Lying to the BP: I hate lying, but hate criticism too. Any thoughts?

[sterlingblue]

This morning on the way to work, I carelessly drove too fast over a curb and damaged my front bumper; it's seriously scratched and popped out a little.  This sucks, but the biggest stress I'm feeling is about whether to tell my uBPD wife what happened.

I don't want to lie, and I've always considered myself an honest person.  However, things have been going surprisingly well between us over the last month and I don't want to ruin it.  I imagine that if I tell her, she will dysregulate, and I will hear the following complaints:

* You are careless and have poor judgment.
* Something is seriously wrong with you.
* You don't make enough money to be making these stupid mistakes.
* We have to get it fixed for the safety of the children.
* This career that you chose isn't financially sustainable and not what I signed up for.
* This isn't working, and we should get a divorce.

I must admit, there is some truth to all of the above, which makes the comments difficult to brush off.  To avoid all of this, I could hope she doesn't notice or if she does, say I don't know what happened.  I hate lying, but I also hate the above criticisms.  Any thoughts?

Thanks for reading,
sterlingblue

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[pearlsw]

Hi sterlingblue,

This is the slippery slope, right? It is hard, I get it. I (previously) never had a relationship where I ever faced the dilemma you are facing right now. I tell ya. If I had to do it all over again, I'd never tell a lie to my partner. It is no way to live. To hide the truth out of fear of consequences. But it is up to you!

But I say, you made a mistake. You can take care of it. She can try to make it the end of the world. You can walk away and not listen once it goes off the rails.

You might have a chance to deliver the news a bit more softly. I often make jokes in such situations, but that works for me because I am pretty quick and my SO does not rage as often as many here do.

Is there anything you could possibly say or do that would win her over to your side of things? "Hi honey, I made a mistake, but I'm on it!" She may say all this stuff, but you could hear the deeper messages and reply like this: "I hear that you feel worried. I hear that you feel bad. I agree (if you do) that we should fix it asap. If you want a divorce that is your choice."

Just my two cents!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Tattered Heart]

Uh oh on the car issue. Like pearl I would probably try to make some humor out of it, but if I knew that my H was being a little more tense than usual this would be great place to use SET . This is one of my favorite tools as I began to use it more, I got more comfortable when talking to my H about hard to tackle situations.

THe main thing with SET is that you address the emotions of your pwBPD by a supportive/validating statement first and foremost. if you can address their rejection (in however it could manifest) first, then they are more open to hearing what you have to say.

Not sure of the specifics about your situation, but the conversation could sound something like this:

"I know you often tell me not to drive so fast. I should have taken heed. This morning checked a curb and it damaged the bumper a little."

Using the formula for SET, and by personalizing the example I gave, could you write out a practice statement to tell your pwBPD about the situation?

[sterlingblue]

pearl and TH: Thank you so much for your replies!  You gave me the strength to do the right thing and tell my wife the truth when I got home today.

I incorporated your suggestions into *how* I told her, and she didn't get upset! She doesn't even think we need to fix the car (which I think too but didn't think she would agree).  A crappy morning turned into a good night!

Thanks again and take good care,
sterlingblue

[Tattered Heart]

Yay! Can you share with us specifically how the conversation went? I like to dissect the positive interactions so I can learn from those too.

[sterlingblue]

Sure!  I waited until after dinner because she worked hard to make dinner and I didn't want to ruin it.  Then I said, "Today on the way to work, I hit a curb and damaged the front bumper.  I am sorry, it was my fault, I will fix it if you want me to, and I will be more careful in the future."

I think it helped to own my mistake immediately (no JADEing) and to let her know her feelings would be considered -- as suggested by TH and pearl.

Also she has been in a MUCH better mood lately; not sure why.  I don't know how much of that can be attributed to me starting to use the tools, but I think it has at least a little to do with it.

[pearlsw]

I don't know how much of that can be attributed to me starting to use the tools, but I think it has at least a little to do with it.

Hi sterlingblue,

Wow! What great news!   (I think that is what this silly emoji is for, hope you don't mind!)

I am so glad to hear that being honest, direct, and thoughtful had a nice outcome!

What other tools or concepts have you been practicing with may I ask?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[sterlingblue]

pearl - Love that emoji!   

Regarding what tools and concepts I've been using, I've kept it pretty simple: validate and don't JADE. 

I am trying to validate her feelings, although I find it difficult to do authentically and really don't want to patronize her.  I've found the JADE acronym quite helpful because my natural instinct is to get defensive and minimize problems that she raises.

I've also been reading Bon Dobbs's book and found it helpful for my situation.

Again, I don't want to take too much credit for this good spell, and it could end at any time.  Just going to enjoy it while it lasts because there have been a lot of rough times this year!

Thanks and take care,
sterlingblue

[pearlsw]

pearl - Love that emoji!   

Regarding what tools and concepts I've been using, I've kept it pretty simple: validate and don't JADE. 

I am trying to validate her feelings, although I find it difficult to do authentically and really don't want to patronize her.  I've found the JADE acronym quite helpful because my natural instinct is to get defensive and minimize problems that she raises.

I've also been reading Bon Dobbs's book and found it helpful for my situation.

Again, I don't want to take too much credit for this good spell, and it could end at any time.  Just going to enjoy it while it lasts because there have been a lot of rough times this year!

Thanks and take care,
sterlingblue

Hi sterlingblue,

Thanks for sharing! I really hope you stick around and engage more because we can use all the help and good news we can get around here!

I hear ya! Things are calm now and going eerily well, but I feel like that could change any moment and I can't fully relax lately because of it! But try I must!

Are there other things you do to boost the relationship in the good times? I've found that extra gratitude and praise help a lot.

warmly, pearl.

[Tattered Heart]

Regarding what tools and concepts I've been using, I've kept it pretty simple: validate and don't JADE. 

I am trying to validate her feelings, although I find it difficult to do authentically and really don't want to patronize her.  I've found the JADE acronym quite helpful because my natural instinct is to get defensive and minimize problems that she raises.

Again, I don't want to take too much credit for this good spell, and it could end at any time.  Just going to enjoy it while it lasts because there have been a lot of rough times this year!

I saw an immediate change in behavior with my H after I began to use the tools. The tools work, but like you said, that can change rapidly. Most of the time they work; sometimes they don't. The key is not so much that they work, but more that they change you and how you interact with your W. It changes your interactions and allows you to begin finding your voice again. As you get more fluent in using this new language, it will begin to become easier and easier.

We have the saying: You can't make things better until you stop making them worse. Using the tools is your part in not making it worse.

[Chosen]

I echo some of the responses which says "lying is no way to live".  If you have to lie to your spouse, that means you're constantly walking on eggshells.  I have been there before, and this isn't healthy for either of you.  And also, imagine when she discovered that you have lied!  She will dysregulate even more.  This has also happened to me (I didn't actually "lie"- more like "covered part of the truth because it's going to set him off"), and it blew up in my face- to the point that he still considers I have betrayed him to this day.

Is it possible to get the car fixed before you tell her?  Then you can admit to her that you made a stupid mistake, but it's in the process of being fixed.  Do you think she will react better to it in this way?