Dating unavailable people?

[Bunny]

Hi all,
Daughter of BPD mother here.  I haven’t posted on this site in years but found it so helpful when I was processing my mother’s abusive behavior.  I’ve never married and have been out of the dating world for many years.  Recently I reconnected with a guy I was involved with 20 years ago.  He was unavailable then and is unavailable now.  Looking back I’ve essentially always gone for unavailable men and then gotten hurt.  Wondering if other daughters of BPD mothers have also experienced this pattern and whether you found a way to break the pattern.  Many thanks!

[Harri]

Hi Bunny and welcome back.  It really has been a long time!

Can you tell us a bit more about your relationship?  How is he unavailable?  Are you still seeing him?

I think it is not uncommon to have problems connecting to people in healthy ways or finding healthy available people after being abused.  I too am single, never married and out of the dating world for a very long time. 

Tell us more when you can. 

[Skip]

Stopping in to say hi 

It's has been a long time!

[isilme]

Not sure if this makes sense, but let me take a stab at this.

I did not date at ALL before college.  At all.  I was a timid, scared of my shadow, too afraid to wear makeup mess.  BY age 15, my BPD mom was quarantined from me by my BPD dad, who lied to me and told me my mom did not want me anymore, and I believed him because I'd painted him white to survive.  I needed one of them to be "good" and therefore the other had to be "bad" and he was higher functioning, and though he used to beat me horribly, Somehow I decided to go with him when he got in the car to leave mom.  In one way, it was good, because being away from Mom helped me grow strong enough to eventually stand up to Dad for once which got me kicked out at 19.   

Anyway - dating.  Because I was terrified of dad, and knew he'd disapprove, I think I shied away from ever seeking out any attention from boys for real.  I developed a crush on a boy from my class year, who went to my church, but he had a girlfriend and was not one to date within our church anyway.  Basically, I realized he was "safe" to have a crush on because nothing would come of it, other than normal teenage pining away over him.  It let me assert to my small circle of friends I was interested in boys too, just the one I liked was unavailable, so no I don't want to talk to so and so thank you.  I took one gamble, and asked a boy from another town to room with me, thinking no one would say no and risk hurting my feelings - who does that?  But he did and I cried all night at the rejection, verifying how ugly and horrible I must be. 

So yes, having feelings for someone who is not in an easy position to return them is maybe a bit of a safety?  You can't be expected to do much more if they aren't free to reciprocate.  But at the same time you get to allow yourself to feel those feelings without guilt or having to take action on them. 

[Fie]

Hello Bunny !


My mum is BPD, my dad NPD.
After a few dysfunctional relationships I have been single for some years, until recently I met someone.

We both seem to have issues that are somehow similar : a bit afraid to get attached / to get abandoned. I talked about that with my therapist, because I thought it was concerning : shouldn't I better be with someone who doesn't have attachment issues ?

She told me that it's just the way it works. We are attracted to people who have similar issues. According to her it's natural and not necessarily unhealthy - as long as both partners are willing to work on it and communicate about it.

So I guess what you are describing is normal ...   I think I do read that he's really unavailable ?  Do you have the feeling you want  to be around him anyway ? Or do you feel that you should retract yourself from a relationship with him ?

x

[Notwendy]

I think this is common. The dynamics of our FOO's do influence our attraction to people and how people are attracted to us. I have a BPD mother and my father was mostly focused on her needs. As a kid, I desperately wanted my parents attention and approval ( which was hard to get ) and believed that if only I was good enough, they would love me. I became a people pleaser and an enabler and I think that set me up for some dysfunctional relationships.

I am married and working at changing these behaviors in my relationship. How great that you discovered your tendency so you can examine it.

[Pina colada]

Yep.  Fear of intimacy.  My dad was NPD I think... .never diagnosed.  My sister BPD with many NPD traits.  I am divorced and just got out of a long relationship with a covert narcissist.  I did not know what that he was until a few years ago.  My dad passed last year.  He actually got better as he aged.  I was very close to him as he got ill and older.  I was with him until the end and got to heal and actually felt his love.  It was only after that I could end the craziness with the narcissist .  I am also in therapy.  I am also NC with my sister whom is so very toxic.  I don't think you are alone.  Inner child therapy really is helping me and self love.  You can only receive the level of love that you have for yourself... .