My ex asking to put final separation on hold

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I guess what is so very difficult, is grasping the idea that this person we love has a disorder directed AT DESTROYING us, the r/s, you name it.

No other disorder comes at another person.   

I can see why friends, family, dont understand.

My very good friend, advised me, "he is too damaged".   you dont want to be in a r/s w him

She thought she was doing me a favor by looking up his medical records, he went to her hospital, where she was a nurse.   This is before HIPAA, and electronic records.   She could be fired for that now.

each of us here, has to make our own way.

[juju2]

I guess what is so very difficult, is grasping the idea that this person we love has a disorder directed AT DESTROYING us, the r/s, you name it.

No other disorder comes at another person.   

I can see why friends, family, dont understand.

My very good friend, advised me, "he is too damaged".   you dont want to be in a r/s w him

She thought she was doing me a favor by looking up his medical records, he went to her hospital, where she was a nurse.   This is before HIPAA, and electronic records.   She could be fired for that now.

each of us here, has to make our own way.

[formflier]

Lots for Juju2 to process.

The disorder might "seem" to come after relationships. 

Really it alters the way one person behaves in the r/s.  Then... .the other person usually alters how they work in the r/s to compensate... .which "enables" a pwBPD to "get worse"... .and the "non" then compensates more... which enables more bad behavior.

What we are asking you to do is stop altering your decisions "for him" "because of the disorder".

Let him manage that.  You set your standards... really high.

There is little chance he is evaluating you.  There is a high chance he wants two more month of free storage... not having to "deal with" his stuff.

FF

[juju2]

o.k.

either way, none of us knows.  I dont.

[BeagleGirl]

Juju,
I went back and read your original post on this topic and realized that you asked for support on your decision to grant your ex this 2 months and my questions and comments have been coming from the direction of encouraging you to reconsider that decision.  

My sincere apologies.

How can I support you?  It sounds like you have a peace about not knowing the outcome and your main task at the moment is waiting for things to unfold. Is there something specific that would be helpful during this time?

You asked for stories of relationships that have turned around after periods of being apart. Unfortunately my personal experience does not include that type of reconciliation, nor do I have any direct knowledge of another relationship that did to draw from. Perhaps some of the others reading this topic will chime in with some examples and what they feel made them successful.

BG

[juju2]

Thank you BG.

Guess because our r/s became toxic we brought out the worst in one another.

Now i am living a different life, one he has seen, he even said i was a different person.

Time will tell.!

[juju2]

Bg,

I have two people in my life, i saw two married couples go thru separation, and getting back together stronger.  One was the woman, the other one was the man.  It looked like mid life crisis.

Those couples came to their senses, one couple took 2 years, one took more than three years... .

Seeing those couples get thru horrible times, and there was no BPD involved, as far as i know... .

[juju2]

Bg .
I guess support would be around the guilt i have, about being severly codependent.

It looks like there is two more months of of whatever this is.  He asked for two months, not really saying what would happen then, or why.

All i know, is that will be one year that we stopped dating.  That timeframe eas so crazy, we had just bought an expensive new vehicle together, i thought we were getting closer.   Anyway, the story is all here.  Guess the thing that i most dont know, is my actions.  I hope i am stronger now, somehow.
I have learned i cant control it, i cant cute it, and i didnt cause it.

This doesnt mean i dont miss him.  I miss him every day.

j

[formflier]

  He asked for two months, not really saying what would happen then, or why.

 

I wonder why he didn't bring this up?

I wonder why you didn't bring it up?

FF

[juju2]

Hi Ff,

wanting support around my choice to give more time.!

Also, i did ask him to remove my name off the vehicle he drives.  He said he would look into it. 
Also, i did say that am thinking over my options on my vehicle, and may very well end up turning it in. Its too expensive.

So ff will be happy.!

[juju2]

Also, ff,
its only 45 days now.

