Before I had nobody to talk to in my past relationships- especially this one

[SerendipityChild]

So glad to hear your spirits are kept up - these small little acts of defiance can seem immature, I found them invaluable as a way of detaching emotionally.
It was a nice cake too, marbled lemon with condensed milk topped. very rich, I comforted it down with coffee and I cant recall how many cigarettes that night, kept the lights off, always listen to the gut instinct - she turned up, at least I was prepared for it.
I wonder if the choice of lemon was subconcious bitterness? haha
Anyway, not long to go and its a year apart, so you guessed it, another celebrate-with-cake excuse!  
Not sure what type yet, im thinking something I can load as much alcohol as possible into, something Jamaica rum or beer cake style. gotta celebrate these milestones right?  

I was laughing for a good three minutes yesterday as I read that. It was a good choice by the way- lemon. Bitterness or making a lemonade out of it- either way it was a good start. Mine was June 1st- easier to remember and calculate the number of days, weeks, months he's been gone. Maybe I should start celebrating like you did. Or treat myself to a spa or massage. Got lots of money to spare now that he's gone=)
The piled up packs of cigarettes I smoked in my backyard became a reminiscent of the moments I thought of him, heartbroken. Or just plain broken. Benzos helped me sleep though so I am glad I had that.
Before I had nobody to talk to in regards to my past relationships- especially this last one which almost ruined me. I have searched and searched online until stumbled upon this site. I could not be any luckier. Who knew so many people like me have/still are gone/ going through horrible situations and heartaches like mine?
When I am at home I rarely speak about my ex with my two children. He became a taboo subject. I don't know if that is healthy. But after joining this site I started talking about him at home. My children helped me get rid of all his stuff. And we all decided to become minimalists. Haha! We purged and threw away stuff we have not used in the last 6 months. Our place looks so clean and bigger now. So there is an upside to my situation, I guess.

[Cromwell]

Maybe I should start celebrating like you did. Or treat myself to a spa or massage. Got lots of money to spare now that he's gone=)

Highly recommend the Spa, I sat there and just let all those toxins out , you learn its possible to survive a few hours without wanting a cigarette too  

The piled up packs of cigarettes I smoked in my backyard became a reminiscent of the moments I thought of him, heartbroken. Or just plain broken. Benzos helped me sleep though so I am glad I had that.

Great meditation tool, although in those first fortnight I lost track of how much meditation I was doing, was it  scheduled between 9 to 5 or was it 5 to 9? Its all a blur, but I do look back and recall it was important that I learned that my new found hobby of blackening my lungs whilst looking for those little imperfections on the ceilings was the first big step on the road to getting better. I should have bought shares in Marlboro before I met her!

Are you a fan of Chamomile tea, SerendipityChild? I try to convince anyone to join the CT club, I sleep like a log 10 minutes after. On those days where the planets somehow realigned totally against me, theres a stash of antipsychotics that obliterate all the worlds and my problems to non-existence. Wake up the next day brand new, or next day early evening to be more precise usually. Whatever works right?

Before I had nobody to talk to in regards to my past relationships- especially this last one which almost ruined me. I have searched and searched online until stumbled upon this site. I could not be any luckier. Who knew so many people like me have/still are gone/ going through horrible situations and heartaches like mine?
When I am at home I rarely speak about my ex with my two children. He became a taboo subject. I don't know if that is healthy. But after joining this site I started talking about him at home. My children helped me get rid of all his stuff. And we all decided to become minimalists. Haha! We purged and threw away stuff we have not used in the last 6 months. Our place looks so clean and bigger now. So there is an upside to my situation, I guess.

I woke up one day and erased every picture, removed anything at all that remotely triggered her and discarded it, it felt at the time as what people of a subjected tyrant or dictator reclaim their nation and tear down statues, flags, icons... .yep she had a good run, was good at throwing scraps from the table, but eventually ousted all the same, just takes time to remove that bed bug.

I can really visualise you combined forces with your kids and just taking ownership of your home again, I salute you all.

Im glad you found this place SerendipityChild, my advice is move always from thinking to trying - I was so desperate to get out of despair I took inspiration from people here and just applied it, stuff id never have ever believed id want to, or need to, or felt I was being self indulgent to do so. Where im at today is the recovery has became less of a sort of clinical effort and actually a bit of an adventure, even dare I say, fun at times? Alot of it forced me to think outside of the box, try new things, learn new things - I now apply so much of it to my life and its enhanced it. Try the spa even if you feel excuses not to, once I started to over-ride feelings, it prove to me that they arent facts. They are just; feelings.

