I feel I've come to a decision but I'm stuck in the fog.
Hi Nixie_3,
Reading your post here reminded me too much of my ex dBPDw. A lot of the traits were very similar im the blaming, the apologizing, the inability for me to have any fears or negative feelings, etc.
Here is what I would say to you, which I had previously used to try to use with my ex when she would come at me with her problems [empathy].
Girl, I feel you. There comes a point where you have to take a serious look at yourself, size up the situation and assesses where you are in life, how you got there, and where ultimately you want to go (which is a little bit of where do you see yourself going at current). Everyone sees that exercise differently, and comes to their own conclusions.
For me, I grew too resentful of my ex. No, love isn't verbally belittling or devaluing you. It isn't waffling back and forth, keeping you on a string and pulling you every which way. And in my experience, it certainly isn't making childish demands like "send me a photo of the hospital" (my ex would make similar demands, and even when provided with "proof" I somehow still was in the wrong).
What helped me finally realize I had come to the decision and needed to act on it, was Gordon Ramsey. Weird as it sounds, I really got into watching Hell's Kitchen and other shows of his - and I started to feel like a customer not getting the service or experience they had paid for. Gordon worked to show these chefs who has lost their passion that serving up bland or bad food under the pretext of them knowing best, or not listening to customer feedback make me realize - In this marriage, I also am a consumer. I have certain rights, and in a way I am paying; I deserve to be able to say "this is not how I ordered it" and send it back, without having the chef storm out and tell me how wrong I and my taste buds are.
When I started to actually stand up for myself in that vein, I found the inner strength that she had stolen from me over time. My resentment was too much to overcome. I didn't like who I had become, and I didn't like where I was going. I decide that if I stayed, it may get marginally better but with a lot of effort on my part. I chose not to make that investment.
I'm not telling you what to do - I would just urge you to take a few hours, clear your head, step back from yourself and your life now, and make an assessment of where you came from, are at, and where you are going / want to go.
Don't debate with yourself; let your gut instinct and natural reactions talk to you. In the end, the choice you should make should become evident. Coming to terms with that choice, that one is a little harder.
Wishing you all of the best -
