He got married while we were still dating

[JustHeal]

I just found of my boyfriend of 4 years got married without telling me. Everything had been normal and he had just said he was going to see his sick grandpa. Dude went and got married. He was still texting on his wedding and honeymoon, telling me how much he missed me and how perfect I was for him, and to never leave him because I did not know yet.

Every thing makes better sense now because reading on BPD shows he suffered that , because he always felt so empty, depressed and that he didn't deserve to be alive... He cheated, but I forgave him after he cried so hard that he was sorry. When I confronted him how he could be so heartless to do this to us, he blocked me... Lol... This is a guy who had been begging me for 4 years never to leave or abandon him, yet abandoned me then blocked me. I'm going crazy because he was so amazing, we made wedding plans and he had been so stable and caring to me.

It's only in trying to understand why and how a human could do this to us that I saw he had BPD. Every symptom just clicked, and makes so much sense. But it hurts so bad. He met her in Dec last year, and as an indian arranged marriage. Does he even miss me, or know how much I loved him even though he was so emotionally draining? How do you leave a 4 year relationship with someone who stood by u through your worst times just like that? He seems so happy married, told me he loves her and and doesn't reply my emails anymore... He never actually apologized, rather lied and kept blaming everyone but himself... How do I move on? I feel so broken and traumatised

[pearlsw]

Hi JustHeal,

I am so sorry to hear what has happened. That is indeed devastating! 

Do I understand correctly that he was involved with you but did an arranged marriage with another person?

If so, this seems to have a serious cultural component. Let's talk about that more if that is the case - if you like.

What BPD symptoms was he displaying prior to this? "Cheating, emptiness," others?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[JNChell]

Hello, JustHeal. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I know that this will take time to accept, but this wasn’t about you. It’s about a very troubled person that you tried to care for. The thing is, is that your partner couldn’t care for himself. In my honest opinion, these folks wear us down to the point where we have nothing left to give, and are on the ground begging them for mercy. Once there, they leave. No closure.

Everything had been normal

Who’s normal are you speaking of here? There is very narcissistic behavior by your ex being described in your post. This was a sudden discard with major manipulation.

I'm going crazy because he was so amazing

This is very well understood here. Was he amazing throughout the whole relationship? Or is it possible that the beginning is what you held onto? Eventually wondering what happened. What is going on here?

It's only in trying to understand why and how a human could do this to us that I saw he had BPD. Every symptom just clicked, and makes so much sense. But it hurts so bad.

The folks here have felt your pain. We’re all at different stages in it. You are not alone here. You are surrounded (picture that) by individuals that are here for similar reasons. There are experts on this subject that will interact with you (I’m not one). We will walk with you through this. You’re not alone.

How do I move on? I feel so broken and traumatised

What this person did to you is extreme. Have you considered therapy? Many of us find it priceless. I know that your mind refuses to slow down at this point in time. Just be assured that it will. This is a process. You will be ok. You are traumatized, but I don’t believe that you’re broken. Broken folks don’t reach out and seek answers. They just stay broken.

Do you have support? Family? Friends? Please keep us posted.