New to the this group

[waytruthlife]

Hi, my husband has not been officially diagnosed with BPD, but I am almost certain that is the issue we are facing. I have been seeking freedom from codependency and finding healing for 4 years now. This process has brought me face to face with the issues in my marriage. A year ago my husband and I were in such a bad place, we had started counseling but it wasn't helping. I began considering separation, not as a trial run for divorce, but as a means to save our marriage. We were self-destructing. Our family was falling apart.
This very possibility sent my husband into the biggest tailspin I had ever seen, which included accusing me of an affair and searching through my emails, fb and journals for proof. It was 5 months into counseling that I even found out he's been reading through my personal stuff. We had an "in-home" separation, sleeping in separate rooms and spending only specified time together to try and work through thing, continuing both individual and couple therapy. I found this time very helpful, liberating, strengthening. I could breath again. After 3 weeks we were in a better place, or so I thought, and "normal" life resumed. Things were much better for a while. My husband had started taking an antidepressant, which was really helping family life. We seemed to be incorporating new ways of communicating and solving problems together as a team. Then he decided he didn't like the way the meds made him feel and he came off of them. Over the next 6 weeks things gradually deteriorated, and I found myself lost under the weight of everything, once again having succumbed to old patterns, having retreated and wanting to run away. In one of our arguments he accused me caring more about pursuing my dream to have a career than my family. This felt like such a low blow, especially after all that I though we had worked through. I felt like we had journeyed through life-threatening terrain for a year, conquered many obstacles and had made all this progress, only to look up and see the same place we started. It took my breath away. I sunk into deep depression for a few days, struggling to care for my kids, not eating. I lost hope. I felt stuck. When the thought of death came to me I realized I had let myself get into a total victim place. I realized I was falling apart. I realized I may not be able to do this anymore, at least not the way I have been (on my own). I don't know what the future holds, but I know that I can't keep trying to handle all this alone. That is why I am reaching out. I need to know I'm not alone. I'm not crazy. I can find a way to navigate life without despairing. There are others who have gone before me. And I need to learn. I thought I was getting stronger and recovering from codependency, but I keep losing myself. I keep getting swallowed up by my husbands intense and rapidly changing emotions. I keep taking the blame. I keep trying to do better. I keep caring more about his feelings than my own. I keep going numb. One thing is for certain, this is no way to live. The thought of separation or divorce is terrifying to me, especially for the sake of our 4 kids. It would be devastating. At the same time, it does my kids no good to lose their Mom to depression. I want healing. I want to find a way to make our marriage work. I want to grow old with this man (husband of almost 20 years). I don't know if I can.
Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this and care!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi waytruthlife and welcome!

I am sorry for all you have been through, especially with how much of it echoes my own story and the stories of many members here. You have taken a huge first step in coming here. You are NOT ALONE. Your journey to a better life begins here with the support of the bpdfamily community. Before too long, I hope you can also find the help of those near you, such as family, friends, or counselors.

In the meantime, I also highly suggest you post on other members threads to gain context on your own situation.

It would help to start by hearing more about the situation. What kind of disordered behaviors does your husband display? How old are you children?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[Tattered Heart]

HI waytruthlife,

Welcome! Wow. Your story sounds almost exactly like mine. I'm sorry that you've been going through such difficult times.

I'd like to second Roland of Eld in wondering what kinds of behaviors your seeing from your H.

It sounds like you've decided that you no longer want to be a victim of your H's behavior and start living a life that is not tossed about by every wind and wave. For me, the first steps were 1) getting counseling for myself 2) finding my voice in the midst of my fear.

Have you ever gone to counseling to work through your own co-dependency issues?