New: Logically, I understand why, but my heart is having a hard time catching up

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

"She loved me, in her way, very deeply.  In our time together we loved, laughed and taught each other, we grew and in someways thrived.  I have been changed forever from the experience of knowing her -however, I believed the relationship was too dangerous for me to continue.  This is hard to process and hard to accept.  Once again hard to detach.

Back to your original question 'why I’m still attached?' --the child in me rails against her alleged condition screaming 'why'?  Why could not this have been the fairytale love it seemed to be?  Why was my love not enough to give her a place to finally heal and be at peace?  Why could this love not have been what it seemed to be?"

Hi Wicker Man,

Hope I'm doing this right. Your post made me cry. It's how I feel about my ex. We were together over 7 years, and I've never had such a deep, intense, intimate connection with anyone else. I think he felt that way about me, too. But after the last year of his anger and jealous accusations alternating with silent treatment, lies, and emotional abuse, I finally realized I could not fix him nor could I fix this relationship. I moved out two months ago, but still kept seeing him some. I haven't seen him now for over two weeks. The intense loss I feel is unbearable sometimes. I miss him so much it makes me physically ache. I'm having a very hard time letting go of the vision I had of us getting married (we were engaged and living together) and spending the rest of our lives together. I am broken-hearted and ask myself the same questions: Why couldn't I love him enough that he would get better and we could be happy? I tried so hard, I paid for some counseling, I focused my whole self on him, I hardly saw my friends or family because he would get angry. But it wasn't enough. And that is hard to accept. Logically, I understand why, but my heart is having a hard time catching up.

[WindofChange]

"She loved me, in her way, very deeply.  In our time together we loved, laughed and taught each other, we grew and in someways thrived.  I have been changed forever from the experience of knowing her -however, I believed the relationship was too dangerous for me to continue.  This is hard to process and hard to accept.  Once again hard to detach.

Back to your original question 'why I’m still attached?' --the child in me rails against her alleged condition screaming 'why'?  Why could not this have been the fairytale love it seemed to be?  Why was my love not enough to give her a place to finally heal and be at peace?  Why could this love not have been what it seemed to be?"

Hi Wicker Man,

Hope I'm doing this right. Your post made me cry. It's how I feel about my ex. We were together over 7 years, and I've never had such a deep, intense, intimate connection with anyone else. I think he felt that way about me, too. But after the last year of his anger and jealous accusations alternating with silent treatment, lies, and emotional abuse, I finally realized I could not fix him nor could I fix this relationship. I moved out two months ago, but still kept seeing him some. I haven't seen him now for over two weeks. The intense loss I feel is unbearable sometimes. I miss him so much it makes me physically ache. I'm having a very hard time letting go of the vision I had of us getting married (we were engaged and living together) and spending the rest of our lives together. I am broken-hearted and ask myself the same questions: Why couldn't I love him enough that he would get better and we could be happy? I tried so hard, I paid for some counseling, I focused my whole self on him, I hardly saw my friends or family because he would get angry. But it wasn't enough. And that is hard to accept. Logically, I understand why, but my heart is having a hard time catching up.

[Lucky Jim]

I am broken-hearted and ask myself the same questions: Why couldn't I love him enough that he would get better and we could be happy? I tried so hard, I paid for some counseling, I focused my whole self on him, I hardly saw my friends or family because he would get angry. But it wasn't enough. And that is hard to accept.

Hi WindofChange, Welcome!  I suspect that you did love him enough, so don't beat yourself up.  It's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome, in my view, because most BPD relationships are not built to last.  You're right, it wasn't enough, sad to say, but with BPD it never is, due to the emotional black hole.  I used to say that was my BPDxW's motto: "Never Enough"!    I can laugh about it now, but it was a painful process.

LuckyJim

[Wicker Man]

... .Your post made me cry. It's how I feel about my ex.

@WindofChange  I am truly sorry you are going though this incredibly difficult time in your life and sorry for the extra tears my post brought you.

