I'm engaged to a guy who is clearly borderline and traits of narcissist.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm engaged to a guy who is clearly BPD and has no empathy trait when tiggered. I've been walking on eggshells for years. Hoping for a miracle. He's in therapy. Did a 6 month dbt course about a year ago.  Sometimes he's normal for a Month straight... but then suddenly starts crazy making.  I'm on the verge of leaving. Just painful to accept the vision I had with us is not going to happen. And afraid to be alone again bc I have alot of anxiety .and no parents alive. And in my 30s. I really just need support.

[Frustratedbeyond]

I'm engaged to a guy who is clearly BPD and has no empathy trait when tiggered. I've been walking on eggshells for years. Hoping for a miracle. He's in therapy. Did a 6 month dbt course about a year ago.  Sometimes he's normal for a Month straight... but then suddenly starts crazy making.  I'm on the verge of leaving. Just painful to accept the vision I had with us is not going to happen. And afraid to be alone again bc I have alot of anxiety .and no parents alive. And in my 30s. I really just need support.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

  Frustrated,
I'm sorry you've ended up here, but welcome. We understand how hard it is to be in a relationship with a partner who has BPD.   

He doesn't seem to understand your needs for support and understanding and you've been taking care of his for years. Now you're wondering if it's possible that you could have a fulfilling relationship with him. And you're feeling anxious and you have no family to give you support.   

It's good that you're cautious about going further with this relationship. It is possible for improvement, but it takes quite a bit of work on your part. Learning the tools that are available here can make a big difference, but you still will have a partner with BPD.

Can you tell us some of the issues you're dealing with?

Cat

[Frustratedbeyond]

He can't ever take responsibility for anything. He says this is me marry me or not. Take it or leave it.

Has not consistently showed Respect when triggered. Things are normal and out of nowhere he starts making issues.

He came back from therapy the other night and I was in the bathroom taking a bath with door locked. He opens lock and then I had clothes on toilet he throws them down and goes to pee. When I said y did u open lock if it's closed... he responds we are living together... we don't lock doors or if u don't like it leave.

And after I got out of bath I asked did u throw my clothes on floor. He justified it by saying u leave ur clothes around always... exaggerating. And then I said .u broke open lock... it's not ok to throw my clothes on floor and break lock says ok I hear u " u feel upset "patronizing me. And deflecting... u locked door need space... "u don't give me space... again lying... and just totally disregarded my feelings. I said it's not ok. And then u wonder why I don't want to set a date to get married. The jokes on u... and walked away... since then he's been distant... cold... and I rejected him sexually bc I'm not going to engage sexually with him when he's being disrespectful so at this point he's sexually frustrated... and when he tried to come close I tried explaining my feelings again and at first
he apologizedd bc he felt horny then when I said u do abcd... .and it's very hurtful started escalating m.walked out... came back as if he is right and this morning I wanted to sleep in strarted waking me up like a child . poking my Belly and wouldn't stop when I asked nicely .

.kept throwing in my face words I said to him recently" u have to respect me even when ur stressed don't feel like it. "I literally was with a 2 yr old in that moment .

I felt so annoyed and kinda told him off ... after he wouldn't stop... ur acting like a kid ... .hes been hostile and distance all day since... went to do laundry . Didn't tell me so I can wash my clothes too. Some days he's so loving and nice and some days I'm like his enemy .  

At this moment now I know the cycle , I know if I act all nice and validate and pretend all's cool he will go back to normal. But I really don't feel like it!. It' makes me feel like I'm being abused and beIN nice to my bully" abuser. I tell myself he's mentally ill. But I'm human it's very painful.!And honestly I can't marry and have  a family with such a disfuncional home !

[pearlsw]

Hi Frustratedbeyond,

This scene in the bathroom sounded very upsetting. It is hard when someone ignores boundaries and does not treat us respectfully. I have never had a relationship where I had to have such boundaries, to have to work to train someone not to disrespect my body. It's tough!

I understand the urge to want to tell someone off who goes so far across the line, but it is an important practice to not do this. It might release some steam in the moment, but it won't make things better, and can make things worse. This is how arguments escalate and contempt builds.

It is really important to regulate your own emotions - keep yourself in check. Walk away, take some time to compose yourself, but slowing down is key.

This is an important question many of us ask: at what point is the illness, in effect, a form of abuse towards us, and if so, what then?

How do you feel about marrying him? What are your current thoughts on this?

take care, pearl.