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[Agwis]

I have a D9. I believe my kids, Mom has BPD, but I'm not a professional doctor. She did show me a test result when she worked at a mental health clinic (go figure) that said she was BPD with suicidal tendencies. She took it to explain her behavior when I broke up with her. I feel like I been pretty manipulated pretty hard, but have gone along with it for our kid to keep the peace.

Anyhow, we've been having some serious custody issues, especially with our daughter hitting 9 and coming into her own with independence. We've been having a power struggle over the schedule and our daughter is suffering. I know it. I was proud of myself today because I didn't react to her.

She was laying into me outside. Do you know our daughter is only 9? Do you know YOU have MOOD swings? It really impacts our daughter. I have made some big mistakes by reacting to a string of bad scheduled visits and frustration with things and I know it has impacted our daughter because I haven't controlled my emotions the way I should and with our daughter trying to exercise her independence things have become complicated more so.

She took more digs. She was taking diggs at my mental health. I looked at her with all honesty and said, I been evaluated by a doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist, and they say I don't have a personality disorder. Maybe some anxiety and depression. She looked perplexed. Then she goes, "you're paranoid". I respond with, "that's right, I'm a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic". Her face was like, what the heck. She doubled down on her attacks and goes, "why can't you act like an adult?". I'm thinking this is productive. But I can clearly see her mood shift and the anger grow in her.  It was actually nice to not be reactive and be like what the heck are you talking about?

She has deflected our kids schedule for me to "work out with a nine year old". So I made plans with our daughter for tomorrow and then she controlled the schedule being specific about it. And she asked me if that worked (she was controlling my experience). I said no, that doesn't work, and enjoy your plans. So she gets real mad and makes a comment via text insulting me. I responded with, no that plan doesn't work, enjoy yourselves, "we'll get things figured out soon enough".

She responds via text "I think we've figured it out. I'm here for her every single time you fail her. It's a great routine".

And I didn't respond! Usually, I want to be like f you lady. That's far from true. But then that just gets me in trouble.

SUCCESS!

[ForeverDad]

Been there, done that.  I was so logical, yet she was off the charts erratic emotional and mood swings.  Eventually we could never agree, light years apart.  Of course, the typical Denial was enormous, never her fault, always someone else (or eventually me when all others were driven away) was blamed.  Sadly, she will never truly listen to you, she hasn't listened for a long time, it's getting worse and won't get better until (1) she gets into serious long term therapy or (2) you build better boundaries perhaps with court orders that more clearly define the parenting limits.

You can't reason with her, the emotional baggage of the relationship is just too great a hurdle for her to really listen to you.  Here are some terms here, skills that can impact how you communicate, look them up in case I don't describe them well.  What you've been doing is JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) and that hasn't worked because she isn't really listening.  Probably it can trigger her more.  While JADE might work with a reasonably normal person, she's not that.  Reserve that approach for times when you are dealing with court, professionals, counselors, evaluators, etc.  (However, any time you're documenting your contact with her, be sure not to inflame the situation, behave as though someone (you, her, anyone) could be recording, always be angelic in that nothing you say or do could be interpreted as aggressive, abusive or the least bit threatening.)

DEARMAN (describe, express, assert, reinforce, mindfully, appear, negotiate) is a better way to get results.

SET (support, empathy, truth) also can have a proper place in your communications.

Bill Eddy, one of the authors of Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder which is an essential handbook around here, recommended BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, firm).  Also, in written communications it is usually best to address issues one per email or text.  Often it is best to not argue minor stories, typically that just goes around and around in circles continuing the conflict, although it is generally correct to deny serious allegations without getting mired in endless back-and-forth.

Additional topics:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296645.0

Can you give an outline of the current status?  Sounds like you're separated?  Is the schedule part of a court order for custody & parenting?  If a court order, how much discretion does she have to alter the day-to-day parenting arrangements?  We have generally found that it is best to have each parent in charge of their own parenting time and not endlessly interfered with by the other parent second-guessing or interjecting themselves onto the other.  That's the concept of parallel parenting, my custody evaluator used the phrase tag-team parenting.

[Panda39]

Hi Agwis,

Glad you decided to jump in and post.  I'm sorry you're going through all the drama    It definitely comes with the territory.

