Divorcing a BPD wife who became violent. She would blame the violence on me.

[icantbelieveher]

I have filed for divorce from my BPD wife of 4 years. I had no idea that people with borderline personality disorder even existed before I met her.  My first wife of 23 years died from breast cancer 5 years ago.  We had 4 sons together.   I was over 50 years old when I met this new woman approximately 3 months after my first wife passed away. I met her on an online dating site.  The 1st 3-4 months was very good and we quickly married but after she moved in with myself and my sons I started to notice some extremely bizarre behavior.  She started showing extreme rage which I at first thought was just related to being in a new home and town and with a new family.

It became apparent after approximately 3 months of this behavior that this had nothing to do with a new home or a new adjustment.  It started to become very clear that this was a mental illness.  Her rage was beyond anything I had ever experienced.  She would become extremely furious over very minor things or mostly over things that never occurred at all.  After some research I found that this behavior was known as gas lighting where she would invent things in her own mind that never happened and then blame me for them.  It started to become apparent that this anger was like a drug to her.   She needed it.

Initially she started with these rages about 2 or 3 times a week.  Over the last 2 years of our marriage however these episodes were occurring on a daily basis.  She would wake me up at 3 o'clock in the morning  from a sound sleep, screaming in my face and calling me and my children every awful thing you could possibly think of.   This would sometimes occur for 4-5 nights in a row. Every time I would discuss the situations with her, her answer was always the same.   She would say" if you would just stop pissing me off everything would be fine". What she could never seem to understand was that it was impossible not to make her angry.

For years I spent an enormous amount of money, time and effort in an attempt to keep her from becoming angry at me.  It did however finely dawn on me that it was impossible to stop this behavior in her.  After much research and reading I came to several conclusions.  I found the DSM 4 criteria for the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and I found that she fit this criteria perfectly. So at that point at least I understood what I was up against.   I saw a psychologist on you tube giving a lecture about borderline personality disorder and something that he said struck home with me.  I will be forever thankful to this man for posting this video because it completely woke me up.  He said in this video that if a spouse ever becomes violent in a relationship then that relationship is OVER! That spouse is never going to change and there has been a line crossed that can never be uncrossed.  Once the spouse figures that they can become violent, then this psychologist says the relationship cannot be saved in his experience.  Thank god for that video.  

Soon after my wife started to become violent.  She would always blame the violence on me.  She would say" if you would have sent me that email or forwarded me that text message I would not have had to hit you".    Every abusive spouse that has ever lived has attempted to blame their abuse on the other person.  You simply cannot except that. I hope that any man who is out there who is being physically abused by his wife and reads this will consider the words that I have written.  Once a spouse feels that they are perfectly within there rights to become violent with you, they are never going to change.  A line has been crossed that simply cannot be uncrossed.  If your wife is being verbally and emotionally abusive please educate herself on the diagnosis of BPD and consider getting out of that relationship because it is not going to improve.

The biggest problem with borderline personality disorder individuals is they can never see the problem.  They will always be convinced that YOU are the problem.  And that is never going to change in 98% of these people.  And if the woman is violent with you,  then as a man you are aware that if you physically strike her back the likelihood that she will have you arrested is quite high.  The options for men who are in relationships and are being physically abused by women is not nearly as numerous as in relationships where a woman is being abused by a man.  Society simply does not take abuse by women on men seriously.   I have however found that I think the attitude toward this by the law enforcement community is changing.   I think that many in law enforcement are starting to understand this double standard.  

If you are in a verbally or emotionally abusive relationship with a woman that you strongly suspect has borderline personality disorder please consider getting out of that relationship immediately and permanently.  I have done so and it was the smartest move I have ever made.  If the woman is being physically abusive with you then make a plan to leave her and as soon as you leave immediately file an emergency protective order (EPO) against her so that you can keep her away while you file for divorce and get your financial and other business in order. If you have children together with this woman it may require that you are temporarily separated from them but in the long run your relationship with your children will be vastly improved.  Things can get better for you.  Thank the Lord I found the way out.

