accepting the diagnosis, SIL with BPD

[grammyb]

My daughter has been with her husband 12 years. They have 3 young children. My daughter recently got an RFA (relief from abuse) against her husband after he once again threw things right by her (a wooden bike for one). She told him she was going to call the police, her daughter (4 in Nov), who she thought was in bed heard her from the top of the stairs, frightened that my daughter was going to call the police. My daughter took my granddaughter into her bedroom and while my son in law was ranting and raving (with their 21 month old twins sleeping), she blocked the door with a night table. He broke in and tried to grab my granddaughter. My daughter has a temper as well, but has been putting up with this out of control behavior for years. She is now separated from him, but convinced he has BPD, she is trying to heed all the suggestions offered about validating his feelings, etc. My husband and I who have treated our son in law like a son, are VERY angry. We want to support our daughter, but are so sad she has to deal with this situation. They went to their 1st marriage counseling session (a person he picked), and although my daughter liked the person, he is refusing to go back because he got so out of control, the therapist was concerned for my daughter's safety and met with them separately. All my daughter wants to do is to live in peace and have her children live in a house without conflict. He has had a lot of trauma in the last 4 years, he was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy and has a defibrillator (although his heart function has greatly improved), his father died suddenly 6 moths ago, and his best friend died 3 weeks ago. When he was served with the RFA, he sent my daughter over 300 texts (most vile, threatening to kill himself and leave notes for the kids blaming my daughter for his suicide). He is in complete denial about his threatening behavior. We went to where she lives right after this happened, and are now going back to rent a place nearby for a month. I never felt so helpless in my life, and I don't really know how to deal with someone who may have BPD, has NO awareness of it, and blames my daughter for everything. i am not sure anyone will take the time to read this ,much less offer suggestions, but it does help to just vent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Oh grammyb, let me firstly welcome you here and secondly say how very sorry I am to hear of what has brought you here. You most definitely need a big hug 

I am glad that it helped you some to vent, this is a safe place for doing just that.

You say that your daughter and SIL are separated but they are trying marriage counselling, have I got that correct? Do you think that your daughter might benefit from coming to this site? There are relationship boards here and if she is wanting to improve her relationship with your SIL she might find the Bettering Board here useful.

As to you not knowing how to deal with someone who has BPD, there is much to learn on this site that will help you. I understand how you want to help your daughter and you can do that by being there for her and supporting her as you so clearly are already doing. Learn as much as you can about BPD along with your daughter.

Also, may I add, please look after yourself too, that is most important x