Good for you not responding to your ex's text.  She's looking for engagement from you and negative engagement is still engagement.  You stopped the drama by not responding. (and you didn't give her what she wants... .your attention)

How long have you been our of your marriage/relationship?  What does your current custody agreement look like?  How do you usually communicate with your ex? In person/phone/text/email?  How much of this conflict is your daughter being exposed to?  How is she reacting?

Sorry for all the questions, just trying to get a better feel for your situation.

Panda39

[Agwis]

It is a very confusing situation. We have been apart for a LONG time now, but this summer, things really took a turn for the worse. We had a schedule where I had our daughter for an extended weekend and a weekly over night. With our daughter coming into her own and wanting to have her own control, I think her Mom took an opportunity to drive the final wedge. And I think our daughter has something going on with her. I think she is impacted by her Mom and I. It's sad now. I had to meet with my attorney recently to discuss our options.

My reactions in the past of being defensive or raising my voice doesn't look good for me. I get confused because I want to have contact with our daughter, but it seems to always have restrictions and controlled times now. I've been told she's afraid of me. I've been told she doesn't like our place. Today my daughter told me she wants me to have more friends that she can play with. Today she told me she wished I had a girlfriend to be with us. It's just all over the board. It's just been a real big struggle and I think I can see our daughter is suffering now. I feel like my daughter has become a shell, and although she is growing, it's just TOO much for her to deal with.

With the courts, it's not an easy play. Because on one part, they don't want to interrupt our child's development. Regardless of if her Mom has a substantial mental health issue. I think they need to see how it impacts her. And right now, what I see is her Mom is shifting a lot of things on to me as if I am the big reason for all of it. When our daughter was younger, although it was hard, it was easier to get away with the situation from our daughter being aware and now it just seems like she's fully aware and is doing her best to deal with it, even if that means pushing me away.


As of recently, it has become really bad. Since my ex seems to think our 9 year old daughter can decide when to come and go as she pleases, it seemed to mean, she doesn't come over. Or if she does it's specifically on my 9 year old terms, which we know 9 year olds want what they want. An example is I will get a text to take her to some store for a gift and if I decline, the whole visit is missed now. I'm in an awkward spot where I don't feel it's right to go out on a limb and persuade her to come to my house. I know I need to make it fun, but I shouldn't have to bribe or entice her over.

With this whole shift to, make plans and talk it out with my mentally confused 9 year old that can't handle being an adult, when I go to make plans like I did today, I am told later by her Mom she made plans. So she'll say take her to breakfast at nine and have her back by 1:30. And I said no. I did respond after the plan with a middle ground approach. I'm trying to still maintain contact even though it's really hard right now. I'm like, we can still grab breakfast. I just didn't want that plan because I don't want her to be tired for your plan. I don't. She just started school. It's been a rough week. I tried to put a positive spin on it.

I have over the years shown a lot of patience and restraint. Don't get me wrong, I have responded pretty negatively and have some regrets. I've always been concerned with how the courts will impact my ex and then there impact my daughter. It scares me that if the court comes in and really says, "hey, something isn't right here with the Mom and she shouldn't be doing this" with her control and abandonment issues how dangerous does her Mom become? It scares me and I don't want that situation to break for my daughter. It will be traumatic and I don't want to cause harm to my daughter.

My communication with my kids Mom is nonexistent. It's all toxic. She wants to fight and talk about stuff that happened two months ago today. And tell me how my kid doesn't trust me. And this and that. And there can be no dialogue. Like today sitting outside of there home she was just getting into me about stuff and not letting me have a word. It's like I should feel shame and guilt or some emotion for something I have no idea why I am being accused or attacked about things. It's quite scary to see and hard to deal with. Because I am put into a position where I am hurting our daughter no matter what I do.

To me now, I just see it all as manipulation and trying to get a rise out of me. As in she enjoys getting me to react so she can point the finger and make me look bad. And if I do something like raise my voice or try to explain how I feel about the situation, it seems to me like it's taken and made to be something completely different than what I meant. Then I'm left trying to explain myself so it doesn't mean what she's interpreted it to mean. It's so messed up.

