How do you know if there is a possibility of a future?

[BreatheFirst]

My  partner and I have been separated for nearly 3 months.  He left.  He has not made any motions to get back together apart from asking to move back into our house for "financial reaosns".  But I am wondering if there is a future for us.  We have 2 daughters and there are some parts to him I really love.

I am thinking about approaching him about it and not sure how to go about it.  I don't quite know why I even want to... .I certainly don't want the types of emotional abuse and behavours he was doing but I do want our family unit back and I would like to try and make things work and have a happy life with him. I don't know if its possible given who he is and even if he wants to.

Where do I start?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Woodchuck]

My  partner and I have been separated for nearly 3 months.  He left.  He has not made any motions to get back together apart from asking to move back into our house for "financial reaosns".  But I am wondering if there is a future for us.  We have 2 daughters and there are some parts to him I really love.

I am thinking about approaching him about it and not sure how to go about it.  I don't quite know why I even want to... .I certainly don't want the types of emotional abuse and behavours he was doing but I do want our family unit back and I would like to try and make things work and have a happy life with him. I don't know if its possible given who he is and even if he wants to.

Where do I start?

BreatheFirst-
Good evening!  I feel your struggle.  It is very real.  My W and I have been 'separated' for a little over a month now.  Our separation is a little different though as I am living in the basement and she is living in the main part of the house.  We also have two children and determining what the best coarse of action is with children involved is extremely difficult to say the least.  I don't have any real answers for you but I would encourage you to stay connected here as there is great support and the members help you stay grounded when you feel like you are going 'crazy'.  I hope that you will be able to determine what the best way forward is for you and the children as well as your partner and hope you will find a true peace about the road you choose.  

Woodchuck

[pearlsw]

Hi BreatheFirst, (And Woodchuck too! What a nice reply you've offered here!)

Woodchuck is right, we're here to support. Our situations can be very confusing and it's hard to reconcile how someone who is sometimes so good with us can also bring so much pain into our lives.

BreatheFirst, Since he is not living in the home would where would you meet to have these conversations? Or would it be over the phone? What would you want to say and ask of him?

What was his reason for leaving when he left? Has that issue been resolved or ever talked about?

What so you think it would it take for it to not be like before?

wishing you both peace, pearl.

[BreatheFirst]

Thank you Woodchuck for your support and kind words.  We are both in the very new stages of separation. It must be hard living in the same house. And you share the challenges if how to move forward.
I am lucky I guess in that my partner has moved out of the house. It makes it less awkward and calmer.

[Woodchuck]

Thank you Woodchuck for your support and kind words.  We are both in the very new stages of separation. It must be hard living in the same house. And you share the challenges if how to move forward.
I am lucky I guess in that my partner has moved out of the house. It makes it less awkward and calmer.

Breathefirst-
It is difficult to be living in the same house, especially after being together for over 18 years.  I intended to start the separation process last year and wrote her a letter stating what my intentions were.  About two months in, I decided that the struggle to live separate in the same house was not worth it and decided it was better to just live as amicably as possible.  Things have not gone well over the last few months and we are back in separation mode.  I believe it would be easier in many ways if we did not live together but at the same time, I am not sure which would be healthier for the children.  Rereading your post, I would personally not make a decision based on finances unless absolutely unavoidable.  That is just me though.  For me, I would rather live with just enough to get by and have a sense of peace etc than live 'comfortably' but in constant turmoil.  All those factors are different for each person and each relationship.  I am sure as you continue to seek answers that you will find a peace about the best way ahead.

Woodchuck

[BreatheFirst]

Pearlsw I thought I might try and chat with him when I dropped the girls off to see him or maybe call him after they had gone to bed one night. I am not sure what I would say but I want to somehow ask if this is it for him, no going back?... .I don't want it to come across as begging. I wouod like to have an adult conversation about our future. Now that he has had this space, does this change anything for us?... .and what is he looking for/wanting in his life?


When he left he said it was because I called him abusive. He also claimed we were incompatible and both stubborn and that nothing was changing. The issues we have had been talked about somewhat but never really resolved.

I think it would take a lot of therapy and compromise to make it work and not be like  before. He would have to change the way he treats me.

[pearlsw]

I think it would take a lot of therapy and compromise to make it work and not be like  before. He would have to change the way he treats me.

Hi BreatheFirst,

Sorry you are going through this tough decision making phase.