It looks like all the entanglements will be starting to be untangled... .

i know it would be ideal to ask more questions.
Of course i want answers, and i want them now.

From what i read on r/s, its not a position of strength to ask the questions i want to ask.  It pushes them farther away.

Again, am looking for support.  If anyone here has e,s,h, around being separated from your pwBPD, and year went by, and if you were able to get back together.
My friend who went thru two yr separation, she became very agreeable to her husb, she changed in that she started allowing him to lead.

[formflier]

From what i read on r/s, its not a position of strength to ask the questions i want to ask.  It pushes them farther away.

Again, am looking for support.  

Hey... let me start with the support issue.  You obviously know that I'm in your corner and want the best for you.

What can I do to support you?  What does that look like (read like)?

During the next 45 days do you want to "stop reflecting" on things or your part in the relationship? 


Help me understand only asking questions from a position of strength?  If a question chases them away... .doesn't that "tell you something" about the relationship (or the way they perceive it).

What question do you think would have chased him away?

FF

[juju2]

Hi f,

When someone leaves you, (essentially what happened--i begged and pleaded three times,  made grand gestures --7 trips to the beach--etc, its all here on this site)
The only thing you can really do is work on yourself, see if they come back.  You have to Move On.  i only share my worries here.and w my sponsor.

I wanted to ask, are you coming back?

It has to be their decision.

Everything on r/s says this.

Anything other than me bettering myself, not reaching out, not appearing desperate, all other chasing questions, behaviours, are pressure to the leaving(left) person... .

So i am actually bettering myself, and now, bettering my environment.  If the tables were turned, and i got the emails i sent him, i would believe 100% he moved on.  Only him providing the information he gave via phone call, (after i emailed, dont bother calling, we have nothing to talk about.!)  only that info, he gave, and i didnt ask questions, again, that is a show of strength.

I am in the position of being able to grant extra time or not. 

Frankly, i feel like my dignity and self esteem are being renewed.

Thank you for your support,
j

[formflier]

When someone leaves you, (essentially what happened--i begged and pleaded three times,  made grand gestures --7 trips to the beach--etc, its all here on this site)
 

juju2

I hope you remember some of the lessons about BPDish relationship things, especially push/pull.

From those lessons... .I think that if you had said no and moved things along with the stuff leaving your property and cars getting disentangled... .that there would have been a much higher chance of him attempting to come back

Said another way, I think that granting him a two month extension makes it less likely that he will come back

I'm not exactly sure what your goals is (get him back or not), therefore being on the conflicted board is a great place for you to be.

My goal in providing you the support I am attempting to provide is to give you clear information on how it is likely that he is interpreting the signals you are giving him

The most confusing part of this for most people is that most of it is counterintuitive

How do you interpret what I have said in this post?  How does that make you feel?

FF

[juju2]

Ff,

I got it like, it will be one year.
He gave me a lot of info, coming from NO INFO,
about his personal life.
In recovery, one year is a key milestone to make.
Also, right before he cut me off in october, he told me this was the second time in our r/s that he interfered with me.(ie my recovery)  in the past, if i was doing good for a while, i would backslide in like six months.  I was gambling all during the time we lived together, and also severe co dep.  Have 15 months sober on the gambling.  Will have one yr sober on co d Oct 1,2018.  He told me last year on my b-day, that he wanted us to have the best chance possible.  Then in october, before he cut me out of his life, he said, THIS (living apart)(and him also seeing others, i found out later) MAY BE THE BEST THING that ever happened to us... .

so what he meant by interferring twice: we had separated for two months back in 2013  got back together, and i hadnt changed at all.

really, given my addiction, my severe co dep illness, i was sicker than him... .not that its a contest.  The sicker i got, the worse our interactions were, the worse our r/s became.
People on here dont know him.  I have never known him to lie.  Another thing, i have always known him to do the kind thing. 