[ForeverDad]

The reason domestic court has authority over minor children is that court doesn't expect or want children to have decision making authority over their lives.  That is, they're children.  Actually, there is medical talk that our brains aren't fully developed until about age 25, but you get the point.  Does a child get to decide whether he or she attends school?  Does a child decide whether there is child support and how much?  You get my drift.

Your ex is using your daughter as a lever to squeeze you out of parenting, and to cement her need to control and disparage you.  Children are not decision makers, not at that age.  Maybe in a few years when daughter moves into her teens, but certainly not yet.

Take my experience.  I had two temp orders during separation and divorce and both relegated me to a three day (72 hour) weekend and an evening in between.  While the court's own social worker and the custody evaluator both advocated for changes that would clearly favor me, court took no actions except to continue to the next step.  The final decree moved us to Shared Parenting and equal time.  It was a clear improvement but she was still too entitled and controlling.  I returned to court seeking custody and majority time.

By then our son was in 3rd grade, about 9 years old.  I could see a change in his behaviors and so could his teachers, he wasn't as distracted and distracting to others in school.  Until that time he was always happy to come rushing to me at exchanges and very reluctant to go back.  However, he was now 9 and the case was looking bad for her.  The court had just assigned a Guardian ad Litem (GAL, child's lawyer) and at the next exchange he got in the car and announced, "I want to keep 50% time."  Well, I knew who instigated that.  He had just reached the age where she could influence his sense of fairness.

I wonder if that's what your ex is doing, influencing your daughter?  Well, as I wrote above, you daughter doesn't have a 'right' to decide, the parents do.  And if they don't agree, they follow the order or one of them returns to court to improve/update/enforce the order.

About your past overreactions when triggered by your ex... . Not much you can do about the past, but you can change things going forward.  No more getting triggered, no more shouting or anything that could be claimed as aggressive or twisted as threatening.  Be a model of self control.  Not passive, rather be proactive, insightful and with strategies known to work.

As for the past, court usually does not want to venture too far in the past when addressing behavior allegations, generally limiting it to 6 months before considering incidents "stale" or too old to be actionable.  That implies that court will ignore incidents that have aged over time.  That will work in your favor if going forward you can manage to not participate in ex's rants and rages.  Also, courts seem to ignore much of the "he said, she said" as hearsay, especially the vague "he always... ." and "she always... ."  Court will want documentation of claims, dates, places, witnesses, etc.  It will accept details from journals, diaries, logs and especially reports from professionals (think, police reports).

So, if you do have a court order that specifies exchanges at certain times, then that is to a certain extent enforceable.  You can inform your ex that you will pick up your child at the next exchange time.  (My county called it an exchange window, basically it was a window of time that started at the stated time and ended 30 minutes later.)  You could choose to want until it was clear ex wasn't in compliance with the order and then call the police for assistance in facilitating the exchange.  Of course, have a copy of the current order (always) with you since they'll need to see it.  Likely they'll call the ex and plead with her to bring or release the child.  If they're like my county, they won't actually enforce the order.  What mine did was write a report that then I had the option later to use in court to document ex's noncompliance with the order.  Yes, ex will claim "daughter didn't want to go" but any judge worth his/her salt will say "a 9 year old doesn't decide not to go."

Of course, if you do pursue this approach, expect push back from the ex.  She might counter that D is afraid of you, you yell too much, perhaps even claim substantive child abuse, neglect or endangerment (the big bad three with CPS).  And the longer you delay fixing this new "failed exchange" pattern, the harder it may be to undo it.

If at some point the issue of your past overreactions arises, you can minimize them.  Unless ex documented them, it can probably remain vague "he said, she said" or hearsay.  Also, you can state that you've been learning better communication skills (SET, DEARMAN, BIFF) and you have made goals to keep improving.  Do you have a good counselor or therapist?  Courts love counseling.  Having a counselor is actually a positive, it should never make you look bad before the professionals.  (Yeah, your ex will claim having a counselor makes you look bad, but she's not The Real Authority, court is.)

BTW, don't mention this site to your D or ex, this site is for you the target.  Sorry, minors cannot be members on this site, though you certainly can share with her age-appropriate extracts of what you learn here and other resources on the internet.