Would you be up for the therapy if he was too?

I know it's tough. My SO is wanting to "do all he can to save things" therapy included, but I think he is not in a good enough state to handle this and I am no longer sure I want to put myself through any of this.

Do you feel an urge to "beg" him to return?

take care, pearl.

[Woodchuck]

Pearlsw I thought I might try and chat with him when I dropped the girls off to see him or maybe call him after they had gone to bed one night. I am not sure what I would say but I want to somehow ask if this is it for him, no going back?... .I don't want it to come across as begging. I wouod like to have an adult conversation about our future. Now that he has had this space, does this change anything for us?... .and what is he looking for/wanting in his life?


When he left he said it was because I called him abusive. He also claimed we were incompatible and both stubborn and that nothing was changing. The issues we have had been talked about somewhat but never really resolved.

I think it would take a lot of therapy and compromise to make it work and not be like  before. He would have to change the way he treats me.

BreatheFirst-
Based on my experience, I would avoid begging at all costs.  I believe that my W actually feeds off of this.  It is difficult to refrain from begging as I really want a healthy relationship.  I have found though that if I just go about living my life, she will eventually approach me.  If I approach her and try to talk, I get either the silent treatment or something similar to what you said you get, being blamed for being abusive, selfish, irresponsible, toxic and the list goes on and on.  In reality, I believe a lot of the accusations she makes are really just her projecting.
As far as therapy goes, I really hope that if you do go that route that it will benefit you.  Unfortunately that has not been the case in my relationship and we have tried counselors and therapists of all kinds from pastors and church counselors to marriage counselors and family psychiatrists. We have also attended marriage workshops and weekend seminars.  Nothing has had a last effect.  I don't share this to discourage you.  Every relationship/person is different and responds differently to things.  My W is of the opinion that everything is my fault and I am the only one that needs to change in order for things to work.  It is my view that both parties need to be open to looking at themselves and adjusting/changing/working on themselves if they truly want things to work.  We have talked about our issues with so many different counselors/therapists that I am at the point where I don't want to go simply because I am tired of going through our entire history all over again.  I want to move forward, not sit in the same place and focus on the past.  It is just not healthy.  I am in the same boat as you where I believe that in order for things to work, she is going to have to change the way she treats me.  I also recognize that she needs to be able to see and own this and work on changing herself.  I cannot do anything to change her.  I truly hope that you are able to find a way to make things work and find happiness.  Hang in there!

Woodchuck

[BreatheFirst]

Hi Pearlsw

I would be happy to do more therapy but I very much dou t he would. We saw a MC for 10 months but SO called it off because he said things weren't changing. I think he meant I wasn't changing.

And yes sometimes i feel like I wa t to beg him to come back. I'm not sure whats driving that.

[BreatheFirst]

Thanks Woodchuck, your post was amazing and sounded a lot like my situation. And for me to beg, I think my SO would feed off it too. Plus I would feel a loss of dignity.

I get the projection too coupled with a healthy dose of blaming me for everything just as you described. We have done counselling to to no avail. So  now I'm left wondering why bother, he's not going to work on changing. I agree with all that you said, it needs the other person to work on themselves too. No luvk from my end as he us still not tslking to me. Hoe are things in your illusion

[pearlsw]

So  now I'm left wondering why bother, he's not going to work on changing. I agree with all that you said, it needs the other person to work on themselves too. No luvk from my end as he us still not tslking to me. Hoe are things in your illusion

Hi BreatheFirst,

I think, and I know it sounds odd, but one person working on themselves and altering their communication can make a difference - regardless of whether the other person is working on themselves or not. I think we BPD issues we almost have to expect our partner isn't going to be actively doing a lot of the work, but you can still kick things in a better direction if you are willing to make major changes to yourself.

All of our situations are different. Some have higher functioning partners, and BPD exists on a spectrum, some partners have awareness, others don't, there are a lot of variables that go into determining "success", but taking the time to study and make a huge shift by using the tools regularly could yield some positive results, or at least not make things worse.

Are you dealing with silent treatment right now? Have you seen this information about it to help understand it better and try a new approach if you'd like? Behaviors: Silent Treatment

warmly, pearl.

