Repair a very broken relationship

[Caligirl99]

A friend of mine suggested my brothers wife (sister in law) may have BPD based on the two sentence conflict explanation (he’s working on his PhD in Psycology).  After some googling it makes total sense, and we have done as much as we can to repair the conflict but there is constantly something else we have done wrong.  After many conversations and clarifications with my sister in law, she feels abused by us, and does not trust us to be around her or her children.  We have now taken a period of silence with their family as we really have no idea where to go from here and it seems every time we have contact it just gets worse.  It seems as if she doesn’t hear what we are saying and is putting words in our mouths we never said.  An apologetic email was written and ended up taken very offensively, even though it was the opposite.  My sweet brother has defended every word his wife has said, but I think it may be to save his relationship with her, as many of the statements and accusations either never happened or were taken way out of context.  At this point we are at a loss of what to do, and how to repair things so we can have some sort of relationship with this sweet family, because it is very important to us!

[Notwendy]

Hi Caligirl- this is a tough situation. I think it would help to read about the Karpman triangle. From my own personal experience with my BPD mother, she remains in "victim" mode. My ( deceased) father was a strong rescuer. These roles seemed to bond them.

To be in victim mode, one has to have a persecutor, and someone, or more than one person, was placed in this role. This isn't necessarily conscious or deliberate. It's a perception. I can relate to the frustration of having my motives misinterpreted no matter how hard I tried. Understanding the Karpman ( drama ) triangle helped me to gain perspective and not take these actions as personally.


Unfortunately, it is difficult- to impossible- to change how someone else thinks. Also, with BPD it affects the most intimate/close relationships most. Looking at this board, it seems that a female BPD spouse feels threatened by close female relatives- sisters, mothers ,adult daughters. I think that in general, a pwBPD fears "discovery" and if someone seems to be "on" to their disorder or their odd behavior, they are uncomfortable with that.

I agree that your brother is probably trying  to save his relationship. I think this requires a certain level of suspension of one's own perception. It would be difficult to coexist. I don't think my father disliked his family but my mother did, and that made it difficult for him to be in close contact with him. Black and white thinking plays a part in this. My mother sees people as being "on her side" or "not on her side" and if someone is not on her side, she will paint them black.

I'm sure this feels like a no win situation, and I don't think we can "fix" someone's thinking. It is very hard to repair a relationship when your efforts are misinterpreted.  I also think it helps to not be reactive to the pwBPD's moods- that is - don't retaliate with your own hurt feelings,  but stay calm and centered. Who initiated the silent period? If it is her, then go along with it, but don't cut them off if they don't want to be. I have found that neutral is a good place to be if there is any communication. Be cordial, friendly, but not emotional. Drop the apologies- I think once you have tried, to keep trying probably adds fuel to her drama. You may be wanting a closer relationship than they are capable of. Keep the door open, let your brother know you love all of them, and then, let whatever happened go. We don't know the future, but there is a push/pull with BPD and so pushing may not be helpful.

[Harri]

Hi Caligirl and welcome.  Notwendy gave you some great information to start with.  Your situation is, unfortunately, not uncommon.  We have several people with in-laws suspected to have BPD or at least BPD traits posting on the board so you are in good company.  We are a very supportive group of people who understand how difficult these sorts of relationships can be.  Plus we know the pain they can cause.

We have several communication tools that can be used to improve communication.  I don't mean that you are doing anything wrong, but things can be taken out of context, misinterpreted and twisted around given the way the disorder works.  One of the biggest problems is that in pwBPD (people with BPD) feelings = facts.  Their feelings become their reality.  Communication tools can help with that.  First though, I am going to give you a link to the article on the Karpman Drama Triangle that Notwendy talked about.

Read through it and see what you think.  If you have questions ask and we can help.  I hope you feel free to settle in and jump in and post on threads here.  We get it here.

[Panda39]

Hi Caligirl,

I'd like to join Harri and Notwendy and welcome you to the BPD Family 

It sounds like you're new to BPD, so I wanted to pop in a suggest a couple good books on the topic... .

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change
Book by Valerie Porr

and

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason & Randi Kreger

When I first discovered BPD I hit my local library and read everything they had on the subject and I have never regretted that research, it really gave me a good grounding in what BPD is.

You've been given some great information on the Karpman Triangle, it really helps to understand our role in a relationship with someone with BPD.

I'd also like to point out the box to the right ---> each item listed is a link to more information.  You might want to check out "Understanding BPD Behaviors" and "Managing Your Relationships" under the "Lessons" section.

Again Welcome,
Panda39

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi Caligirl99, I am joining the others

I look forward to learning more about you and how we may help you navigate these troubled waters of BPD behaviors.  There’s tons of grat information on this site and we are a very supportive group. 

L2T

[Caligirl99]

Wow!  Notwendy, Harri, Panda39, and learning2thrive, this is amazing.  My husband and I discovered BPD just a few weeks ago, and now we can put a name with what is happenening.  Our anger has turned to compassion, and I am so grateful for this resource and community as we navigate these sometime treacherous waters! 

WendyGirl, thank you for the suggestion that my brother is the rescuer.  After reading the article on the triangle, it makes so much sense!  I was never able to put a name or explain it, but looking back on their 10 year marriage I can see many times where he has come to her rescue just to keep their relationship afloat (and that’s only things I know about)...   I hope with this new knowledge and tools I can help better support him without getting in the way.  Thank you for sharing a bit of your story, its nice to see some familiar traits (although also hard at the same time to know so many have suffered).  I have been the one who distanced myself from my sister in law because we were at a loss of what to do.  I send an occasional text about every other week to her, just to let them know we care.  I’m not sure how she feels about it, but I hope some walls will break down at some point and we can have that open communication at some point (although I need to work on my skills so I can be ready!)