[Turkish]

Is there a custody order filed with the court?

How does your daughter hit? What triggers her? I'm still dealing with that with my D6.

[AnuDay]

I would NEVER never ever ever let my UBPDex control when and how often I see my daughter.  I would NEVER ever ever let my 9 year old daughter dictate how much time she spends at my house.  This is a BPD trap.  The less time you spend with your daughter the more she gets to brainwash your daughter until BOOM... .you have a dysfunctional teenager who is tied to her mom's hip.  OF COURSE your BPDex doesn't want you spending time with your daughter!  Haven't you read any of the The BPD mom books or Living with a BPD mother book ?  It's pure psychological torture and abuse for the children.  A competent court should know this and award you the time you deserve which should be a set schedule with little to no room for variance.   

[Agwis]

@Foreverdad - That's been my argument to my child's Mom. How does my kid get to dictate our time and you support that? It's really weird. At first, I went with it a little bit because I figured, "oh, she's 9, she wants to feel more in control", and to some extent when I think of my kid at this point, I get it. She's going between two homes. She returns to her Mom's house to be interrogated. Her Mom pumps her up with nonsense. Dad is a bad guy. HE's not there for you. When he asks you to stand up for yourself in school or tells you you did something wrong (she did), Dad is the bad guy. Two examples. Once when she was little, she didn't want to go to school. So, I wanted her to tell her teacher or try first. I was called a Bad Dad because I didn't rush into do it for her. It was great. Another example was, my kid was upset with a friend in her classroom last year and was rude to the kid. I didn't find it pro-social behavior so I told her she should have said hello. When she told me why she was upset, she was upset because her friend was tapping her pencil and wouldn't stop. So D9 used her body hands to stop the other kid from tapping her pencil. I told my kid you can't do that, that's why you got in trouble. And my kids Mom was like, nope, that other kid got her in trouble. I'm like what the heck?

A recent example of this is I said my kid shouldn't be allowed to just come over for what she wants. My kid shouldn't be just calling me and texting me to come over when she wants. She shouldn't text at all if that's the way it's going to go down. Her Mom ran with it big time.  She doubled down and was like you keep telling your kid you don't want to see her over and over again. Although, that's not what I'm saying at all. Since I been told my kid doesn't want to spend quality time together, but is perfectly ok if I take her to some local Fair and drop $150 on her and a friend only to drop her back off at her Moms house. It baffles me how things have been twisted and turned into this, "downward spiral" I have been accused of. It is nuts.

As for my kid, something happened. She gets these facial expressions that just isn't there. I think when she says the stuff she says, she's not really the one saying them. And I can't force her or get upset with her. My kid is struggling in ways of low self-esteem. She has a hard time connecting with other kids in a kid manner. Kids like my child, but I think her behavior based on her Mom's distorted view of life causes other kids to not like my child. Don't get me wrong, the other kids at my kids school, I'm not  a big fan of anyway.

An example was not too long ago we went swimming. A group of kids maybe a little younger wanted to play with my daughter and my daughter was not participating until I helped her out and the other Mom did and she finally did. At one point during the 4th of July my kid went with one friend whom she says she doesn't like now because (I think her Mom crapped on it) she went to play with another friend. I told my child that it wasn't kind to leave the friend she came with and she told me, "but dad at least I'm talking to other kids"... I can't argue with that because I'm always encouraging her to be social and make friends, but man, it's so confusing. Where I made a mistake was labeling her behavior in negative ways like comparing her to other kids and further not helping the situation.

My kid this weekend wanted to go to the local Fair. I bailed during the week when I was told she didn't want to have any other time but that. Obviously, that was the wrong move, but I was upset about the situation. So then I came around and tried to make plans to go. My kid wanted to go with a friend yesterday. I couldn't find a friend at the last minute. My kid goes, I want to go with both you and Mom. I know this is a bad idea, but I sucked it up for my kid and asked her Mom, which her Mom said no. So I went back home and watched some TV. I'm a block away at this point. I live a block away from my kid. Literally down the street. My kids mom texts me that my kid wants to play outside. I head over and play with a group of kids. The kids leave. My kid and I sit down and have a heart-to-heart. Since I'm told to make plans with her. I made a plan to go to the local Fair the next day. Later, I get a text saying her Mom already made plans to go to the Fair with friends AFTER I cancelled. However, she failed to tell me this earlier in the day when she had an opportunity. At this point, I'm like fricken A.

