My wife has BPD, and I want to love her how she needs.

[Masterofart]

I’ve been married to my wife for under a year and recently I found out that she was lying to me about things. And having an affair not with one person but mulitiple. It hurt me so bad. She at first was like leave then freaked out and I agreed to try marriage counseling. She was diagnosed with BPD. Bc of the lack of self. And emptiness. She will just switch on me but loving then act like she doesn’t want anything to do with our relationship. I don’t know how to act completely still. And I’m scared honestly because I’m really good to her. And maybe that isn’t enough and I can’t try to help her overcome some of the challenges bc I’m already so hurt. And now she tries to accuse me of cheating. When she knows I wouldn’t. But so she doesn’t have to feel guilty.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Masterofart,

Oh my! That is a lot in a first year of marriage! How long were you together before you got married?

Check out the lessons to the right of the board.  They will start to help answer this question of "how am I supposed to act?" In time you may want to dive in deeper and share examples and members can share ideas about what to do/not do for all kinds of situations.

So has the marriage counseling started? How did her getting diagnosed come about?

I am sorry for your pain related to the affairs and accusations! I can relate to how painful and disappointing it is when someone you love can be so difficult to be with. 

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Masterofart]

6 months before I knew her. We spent a lot of time together. And honestly it just started getting worse and a lot of red flags. We had one session so far she’s been told by 3 counselors and our marriage counselor actually said it too. Bc of the story and all of it she’s like you don’t have a true sense of self. Bc she always finds it in others. But not just me and that’s frustrating bc we made a vow ya know? And I try to show her in actions words money special things. And I don’t get anything in return but I’m sorrys. She’s lied about a lot of things including her job. Maybe she wants out. I still am trying to figure it out. But I’m trying for her and going to learn how to help her continue to go forward and grow. But I’m scared she will do it all again. I get deployed soon. So how am I suppose to give her that attention she seeks. I won’t be there physically. And when we’re apart she completely changes. She can act like I’m no one. And call me dude. Or man. Or like bud. Just to hurt me. And I know it’s for that reason but I still let it affect me. I want to be there. She admits she has BPD she doesn’t get upset about it or anything. But since then she will be like you need to understand it , basically validating any of her actions because of it. That I just don’t get her.

[BeagleGirl]

MasterofArt,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  Dealing with the betrayal of multiple affairs is a tremendous task, but to do so while also trying to understand and learn to deal with a BPD diagnosis must feel nearly impossible at times.  Add to that your impending deployment and my heart goes out to you.

I hear in your posts that you love your wife and want to help her.  That is very difficult to do when the person you want to help does not feel the need to be helped, and it sounds like your wife may be feeling that way at the moment. 

I think that you will have the most success if you start with a focus of self-care.  What are you doing to care for yourself mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally during this time?  Can we help you in those areas?

Have you had a chance to read up on the tools offered on this site?  I found that boundaries and SET were very valuable tools, but took some practice and feedback from other members on this site to learn. 

BeagleGirl