mixed signals... dont know what to make of it

[blackorchid]

me and my partner of 13 years broke up after he dysregulated in June. He left our apartment on July 1st.

The first 3 weeks there was no contact... then slowly he has started contacting... .

In the last 3 weeks he has collected me after I visited my mum in a different city 2 times... .the second being because he wanted to see my sister before she flew home... .but strictly helping me "as friends"

Also in the last 3 weeks he has been messaging me, eg

I woke up one day to a message asking me if I wanted to go to a club with him on Saturday and have fun(Aug16th). I asked him if he was sure, he said yeah why not we're friends, but dont misunderstand it doesnt mean anything just as friends (he says this for everything including the lifts) then on the Saturday evening he said he was too tired and cancelled, but asked if I could do something for him and buy some football boots and bring them to him for a student (hes working as a football coach in a hotel) I said yes as it would be a chance to see him.  He met me on his lunch break, he was an hour late and so we only saw each other for 20 mins, which turned into another convo about his family and how I never listened to him... .If i had listened to him years ago I would have left him and returned to england and my life would have been so much better now... .

 Another one asking me once why I was online late at night... .it was 2am and I said I was having a drink to which he replied saying why was he not invited... .I said I didnt know he needed an invitation, He said whatever its too late now, next time if Im drinking tell him and he'll come... .

I did. He didn't.

Then I went back to the hotel to visit my mum again last week... .he offered to pick me and my sister up as she was going to the airport and he hadnt seen her yet.  Then he said after she goes to the airport we could go to a club. I said ok but itll be late her flight is at 2am. He said no problem we can go to the club at 1am. I told him our dog would need walking and i would need to get changed he said he would walk the dog and I could get changed.  That afternoon he said a work colleague would be coming... .I said ok but wasnt too happy about it...

then on the way home after dropping my sister (i ended up staying with her longer as she was ill, so he went to collect the friend and came back to the airport) he said he cant loose anymore time tonight on me, hes not waiting anymore we can go to a club another night alone... .

which left me annoyed... .

that night I got ill, I think it was a really bad stomach flu or food poisoning going around the hotel. I messaged him as i knew he was in the city, saying can you please stay here tonight as Im not well and wont be able to walk daisy, he asked what was wrong i replied then he called, concerned, and said he would be here in 30 mins, he never came  after about an hour and a half, I called him and he was driving, he had no idea where he was and drunk, I tried to forcefully tell him without getting so angry, to park the car and get a taxi here but he didnt. I have been so worried all summer about his behaviour spiralling out of control and this is a major red flag for me. Unfortunately drink-driving is rife in Turkey, but he has never done it before.  But he is in with a really bad crowd at the hotel, which i think is fuelling things... .

The next day he messaged me to say maybe he will come home today (first time he has called it home) I said ok please because Im still really ill and cant walk our dog.  Then it got to 9 (he finishes work at 8/8.30pm) and I hadnt heard from him, I asked if he was coming home and he said he didnt know, he wasnt sure yet. i asked when would you know and he asked why... .i said i was just asking... he didnt come home

late that night I sent a message highlighting his message saying maybe i can come home today and said you can always come and he replied thanks.

the next day the boiler was leaking so i asked him for help for who to call (problems of being an expat they overcharge you) he said he can fix it when he comes home.

later that day he asked me to send him $20 fast.  (this is Monday) then i explained that this will be the last time i visit the hotel when i come back my mum will be coming with me to stay for about 2 weeks before she flies home, so do you want to go to a club or something tomorrow.  He said he was tired maybe we can go thursday... .


yesterday he asked me if i knew what day i will be going to my mum as he will come here to look after the dog again, I said Im not sure, I was off work (private tutor) as I was sick i have yet to confirm this weeks lesson, I highlighted his message about going on thursday and said did you want to go because Ill arrange going to my mum around that... .he read it last night but still hasnt replied... .


 

he has messaged me yesterday asking what day Im goin

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[pearlsw]

Hi blackorchid,

I know how confusing these mixed signals can be. When relationships get into this confusing space, a connection and history exists, traces of the past are there, but there doesn't seem to be a solid present and the future is a giant question mark.

Keep reading and rereading about ways to speak with our partners here, whether you are together or not, it should be helpful.

It is important not to pursue. In your shoes I'd do the same, let him know he's welcome in your life, but don't compromise your dignity.

It's sad because it sounds like you are still "family" to him, and from what you said previously, more reliable than his family. I am sorry for the pain of seeing him spiraling downwards! You cannot "save" him, but you can be supportive.

It sounds like he does want some time with you. Is there a way to spend some time together without alcohol and low pressure?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[blackorchid]

hi pearl what would you recommend me reading? sorry for going awol im just really not dealing with this this time  its all a bot too much for me.  He has never been like this for so long before... .and its all just taken its toll on me.

i dont know how to suggest spending time with him... .im toying back and forth with suggesting we go to a them park... .but not sure... .

I now know why he didnt turn up when I was ill that night... .he got arrested for drink driving... .I think that was maybe why he said to come home the day after (presumption) but then I guess for whatever reason he changed his mind.

I have been doing my best all summer not to look at the hotel he is living and working in... .but after he told me last friday night that he was at a pool party there i faltered... .the best I can describe it as is a Las Vegas Hotel, Lots of pole dancers and scantily clad dressed women... Its like he is living in a DIsneyland with everything on demand and I dont know if that is why he isnt returning to baseline this time or just because this time it is over.  In which case I should leave and my dog cant fly after october . I feel like theres a massive timebomb on me and  I dont want to make a decision without actually seeing him... .

He has been messaging my mum the past few days. They have always gotten on well and says that he would like to see her before she leaves next Wednesday.  Then he messaged me yesterday to say that he has spoken to my mum and will meet her but if she starts talking about me, he will get up and leave.

His friend just repeatedly tells me that he left me as he didnt believe I would ever marry him... .we spoke about it and as he was unemployed for basically 2 years here he said we couldnt get married until he gets a job... .I dont know if I should try to open up that conversation... .marriage is a massive deal in turkish culture... .

Also I dont know if he has flipped out so big this time because he had no job for 2 years and was depressed so this time its just a much longer episode... .is that possible... .?