[Mutt]

Hi icantbelieveher,



I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to this website it was smart of you to deduce that it could be BPD. You list your first wife and then you were facing disproportionate anger from your new spouse every other day and it escalated to violence ( from her ) I want to ask you if you are living together? Are you seperated? Are you safe?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi icantbelieveher,

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you to the site.  I'm glad you found us.  So sorry to hear about your first wife.  That must have been a terribly tragic time for your family.  How old are the boys now and are they all living with you? 

I'll echo Mutt's question about your safety.  Did you take out the EPO you advise and does your wife know your whereabouts? 

You mention about the difficulties faced as a man experiencing domestic abuse from his wife.  Were you able to gain local support from a domestic abuse service?  If you haven't already spoken to a domestic abuse advocate, I can highly recommend doing so as there is often a wide range of support available which could be helpful for yourself and your sons, including counselling, support groups and legal advice.  4 years of rages followed by violence is a lot to recover from so as much support as you can get is advisable.  Other members here will relate to your experience, so keep posting here too.  It's great that you reached out to this community. 

What's your current situation regards living arrangements, finances, etc?  Are you set up comfortably and do you have the support of friends and family?

Love and light x 

[Husband321]

Good points.

You won't be able to get sympathy from family and new romantic prospects by saying you are a "beaten man"

You definitely cannot hit them back or in many cases protect yourself.

It's not a good idea to call the police in most cases... .

And I agree.  Once a woman feels she can hit you, it's over.

Not sure what any support group or domestic abuse group can do for you in any practical manner.

Just need to leave that situation and move on.

[icantbelieveher]

Hello.  Thank you for the warm welcome from everyone. I would like to respond to the questions that were raised by Mutt and Harley Quinn.

 I left my wife approximately 5 months ago and I filed an emergency protective order (EPO) the day I left.  I am currently living about 50 miles from her.  I am safe and thank you very much for asking and showing concern.    My four sons are age 23, 21, 17 and 13.  The last few years have been very rough on them.  They are all living with me and we are doing okay financially.  I have to admit that the Emergency protective order worked beautifully.  I never thought it would keep her away and at some point I thought I would have to involve the police again but thankfully she got the message and has honored the protective order to this point.   I was fortunate to find a counselor who has 25 years experience in domestic abuse including abuse of both men and women.  She has been very helpful in letting me know that I am not alone in this and she has been very encouraging and supportive in my decisions.  She said that I should be proud of the steps I have taken especially in trying to keep my sons away from this potentially dangerous person.   My family and friends have been very supportive.  After I left her I told them how I had been treated for the past 4 years and they were shocked.  They had no idea how bad it had become.  They were all very happy that I left her.  The divorce has gone to the first settlement conference which was held 1 week ago.  This was the 1st time that I was in the same room or talked with her for 5 months.  It was very uncomfortable for me but I have managed to make it through it.

 This has been a truly awful 4 years for me.  I cannot describe the number of times I contemplated suicide during that time.  I simply did not see a way out.  I am hoping that by telling my story that it might inspire someone else who is in an abusive relationship with a BPD spouse to look very closely at all options and to very strongly consider a new life.  I am so thankful I found a way out of that nightmare.  My life is so much happier now that it was 6 months ago that is almost impossible to put it into words.  If I can make it out then you can to.

[pearlsw]

Hi icantbelieveher,

Thank you for sharing your story. I am contemplating leaving my relationship and wanted to learn more about how people leave BPD partners.

Did she make any effort to try and keep you with her? Did she use any guilt with you? Did she have any idea you would break with her?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[icantbelieveher]

Hi Pearl
  Thank you for your support and your post.   I hope I can answer some  of your questions. I had attempted to leave her two different times before this.  What she had done these previous times was to continuously call and harass myself and my sons and make me feel guilty about leaving her.  Her harassment would go on night and day and I could not get her to stop.  She would eventually wear me down through sleep deprivation and torment that I would eventually give in and go back to her just to get her to stop.  I then became aware of a phenomenon used by people with BPD called "charming".  These people are master's of manipulation and will use any and every trick they have to suck you back into the relationship. 