Another example... This past week, I was told my kid didn't want to come over and I needed to talk to my kid about it. So I missed a visitation. Later in the evening, I get a text that my kid was waiting for me to come for an hour. But I never received a text message asking if I was coming or telling me she was waiting. I asked my kid if she texted me (which she has a phone to do so), she said no. This is what I'm dealing with.

In general, I think if my kids Mom is intervening or playing these mind games, my kid comes over and it's not an issue. I have no problem doing privileged things with my kid like going to the Fair or buying her a new doll or toy. But I do have a problem with that if that's ALL my relationship is. I think my kid right now is just fed up with it and trying to get through it. I think she is overwhelmed. Clearly she is. I think her Mom is really troubled and impossible to deal with. And here I am.

I get what her Mom is doing. I been through this for YEARS. It's all manipulation. The woman doesn't like me for one reason or another. She'll tell the school, I'm a mean guy. My kids friends parents. EVERYONE she can to make me look bad and create this weird tension.

I have read BPD books. I get it. I have read this site. I get it. It still doesn't make dealing with it any easier. And there is no guidebook that if I do X, X will happen. At this point, I know and I can clearly see her Mom digging a hole for herself. And over the years, it's been ok for me to keep the stability and peace by taking the brunt of things. Her Mom at this point is basically saying to EVERYONE that our kids issues has to do with me being a failed parent. So even if I am pushed away. The issues my child has is BECAUSE of me some how. Her Mom's mindset is off target. Is it productive to try to attack me when I show up to try and be pro kid? What does that do? Do the text messages about me being a failed parent solve problems or make them more difficult? The whole situation for me is past it's due date. I guess I'll have to see how the legal system shakes it out and how my new ramen noodle diet will go in trying to help me pay for all the expenses. (haha)

[david]

My ex used to try to get our kids to make the decisions. I believed it was her way of not blaming herself and putting it all on the kids. I followed our court order and didn't let the kids dictate things. The problem I had was my ex was very good at getting the kids to say they wanted to stay with her. Our oldest had a birthday, I believe he was 9 at the time, and I went to pick both boys up. We were going out for ice cream. Our youngest said he didn't want to go. That was in the beginning and I let him decide. Our oldest and I went out. When we returned our youngest came out to see me and wanted to know every detail. It was then I realized he wasn't going to do anything his mom didn't want him to do. From then on I followed the court order. I really stopped caring what ex said.

[Panda39]

Hi Agwis,

My SO went through much the same thing and it is miserable.  I also agree with the others the court decides when you and she see each other and if there are any compromises those decisions are made by the adults you and her mom (My SO did minimal compromises... .it usually didn't go well).

Mom is putting your daughter between the two of you and this is an extremely difficult position for your daughter to be in. Mom will get mad if she goes and you will be hurt if she doesn't. You can take your out of that position.  If your daughter tells you that she doesn't want to come over, you can tell her your sorry but the court/judge says that she comes over on what ever days you have visitation.  It puts the decision on a higher power... .the judge.  If she says "but mom says... ."  Tell your daughter you will email her mother and the two of you will discuss it.  This takes your daughter out of the middle a second time.  Communicating via email now creates documentation for you that your ex is refusing to allow your visitation, email communication also slows down the communication so you can think about how you respond (and sometimes if you respond at all) so it doesn't escalate in to an argument where you are yelling.  You are communicating via email so your daughter doesn't hear any fighting.

From then on I followed the court order. I really stopped caring what ex said.

I'm with david here and will add stop believing what your ex says.  My SO believed the BS about his parenting that his wife threw out there, she played on his insecurities.  Once he stopped believing her, then he stopped caring about what she said and then she lost her power.

Keep all communication via email, and keep your emotions under control (remember these emails could end up in front of a judge).  Use BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly (at least not nasty), Firm) in your communication and don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) if you do this will take you where she wants to go... .into an argument.  Only respond to legitimate emails about your daughter.  If it's all Agwis bashing ignore it an don't respond.  The goal is to de-escalate the drama.

