It, as you imply, was more than simple invalidation. It was an absolute violation—like being mentally raped while being forced to physically comfort and console her. Even as a kid I knew it was wrong for her to do that, but for survival I not only had to endure it, I had to reinforce that it was okay.

It’s not happening very often anymore, but I really want to get to the bottom of it. Because as an adult, the disturbing part for me is that my kids hugging me triggered this flashback. My sons were and are completely genuine, but my physical body response felt that same crushing violation. Which all of that just spiraling in my head made me feel so broken and full of shame.

A similar thing happens anytime there is conflict (simple disagreement even) and the other person wants to hug after the conflict has been resolved (especially when the resolution is due to me giving up more than I want or assuming more responsibility than is actually mine).

The other thing I notice is that I am WAY more susceptible to being triggered in this way when I am exhausted and have not been practicing good self care for extended periods of time.

     
Ok, just writing that out shows me something huge.

Big themes here: Self Care, Conflict Resolution, BOUNDARIES.

I think I have something to chew on for a while, but I still welcome thoughts, sharing, etc.

To be clear, I can genuinely emoji hug without issue.  

  L2T

[Notwendy]

I have been in yoga classes where the teacher comes by to make an adjustment to someone's posture. It took me a while to get used to her doing that with me. A yoga class is a safe space and the teacher is professional so there isn't any reason to be uncomfortable with that but I felt myself getting my guard up when she did.  I  suspect it brings back some unpleasant connection to my BPD mother. I have no idea if my mother actually cuddled or hugged me as a child and I have no memories of that, but I don't think she emotionally was a safe person for me as a child. BPD mother is not affectionate with me.

[Harri]

A few weeks ago I finally realized why. My mother would create these huge, dramatic, stressful situations, then claim she was the victim, then make the real victim comfort (hug) her.

Sick and twisted is right.  Forcing you to hug and comfort her ... .did you feel resentment?  I think I would.  Yet another expectation placed on you by the adult who should have been meeting your needs. 

I hope you are able to let the anger bubble up.  Anger is an appropriate and heathy response.  While it must be upsetting to have this affect you, especially when it comes to hugging your own kids, I am happy you were able to figure this out.

It’s not happening very often anymore, but I really want to get to the bottom of it. Because as an adult, the disturbing part for me is that my kids hugging me triggered this flashback. My sons were and are completely genuine, but my physical body response felt that same crushing violation. Which all of that just spiraling in my head made me feel so broken and full of shame.

  I think you have gotten to the bottom of it L2T.  Maybe there is nothing more to find, just accept that you have an issue here where your physical body is acting in an seemingly automatic way to a long ago stimulus that has nothing at all to do with the present and certainly not your sons.  Period.  Maybe thank yourself for allowing this to happen so you can see what you have to work on.  Be thankful that you can see what happened so you can work on some long held (appropriate) hurt and get in touch with your anger.

Self care sometimes means accepting stuff that does not feel good.

   

[Learning2Thrive]

Sick and twisted is right.  Forcing you to hug and comfort her ... .did you feel resentment?  I think I would.  Yet another expectation placed on you by the adult who should have been meeting your needs. 

I don’t know if I felt resentment then. There was so much drama and DV going on between my parents and them towards us kids, I was constantly in survival mode. I can tell you that I have a lot of difficulty crying and always have. Of my emotions, anger is the one I can access to protect myself and others.

I hope you are able to let the anger bubble up.  Anger is an appropriate and heathy response.  While it must be upsetting to have this affect you, especially when it comes to hugging your own kids, I am happy you were able to figure this out.

I am beginning to let it come up, but slowly and carefully.

Honestly, I have been fearful of not being able to remain in control or that I would become like them. I have found meditation and yoga helpful. And intense physical training. I am thankful that I am alive and that she is thousands of miles away from me. My father died a few years ago. I had not seen him since I was 19. I can’t say I felt much when I received the news.

  I think you have gotten to the bottom of it L2T.  Maybe there is nothing more to find, just accept that you have an issue here where your physical body is acting in an seemingly automatic way to a long ago stimulus that has nothing at all to do with the present and certainly not your sons.  Period.  Maybe thank yourself for allowing this to happen so you can see what you have to work on.  Be thankful that you can see what happened so you can work on some long held (appropriate) hurt and get in touch with your anger.

Yes, I think you are right. I am definitely thankful, though I much prefer seeking joy.  It feels like so much of mylife has been hijacked by crazy people. Receiving validation that anger is appropriate means a lot.

Self care sometimes means accepting stuff that does not feel good.

Yes, I think that is why I have dipped my toes in the water and started talking more openly about it here. It’s safe to talk about the insane behaviors here and I feel supported. Normal people don’t understand what it’s like growing up in that kind of environment.

Thanks for being so kind, Harri.

  L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi L2T,

Yes, I understand. Sighs. Here's my story which I don't know if I shared it before or not.

A number of months ago DH wanted to give me a hug. We were in the kitchen (in retrospect this was trigger #1 because much of my abuse while a child took place in the kitchen). He wrapped his arms around me tight, pushed me up against the counter, and he held on for a much longer than normal hug. I was okay for a few seconds... .at least I thought so. Then I began having trouble breathing, and I was fighting the feelings coursing through me saying, "Trapped!" but finally I said I had to move and get away. He didn't understand, and I began moving against the heavy weight of him against me and was beginning to panic. He said, "You can't handle intimacy." I moved to the other room and weakly sat down as I tried to regain a sense of being able to breathe again. I could only tell him that he didn't understand. It had to do with that sense of being trapped, and I know I felt trapped so often as a child although as far as I know there was no sexual abuse. My uBPDm would chase me down to get to me and punish (hit) me. She would hold me so I couldn't get away. Too many memories this incident brought up.