[BreatheFirst]

Hi Woochuck. I was typing my reply very late last night... .sorry I was not as articulate in my reply as yours. Your situation sounds very similar in terms of what you described about the counselling issues. I also just noticed my last line... .I meant to type "situation" but not sure if it was my tiredness or autocorrect that put in "illusion". Strangely though, it does kind of fit... .we've all been living in an illudion.

Take care x

[BreatheFirst]

Hi Pearlsw

As he has moved out communication is pretty much non existent, mainly via email. So I'm not sure what I can change or do. He is not making any moves to reconcile either.

I don't know what to try?

[Woodchuck]

Hi Woochuck. I was typing my reply very late last night... .sorry I was not as articulate in my reply as yours. Your situation sounds very similar in terms of what you described about the counselling issues. I also just noticed my last line... .I meant to type "situation" but not sure if it was my tiredness or autocorrect that put in "illusion". Strangely though, it does kind of fit... .we've all been living in an illudion.

Take care x

BreatheFirst-
Good evening.  I hope all is well and that you have been able to get some good rest.  I think that the idea that you point out about losing dignity is very accurate.  I had not looked at it that way before but thinking about it, I do feel a loss of dignity after 'begging'. 
I think pearl has a good point about making a difference when we work on ourselves.  As I have focused more and more on working on myself, I believe I have slowly become more emotionally healthy and that is a good change.  So, even if the work we put in does not have a positive effect on our relationships, there is still a positive effect on ourselves.  It is very difficult though to stay focused on continuing to work on ourselves though when there is a deep desire and maybe even expectation for the relationship to get better.  For me personally, as I have continued to work on myself, my relationship has gotten worse and worse.  I think it is because my W feels desperate because she is having a harder time triggering me and therefore feels a loss of control.  Control is a huge thing for her.  She mocks me for how my communication has changed, telling me that it is pointless to say the things that my therapist 'tells me to say'.  The fact is, my therapist doesn't tell me anything specific to say but encourages me to self reflect and attempt to validate etc, much like the members here.  In the end, when we work on ourselves, we make ourselves better and that is always a good thing.
My situation has devolved into my W telling me that she wants a divorce but is willing to live separately in the same house until our children graduate high school.  That is seven years from now.  According to her, this will allow us to 'coparent' but she will not outline what that means to her.  Her proposal/demand/conditions is that I will continue to be responsible for all the bills even though she is working 25-30 hours a week and making decent money.  This proposal is completely insane in my opinion.  I am not sure how things will progress moving forward.
Your typo, as you pointed is quite accurate.  I/we have been living an illusion in many ways.  Has anything progressed with your situation/illusion?

Woodchuck

[BreatheFirst]

Hi Woodchuck, i did get a good sleep in

[Woodchuck]

Hi Woodchuck, i did get a good sleep in

Good morning BreatheFirst!  It is great to hear thatyou got some good rest!  I hope you have a great day!

WC

[BreatheFirst]

Hi Woodchuck, i did get a good sleep in

[BreatheFirst]

Hi Woodchuck, i did get a good sleep in

[BreatheFirst]

Hi Woodchuck, for some reason my reply is not working. Hope it works this time... .My heart goes out to you as I can imagine the feeling. My partner had broken things off a few times and  still been living  in the house (separate rooms). It is both awful and awkward. This time has been easier  because he has moved out. I think doing that for 7 years in the same house would be very difficult. Please think carefully about your wellbeing mentally and also how the kids will fare. All my support sources have said its better for us to remain split and then the kids have one stable and consistent home with me.

I am trying to focus more on myself and the kids and things I need to work on and not think about him or channel as much energy into him.

I think you've observed a really key point. As we get better/heal... .they get worse. The last few months i was reading up on PDs and abuse, even reading the books in front of him. I was opening my eyes to stuff snd I think he was realising the game was up.

Your W's proposal seems very unfair. She benefits totally but not you.  Expenses would be better split according to income ratio but then you have to look at so much in terms of finances, equity, etc. It might be worth getting some legal advice if you decide to stay.

No progress at my end but I have some emails to send in the next day or so to him and to his lawyers. Its been nice to have a quiet weekend free of drama for a change and not hsving to respond/act.  Hope you are doing ok ☺

[pearlsw]

Hi BreatheFirst,

Hope you are well! Do I understand correctly that you are heading closer to a divorce? (You mention lawyers)

Is the best way we can help you to be talking about improving communication because you will be co-parenting with him?

take care, pearl.