I finally realized I could not fix him nor could I fix this relationship

In my case we were engaged and our relationship ended with her saying, after she had a 7 day rage, "We have nothing more to talk about".  

Her statement granted me a painful epiphany --She would one day leave me and there would be nothing I could have done to have stopped her.  I acquiesced and agreed to end our engagement.  This was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do -but I did it out of self preservation.  There were extenuating circumstances which compelled me to make this life choice.  Intellectually I know it was right for me --I am just waiting for my heart to catch up  

That was 6 months ago -but not a day has passed without my thinking about her.  Little by little and day by day the pain fades -but it has not been an easy process.

From what I have read here on BPD Family, and certainly my own anecdotal experience relationships with people suffering from BPD or BPD like behaviors, are more difficult than most to grieve.  

I have been in therapy since January and it has helped me begin to gain some perspective.  Journalling has also been very helpful.  Whether writing here on this BBS or in a notebook.  Having to articulate our thoughts, put them in order enough to express them, seems to be extremely cathartic.

You have found a good place here at BPD Family -there is a lot of compassion and understanding.  Reading other's stories has helped bring me a bit of peace and understanding  --BPD Family got me through some of the hardest nights.

Here is a quote I wish I had known a year ago... . 

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

― Maya Angelou

Relationships take a lot of hard work --all of them.  However, in order for a relationship to succeed both parties have to have a sense of self.  Without being able to say "I" the statement "I love you" is meaningless.  

We can support our loved ones, we can help our loved ones, but we cannot 'fix' them.  



Wicker Man

[Lucky Jim]

We can support our loved ones, we can help our loved ones, but we cannot 'fix' them. 

No, we cannot fix them, as you put it, Wicker Man.  When I get confused around this issue, I find it helpful to review the Serenity Prayer, which seems particularly apt when a pwBPD is involved.

LJ

[Wicker Man]

"By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired". --Kafka

This is a wonderful way to look at life --not relationships... .

I had fallen into childish love --'if I care for you the way I want to be loved -then you will love me that way too'.

As WindofChange so aptly stated 'my heart is having a hard time catching up'.


Wicker Man

[WindofChange]

Thank you, Wicker Man and Lucky Jim, for sharing your stories and insights. This is a hard journey, isn't it? I have been journaling, and it does help. I do have supportive friends and family, but they don't really understand. I'm so glad to have found this site and to be able to talk with and share with people who have been through this. What a great thing, to be able to support each other. I love the quotes that you've shared, as well. Writing them down to reflect on and remember! Our hearts will eventually "catch up" with our brains. 

[Shawnlam]

Thank you, Wicker Man and Lucky Jim, for sharing your stories and insights. This is a hard journey, isn't it? I have been journaling, and it does help. I do have supportive friends and family, but they don't really understand. I'm so glad to have found this site and to be able to talk with and share with people who have been through this. What a great thing, to be able to support each other. I love the quotes that you've shared, as well. Writing them down to reflect on and remember! Our hearts will eventually "catch up" with our brains.  

It will take some substantial time for the pain to go away , and in some ways it may never go away entirely.The depth at which individuals who suffer from BPD come at get you at the soul is what makes them unique ,blessed,and tormented as human beings .Dont feel bad that you feel this way ,it means you are normal and that you really loved them!

Loving someone who can’t love you back is like hugging a cactus,the tighter you hold on the more it will hurt.