Always keep in mind what is best for your daughter, that is what the court will be looking at.

Panda39

[david]

If one of our boys said they didn't want to go with me, and that happened a lot in the beginning, I also told them that we had a court order that we had to follow and I didn't want me or mom to get in trouble with the judge. Judges don't like you not following their order. That made sense to our boys when they were younger. It really took me saying no to ex, not directly but by following the order, and eventually it stopped.
My ex will not recognize me as a parent. She does recognize the court order when I "enforce" it.
I went to pick up our youngest once and I knew ex was going to try something. I arrived, called her phone, and hung up when her voicemail turned on. That is in our order. I waited around 15 minutes and called again. I waited around 15 more minutes and called the police explaining my situation. The person told me to remain in my car until the police arrive. One car showed up quickly. The officer explained that this was a civil matter and I needed to talk to my attorney. As he was explaining another car pulled up. I then said to the officer that I was concerned for everyone's well being since this was a scheduled pick up and I heard nothing. They are required to do a wellness check if asked and they also need to write a report which you are entitled to get. Just let them know you want it and when can you pick it up.The officer walked to the other car and they talked. He then approached exs' residence. As soon as his foot touched her driveway the door opened and out came our son. Our son got in the car and asked why the police were there. I explained that I was concerned since he didn't come out of the house. That made sense to him. As we were driving back to my place he said that mom kept looking out the window and he didn't know why and now he knows why. I didn't have to say anything after that.
When ex comes to pick the boys up I always have them ready. I am sure they noticed the difference too.

[ForeverDad]

Reasonably normal parents can discuss and agree to tweasks her and there to the order.  I recall trying to me reasonable with my ex regarding traded time.  That was my solution for ex wanting changes to the schedule.  The problem?  She would ask for a trade where I would have no choice but to get the last half of the trade if I were to agree.  Well, she got her half but when my traded time rolled around, she refused and tried to guilt me about it (even though at the time we had equal time).

So I got a quick education that until she respected the trades then I would refuse to agree to any unless I got my half of the trade first.

Oh, and any trade needs to be in writing and agreed to by both parents.  Maybe not paper only since these days emails and even texts have largely the same weight.  The one above where she sabotaged me was one she requested by phone.  So it was never 'documented' sufficiently and so she felt entitled to deny it later.

[david]

Our court order started as me being an EOW dad. Went back to court and got 50/50. That took 2 to 3 years. During that time I wrote an iron clad custody order that addressed every problem I had and anything I anticipated. I spelled out every holiday during school and summer. Extended holidays I wrote were 50/50 on even day holidays. Odd day holidays - the extra day rotated year to year.
I also wrote that any changes to the order could be done by both parents agreeing in emails about the change. Once a change was agreed to it could not be changed without another email exchange. I always include in changes that this is a one time change for this particular circumstance and is not to be construed as a permanent change.
I made a mistake for this summer schedule that just ended. I always let ex make the schedule since she has never agreed with any of my proposals. For the last 8 years pick up time was always 9 am for me and 10 am for ex. This last summer schedule I assumed pick up times would be the same. It was not spelled out in the email. I always pick our son up at 9 am. Ex has picked him up from 4:30 pm at the earliest and 9:30 pm on the next day at the latest this summer without any notification. I tried several times in emails to get a pick up time but she didn't reply. I then told her I would guarantee our son was ready at 10 am using precedent. If we were out and she showed up she would have to wait or figure it out. I never worried about it but I will make sure I get it in the email next summer.

[Agwis]

I'm reading your posts and my heart goes out to you guys because I know how I struggle.

How do you guys stay resilient and deal with the stress? Here is my deal. I do have predisposition towards anxiety issues and depression. I do have a therapist. I've seen a psychiatrist myself. They said I had anxiety. I've taken parenting classes, but I still struggle big time.

When I initially posted on the board, I feel like that was post traumatic stress for me. Although, I feel I handled the situation with tact and dignity it still had a profound impact on me. My visitation was cancelled. The plans I made was changed by her Mom and I was given a curfew with my kid. Have her back by 1pm. I'm like no. Part of myself feels good I'm standing up for myself and not desperately agreeing to their terms. Another part of me feels miserable that I even have to do that and my heart and emotions is all twisted up.

