New Here, wife just diagnosed, feeling anxiety

[Stevesum]

Hi everyone.  I was just referred to this site from a book I m reading.  My wife is BPD.  I have known something was going on for about three years now.  The explosive anger at me for the smallest of things, the lack of patience, the denial that she has a part of the blame, the constant pointing the finger at me that I m the cause of all of her issues etc.  I really was beginning to think I was her problem.  I know i m not perfect but i m a good man and love my wife immensely.  About two months ago she stormed out of the house and was texting me very serious threats to her own well being.  I called the police and reported her as missing.  When she did come home the police and paramedics gave her a stern talking to and that was when she decided to seek help.  She just today finished psychological testing but her psychologist is very sure she is at least Borderline.  She is struggling to get a grip on this diagnosis and knows something is not right with her.  I live daily as it is said walking on eggshells.  Every text, call or message from her brings anxiety to my stomach.  I m having a very hard time dealing with this.  We start couples counseling tonight.  Wish me luck.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Stevesum and

it can be a real breath of fresh air to learn that there are answers and explanations for the struggles we are experiencing. as sorry as i am for the circumstances that brought you here, im glad you found us. there is hope. and a good, strong support system is so critical in these relationships.

its interesting that stop walking on eggshells led you here, it has for many members, and it makes for good working background and a place to build from. what led you to the book and the suspicion of BPD?

how did the first session of couples counseling go?

[livednlearned]

I admire you for calling 911 and looking out for her safety, Stevesum. And her courage in trying to get her head around her new diagnosis is admirable, too. That's a scary time for anyone, to be open and vulnerable to a diagnosis. I hope she doesn't try to understand the dx by reading about it on the Internet  People can be pretty mean out there about BPD.

Are you both in therapy separately?

[Stevesum]

I have been in counseling separately from my wife until this week.  Our first couples session went very well.  Therapist wants us to use “the benefit of doubt” thought process.  My wife blames me for everything that she sees as wrong or she feels lacks thought process.  Situation occurred about a month or so ago when we moved our daughter into her college apartment.  I signed her up online for her cable tv.  Wife and I discussed the packages and prices and we determined which one to get.  We got the basic because our daughter uses the computer more then watches tv.  Last week my daughter says her channels are not working so my wife tries to help her out.  Well in her mind I screwed up twice.  First, I could not remember if I used my daughters SS number or phone number to begin login.  According to my wife that was not responsible of me not to remember.  Secondly, she claims that chose the cheaper package because I did not review all of the packages and when she called Comcast, they offered a better channel package for near the same price as I signed her up for with many more channels.  My wife was so angry with me.  I explained we went through the packages and I did not see the one she changed to nor did I remember what I used to sign her up, SS# or phone number.  Therapist asked my wife how do you think that makes your husband feel?  She said it would cause anxiety.  Yes it does!  Now therapist wants us to assume that what hear or see our partner do, is with best intentions and give each other the benefit of the doubt. 

My wife has been reading a lot on the internet and it is scaring her.  I try to reassure her that I do not think she is crazy and that I m not going anywhere.

I found the book by just searching Amazon.  I knew I had to learn how to deal with this because I have my own anxiety issues which I have gotten pretty good control of by meditating and using mindfulness.

[livednlearned]

Benefit of the doubt sounds like a really good skill! We could all use that one 

Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning is one of the more helpful skill-based books, I found. Beyond Borderline: True Stories of Recovery from BPD is also a good one.

You may want to also read everything you can about emotional validation, a priceless skill that is rooted in empathy, and focuses on the emotional intention at the heart of what is being said. Creating a validating environment for a loved one with BPD is important to recovery.

How does your wife respond when you tell her you think she's not crazy?

[Stevesum]

She finds it hard to believe me.  I explain to her that I do not see her any differently than I did 20 years ago.  I explain that I am here to help her and not judge her.

[once removed]

I explain to her that I do not see her any differently than I did 20 years ago.  I explain that I am here to help her and not judge her.

good. try to put this in action, as well. people with BPD can be hypervigilant about perceived signs of abandonment or impending abandonment. she may see innocuous or innocent events as "proof". anticipate this. you cant completely remove these fears and doubts, but consistency and reassurance (without JADEing) can go a long way.

My wife blames me for everything that she sees as wrong or she feels lacks thought process. 
... .
Therapist asked my wife how do you think that makes your husband feel?  She said it would cause anxiety. 

people with BPD are also highly reactive to their emotions... .its a react first, ask questions later kinda thing, and its difficult to put yourself in someone elses shoes in that state. this will be a great skill for her to learn, though it may be difficult for it to 'take' quickly, she will have to learn to challenge her instincts immediate assumptions, which is hard to do for anyone. its a great sign, that upon reflection, shes able to begin to see things from your perspective.

i would second the suggestion by livednlearned of learning about emotional validation. it can help build emotional connection, and by extension, trust.