Panda39, I am working my way through Walking on Eggshells, and have soaked up every suggestion and found myself thinking of phrases and things to say and how to better communicate with my sister in law to avoid future conflict.  I know it will take time to get good at them though, but I am very happy with this new found knowledge.  I hope to also strengthen my relationships with people other than my sister in law with the many suggestions in the book. Thank you for your suggestions.  I will definately look into the other book and articles you mentioned.

Harri, thank you for mentioning communication.  That has been the biggest issue and is why we had to pull back from them for awhile.  I hope to become a much better communicator not only with the pwBPD but with everyone in my life!

Learning2Thrive, thank you for your warm welcome.  I truly feel like I can breath a sigh of relief knowing others have been in similar situations and can offer advice.  This community is a true treasure!

[Panda39]

I have been the one who distanced myself from my sister in law because we were at a loss of what to do.  I send an occasional text about every other week to her, just to let them know we care.  I’m not sure how she feels about it, but I hope some walls will break down at some point and we can have that open communication at some point (although I need to work on my skills so I can be ready!)

I think what you have done here intuitively is really good, stepping away from the conflict, creating a boundary that involves protecting the well-being of your family, while also keeping the door open to your SIL/brother with the text messages.

We have many tools here, and a lot of information on BPD behaviors, but for me the big 3 are... .

Understanding/recognizing FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail.  My guess is that your brother is deep in the FOG.  So besides being a rescuer, he may be dealing with subtle and not so subtle emotional blackmail.  People with BPD exhibit many of the same traits but each individual has their own particular blend.  My Significant Other's (SO's) undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) would often use fear with her husband... .he was a bad dad, that she would get total custody of their children, and made false allegations of abuse for example, with her children she would often use obligation and guilt... .she would swindle the girls out of birthday money, play the victim so they felt responsible for taking care of her, or use guilt so that the girls despite knowing something wasn't right or true would go along with one of their mom's schemes.

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

The Karpman Triangle which has already been shared.  Understanding the triangle helps to not only understand the dynamic of your brother and his wife but also what your own role in the triangle is.

Yes, one way to look at the triangle (probably your SIL's view and maybe your brother's) is SIL is the victim, you/others are the Persecutor, and your brother is the rescuer.

Another perspective (maybe yours) is SIL is the Persecutor, your brother is the victim, and you are the rescuer.

Or SIL is the Persecutor, you are the victim, and your brother is the rescuer.

Round and round everyone goes.  The key here is to try and stay off the triangle or move to the center.  If the issue is between your SIL & brother, let them sort it out.  If it's between you and your SIL then you work it out (she will most likely pull him on the triangle) etc.

The other big tool... .maybe the biggest is boundaries.  Boundaries are about protecting ourselves and our values.  You've used boundaries yourself already by creating some distance between you and your SIL/brother.  This is a good and healthy thing to be doing.  It's about taking care of you and your family, rather than being sucked into endless hurtful drama.

Boundaries can be big... .going No Contact (for some people with a particularly abusive person in their lives this might be the way they need to go), or can be something medium like what you are doing low contact, or the boundary can be smaller like stepping away and taking a walk if you're being yelled at.  Enforcement of boundaries is key, because people with BPD (pwBPD) are excellent boundary busters.

More on boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

I know that you are looking for better communication tools and we have those, but the reason I mention the items above is being familiar with those items can protect you from being hurt (boundaries/understanding FOG), getting sucked into things that aren't your fault or responsibility (boundaries/understanding FOG/staying off the Triangle), you can be aware of your role in things (Karpman Triangle).

The biggest lesson I've learned here... .I arrived here one angry Panda, toxic angry... .is that the only people we can truly control is ourselves.  You can't make your SIL or your brother do something they don't want to do just like I couldn't make my SO's uBPDxw do what I wanted her to do.  What we can change is ourselves, how we behave, what our actions are, and how we feel about things.  You for example have already experienced a shift in your feelings toward your SIL and that will change your approach towards her.  We can change ourselves and that can have ripple effects that change a perspective, or a dynamic but it is a more indirect type of thing. 

So it's about taking care of and protecting yourself and family, while changing what you have always done in terms of your approach to your brother and his wife.  That said they have choices and decisions too, they control what they decide to do.

Okay so the Panda has gone all Philosophical on you so I will share one more thing with you and that is Radical Acceptance.  Your SIL is who she is and she is going to to what she is going to do (that goes for your bother too).  It's about being able to accept that their choices (even if you don't agree with them, even if they are really bad, even if they are hurtful to you, even if they are hurtful to them).

More on Radical Acceptance... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

Okay, so as you can tell the Panda loves to share information, but I won't be quizzing you on this today     Take your time and take it in at your own pace.

Glad you've joined us 

Panda39

[livednlearned]

At this point we are at a loss of what to do, and how to repair things so we can have some sort of relationship with this sweet family, because it is very important to us!

Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning is also a good one to read.

Do you think your brother would be open to hearing his wife might have BPD? He is probably experiencing the lion's share of her troubles regulating emotion (and all that goes with it).

There are specific communication and relationship skills that are not intuitive and must be learned (and practiced).

Does your SIL seem to return to baseline after dysregulations? Sometimes you can ease your way back into the relationship without tripping the same trigger.