 Bad days are part of the challenge, they are just temporary blips, but I never faced them alone, came here, helped get back on track again.

Your on your way SerendipityChild im so optimistic and a bit excited for you are doing so well already, keep going like you are.  

[SerendipityChild]

Highly recommend the Spa, I sat there and just let all those toxins out , you learn its possible to survive a few hours without wanting a cigarette too  
Great meditation tool, although in those first fortnight I lost track of how much meditation I was doing, was it  scheduled between 9 to 5 or was it 5 to 9? Its all a blur, but I do look back and recall it was important that I learned that my new found hobby of blackening my lungs whilst looking for those little imperfections on the ceilings was the first big step on the road to getting better. I should have bought shares in Marlboro before I met her!
Are you a fan of Chamomile tea, SerendipityChild? I try to convince anyone to join the CT club, I sleep like a log 10 minutes after. On those days where the planets somehow realigned totally against me, theres a stash of antipsychotics that obliterate all the worlds and my problems to non-existence. Wake up the next day brand new, or next day early evening to be more precise usually. Whatever works right?

I woke up one day and erased every picture, removed anything at all that remotely triggered her and discarded it, it felt at the time as what people of a subjected tyrant or dictator reclaim their nation and tear down statues, flags, icons... .yep she had a good run, was good at throwing scraps from the table, but eventually ousted all the same, just takes time to remove that bed bug.

I can really visualise you combined forces with your kids and just taking ownership of your home again, I salute you all.

Im glad you found this place SerendipityChild, my advice is move always from thinking to trying - I was so desperate to get out of despair I took inspiration from people here and just applied it, stuff id never have ever believed id want to, or need to, or felt I was being self indulgent to do so. Where im at today is the recovery has became less of a sort of clinical effort and actually a bit of an adventure, even dare I say, fun at times? Alot of it forced me to think outside of the box, try new things, learn new things - I now apply so much of it to my life and its enhanced it. Try the spa even if you feel excuses not to, once I started to over-ride feelings, it prove to me that they arent facts. They are just; feelings.

 Bad days are part of the challenge, they are just temporary blips, but I never faced them alone, came here, helped get back on track again.

Your on your way SerendipityChild im so optimistic and a bit excited for you are doing so well already, keep going like you are.  

Spa it is... .I am thinking of rejoining the gym, or just start with a simple cardio at home. Slowly I am getting motivated to do something with myself. I have lost a lot of my self-esteem that I started to stop taking care of myself: not eating healthy foods, stopped buying stylish clothes, just sulking at home on the weekends.
Not a big fan of tea nor coffee, but will try tea to substitute to Coke Zero. It became sort of my treat from doing keto diet. I'll let you know how it goes.
Somehow I had this mental shrine of my ex, and seeing his stuff at home was making it hard for me to tear it down. But yeah, the kids and I had fun throwing all his crap out of our home. It was quite liberating=)
I agree, this site is so helpful and I feel so much gratitude to everyone here for sharing. And for your encouragement. I can't wait to be where you are now emotionally and mentally.

[SerendipityChild]

i'm really glad this thread from March has gotten bumped. this really resonates with me right now.  i haven't posted much to these boards, but i've been steadily reading since i first found them.
i broke up with my uBPDbf July 18, and he moved out Aug 1 (he didn't actually leave by that date even though i was extremely firm about that deadline, of course, it had to get ugly before he would hand over the keys a few days later) we have been NC for a little more than a week, and he is currently out of town, so that helps a lot.

but i'm really struggling. so much anger and resentment keep bubbling to the surface. so many things that i thought didn't bother me are now really REALLY bothering me. i'm keeping a journal, and a list of things that i'm mad about. that helps, to write it down, spell it out, read it back to myself, and let it go! or at least try to let it go.

Very sorry to hear that Eeps and we all feel for you. I understand the raw emotions as I have been there not quite long ago. Like you I was struggling. Glad you are writing your feelings down. It is a good outlet. Worked for me and others here. There are so many things you can learn from everyone here on how to cope. Keep reading.