[Woodchuck]

Hi Woodchuck, for some reason my reply is not working. Hope it works this time... .My heart goes out to you as I can imagine the feeling. My partner had broken things off a few times and  still been living  in the house (separate rooms). It is both awful and awkward. This time has been easier  because he has moved out. I think doing that for 7 years in the same house would be very difficult. Please think carefully about your wellbeing mentally and also how the kids will fare. All my support sources have said its better for us to remain split and then the kids have one stable and consistent home with me.

BreathFirst-
It looks like your reply worked.   What really makes it awkward is having children involved.  They need to see a good example of a healthy relationship and seeing their parents living together but apart has got to be heart wrenching for them and is most definitely what I want them to see as an example of what a relationship should be.  If the children were not part of the picture, it would still be difficult, but I imagine it would be a bit easier to live separate lives.  This scenario is kind of like conjoined twins trying to live separately.  I am trying to be mindful of my wellbeing and interacting on here really helps with that.  I also try to talk to the kids and demonstrate what I believe is best.  They are both frustrated with their mom and I don't want to encourage resentment or try to make them turn from her and to me.  It is all very complicated as I am sure you are well aware of.  My end goal is to do whatever is best for the children.

I am trying to focus more on myself and the kids and things I need to work on and not think about him or channel as much energy into him.

This is a very good method of taking care of yourself.  Keep it up!

I think you've observed a really key point. As we get better/heal... .they get worse. The last few months i was reading up on PDs and abuse, even reading the books in front of him. I was opening my eyes to stuff snd I think he was realising the game was up.

I have not had the 'courage' to read anything in front of my W.  She did mention that she wanted to go talk to my T about her concerns about me having a PD.  When I asked her about going a few days ago, she said she had no interest in going.  I do think that things would be very bad if she discovered this website and saw all of my posts.

Your W's proposal seems very unfair. She benefits totally but not you.  Expenses would be better split according to income ratio but then you have to look at so much in terms of finances, equity, etc. It might be worth getting some legal advice if you decide to stay.

I was blown away by her proposal.  I don't understand why she thinks that I would even entertain that.  I do have plans to talk to an attorney again.  I need to find out what can be done for mental health evaluations during a divorce.  As I told her yesterday, as far as I know, I am the only one seeking help to better myself and talking to a T.  She had no response for that.

No progress at my end but I have some emails to send in the next day or so to him and to his lawyers. Its been nice to have a quiet weekend free of drama for a change and not hsving to respond/act.  Hope you are doing ok ☺

It is good to hear that you had a drama free weekend.  Unfortunately mine was full of drama.  I think it all has to do with her feeling like she is losing control. 
Here is to having an amazing week ahead!   I did hear something to day about focusing on what is positive.  I have heard it plenty of times but it was a good reminder.  Under the circumstances, it can be quite difficult to focus on the positive, when the negative is constantly being thrown at you.  I sat the kids down and told them that we need to work on reminding each other to focus on the positive if we see each other being negative.  Hopefully that will be successful.

WC

[BreatheFirst]

Hi Pearlsw

I am still sitting on the fence between reconciling or formally spearating for good.  We are not married but have children and a house together.  So we would need to sort custody arrangements plus finances.

He has brought in a lawyer who has sent me letters trying to sort the finances stuff.

I do need help on the co-parenting side as well.  Even though I am not sure I want out, he is not showing any signs of reconciling, and we still need to parent in the meantime.

thanks so much
BreatheFirst

[BreatheFirst]

Hi Woodchuck

Its all so difficult isn't it.  And so hard with children involved.  My partner did ask to move back in and I thought about it for the children but he said he was only moving back for financial reasons. I decided that for my mental health and for legal reasons it was better not to.  I also thought that it would confuse the kids too if Daddy came back for a little while then left again.  I was fearful this would re-traumatise them too.  I'm still unsure what's best but I do worry about whehter its worse for them to see the conflict between mum and dad if we were still iving together.  I am less stressed with him gone.  He probably (I hope) is functioning better too without me since I seem to be the cause of so much of his resentment/anger/blame,etc.

I think I started to read the books in front of him as some sort of challenge in a way.  Maybe a part of me wanted out, but moreover I wanted him to stop being like he was.  I realise that he probably can't.  That's hard to accept.