[WindofChange]

Shawnlam, I don't think I'll ever open myself up or connect as deeply and completely with another person as I did with my ex. It was so intense, and I don't know that I'll ever get entirely over the heartache. You're right, they are unique, with many good qualities, despite all they struggle with. Maybe it's okay if in the future we don't have such an intense connection with others, as (obviously) it wasn't healthy. I've only really started this journey a few months ago, so I still have a lot to learn. Those of you who've been really dealing with your feelings longer will have more insights, I'm sure.
I can look back and see early signs that I just wanted to overlook or blame myself for, extreme reactions to things that weren't normal. A year into our relationship, I went to dinner with a man from high school whom I hadn't seen for over 20 years. He was someone I had dated casually, but we were mostly just good friends. We reconnected on social media and wanted to catch up. I told my ex about it, explained the situation, said where I'd be... .and he texted me constantly, furious and jealous, and ended up texting me after we'd been at the restaurant for about 30 minutes, saying he was outside. Terribly embarrassed, I had to cut the evening short with my old friend and ended up leaving with my ex. It was so ridiculous... .and yet, I stayed with him. His justification was that I should have known the man was more than likely interested in dating, not just catching up. But even if that were the case, did that automatically mean I was going to just go along? If he had asked me out, I would have said no. At the time, I remember thinking, this is so high schoolish (we were in our 40s). But again, this is one of the early signs that something was off, and I overlooked it, let it go. 

[Wicker Man]

It was so intense, and I don't know that I'll ever get entirely over the heartache. You're right, they are unique, with many good qualities... ... ..Maybe it's okay if in the future we don't have such an intense connection with others, as (obviously) it wasn't healthy

Speaking with my therapist I described this intense love as 'love verging on psychosis' -it is an impossible high.   It takes a lot of time to process the experience.  How can someone who loves you so much one moment treat you so badly the next?  

What I have come to believe is my ex loved me with incredible passion -her entire being.  She also periodically hated me with incredible passion -her entire being.  Both were real in the moment for her.  Love and hate, high and low, heaven and hell.

This is very hard to reconcile, hard to process and heartbreaking to see.  She had no apparent control over her emotions and was victimized by them.  I know she didn't want to rage, but could not stop herself.  She knew she was hurting both of us.

As I understand it, this is the tragedy that is BPD.  She craves love, needs love, but cannot allow herself to be loved.  She fears abandonment so deeply (she told me this in so many words) -but this fear presents itself in rage and creates a self fulfilling prophecy of abandonment.  I have incredible pity for her.  I cannot imagine what life must look and feel like through the lens of BPD.

@WindofChange  Be good to yourself.  Embrace your friends and family.  Keep journalling, take walks and stay active.  I am 6 months into no contact and day by day the pain fades and I think about her less.  

Wicker Man

[Lucky Jim]

She fears abandonment so deeply (she told me this in so many words) -but this fear presents itself in rage and creates a self fulfilling prophecy of abandonment. 

Wicker Man: Right, which is what I refer to as the "paradox" of those suffering from BPD: They want love but behave in unloving fashion; they fear abandonment but drive those closest to them away; they seek peace but create chaos; they are ultra-sensitive to criticism yet judge others harshly; etc.

LuckyJim

[Wicker Man]

"paradox"... .they are ultra-sensitive.

Her hypersensitivity drew me to her --such a gifted artist.  She lives with one foot in a fantasy world and the other resting lightly in reality.

So much of what I observed in her was paradoxical.  Briefly seeing the world through the eyes of someone who feels so much. It is as fascinating as it is sometimes frightening.  Beautiful and terrible, high and low, heaven and hell.  All polarized, binary and relentless.

BPD is such an irony filled tragedy.  When someone who fears abandonment so deeply needs to protect themselves from love itself. 

It has been an incredible loss of innocence learning about BPD -having come to some level of understanding of her incredible pain.

--Fear and emptiness are her daily companions.


Wicker Man

[WindofChange]

For me, I started into this relationship guarding my heart, as I have always tended to do. He broke down my barriers, broke them all down, until I allowed myself to be completely vulnerable to him. At first, it was amazing, beautiful, truly the most wonderful love of my entire life. He has the most beautiful smile, and can be so very generous and so loving in so many ways. But... .then his dark side began to show, occasionally. I wanted so much to love and heal the little boy inside who had been so abused and hurt. I thought if I loved him deeply and completely enough, he would be healed. But, as has been previously stated, the pwBPD's need is a black hole that my love alone could never fill. The last year, his rages and anger and vindictiveness were terrible things to endure, once I had allowed him into my heart so completely. It broke me. I'm putting myself back together, little by little, piece by piece, but it's a slow process. I'm sorry if I sound a bit melodramatic, but the past few days have been hard. Feeling depressed and emotional.

