Am I serving my Son well

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I suppose that I’m looking for validation with this post. My Son’s mom is great about taking the kids to do things, throw extravagant birthday parties every year and the like. I’m not that guy. I do everything I can to pay attention to validating our Son and making sure that his emotional needs are met. I’m trying hard to teach him about boundary setting by allowing him the reasonable “no” and allowing him to make reasonable decisions based on his age.

What’s troubling me is that I don’t provide a lot of material things for him. He has ample toys here, but I don’t really believe in the material stuff. I’m afraid that his mother will eventually “buy” him.

[JNChell]

I suppose that I’m looking for validation with this post. My Son’s mom is great about taking the kids to do things, throw extravagant birthday parties every year and the like. I’m not that guy. I do everything I can to pay attention to validating our Son and making sure that his emotional needs are met. I’m trying hard to teach him about boundary setting by allowing him the reasonable “no” and allowing him to make reasonable decisions based on his age.

What’s troubling me is that I don’t provide a lot of material things for him. He has ample toys here, but I don’t really believe in the material stuff. I’m afraid that his mother will eventually “buy” him.

[zachira]

Please do not worry so much about your son's mother being able to buy your son. I grew up with a mom with BPD and NPD, and a father with narcissistic traits. I had every thing you could imagine materially. My father became a better father after my aunt talked to him about favoring my sister and how I needed some attention. I am grateful to this day to the people who validated me as a child, even if it were only five minutes of their time, and I truly believe I would not be the person I am today without them. Every child longs to have a parent and others see them for who he/she is and support him/her in becoming a happy healthy human being. Does you son ever request that you buy him expensive things? What would you say if he did? I am sure there will come a time when you have to explain to your son that some of your values are different from his mother's. When it comes time to give this kind of explanation to your son, what will you say?

[JNChell]

zachira, thank you for this. It has put me back in the right perspective.

Please do not worry so much about your son's mother being able to buy your son.

You’re absolutely right. I’ve gotten a lot of advice from the members here and from my psychologist that I can only control my end of this and that I’m giving up mental real estate by worrying about how my Son’s mom is raising him. It’s so easy to lose sight of this. I guess I need to keep practicing my grounding techniques. So much seems to go back to grounding. RA.

I grew up with a mom with BPD and NPD, and a father with narcissistic traits. I had every thing you could imagine materially.

This really hit home with me. I believe that my mom was BPD and my father NPD, and like you I had more possessions than any kid could ever want. Christmas’ and B-days were insanely generous. Unfortunately, the emotional stuff was void. Place the abuse on top of that, “welcome to bpdfamily”. 

I am grateful to this day to the people who validated me as a child, even if it were only five minutes of their time, and I truly believe I would not be the person I am today without them.

I hear you on this. Perhaps this is what saved us in a sense. It’s a bit scary to think about how close we possibly came to crossing over to the point of no return.

When it comes time to give this kind of explanation to your son, what will you say?

I think about this a lot and honestly, at this time, I have no idea. The only thing that I know is that I’m going to have to be very careful in explaining things. I’m sure that I will be asking for advice here and from my T assuming that I’m still participating in both places. Thanks, zachira.

[Feeling Better]

Hey JNChell, there’s nothing wrong in seeking validation.

I think the most precious gift that a parent can give to their child is their time.

When I think back, I don’t remember my mother giving me much of her time, she was always too busy. Her housework, her plants that she lovingly tended were always more important to her, and anyway according to her, doing stuff with me was boring.

What’s troubling me is that I don’t provide a lot of material things for him. He has ample toys here, but I don’t really believe in the material stuff. I’m afraid that his mother will eventually “buy” him.

Be true to yourself JNChell and you won’t care whether his mother “buys” him or not.

She might be able to “buy” him, who knows? You have no control over that, you can only control you and what you do with your son.

It sounds to me as though you are doing just great. Keep concentrating on your core relationship with your son, keep building a strong bond with him. That’s what lasts. Material things are here today and gone tomorrow 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi JNChell,

I don't know if what I have to share will be of any help or not, but I wanted to come from the other end and tell you about my weekend with my S23 (24 in 2 weeks!). He is in grad school, and neither of us have a lot of money to spend. It's not about the money. We've gone through the young child growing up years, and here I am his mom, over 50 years old, and he wants to spend time with me and do things with me. He's been asking for weeks when I could come down and meet his friends and go to his favorite places that he wanted to share with me. That took place this past Friday through today. We made meals together in his apartment, went grocery shopping together, talked, sat quietly and vegged, then went out to meet his friends and did a couple of sight seeing things. He thought about what I'd like to do, what he wanted to share, and the weekend was a fun combination of many things but especially spending time relating with him.

What you do now and in the days to come with your son will sink in far deeper than you can imagine. You went without validation from your parents, like so many of us adult survivors. Yet you are choosing to do it differently. Kudos to you!   Be yourself. He will see it and know the difference.