[SerendipityChild]

Hello Cromwell.
So... .it’s Saturday here in LA and I woke up at 7am. Since he left I’d normally stay in bed and think of him then get depressed, which then sets the mood of my day. Depressed, sad and energy draining.
This morning it’s different. I put on a hoodie, shorts and sneakers and took my dog for a run. A run! Not a walk. I’ve never seen my dog so excited=) if she could only talk she’d have probably said atta girl.
As I ran with her the endorphins started rushing in and for the first time since June 1st I felt happy. Still am as I write this. My vibes must have been that positive that other people who were walking their dogs were smiling at me, saying good morning, have a nice day and such. Funny, a firetruck passed by and the firemen honked the horn at me. And a man walking his dog chatted with me for a bit. He said he walkes his dog everyday at the same time. Maybe he was trying to tell me something? Lol. Anyway, I just want to let you know that my spirits are lifting. I spoke to my son and asked him about the gym he goes to and he advised that I join. He seems happy for me.
So I scheduled a spa date tomorrow and I’m looking forward to it. Good way to start the week. Maybe get a nice lemon cake after. Haha.

[SerendipityChild]

 

Hello Cromwell.
So... .it’s Saturday here in LA and I woke up at 7am. Since he left I’d normally stay in bed and think of him then get depressed, which then sets the mood of my day. Depressed, sad and energy draining.
This morning it’s different. I put on a hoodie, shorts and sneakers and took my dog for a run. A run! Not a walk. I’ve never seen my dog so excited=) if she could only talk she’d have probably said atta girl.
As I ran with her the endorphins started rushing in and for the first time since June 1st I felt happy. Still am as I write this. My vibes must have been that positive that other people who were walking their dogs were smiling at me, saying good morning, have a nice day and such. Funny, a firetruck passed by and the firemen honked the horn at me. And a man walking his dog chatted with me for a bit. He said he walkes his dog everyday at the same time. Maybe he was trying to tell me something? Lol. Anyway, I just want to let you know that my spirits are lifting. I spoke to my son and asked him about the gym he goes to and he advised that I join. He seems happy for me.
So I scheduled a spa date tomorrow and I’m looking forward to it. Good way to start the week. Maybe get a nice lemon cake after. Haha.

[Cromwell]

Hello Cromwell.
So... .it’s Saturday here in LA and I woke up at 7am. Since he left I’d normally stay in bed and think of him then get depressed, which then sets the mood of my day. Depressed, sad and energy draining.
This morning it’s different. I put on a hoodie, shorts and sneakers and took my dog for a run. A run! Not a walk. I’ve never seen my dog so excited=) if she could only talk she’d have probably said atta girl.
As I ran with her the endorphins started rushing in and for the first time since June 1st I felt happy. Still am as I write this. My vibes must have been that positive that other people who were walking their dogs were smiling at me, saying good morning, have a nice day and such. Funny, a firetruck passed by and the firemen honked the horn at me. And a man walking his dog chatted with me for a bit. He said he walkes his dog everyday at the same time. Maybe he was trying to tell me something? Lol. Anyway, I just want to let you know that my spirits are lifting. I spoke to my son and asked him about the gym he goes to and he advised that I join. He seems happy for me.
So I scheduled a spa date tomorrow and I’m looking forward to it. Good way to start the week. Maybe get a nice lemon cake after. Haha.

Hi SerendipityChild,

look. Shes found it!  in the Zone! Feels amazing right? Nothing like a good sprint body pumped full of nourishing nutrient rich blood, oxygenated... .radiating positivity.  Attention from firefighters - positivity overload, SC on fire! 

Who cant read your post and not palpably feel that radiance? I can from 1000s of miles away. it is uplifting, its contagious, did my sprints yesterday too SC, empty park, first thing in the morning, Saturday is "finisher" day from the workouts of the weak, a round up - it was also "finish - her" day. It worked, it was scheduled in, oh sure a few pesky habitual little thoughts, nothing that I cant shrug off - yep SC - its not going to get us down - take ownership each time - your doing great.

No Sunny LA sky here - its a grey block slowly pushing down from the skys like sophisticated torture device - rain drops clutching to everything, cold, damp - , your post kickstarted me, music on, singing Fernando, blackening my lungs happily, coffee coursing through my system and looking forward to lemon drizzle later on

Heck its Sunday, rest day, im going to bake it, havent baked anything in years. Thanks SC. Enjoy your day. make it awesome  

[Wakemeup]

Hey SC,

Just catching up on your progress and I'm so glad to hear you're getting out and taking back your life. Recognizing you are totally in control of your own destiny puts the power back in your hands and guides you towards healing. And I'm sure the dog walker and fire truck were telling you something... .You're awesome and people recognize it!

[SerendipityChild]

Hi SerendipityChild,

look. Shes found it!  in the Zone! Feels amazing right? Nothing like a good sprint body pumped full of nourishing nutrient rich blood, oxygenated... .radiating positivity.  Attention from firefighters - positivity overload, SC on fire! 

