how do you heal from this

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So... .I was with my ex for close to 10 years. I loved him something awful. Perhaps I still do?

After the first 8 years, all living together, we kind of broke up. He entrapped me again when he got hit by a car (while walking), had no place to stay, and I took him in again because he was homeless (making himself seem dependent and helpless so I would feel obligated to "save him" was a nice strategy of his, for years.) The 9th year we were still together, but he lived in shed in the same time. So, last year, I was able to do more things for me. Just two months ago, he blew me off for a happy hour beer date and sent a long email about how if I wasn't willing to buy him (still homeless, living in a shack) dinner every time we met up, then I wasn't worth meeting anymore. This was after 10 years of me paying 100 percent of the rent, food, and beer. I waivered between sending him an angry email, but opted for silence instead. So... .NC 2 months.

I am 35 now, and feeling like I am somehow starting up my life again where I left off 10 years ago. I am finally living for me again. It's a refreshing feeling, and I feel good about it... .relatively happy with where I am in life. Except only the ticking biological clock thing. Do I want kids? I feel ambivalent. But, time could make that choice for me if I do not.

Anyway, this last week has been really triggering from me - with the Dr Ford/Kavanaugh ___e in the news. My ex was highly emotionally abusive. He was physically abusive.

Lately, I have been feeling a depth of lonlieness I have not felt in a long time. I have a million acquaintences, but no friends. I have no one to talk to. I miss friendship. I also miss the companionship of my ex. When things were good, he would hold me as I fell asleep at night. I have nightmares and trauma from childhood, that have never gone away. He was always a comforting presence for me in the nighttime and a companionable presense. (Also, it was horrible and he broke my heard to pieces at least once a month. In the end, I think, not worth it.) Just started seeing a therapist for the first time in my life, but an hour a week is not much. And it is unpacking lots of hard ___e as well. I have trauma from my childhood and BPD mother. I am living with said mother, currently, caring for my (saintly and amazing) father who has alzhiemers. It is HARD, to say the least.

In the 7-9th years of my relationship with my ex, I saw other people. Yet, lately, I realized that I have not had sex in more than a year - the absolute longest break for me since I was 15. I am lonely. Online dating is hard for me. I tried, but I can't. I am only attracted to people if I know them in real life and am friends with them. (ambisexual, they are calling it, i suppose) My long term friends are all busy. No one is available to hang out - even for beers and such. I want friends to talk to and drink beers with. I want somebody to cuddle with. I have friends from work - new acquaintences, really - who I could connect with, and I am working on that. But, making friends as an adult is slow-going. Also, I work a job that has aspects of manual labor and is largely worked by men, so there is also the factor of me having to prove myself and my ability every day while combatting sexism and the patriatchy pretty much all the time (stressful AF in the long run. it feels like a battle every day.)

Sometimes, I think about calling my ex again. We have been on friend level for about a year prior to his last incident. I still love him. I always will. But, with the Ford/Kavanaugh ___ especially, I realize I have NOT processed a lot of the trauma from my relationship. NOT at all. I compartmentalize, in general, and also when I have a busy work wee... .and then as soon as I have a proper day off and a good sleep, I turn into a weird nightmare-having, shakey, teared up, heart-achey, sobby mess. After about a half day of this, I can usually refresh and be a real person again... .but I am not sure if I just compartmentalized everything again until I overload again next week or what. It doesn't feel like I properly got through all the things I needed to. It's not just him I am upset about. It is childhood issues, HIM, daily work stress, the omnipresence of the patriarchy, and watching the world slowly burn. But, also I miss him. I miss drinking beers and talking, sleeping in his arms, watching sci fi together. We stopped with the sex years ago (his choice, another great way to manipulate me). But, i miss the companionship and support he gave me in lots of ways. He also destroyed me in lots of ways, with his episodes of emotional abuse and physical violence (though i AM bigger and stronger than him, by far, as a lifetime of manual labor jobs will do to a person).

I don't know how to be, how to heal, how to pull myself together. This is all so hard.