I hope you can find a way forward with your W... .  What do you want though? What do you need for you to have a good life?... .these are quesitons this group has made me start to think about.  Unfortunately what I want I probably can't get from my partner and I have to wonder if its better on my own anyway even if I don't find another person to share my life with.  These are all such hard things we face.

It sounds like your weekend was not very good. Its great tha tyou were able to talk to the kids though and help them through all of this.  I hope you have a great week and keep lookig for the positives.

BreatheFirst 

[Woodchuck]

Hi Woodchuck

Its all so difficult isn't it.  And so hard with children involved.  My partner did ask to move back in and I thought about it for the children but he said he was only moving back for financial reasons. I decided that for my mental health and for legal reasons it was better not to.  I also thought that it would confuse the kids too if Daddy came back for a little while then left again.  I was fearful this would re-traumatise them too.  I'm still unsure what's best but I do worry about whehter its worse for them to see the conflict between mum and dad if we were still iving together.  I am less stressed with him gone.  He probably (I hope) is functioning better too without me since I seem to be the cause of so much of his resentment/anger/blame,etc.

Good evening BreatheFirst!  It is very difficult and very confusing for the children.  I hate being them traumatized.  It is very good that you are able to step back and look at what is going to be best for you and the children.  I feel much less stressed when my W is away.  My W will tell me that I am the cause for all her hurt/anger etc and while this may be true to a point, I also believe that it is the person that has been offended that has a choice whether or not to continue to carry that anger/hurt.  If we have done what we can to reconcile and take responsibility for any pain that we have caused, I believe the burden is then on them to work through and let go of the pain/anger/resentment.  It is no longer our responsibility aside from continuing to a point to being understanding and empathetic.

I think I started to read the books in front of him as some sort of challenge in a way.  Maybe a part of me wanted out, but moreover I wanted him to stop being like he was.  I realise that he probably can't.  That's hard to accept.

This is really a tough thing to realize and accept.  I have wondered at times if the PD diagnoses are an 'excuse' for bad behavior.  Are the 'professionals' trying to rationalize people habitually 'behaving badly'?  I doubt there is any validity to this but I have wondered at times. 

I hope you can find a way forward with your W... .  What do you want though? What do you need for you to have a good life?... .these are quesitons this group has made me start to think about.  Unfortunately what I want I probably can't get from my partner and I have to wonder if its better on my own anyway even if I don't find another person to share my life with.  These are all such hard things we face.

These are tough questions to answer and some of them have multiple answers depending on what you view reality as.  Ideally I would love to see my W happy and fulfilled and enjoying life and our children etc.  But then I go back to what I just wrote about above and wonder if that is even possible.  To make it more complicated, I have a personality where I believe I can do anything I put my mind to but this may be that one thing that I cannot do.  In that case, as I have told her, I want her to find whatever it is that is going to make her happy and fulfilled.  For myself, I want to be in a relationship that is passionate and vibrant.  I recognize that this is not something that would be a constant but I believe a stable loving passionate is possible even though it may not be perfect.  I want someone who can communicate what their needs/wants/love language(s) are and be able to meet all those and make them feel loved and fulfilled.  I would also like the same thing in return.  I do not think that I can get these from my W as much as I would like to.  I have communicated my wants/needs for years and there has been constant pushback.  Even something as simple as writing a simple love not on a post-it.  I have communicated that I would love her to do that on occasion and have looked for that need/want to be met for years.  Her response has always been that she is not my mother (my mom likes to write notes) or question why she should write me a note when she sees me every day.  My desire for notes has nothing to do with my mother and I don't think that I should have to 'justify' a want/need like that.  There are several other wants/needs that I have communicated over the years but her response is that I am trying to make her into something that she is not or that I look at her as a dress up doll.  This stems from me enjoying buying thins from VS for her.  It is just part of who I am.  If I could change my wants/needs, I would but I don't understand how that is possible.  I have come to the point over the years where I just kind of accept that those wants/needs are not going to be met but it does not make the desires go away.  At the end of the day, if I could do/say something to make her feel like the most beautiful/amazing woman in the world, I would but after years of trying, I do not believe that is possible.  Wow, that was a bit of a long response.

It sounds like your weekend was not very good. Its great tha tyou were able to talk to the kids though and help them through all of this.  I hope you have a great week and keep lookig for the positives.

It was challenging but I have purposed not to dwell on it and to move forward and focus on the good things as much as possible. 