Since I had left her in the past I am sure she at least had a reasonable idea that at some point I would no longer be able to take her abuse.  Honestly deep down I think she was so arrogant that she never really thought it would happen that I would leave her because she thought she would always figure out a way to get me to come back.  It finely dawned on me that the only way that I would ever be able to leave her and make it permanent would be if I would be able to figure out a way to keep this harassment from occurring after I did leave.  The miracle came for me in all of this was the discovery of the emergency protective order  (EPO).  It was much easier to get than I thought it would be and once this was filed and she was served by the Sheriff then it was illegal for her to contact me or my sons.   I honestly never dreamed this would work.  I seriously thought that after an EPO was filed that she would simply ignore it and keep pushing me until I actually had to have her arrested.  However very surprisingly this did not occur.  She obeyed the EPO (I honestly think she was afraid of being arrested) which gave me the time and space I needed to go ahead and file for divorce and get my life (away from her) permanently in place without any of her interference.  I then demanded that any contact that she would have with me would only occur through my attorney.  I told my attorney that I never wanted to have any one on one contact with her during this process.  My attorney agreed that this was the proper course of action and put the legal proceedings in place to make this happen. 

If you are considering leaving your relationship I strongly encourage you to contact an attorney or your local law enforcement and explain your situation. I am sure without an EPO in place that my soon to be ex-wife would have found a way to wear me down to the point that I would have returned to her.   Not because I had any desire to ever return to her but simply because I wanted the harassment to stop.  I now realize that she was going to harass me whether I was with her or not but I much prefer to be as far away from her as possible and the EPO stopped this completely.

The 5 months of no contact with her that the EPO bought me has been 5 of the best months of my life.  I am now looking forward to finializing this divorce and moving on from this nightmare.

I wish you and everyone in this situation peace and blessings.

[Harley Quinn]

I'm so pleased to hear that yourself and your sons are safe and that the EPO was effective for you.  That's really great news.  Also that you've had good support regards the DV from your counsellor, family, lawyer and the police.  So sorry that you felt so desperate to consider suicide at points.  It's wonderful to hear that you sound in a much better place now. 

Thank you for sharing your experience so far with us.  We are here for the crisis and beyond.  If there is anything that comes up for you, I'd encourage you to post here.  We understand. 

It can also be helpful to read and post in others' threads as we all support one another here and I'm sure your experience would be valuable to other newer members as they embark on their detaching and healing journey.  What have you done regards your own self care and future planning in the 5 months peace you've had?  Anything that has worked particularly well for you in dealing with the emotional aspect of all of this?

Love and light x   

[icantbelieveher]

Hi Harley Quinn
Thank you for your encouragement.    The last 5 months I have been working with my attorney to get all the documentation in place to facilitate the divorce process.  Since I have insisted with my attorney that I have absolutely no contact with my soon to be ex-wife I have had to work very closely with that attorney to jump through all the hoops one has to go through.  The amount of financial documents that I have had to get together for this process has been quite large and has required several months to put together.  I recently went through a settlement conference with my attorney and her attorney as well as her.  That was an extremely difficult day.  Hopefully now the legal documents are in place to facilitate the final divorce hearing and I hope and pray I have this all finished and my divorce finalized before the end of the year.

I have also tried to spend sometime for myself during these last 5 months to try to get in touch with the person that I was before I met her.  I took a week-long cruise last month by myself and I found this enormously helpful in clearing my head and reestablishing my perspective. 

I have also tried during these last 5 months to rebuild my relationship with my four sons which was extremely damaged by my relationship with this woman.  She tried very much to isolate me from them and at the same time she was very nasty in her dealings with them.  They never deserved any of the treatment that she gave them.  I have since apologized to each of them and have tried to restart my relationship with each of my sons.   I think we are all finely now starting to come out of it and I feel that my relationship with my sons has never been closer.

For children who have never known a person with borderline personality disorder and then to all the sudden have this person as a stepmother was an extreme shock and the entire experience was very painful for them.  I hope that they have learned from this experience that relationships between two spouses has got to start with a firm foundation of mutual respect as well as love and kindness.  I honestly feel that my children now understand if they are being mistreated in a romantic relationship then that behavior is absolutely unacceptable.  I also hope that they understand that they do not have to put up with that type of treatment and if they are ever involved in an abusive relationship they need to end it.

To those who are going through this type of hellish nightmare take heart.  Better days are ahead of you if educate yourself, thoroughly plan and when the time is right... .Leave and never look back.  It was the smartest thing I have ever done.