[Zemmma]

All of this! This is the best thread ever. So accurate. I can't believe you have all experienced something so similar to me! And I love this:

Wicker Man: Right, which is what I refer to as the "paradox" of those suffering from BPD: They want love but behave in unloving fashion; they fear abandonment but drive those closest to them away; they seek peace but create chaos; they are ultra-sensitive to criticism yet judge others harshly; etc.

[/b]

WindofChange: Oh my goodness that you went out with an old friend! That SO would not fly. But I did that too, early days. Never heard the end of it. He would even get jealous if I went out with friends, my mom, or away with family. If I got too tied up with my kids to text him for a few hours. He was insanely jealous and would show up, like yours did when you were having dinner with a friend. But instead of telling me he was outside, he would listen to our conversation through the window or over the fence. He would read my phone when I was sleeping to see what I had said to the friend, to my sister, to my mother. He would break into my computer or briefcase and read my private journals. Then use everything against me. He would find things where there was nothing to be found. He almost went insane when I went to a Madonna costume party with my girlfriends and gay friends, because I wore a belt that said, "Boy Toy" a la Like a Virgin video. I was mid-40's and at it was a costume party! But he thought that I was having sex with everyone. (I was never unfaithful). I actually made a standing joke about his accusations, "I am only a whore for you." God. Talk about making light of a HUGE insult. His accusations had me at "whore"?

That's why WICKER MAN's statement above is so amazing. I thought of this so many times. How SENSITIVE he claimed to be, and yet so RUTHLESS. How protective he was of his daughter and sister, but how ATTACKING  to me. I was constantly defending myself and trying to tell him I am a good person. Why was that ever in question?

When he left he said he felt like a shell. Empty. Numb. This reminds me of the lack of self that you discussed above. How you said that this love was not meant to last. There was a children's story I used to think of. I used to tell him that I was trying desperately to fill his "bucket" with love, but there was a big hole in the bottom. It didn't matter how much I poured in. It wouldn't last. I feel we fill them with narcissistic supply at the beginning of the relationship but the supply runs out. They need something new and exciting. We lose our power to fill them. I told him early on in the relationship, "You used to hold me up, now you hold me up to the light to see the cracks."

Everything you have described in the posts above is so spot on. It really blows my mind. We think we are all such individuals, but we have lived something so similar.

Wicker Man:

Her hypersensitivity drew me to her --such a gifted artist.  She lives with one foot in a fantasy world and the other resting lightly in reality. So much of what I observed in her was paradoxical.  Briefly seeing the world through the eyes of someone who feels so much. It is as fascinating as it is sometimes frightening.  Beautiful and terrible, high and low, heaven and hell.  All polarized, binary and relentless. BPD is such an irony filled tragedy.  When someone who fears abandonment so deeply needs to protect themselves from love itself. It has been an incredible loss of innocence learning about BPD -having come to some level of understanding of her incredible pain.

--Fear and emptiness are her daily companions.

Yes, the sensitivity is the thing that I was drawn to. It is what made the attachment so strong, the sex so amazing (sigh... ). I remember walking into a restaurant once and it seemed that the sight of me hit him like a ton of bricks. I could see it in his face. Or he would perform his art and as he left the stage he would meet my eye and the intensity and emotion in his gaze would stop the whole world. I could feel his emotion so strongly.

But why if there is such a fear of abandonment, do they so easily abandon? I showed him repeatedly what unconditional love is. I was willing to take it all. The good and bad. I was willing to wait and forgive. Take him back countless times. Why if they are afraid to be alone do they leave?