Who cant read your post and not palpably feel that radiance? I can from 1000s of miles away. it is uplifting, its contagious, did my sprints yesterday too SC, empty park, first thing in the morning, Saturday is "finisher" day from the workouts of the weak, a round up - it was also "finish - her" day. It worked, it was scheduled in, oh sure a few pesky habitual little thoughts, nothing that I cant shrug off - yep SC - its not going to get us down - take ownership each time - your doing great.

No Sunny LA sky here - its a grey block slowly pushing down from the skys like sophisticated torture device - rain drops clutching to everything, cold, damp - , your post kickstarted me, music on, singing Fernando, blackening my lungs happily, coffee coursing through my system and looking forward to lemon drizzle later on

Heck its Sunday, rest day, im going to bake it, havent baked anything in years. Thanks SC. Enjoy your day. make it awesome  

Did it again this morning. A full hour of running around several blocks with my dog. Woke up an hour later than i planned but nevertheless did it. Feeling the sun on my face and soaking on its energy. I almost forgot how good it feels to be energetic again. Beginning to feel alive again.
I made my children’s favorite food last night for dinner. And guess what? I bought a lemon cake! Haha! I was not a big fan until I had a piece of it again. Maybe it was psychological. And  the celebratory purpose behind it. I have you to thank for that=)
Getting ready for my spa treat today. Then see my parents and sisters afterwards. It’s going to be a good day. I’m glad i sort of inspired you. And i hope my little post inspires others as well.
I laughed at the word “finish-her”. Still giggling actually as i write this. You really are funny. And boy can you write. I read your posts and get inspiration from them.
If we were neighbors I would knock on your door with a gift basket. A plethora of teas- as my sort of giving thanks. Heck I’d send one to everyone here who shared and shares their stories. Let them know they are not alone.
Fernando... is that from ABBA? I remember singing it when i was little. One of my dad’s tapes during the 80’s=)

[SerendipityChild]

Hey SC,

Just catching up on your progress and I'm so glad to hear you're getting out and taking back your life. Recognizing you are totally in control of your own destiny puts the power back in your hands and guides you towards healing. And I'm sure the dog walker and fire truck were telling you something... .You're awesome and people recognize it!

Thanks Wakemeup! I think I’m starting to get myself back! I can tell because I’ve never used that many exclamation points in my life. Ever! Haha!=)
It’s a surreal feeling. Something I’ve forgotten for years- this feeling of being alive and looking forward to a new day everyday.
So thank you again for your note. And I hope you’re feeling awesome today. Cheers!

[Educated_Guess]

SerendipityChild, I’m so glad to read that you are doing things that make you feel good.  I also went on a house cleaning binge after the breakup.  It’s good to purge things.

I’m also glad that you are doing some things with your kids.  This will probably be a valuable life lesson for them - seeing you get on your feet and sprinting forward.


Keep it up, girl! 

[SerendipityChild]

SerendipityChild, I’m so glad to read that you are doing things that make you feel good.  I also went on a house cleaning binge after the breakup.  It’s good to purge things.

I’m also glad that you are doing some things with your kids.  This will probably be a valuable life lesson for them - seeing you get on your feet and sprinting forward.


Keep it up, girl! 

EducatedGuess, thank you. It’s a liberating feeling. To get rus of atuff that makes you sad. And people who makes you miserable.  I’m glad you did it, too. The cleansing effect lingers.
The kids and I are moving forward. They are happy to see me move on after a horrible discard. We have all felt the aftermath and it was ugly.
Again i am grateful for this site and people like you who inspire me to keep my head up=)

[SerendipityChild]

Educated_Guess, thank you. It’s a liberating feeling. To get rid of stuff that makes you sad. And people who makes you miserable.  I’m glad you did it, too. The cleansing effect lingers.
The kids and I are moving forward. They are happy to see me move on after a horrible discard. We have all felt the aftermath and it was ugly.
Again i am grateful for this site and people like you who inspire me to keep my head up=)

[Educated_Guess]

btw, SerendipidyChild, I love the quote in your sig.  I'm going to memorize that one

[SerendipityChild]

btw, SerendipidyChild, I love the quote in your sig.  I'm going to memorize that one

Thanks EG, isn't it so fitting? I actually found it from this book called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD, and Hal Straus. You can download it online and feel free to read it when you get a chance. I've read it a few times last year when I was struggling to cope and still living with my ex. Gave me a full understanding of BPD and how their minds work. Quite educating.