 
Wools

PS Have you ever read the book Loveable by Kelly Flanagan?

[Learning2Thrive]

What’s troubling me is that I don’t provide a lot of material things for him. He has ample toys here, but I don’t really believe in the material stuff. I’m afraid that his mother will eventually “buy” him.

JNChell, the best gift you can give your son is your time being your genuine self, loving him and giving him an example and the freedom/ability to become his own genuine self.

  L2T

[Panda39]

Hi JNChell,

Keep doing what you're doing.  Make those connections with your son, they will always mean more than any "stuff". 

I have always described my SO's uBPDxw as both neglectful and over indulgent... .the girls need socks and underwear, she buys them costume jewelry, daughter has a stomachache on Monday she keeps her home from school for the whole week, mom rents a 3 bedroom town home so the girls can have their own rooms but she can't afford the town home and is evicted.

My SO has not been doing anything "glamorous" just being the reliable, honest, consistent parent. In 2015 both girls chose to (like ForeverDad often says) "vote with their feet" and in spite of a custody order to the contrary they moved in with their dad full time.

D21 is no contact with her mother and D17 is low contact (text/phone) with her mother.  They know that all "gifts" from their mother come with strings attached.

A few years ago mom promised D17 a much desired "tablet".  She brought it over and D21 was there and instead of giving it to D17 she gave it to D21.  D21 had no idea it had been promised to D17 so she took it.  Once the rest of the story came to light... .they and their dad talked about it and decided to return the tablet.  It was used as a tool to build s wedge between the girls, and it was being used as a bribe with both girls... .mom wanted information about D21 from D17 and she wanted D21 to have contact with her.  The tablet was toxic, I was so proud of them for seeing it, and making the decision to give it back.

Yes it's hard for kids, they all want stuff... .the stuff their friends have, or better stuff than their friends have... .God knows D17 must have the most fancy latest and greatest IPhone on the planet just because she's a teenage girl in High School but if she accepts it from her mother she knows there are strings attached.  It's up to her if she is willing to go down that path or not, she knows the consequences.

But in terms of the big things... .not "wants" but "needs"... .who keeps a roof over their head, who puts clothes on their back, food in their stomach, gets them to the doctor or dentist, buys school supplies, and yes who validates them, and emotionally supports them etc.  It is their dad, they can count on for all of those things, he shows them everyday that he loves them... .he walks the walk.

Panda39

[Turkish]

He will remember the extravagance, but he will take with him your love and connection more 

My ex is a little like that,  overcompensating which I think has something to do with her deprived childhood. Nothing triggers my kids more,  in a good way,  then when I hug and miss them and say "I love you."

I've been taking a few days of to watch them.  We went to the wilderness park Friday morning.  It's free on weekdays.  They loved being out in nature.  We practiced identifying local wildlife,  how to back up safely if we saw rattlesnakes.  Identified poison oak.  Had them throw rocks into the river (who doesn't love that?). They got excited going to Panda Express for lunch afterwards, and we watched White Fang on Netflix in the afternoon when it was hot. That's a typical day with me.

They do ask me to buy toys on amazon (I guess this is the modern version of the Sears Toy Catalog), and I tell them that they can either wait until Christmas or give me some of their money that their mom has been keeping.  It's not that I can't afford a $25 toy (I do occasionally let them pick toys when we make a Walmart run), it's about me trying to teach them to delay gratification. 

As for tablets, the ex-laws have bought the kids two sets of Amazon tablets. Two bricked. My ex also asked me to manage them.  No. I have two Android tablets with kids' accounts on which I disabled Netflix and the few non-educational android games I have I only enable on my account. If they want to play games,  they know is a privilege of I let them play on my account. Maybe I'm a bit harsh,  but I don't care, and the kids might on occasion throw a but if a 'tude or whine my way, but I know I'm the parent. They also know that I love them. 

[JNChell]

Hi Feeling Better. Thanks for your feedback!

When I think back, I don’t remember my mother giving me much of her time, she was always too busy. Her housework, her plants that she lovingly tended were always more important to her, and anyway according to her, doing stuff with me was boring.

Her loss. Being a parent, or should I say trying to be one, has been the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I’m sorry that your mother couldn’t be what you needed her to be. I understand. The statement that you made about her saying that you were boring stuck out to me. That is something a child would say about a parent when the parent wants to hang out with their child. Do you think that this may have been parentification? I think that everyone on this board would like to hang out with you as long as it didn’t involve place kicking a football with you as the holder.

[JNChell]

Hi Wools! Thanks for chiming in!

The time that you described spending with your Son is terrific. I imagined how good it must have felt to have your young adult reach out like that. I imagined it feeling like all the validation that one could ever need. I hope that I can give similar testimonials someday.

