ouch . a lot of well intentioned advice isnt helpful, or is even hurtful. when i was going through my breakup and trying to communicate what id been through, i heard similar things, and it was really frustrating. im glad you found us. there is hope.
Indeed! If anything, trying to get others to understand has only left me feeling
more isolated.
a diagnosis is a double edged sword. its so relieving to learn that there is a name for many of the struggles in our relationship, that we can better educate ourselves and develop new, healthier strategies for coping. it can also cause a lot of upheaval for our partners. theres a lot of stigma around the disorder (or any disorder). its not an easy pill to swallow. and there can be a lot of fear, and scary emotions, some of which you may see, some of which may be under the surface. its an upward trajectory, its just that it can be a bumpy one.
what were the events leading up to his diagnosis? how is he taking it, is he accepting of it? how are you taking it?
Well, h is already scared of his emotions, so,
But seriously, he seems to be as relieved by the official diagnosis as I am. He says that things make more sense to him now than before. I hope that's true but I've heard him say such things before. Like they say, the proof is in the pudding - he has to
show that he gets it by applying this new knowledge and coping mechanisms in his real life. That's the part that I'm still waiting to see.
He actually asked me last night whether I thought he was doing better and I told him that he seems somewhat calmer until we start talking about him taking up his responsibilities again. Then the anxiety levels start to rise. One of his primary issues is that he keeps himself isolated - he doesn't talk about what he has to do and certainly not about how he's feeling and I still see him struggling with that.
Like I've said before/elsewhere here, he's been in therapy for depression for around five years now. It's all been very unsuccessful until recently. We've been working together with his third therapist now after his last one just gave up on him and said there was nothing she could do for him. His current therapist, though, seemed to be working somewhat, though any progress made was definitely a one step forward, two steps back situation. Still, some cracks in h's armor were showing, and it was one night when he told me that a particular song ("Happy Camper" by Strapping Young Lads of all things) helped me realize that maybe something else was going on besides "just" depression and anxiety.
H said that the song mirrored how chaotic he felt all the time - shifting up and down and very intense expressions of everything. I had
never heard him say anything like that before. So, I got him to tell me a little more and I did some research on the internet and that's when I discovered that BPD exists. That was six weeks ago. (Side note: I mentioned what I had learned to his therapist who at least listened, but did nothing to change his approach at the time.)
Soon after, h bottomed out with his depression and he refused to come home from work. Every interaction between us was tense and nearly guaranteed to turn into a fight. I was seriously thinking of trying to get away from him - and I mean for good. We were both at breaking points. So, when he refused to come home, I called our local crisis hotline (I have had to call them twice before when he's threatened to hurt himself) and they got him to go to one of their crisis centers. He was put on a 72 hour psychiatric hold and placed in a local hospital. After just one meeting with their psychiatrist, he was given the diagnosis of BPD. That was 4 weeks ago, now.
When h told me he had a new diagnosis, I nearly jumped for joy - I had been right!
H's attitude in the hospital seemed an entire 180 degree turn from his usual. I hadn't seen him that positive and, dare I say, cheerful in a while. He's had "episodes" in the past, sure, but they'd only last long enough for me to start to believe that we could move forward again and then he'd have another blow up and go back to being sullen, silent and depressed. So, I've learned not to trust those times.
I'm so desperate to have any kind of life again - to be able to move forward and grow and enjoy things again. I really want to believe that we are genuinely on the right path now and I'm trying to do all that I can to make this a successful journey but it's going to take time for all of this to sink in - it's all very new to both of us. H says he's grateful that I finally have access to information that can help me understand what he's going through, and so am I, but, I feel that I have to remain somewhat skeptical about any kind of "getting better" until I see some actual shift in his behavior and stop seeing these same bad habits and patterns repeat themselves.