His last email to me, he said how i have changed, good changes he saw, that the real woman i was is coming out, that i am a good woman.

idk FF.  I have two weeks on the vehicles.  And i may give myself more time!

Am just taking all that i receive, giving to my Higher Power, and listening for that still quiet voice, what He wants me to do.  I want what He wants for my life.

[juju2]

Ff,

Please say more about your gut on this, after hearing more.

I can definitely still be my word, my commitment is to let him know as soon as i know something has changed, regarding our mutual life.  His possessions at our house, i can change my mind on that.?

I can just let him know its not in my best interest to keep his treasured belongings.

[juju2]

So his last conversation w me, july 30, he said, could i wait two months.  He said i" didnt start asking him to move his stuff until may, when he told me he was in another r/s".  He said, "that r/s is likely over".  he said"i dont have the money now" ( that wasnt an issue, idk what he meant)
"Would you wait two months to decide on the move?"


in rethinking this, it sounds like he is finding a way to get back together.?

i could wait and see if he changes towards me, if he shows interest in me... .

I want to see if there is something here for us.

[formflier]

i could wait and see if he changes towards me, if he shows interest in me... ..

I want to see if there is something here for us.

When you are "accepting" of him... ."allowing" him closer, the odd result is often "pushing him away".

When you are showing him that "he can't have you"... .the odd result is usually that he will gain interest in what he can't have.

My vibe, the vibe others have seen (heard from you) is that there has been a lot of "obvious waiting" on your part... .where you wait for him to "get done with other women" (very broad description... I realize you likely haven't said that exactly.)

I'm getting the vibe from you... that if he expressed interest in getting back together... .you would likely say yes.

I think he gets that vibe... .which leads him to believe he can "put you on the shelf" for a couple more months, in order to sort out the OW relationship.

I see priorities in those choices.  Do you see priorities in those choices?

 

He's known about this for a couple months.  Yet he hasn't budgeted or saved.  Hmmmm

FF

[juju2]

I get it.

And i guess i could just let him know, it isnt working for me, will be moving everything during labor day weekend... .

That gives me a little while also to get ready.
Just packing our closet, just his shoes so far,
was draining.

He gave a big pull, calling me, giving me the information.  I think i was in between him and zero.

what is your take on that.

You are right, it isnt intuitive.

[formflier]

He gave a big pull, calling me, giving me the information.  I think i was in between him and zero.
 

First of all... good job... .you are doing great remembering the lessons.

Perhaps it was a pull.  Perhaps not.

Going with the lesson I would have suggested "a couple weeks" instead of "a couple months".  If you really wanted to stick with that lesson you could have "cut it in half" and said a month.

That assumes it was a pull.  What if it was him avoiding life... .kicking a can down the road?

FF

[juju2]

True.

Half the time is labor day.

In a week i decide if am turning "his"
truck we bought in to the lender... .

could go to the lender this week, see what my options are... .

[formflier]

Juju2

I can understand that it feels like I'm pushing you to change a decision or make a specific decision, perhaps even make it "right now".

My "real" goal is to change that way you "do" the relationship with him... your part.  Because YOU control what you do and you are here trying to understand "this BPD thing" better.

Just like I don't want you to make a "snap decision" right now I would have also wanted you not to make a snap decision when he asked for two months.

This would apply for pretty much anything he asks of you.

Make sure you understand the request (reflect it back to him and gain his agreement that you understand it correctly) and then let him know you will give it some thought and get back to him in a few days.

That lets you take time to see how your decision "fits" in your strategy for you and your relationships.

Thoughts?

FF

[juju2]

I get it.
What about if i say, "actually i need some time to reflect if two months is going to work... ."  "will get back to you in a week... ."


That could be the same time that the vehicles are going to be figured out.

the stuff was to be moved this Saturday.
After just moving his shoes out of the closet, am actually glad to have extra time... .

The earliest i can move stuff w help, free moving truck, will be labor day w/e.