PS Have you ever read the book Loveable by Kelly Flanagan?

I haven’t. I’ve been on a book buying frenzy recently, so I have jotted it down and will be visiting Amazon tonight.

[JNChell]

L2T, I’m trying.


JNChell, the best gift you can give your son is your time being your genuine self, loving him and giving him an example and the freedom/ability to become his own genuine self.

[Learning2Thrive]

L2T, I’m trying.


JNChell, the best gift you can give your son is your time being your genuine self, loving him and giving him an example and the freedom/ability to become his own genuine self.

Go you!  

As the very wise zachira reminded me today on another thread, being your best you helps bring out the best in others. You are worthy of being your best you.

  L2T

[JNChell]

Panda39, thank you for the insight. I haven’t interacted with you much on this site, but I do admire your reasons for being here and your straight forward approach.

A few years ago mom promised D17 a much desired "tablet".  She brought it over and D21 was there and instead of giving it to D17 she gave it to D21.  21 had no idea it had been promised to D17 so she took it.  Once the rest of the story came to light... .they and their dad talked about it and decided to return the tablet.  It was used as a tool to build s wedge between the girls, and it was being used as a bribe with both girls... .mom wanted information about D21 from D17 and she wanted D21 to have contact with her.  The tablet was toxic, I was so proud of them for seeing it, and making the decision to give it back.

This speaks volumes. Good for your daughters, and good on you and their Father for being solid and consistent. The descriptions that I’ve read about their mom gives the willies. Thank goodness that the girls “voted with their feet”. Job well done!

[JNChell]

Hello, Turkish. It sounds like you had a great time with your kids. I do have a question that just popped into my mind. I can get a bit anxious between my time with S3. It’s basically missing him a lot and wondering about how he’s doing. I understand that you have a sustained relationship as a co-parent with your ex. Did you ever have these anxious feelings in between your time with your kids? If so, is this simply an adjustment period?

He will remember the extravagance, but he will take with him your love and connection more  love

I hope so. I hope I get it right.

I had “White Fang” (the book) as a kid. I remember my mom buying it for me at a school book fair. I know that I read it more than once, but I only remember a snippet of it.

I know inside that the time spent means more than a material item, but I have an underlying fear that S3 will succumb to material attachment to his mom. I witnessed it with her D9, and as you said, it goes back to the ex’s childhood. She has said it herself. I saw how D9 was developing between 4-8 years old. It was concerning.

[Woolspinner2000]

JNChell,

One of our newer ambassadors mentioned the book "Loveable" and several of us on staff have read it. I found it very helpful and am still working through it. It's one of those books that I pick up, read a chapter, and then think on it, then go back and re read that chapter again... .I suppose like other books, not all are helpful for everyone, but I have been able to glean a fair amount from it.

Re your son, don't lose sight of the aspect of staying 'mindful' when you are together. If we could look in a magic ball, we would perhaps be able to see how things turn out, but we cannot do that. Mindfulness helps us to enjoy the moment and be present, much the opposite of disassociation, and for me it is a small step towards RA.  It takes a little bit of work, but gradually I'm finding much pleasure in the moment, and my awareness of it is increasing all the time. On occassion the past few months I've stepped back and suddenly realized that I stayed present during an event. That was awesome news for me!   With your son, staying present with him will be far more worthwhile than any gifts. Your gift will be that you are present with him, listening, playing with toys and games, being there, loving him.

All our suggestions are going to come with time. It's like lifting weights or exercising or bicycling. One cannot accomplish much the first few times, but gradual working at it brings strength to do more. You'll get there with consistency.

 
Wools

[Panda39]

PS Have you ever read the book Loveable by Kelly Flanagan?

I haven’t. I’ve been on a book buying frenzy recently, so I have jotted it down and will be visiting Amazon tonight.

I'm with you a stack of stuff to read and this one is in my pile.   

Panda39

[JNChell]

 

[Fie]

Hello JNChell  


From what I can read on here I can only conclude that you are trying really hard to be the best version of yourself for your son.

You are giving him emotional support and since you know a lot about BPD you even teach him about boundaries. I'd say ... .that's invaluable. Not a lot of parents do that, so please accept my compliments.

You are saying you are not giving a lot of material stuff to your son. First of all, love lasts a lot longer than toys and of course your son knows that, and he always will. So no, I'm sure his mother won't be able to 'buy' him. Also you are saying that you don't give him a lot of material stuff out of principle. I am like that, too. My daughter gets more toys from her dad than from me, but I am the one teaching her on how to deal with some 'odd' behaviors of her father. For me that's more important. She has never asked me on why she gets more toys from him than from me, but she does mention sometimes getting them. Than I just tell her that I am ok with him doing that, but I am different and I think we should be happy with small things, not always wanting other and bigger toys. She understands and doesn't even make it an issue. I think a good relationship with our kids goes a longer way then toys ... .