And this: WindofChange

For me, I started into this relationship guarding my heart, as I have always tended to do. He broke down my barriers, broke them all down, until I allowed myself to be completely vulnerable to him. At first, it was amazing, beautiful, truly the most wonderful love of my entire life. He has the most beautiful smile, and can be so very generous and so loving in so many ways. But... .then his dark side began to show, occasionally. I wanted so much to love and heal the little boy inside who had been so abused and hurt. I thought if I loved him deeply and completely enough, he would be healed. But, as has been previously stated, the pwBPD's need is a black hole that my love alone could never fill. The last year, his rages and anger and vindictiveness were terrible things to endure, once I had allowed him into my heart so completely. It broke me.

My man once tried to tell me that there were two sides to him: the proper, professional one and the bad boy. But I caught that, and it was early on. I told him that I saw the good and proper side, but the other one was not a tradional "bad boy" but a little boy. Emotional, stubborn, immature, defiant. I had all of the language for this before ever knowing a thing about BPD or coming to this site. Why couldn't I give him the emotionally corrective experience that would heal him? I often told my friends he was emotionally 4 years old. How can a grown man be so under-developed?

WindofChange, I hope you don't abandon the idea of intense love over this man. I don't know how I will ever get over it either, but I am encouraged by a couple of things. First of all, this man showed me that I am capable of great and passionate love. That I can fall deeply in love in my 40's. That is encouraging. He showed me that intense love exists. In him. But also in me.

Then I think of all of the people on this board. Look at how intensely and passionately people here have loved. And they don't just walk away from the great love they have found. They cling to it and revere it and long for it after it has gone. There are many people that are passionate and romantic and loving that will give and stay unconditionally. People that will fight and struggle and be loyal for love. These people that have BPD tendencies have awoken love and desires that already exist in us. I don't think it would take someone that is so damaged to bring that out. That was just an unfortunate complement. That deep love is yours. It doesn't belong to the person who has carelessly hurt you. And it WAS careless. These people are adults, wounded or not. They are not completely unaware of their actions and they are not completely excused by past traumas. If you live long enough you will experience trauma and loss. We have to hold people somewhat accountable for their actions when they turn the abuse that was incurred on themselves onto others. Many of us did to a small extent, and that is what resulted in the discard.

We have to protect ourselves from people who are careless and mean. People who aren't able to look past their own pain or suffering enough to be able to see you, or to love.

Thank you all for your amazing insights. LuckyJim too, for your thoughts on the love/hate of a BPD (your posts are spot on too). Your words ring true for me. I DO think he loved me. But I know that came with the polar opposite of despising me (even calling me evil) that I tried so hard to overlook.

[WindofChange]

Zemmma, wow, the depths your ex went to in order to spy on you! How awful for you.  
It is still amazing to me how similar many of our stories are.  My ex was jealous over my time with family and female friends, too, and would question and accuse me every time I went anywhere, which wasn't very often, because I wanted to keep the peace. I once sent him a picture of my 21 year old son and myself at a restaurant together to prove that's where I was, and he actually accused me of taking that picture another time and pretending I had just taken it as a cover. Then I took a picture of my son holding the receipt up with the date on it and sent him that. You can imagine what my son thought about that! Ridiculous.
I really like what you have to say about how they showed us that we are capable of great love (and a wonderful, passionate, physical connection), and that having experienced it with them, we can experience it again (hopefully) in a healthy way. Maybe how I'm feeling right now is just a knee jerk reaction to the pain of trying to get over this relationship. You're right, I shouldn't close myself off from ever wanting to have, or searching for again, a great love with someone else. None of us should. I really like your insight that we still have that capability inside us, and they can't take that away, despite everything.

[Zemmma]

Yes! WindofChange. Your story about your son and the receipt!

If I didn't experience the past six years I would think that was such an ABSURD story. Ridiculous. Him not believing you. You having to provide evidence.

