I'm afraid I have BPD and I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

[thelastfox]

BPD, bipolar, ASPD, anxiety, alcoholism and depression all run in my family. I am diagnosed with Bipolar I and anxiety. I take meds for those and since getting my meds reworked and having stopped drinking they really seem to be helping. I am a 28 year old female with a twin brother, a living father, a and deceased mother. I have a large extended family who all love me a lot, and this makes me feel all the more guilty.

I have never been diagnosed with BPD but feel that I have it. Especially due to the dysphoria and the rapid mood swings that the bipolar medication doesn't fix. Sometimes I say very hurtful things that I regret later. I create chaos without meaning to; all I'm grappling for is a handhold, and the pain I feel quite often is immense. Again, since quitting drinking and getting my meds more under control, the pain has abated quite a bit.

But the main thing is this: I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I don't want to be the family failure, 28 years old without a bachelor's degree and a drug addict beside it. But the most important thing: I don't want to hurt anyone, especially my brother and my father. i wish I'd had the right things to say to my mother while she was still alive.



What advice do you have for someone who doesn't want to share their pain with the others around them anymore? I will admit, as an (alleged) borderline the pain I have felt is immense. Sometimes it's felt like someone is tearing the heart out of my chest and I can't stand it a second longer. But nor can I continue making life difficult for my brother and my dad and the rest of my family. They worry about me all the time. I would just like them to know that I'm okay, and they don't have to worry, and we don't have to yell anymore. That we can be a "normal" family.

[thelastfox]

BPD, bipolar, ASPD, anxiety, alcoholism and depression all run in my family. I am diagnosed with Bipolar I and anxiety. I take meds for those and since getting my meds reworked and having stopped drinking they really seem to be helping. I am a 28 year old female with a twin brother, a living father, a and deceased mother. I have a large extended family who all love me a lot, and this makes me feel all the more guilty.

I have never been diagnosed with BPD but feel that I have it. Especially due to the dysphoria and the rapid mood swings that the bipolar medication doesn't fix. Sometimes I say very hurtful things that I regret later. I create chaos without meaning to; all I'm grappling for is a handhold, and the pain I feel quite often is immense. Again, since quitting drinking and getting my meds more under control, the pain has abated quite a bit.

But the main thing is this: I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I don't want to be the family failure, 28 years old without a bachelor's degree and a drug addict beside it. But the most important thing: I don't want to hurt anyone, especially my brother and my father. i wish I'd had the right things to say to my mother while she was still alive.



What advice do you have for someone who doesn't want to share their pain with the others around them anymore? I will admit, as an (alleged) borderline the pain I have felt is immense. Sometimes it's felt like someone is tearing the heart out of my chest and I can't stand it a second longer. But nor can I continue making life difficult for my brother and my dad and the rest of my family. They worry about me all the time. I would just like them to know that I'm okay, and they don't have to worry, and we don't have to yell anymore. That we can be a "normal" family.

I realize that I may have posted this in the wrong section -- sorry about that!

[snowglobe]

I realize that I may have posted this in the wrong section -- sorry about that!

Dear @Thelastfox,
I’m sorry you feel hurt and dissatisfaction with yourself. Can you please tell us a little about yourself and why you think you might have BPD? Have you been diagnosed?

[thelastfox]

Dear @Thelastfox,
I’m sorry you feel hurt and dissatisfaction with yourself. Can you please tell us a little about yourself and why you think you might have BPD? Have you been diagnosed?

No, I have never been diagnosed with BPD but I wonder if that is because I have the "quiet" kind of the disorder. I have read that there are those with BPD who are "louder", more aggressive -- and then there are the "quieter" ones, the "waif-life" ones, the ones who struggle to keep their heads above water and who cling to others because they are unsure if they can survive by themselves. I wasn't always like this, but I have become this way in recent years. (I am 28 now.)

I am clingy, and I also find myself "splitting" with certain people -- although, admittedly, it's more frequently a "negative" split than a "positive" one and it's usually just with a handful of people. Frequently it's with a relative who I find to be callous and mean-spiriited and insensitive. I try my hardest not to "split" her, but it's so hard. I just wish she'd be kinder.

Also, sometimes my mood swings become extreme and cannot be explained by the bipolar. They can switch in hours, minutes, sometimes days, and are usually extremely unpleasant. I am also impulsive.

I have brought this up with two or three (can't remember) psychologists/psychiatrists and they have all said that they do not believe I have BPD -- but couldn't this be because I was so afraid of getting a BPD diagnosis that I unconsciously hid my BPD characteristics from them?

[Harri]

I am very sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you right now, and it is great to see you reaching out for help and support - a very brave and scary thing to do!

Unfortunately, our site is geared towards helping people who have a person with BPD in their life.  Many of the posts can be quite triggering to a BPD sufferer.  There are resources of the type you're seeking. Please check out Resources for BPD Sufferers. 

I would also like to encourage you to talk talk again with a psychologist/psychiatrist and perhaps list out all the behaviors you feel indicate a diagnosis of BPD.  Self-awareness is very important as is family support.  The most important though is a desire to get better and a willingness to do the hard work.  It sounds to me like all of those things apply in your situation.  Even if you do not get a diagnosis of BPD you can still benefit from therapies like DBT which are designed to help people with BPD but also can help others.