WC

[BreatheFirst]

Hi WC

I understand about the things you want eg (the post-it notes).  I wanted intimacy and affection (a hug here, a kiss there).  My partner said that "that's not him". He did not like receiving affection either.   (Note this wasn't the case at the beginning, he only told me this recently  - about 4.5 years into a 5 year relationship) Apparently he had been "putting up with" the affection. And what little I got he constituted that as him making an effort. He would say that we are incompatible and maybe that's true.  I want a partner that likes to give and receive affection.

I share that need for someone to actually tell me what their needs and wants are and how to convey that I love them.  He didn't know when asked that one in counselling.  His answers were for me to listen to him, basically do what he wanted and leave him alone rather than resolve an issue.  What can you do with that?  It used to sound like I was forcing him to have a relationship.  My guess is he was just not willing and didn't want the closeness and intimacy. Perhaps he wanted it with someone else, I don't know.

I too tried to do what I could to please him but he still felt he wasn't getting what he needed either.  In summary, maybe we are both better off looking for it elsewhere so that our needs might actually be fulfilled.  I am angry because if he had said at the start of our relationship "I never want to be kissed or hugged and I won't do that to you very often at all" then I wouldn't have signed up for this. I feel that he misrepresented himself and then blames me for wanting those things now.  He should also have been very clear that he wanted someone who wouldn't talk to him, wouldn't want to spend time with him and would do everything he said.  But hey who would have signed up for that?

BreatheFirst

[Woodchuck]

Hi WC

I understand about the things you want eg (the post-it notes).  I wanted intimacy and affection (a hug here, a kiss there).  My partner said that "that's not him". He did not like receiving affection either.   (Note this wasn't the case at the beginning, he only told me this recently  - about 4.5 years into a 5 year relationship) Apparently he had been "putting up with" the affection. And what little I got he constituted that as him making an effort. He would say that we are incompatible and maybe that's true.  I want a partner that likes to give and receive affection.

I can really identify with things being different in the beginning and now being told that is not who they are and we are not compatible.  I don't know how many times I have heard that I should have married someone different.  She probably tells me that once every few weeks.  I think it is true about the incompatibility in that needs/wants cannot be recognized/validated/met.

I share that need for someone to actually tell me what their needs and wants are and how to convey that I love them.  He didn't know when asked that one in counselling.  His answers were for me to listen to him, basically do what he wanted and leave him alone rather than resolve an issue.  What can you do with that?  It used to sound like I was forcing him to have a relationship.  My guess is he was just not willing and didn't want the closeness and intimacy. Perhaps he wanted it with someone else, I don't know.

In my case, my W will/has told the counselor what my wants/needs are.  She does so in a very condescending way, implying that they are not valid.  How is wanting a short little note not valid.  And the person saying that it is not valid is the same person that put together an 'anniversary' meal while I was overseas and sent it to me so we could eat the same meal together while on the phone.  Of course there was a nice love note in there now.   But for the past several years, she has refused to do much more than acknowledge our anniversary and says she has no interest in celebrating years of pain. It really sucks when you feel like you are 'making' someone love you. 

I too tried to do what I could to please him but he still felt he wasn't getting what he needed either.  In summary, maybe we are both better off looking for it elsewhere so that our needs might actually be fulfilled.  I am angry because if he had said at the start of our relationship "I never want to be kissed or hugged and I won't do that to you very often at all" then I wouldn't have signed up for this. I feel that he misrepresented himself and then blames me for wanting those things now.  He should also have been very clear that he wanted someone who wouldn't talk to him, wouldn't want to spend time with him and would do everything he said.  But hey who would have signed up for that?

That is really where things get tiresome.  Not only are you not getting your needs met but you are apparently unable to meet their needs.  It makes me feel like a failure.  I have the same sense of anger, thinking that if I had only known and feeling like I was 'baited' into the relationship.  I have to take a step back though and realize that it is most likely not being done intentionally.   This is not at all easy to do but it does allow me to be a bit more understanding and maybe dulls the pain slightly but it still hurts.  My W told me when we met that she never wanted to get married to anyone and then 6 months in, she 'demanded' that we get married.  A combination of feeling special, being the only one she wanted or something like that along with wanting to make her happy led me to agree to marriage.  Hind sight is 20/20 and looking back, this is most definitely not what I signed up for.  Everything happens for a reason though, right?  Hang in there!  Take time to take care of you!

WC