Lynna A that happened to me so many times in so many ways! And it WAS RIDICULOUS! Him demanding that. Me scrambling to go along with it to make him feel better. And to try to keep in his good books. To try to hold on to the magic between us. I participated in RIDICULOUS things! I am a reasonable, highly educated, emotionally stable person, but I engaged in this sort of thing with him. Blows my mind. He created a new (warped) normal. I entered his messed up world and participated in it. I guess I became his co-conspirator.

I work at a hospital and one day I was in patient's room and he called my cell. I shouldn't really pick up the phone at work but I did, because my shift was over and I was headed to see him. I answered using low voice tones because it is admittedly disrespectful to answer the phone when you are with a patient, in the patient's room. The patient was bed-ridden and non-verbal. I told him quickly that I was on my way, and would see him soon. My X knows my schedule- I am always at the hospital at that time.

When I got to his place literally 10 minutes later he approached me at the car. He accused me of being with another man. What? I'm going to go F another man right before coming to his place to see him? Schedule in sex with a man between my day job and my dinner plans with my boyfriend? He said I sounded strange on the phone and he didn't believe me. He said that he didn't believe I wouldn't pick up the phone in a patient's room. I remember getting out of the car feeling angry. I was sick of this sort of thing. I had never been unfaithful to him. HE actually WAS unfaithful in his previous relationship (marriage). I told him he had to stop accusing me of being with other men. I was so sick of it. I tried to put my foot down.

When I met his younger brother we all went out and at one point in the night he came back from the washroom and started screaming at the two of us, "What are you doing?" He thought we were touching legs and flirting. He thought HIS BROTHER and HIS GIRLFRIEND were going to hook up right before his eyes. He also once counted how many times I touched my hair when I was talking to his best friend. He did a lot of counting of different behaviours. More evidence to support his case against me.

This is a man with his own sense of reality. I can't tell you how many times I told him to stop making things up. Reasoning didn't work. Consistency over time didn't work. Nothing was ever resolved. He was easily hurt but often by things that weren't bad or even true. He put all of his crap on me and then exited. Blamed me and "the way we interact." Claims he doesn't have these problems with anyone else.

I know it is hard to imagine being with anyone other than the one you love. I myself would experience that intense passion again in a heartbeat, but I worry I will not fall that hard again. It snuck up on me and the circumstances of our meeting were the perfect conditions for falling hard. I don't seek drama but I want to feel that passion again. It has to exist outside of the madness! I did a google search during the first summer we were together, "Are crazy people better lovers?" I knew our chemistry was wild, but I thought there was something off about him. I shouldn't use the word crazy, I know... and he has never been diagnosed with anything to my knowledge... But his behaviour and thought patterns were crazed for certain. I hope I can have fireworks without the illogical, unreasonable, emotional dysregulation and darkness.

[WindofChange]

Zemmma: "I am a reasonable, highly educated, emotionally stable person, but I engaged in this sort of thing with him. Blows my mind. He created a new (warped) normal. I entered his messed up world and participated in it. I guess I became his co-conspirator." (Sorry, haven't figured out how to properly quote others on here yet.)

Yes, they pull us into their warped reality. It is truly crazy-making. It certainly was for me. I would scramble to prove my innocence, to reassure him I loved Only Him, to beg him to believe me. I look back on how I pleaded with him at times to not be angry and to just believe me, and I cringe. I can't believe that person was me. The lengths we go to in order to keep the peace, try to get back to being happy together... .

"When I got to his place literally 10 minutes later he approached me at the car. He accused me of being with another man. What? I'm going to go F another man right before coming to his place to see him? Schedule in sex with a man between my day job and my dinner plans with my boyfriend? He said I sounded strange on the phone and he didn't believe me."

