Wife experiencing a crisis & moving to another state

[in_free_fall]

My wife is experiencing a crisis in her life, and preparing to end our marriage, sell our condo and move to another state. It's clear to me that something is wrong in the way she's thinking and behaving, but I can't figure out how to get her help.

She has not been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but she was recently hospitalized for six days at an in-patient behavioral health facility because she was thinking about harming herself. The entire experience was terrible, and didn't result in any useful diagnosis -- she was tentatively pegged as bipolar, but she's now seeing a psychiatrist who tells her that the bipolar diagnosis is wrong, and she's just naturally stressed out about the circumstances of her life.

Her father is dying, and there are legitimate issues in our marriage that need to be addressed (primarily that I work long hours, and don't manage my time well), but I don't think the psychiatrist understands the full picture. I've been reading everything I can find, and it seems clear to me that she has BPD. I'm 32 and she is 29, and we've been together for seven years, and married for two. I never really thought about this before -- I always figured she was just emotional, and prone to overreacting -- but everything I read about the symptoms and the experiences of family members matches what's happening in my life. It feels like the tendencies that I always tolerated in the past have spiraled out of control.

Within the last three months, she has changed jobs and careers multiple times, cut ties with several close friends, blown up over minor conflicts with her mother, decided to divorce me, and now she wants to move across the country to start over as an artist and musician. She also decided to stop seeing her old therapist.

My entire world is falling apart, but I'm most scared that she will hurt herself, or put herself in danger. She tells me that she's not eating or sleeping, and that she feels dizzy and confused. We're currently separated, but she's still sending manic texts and emails, and appears to be paranoid.

At this point, I just don't know how to get her help. I want to stop her from moving to another state because I don't think she can take care of herself. I would love to save our marriage, too, but my immediate concern is trying to protect her from harm and get her treatment. If we get divorced, she won't even have health insurance, let alone someone to help with chores or whatever else.

But what can I do? Can I send a letter to her psychiatrist, or try to call friends to intervene and convince her to wait before she makes any more big changes? Everyone tells me that there's only so much I can do -- that things are out of my control -- but how can I accept that? How is anyone supposed to know where to draw the line? It's impossible to actually know when there's nothing more you can do.

I made a vow on our wedding day to always take care of my wife. I whispered the same thing to her at night over and over when she was scared about the future. After she got out of the hospital, she told me she was so  frightened she would wind up like the other women she saw in there, bouncing between psychiatric facilities, and I promised I would never let that happen to her.

But what am I supposed to do? I break down every time I think about what her life will become. If she was suffering from dementia, I wouldn't abandon her. If she had cancer, I wouldn't abandon her. When she isn't thinking rationally, how am I supposed to hold her accountable for the decisions she makes? And how can I help her now?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

At this point, I just don't know how to get her help.

But what can I do? Can I send a letter to her psychiatrist, or try to call friends to intervene and convince her to wait before she makes any more big changes? Everyone tells me that there's only so much I can do -- that things are out of my control -- but how can I accept that? How is anyone supposed to know where to draw the line? It's impossible to actually know when there's nothing more you can do.

But what am I supposed to do?

Hello in_free_fall,



I am sorry to hear the circumstances that you brought you to this site, but glad that you have found this place. There is a lot of information here to digest. Be sure you check out the lessons to right of the board here first off.  

Believe me I know how hard it is to hear, as much as you love her and are committed to her, but unfortunately, and often very painfully, it is true that there are limits in what we can do. Hearing this is devastating, I know.  

But you can make some of these efforts, calling the psychiatrist, contacting sympathetic friends, and talking with her yourself. It is impossible to know what might or might not work. It might give you some relief though.

I think using validation could help as you communicate with her. Express that you understand her feelings, but express your concern and desire that she might make other choices that might bring her more stability. Stability (and a life with you) may or may not appeal to her in her frame of mind.

Validation Skill: Stop Invalidating Others

Validation Examples

Keeping in mind all of our partners and situations are a bit different, though you may "meet" other members here with nearly identical stories... .When my SO was acting in a very extreme way last year I would give him pretty big "I care about your feelings/Let's make this work" speeches. In my case "it worked", but it was absolutely exhausting. I would not use this strategy anymore. I have had enough of his meltdowns.

But for particular reasons, in my case, some of this seemed necessary at the time, but it couldn't go on like that. I knew it was a temporary thing. Later he ended up medicated and has made some improvements and "NEVER" wants to lose me though I don't expect him to remain stable. He dysregulates quite a lot, especially when under stress.

In other words, I could get through to him and he got help. But that was just our situation.  

How open is your communication? Is she in complete denial there is a problem or does she have some awareness?

I know how much it hurts, but you are not abandoning her.

I know, this is a terrible illness that can cause a great deal of harm to all touched by it.  Sorry for your pain and hurt!

Hopefully others will join us here with various perspectives! There is a lot of insight among members here.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Radcliff]

I am sorry for the difficulties you are facing and the scary time your wife is going through, but I'm glad you have found us.

You are right, that much of what is happening is beyond your control.  This is a terribly difficult thing to accept, and it's also quite tough sometimes to figure out where to draw the line -- how much to try to intervene.  

I am not an expert, but here is what I would do -- make an appointment to go talk to her psychiatrist.  But I say that with a caveat.  You cannot go there with the expectation that you and her psychiatrist will become teammates in an effort to rescue her.  But what you can do, is report what you are seeing, and all of your concerns, to the professional caring for her.  He or she cannot tell you anything about your wife, but that is fine.  Your objective is to report what's going on, and your concerns.  The psychiatrist will listen, and can reach out to your wife and try to help her.  He or she may also have some helpful advice on what a healthy role for you could be.

Are you seeing your own therapist?

RC