It was hard after that to even allow my son to hug me, and it had nothing to do with him. In speaking with my T, he encouraged me to define what I could do. When DH asked about hugs after that because he said he was afraid to hug me, I said he could give me a short hug with no trapping me in the kitchen or pushing me up against anything or trapping me in the corner. I was honest with my son and told him that it had nothing to do with him at all but that I needed to keep the huge short. It has helped, but I struggle with them too. Unfortunately so many of us had unhealthy impressions about physical touch, and it is no surprise that we are suddenly becoming aware of it and having another thing to work through. Stinks though, doesn't it?

 
Wools

[Learning2Thrive]

Oh, Wools, I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this too.   virtual hugs are so much easier and less confining.

Unfortunately so many of us had unhealthy impressions about physical touch, and it is no surprise that we are suddenly becoming aware of it and having another thing to work through. Stinks though, doesn't it?

Yes, it does stink. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I’m truly sorry for what you went through back then... .and then again now having to relive those feelings and work through it. I understand how painful and shocking it is.

We will heal from this too. Thank you for helping me.

  L2T

[Harri]

Being trapped is a big issue for me too.  Don't corner me, give me a hug from behind or a bear hug I can't easily break.  The heat, the warmth of a person breath on my face... .just thinking about it sets my heart to racing.  Part of it is the sexual abuse but most of it is a loss of power.  Power to leave, fear that someone will not hear or heed my 'no', not being able to breathe.  With hugs, I am okay if I initiate it or with the easy social greeting type of hug.  My Brother and my SIL give great hugs... .I've been known to say 'don't stop yet'. 

L2T, I wonder if, like Wools, you told your sons just enough (whatever that is... .we can figure it out).  Are you okay with being hugged if you can see it coming?  Just trying to see if there is a way to make it work for you and for your sons. 

Stuff from the past just spills over sometimes.  I get so annoyed with myself, but it just is. 

Wools, your husband saying you have intimacy issues is just wrong.  Even if it is true, what is the point of saying it?  It's like saying water is wet.  Yep.

[zachira]

For years I was so uncomfortable with touch and I did not know why. I now know that trauma is stored in the body, and getting comfortable in our own bodies for those who suffered trauma involves feeling our bodies and the uncomfortable feelings that are stored in the body. You are asking the right question in wondering why you feel uncomfortable being hugged by a safe person, and recognize this comes from how your mother's hugs made you feel. You might want to read: "The Body Keep the Score" which discusses how trauma affects the body and different ways to heal the trauma stored in our bodies. Keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here to listen and support you.

[Fie]

Hello Learning2Thrive,

I also have problems with touch. Or should I say had problems with that, because lately it has gotten so much better.
I used to hate it when people hugged me. At the very best I just waited for the hug to be over. Now I feel I can sometimes really enjoy a hug.
I used to avoid touching people I didn’t know. Now I sometimes notice myself slightly touching somebody’s arm or so while talking.
Do you think it might help you to, instead of ‘undergoing’ a hug, initiate the hug yourself, and make it a really short one ? Or one where the hug resembles more like a back rub from you to the other person ? (of course maybe you feel like you are ok like this without hugging !)
It is very much ok to be angry for the way your mum treated you. I know I would be.

Fie

[Learning2Thrive]

L2T, I wonder if, like Wools, you told your sons just enough (whatever that is... .we can figure it out).  Are you okay with being hugged if you can see it coming?  Just trying to see if there is a way to make it work for you and for your sons. 

I needed to take a little break from this thread, but I am back now.

No, my T at the time told me I should not say anything to them. And my husband told me adamantly that I should not say anything to them.

This flashback flare was happening intensely about 5 years ago after I moved back into my home after having lived in my own apartment (same town) for a year. (That’s a whole other story for another time). Anyway, my sons were about 12 and 14 then and after all the mistakes I had already made, I was swimming in guilt and shame and just couldn’t put that on them.

I do think that essentially being told by my Therapist and my husband that I needed to swallow it definitely made it worse for me for a time. But now I’m glad I didn’t say anything. At their young age, it would have been too much. They needed to just be kids.

These days, I’m doing much better with it but I need to be mindful of my anxiety level (how much I am giving up of myself to provide) and it does help if I am the one who initiates the hug.

L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

For years I was so uncomfortable with touch and I did not know why. I now know that trauma is stored in the body, and getting comfortable in our own bodies for those who suffered trauma involves feeling our bodies and the uncomfortable feelings that are stored in the body. You are asking the right question in wondering why you feel uncomfortable being hugged by a safe person, and recognize this comes from how your mother's hugs made you feel. You might want to read: "The Body Keep the Score" which discusses how trauma affects the body and different ways to heal the trauma stored in our bodies. Keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here to listen and support you.

zachira, thank you for the validation and book recommendation. I have added it to my ever growing list. 

L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

Fie, thank you for your kindness, validation and understanding. I’m sorry you experienced things that made you sensitive to physical touch, but happy to hear you are doing much better now.

Yes, it definitely helps if I am the one who initiates the hug. Variations of hug ... .like side hugs help too. The biggest thing is making sure I am not overworked or over tired when I am in a situation where my sons will want a hug.

Thanks again.

L2T

[Harri]

Ack!  I did not realize they are still so young!  Smart not to have said anything then and even now though I can see how difficult it must have been to keep it contained.  

Taking a break from a thread is good self-care!