Yes, yes, yes, the same kinds of conversations! I'd answer the phone at home in our apartment while he was out dropping off his child at her mother's. "Why do you sound like that? Is someone there?"
No, I was dozing off and half asleep.
 "That's not what it sounds like to me."
 Really? I'm going to have a man rush over for the 40 minutes you'll be gone and have sex? And then spend the rest of the day with you? His friend actually asked him once, and he shared it with me in a lucid moment, ":)o you really think she's that highly sexed?" Lol, I mean, come on. But again, it's good to know that others know what this feels like.

Like you, I don't want drama, but I do hope that it's possible to have that deep, passionate love someday with someone--after I grieve and process through all of this madness.

[SerendipityChild]

"Why do you sound like that? Is someone there?"

Same exact line from my ex. I was at work and was around co-workers and couldn't really talk. And I did not want to miss the call because I know he'd go nuts on me. I was too afraid to come home because I knew what was waiting for me... .another round of accusations from him and explanations from me. It was exhausting. Just thinking about this makes my head hurt.

[Drs204]

As I understand it, this is the tragedy that is BPD.  She craves love, needs love, but cannot allow herself to be loved.  She fears abandonment so deeply (she told me this in so many words) -but this fear presents itself in rage and creates a self fulfilling prophecy of abandonment.  I have incredible pity for her.  I cannot imagine what life must look and feel like through the lens of BPD.

This I have come to understand what BPD is. I now see this clearly with my xgfwBPD. I can see how mad it is and how it must be a living hell inside of her head. Once I understood this, all of her actions made sense. I forgave her for everything and do not hate her. Still though, I must walk away. She has a new man now (a month after breaking up with me... .) and the cycle will repeat itself.

[Nixie_3]

That's why WICKER MAN's statement above is so amazing. I thought of this so many times. How SENSITIVE he claimed to be, and yet so RUTHLESS. How protective he was of his daughter and sister, but how ATTACKING  to me. I was constantly defending myself and trying to tell him I am a good person. Why was that ever in question?

    This really resonated with me. My husband came to my work one day and I was having lunch in the break room and he got upset because there was a male coworker in there who got up and left shortly after my husband came. I don't understand how in his head that indicated something to be jealous of? He was sitting at another table and we weren't even talking. Like what? Am I not allowed to work with men? I just don't even understand, especially as I have never cheated and my husband knows that I was cheated on in my previous relationship and I told him how hurtful it was for him to make comments like he thinks I would when I was the one cheated on. And he's just gotten worse, one day not long ago he accused me of lying about being at work because I texted him right after I was done. He even wanted me to send a picture (which I did not), and then later said he thought it was earlier than it was. He didn't even apologize, it was like somehow in his head I was responsible for hurting myself rather than him hurting me with baseless accusations.
   And about the kindness and ruthlessness. I fell in love with him initially because he was so kind and thoughtful, but he is like to sides of a coin because the depths of his cruelty are as extreme as his kindness.  He will say terrible things to me and then say he is "just being honest" or I should know he is just angry and doesn't mean it.
   And yet, I am still having such a hard time letting go. Pretty much all of your posts sound so familiar to me, it is astonishing how similar our experiences are which is reassuring, yet sad.

[Lsmw88]

Wicker Man: Right, which is what I refer to as the "paradox" of those suffering from BPD: They want love but behave in unloving fashion; they fear abandonment but drive those closest to them away; they seek peace but create chaos; they are ultra-sensitive to criticism yet judge others harshly; etc.

LuckyJim

This quote is so true. The heartache really hurts. I wish it wouldn’t but it does I guess time is the only solution to that.

[eeps]

wow, everything in this thread!
it's amazing how similar so many of our stories are. and also so heartbreaking. i find myself reading here multiple times a day, it is so helpful to me right now, but often feel too fatigued by it all to type out all the thoughts and feelings i want to share with you all. i'm sorry. i guess that's where i'm at right now, perhaps if i can manage NC for a bit longer i'll have more energy.

my heart breaks for all of us. this is really difficult!