Yesterday, I was denying my own feelings. I'm ok. This is not a big deal. But I was drained. I was lethargic. It was just, I felt down. Today I still feel that fog and a little down, but not as bad as yesterday. Tomorrow I will be back to myself, but then once I run into another one of these stressful experiences, it's just a rollercoaster.

I admit, I've isolated myself because of my own up and downs and it's hard for me to be social and around people when I feel the way I do.

I'm wondering have you guys experienced that struggle and if so how did you guys handle those intense up and downs?

I can relate to your experiences. I just wonder how you mentally got through it. How did you guys keep it together emotionally? I get thrown off when I get thrown for a loop or I'm accused of being a bad Dad. I'd lie to say that those words and lies and accusations don't impact me. They do. So I'm wondering how you guys came through your own cycles if you experienced them?

[david]

My ex accused me of bruising our youngest back in 2008. I was extremely upset and didn't know what to do. I called my attorney and was told to do nothing and see how it plays out. I couldn't take that for an answer sop I went to the pediatrician to get our sons charts. Nothing was in them which relieved me a bit. I called a friend who is a doc and talked to him. He explained that if he suspected something he would report both parents because he doesn't know what is going on. This way DHS would investigate the family.
In 2009 ex brought it up during a custody eval. Ex insisted the pediatrician told her she called me and gave me a stern warning. The evaluator looked at me and I told her that my ex accused me of something I did not do and I never received a phone call from the pediatrician. The evaluator said she would call the pediatrician and wanted the number. Ex did not have it on her but it was in my cell phone. The next meeting the evaluator said she called the pediatrician and the doc said she would never call a parent and warn them. That is not the way things are supposed to be done. Ex turned around and swore that is what the doc told her. So a year later and realizing ex made many false claims against me kind of settled me and I simply am used to it.
This last mothers day the boys were both with me. Ex asked, in an email, if she could pick the boys up for mothers day. I agreed even though our custody order already gave her that time. Shwe dropped them off later that night. They came in and both told me a story. Ex told them I was the number two distributor of marijuana in the city of phila.  She told them I was growing it in a park in the city and that her source of information came from my mother. I was waiting for the punch line because I figured the boys were messing around. It turned out they were telling me what really happened. My mother passed away several years ago and she has dementia for the last few years before that. I found it amusing and nothing more.
This all started in 2007 when ex filed for divorce. The first few years were the toughest but after a while it is like a fly buzzing around your face. Annoying but nothing to be concerned about.

[AnuDay]

I'm reading your posts and my heart goes out to you guys because I know how I struggle.

How do you guys stay resilient and deal with the stress? Here is my deal. I do have predisposition towards anxiety issues and depression. I do have a therapist. I've seen a psychiatrist myself. They said I had anxiety. I've taken parenting classes, but I still struggle big time.

Knowledge... .reading up on this board... .reading all of the resources... .staying active... .working out... .keeping myself occupied with other activities... .knowing that this will all end soon... .knowing that there are parents who are going through much worse... .knowing that all over the world there are people who are living much harsher realities.  Also, we have to stay strong or at least feign strength, otherwise the other side will win.

[ForeverDad]

I struggle... .I do have a therapist. I've seen a psychiatrist myself. They said I had anxiety. I've taken parenting classes, but I still struggle big time.

When we first separated, my ex and I were both ordered to take psych evals and share them with the attorneys.  I complied.  My psych eval was done at the local county mental health center and was conducted by a grad student from the local university.  A couple hours.  Conclusion was: anxiety.  No surprise.  However, I never found out whether my ex complied, she sure never shared anything.  I learned a big lesson then... .Hold onto Leverage if you can.  I should have had my lawyer contact the other lawyer, "I have my client's psych eval report.  Let's schedule an exchange of his report for hers."  In other words, I should have held onto my report until hers was ready too.  But I was Mr Nice Guy, super compliant, and she got my report and I didn't get hers, if she even got one.  In the next several months you should ponder each legal decision or action with, "Does this strengthen or weaken my Leverage?"

In many areas all divorcing parents are required to take parenting classes.  But they just cover the basics.