What? This post has no cohesion - a meandery mess of half formed thoughts and feelings. I guess that is how i feel, though. I feel lost. I feel lonely. I feel broken.

How do yall get through this? How does one heal from trauma? I think I am holding stuff together outwardly, but inside I am a terrible mess. It's so f*cking hard. Any tips?

[pseudotsuga]

So... .I was with my ex for close to 10 years. I loved him something awful. Perhaps I still do?

After the first 8 years, all living together, we kind of broke up. He entrapped me again when he got hit by a car (while walking), had no place to stay, and I took him in again because he was homeless (making himself seem dependent and helpless so I would feel obligated to "save him" was a nice strategy of his, for years.) The 9th year we were still together, but he lived in shed in the same time. So, last year, I was able to do more things for me. Just two months ago, he blew me off for a happy hour beer date and sent a long email about how if I wasn't willing to buy him (still homeless, living in a shack) dinner every time we met up, then I wasn't worth meeting anymore. This was after 10 years of me paying 100 percent of the rent, food, and beer. I waivered between sending him an angry email, but opted for silence instead. So... .NC 2 months.

I am 35 now, and feeling like I am somehow starting up my life again where I left off 10 years ago. I am finally living for me again. It's a refreshing feeling, and I feel good about it... .relatively happy with where I am in life. Except only the ticking biological clock thing. Do I want kids? I feel ambivalent. But, time could make that choice for me if I do not.

Anyway, this last week has been really triggering from me - with the Dr Ford/Kavanaugh ___e in the news. My ex was highly emotionally abusive. He was physically abusive.

Lately, I have been feeling a depth of lonlieness I have not felt in a long time. I have a million acquaintences, but no friends. I have no one to talk to. I miss friendship. I also miss the companionship of my ex. When things were good, he would hold me as I fell asleep at night. I have nightmares and trauma from childhood, that have never gone away. He was always a comforting presence for me in the nighttime and a companionable presense. (Also, it was horrible and he broke my heard to pieces at least once a month. In the end, I think, not worth it.) Just started seeing a therapist for the first time in my life, but an hour a week is not much. And it is unpacking lots of hard ___e as well. I have trauma from my childhood and BPD mother. I am living with said mother, currently, caring for my (saintly and amazing) father who has alzhiemers. It is HARD, to say the least.

In the 7-9th years of my relationship with my ex, I saw other people. Yet, lately, I realized that I have not had sex in more than a year - the absolute longest break for me since I was 15. I am lonely. Online dating is hard for me. I tried, but I can't. I am only attracted to people if I know them in real life and am friends with them. (ambisexual, they are calling it, i suppose) My long term friends are all busy. No one is available to hang out - even for beers and such. I want friends to talk to and drink beers with. I want somebody to cuddle with. I have friends from work - new acquaintences, really - who I could connect with, and I am working on that. But, making friends as an adult is slow-going. Also, I work a job that has aspects of manual labor and is largely worked by men, so there is also the factor of me having to prove myself and my ability every day while combatting sexism and the patriatchy pretty much all the time (stressful AF in the long run. it feels like a battle every day.)

Sometimes, I think about calling my ex again. We have been on friend level for about a year prior to his last incident. I still love him. I always will. But, with the Ford/Kavanaugh ___ especially, I realize I have NOT processed a lot of the trauma from my relationship. NOT at all. I compartmentalize, in general, and also when I have a busy work wee... .and then as soon as I have a proper day off and a good sleep, I turn into a weird nightmare-having, shakey, teared up, heart-achey, sobby mess. After about a half day of this, I can usually refresh and be a real person again... .but I am not sure if I just compartmentalized everything again until I overload again next week or what. It doesn't feel like I properly got through all the things I needed to. It's not just him I am upset about. It is childhood issues, HIM, daily work stress, the omnipresence of the patriarchy, and watching the world slowly burn. But, also I miss him. I miss drinking beers and talking, sleeping in his arms, watching sci fi together. We stopped with the sex years ago (his choice, another great way to manipulate me). But, i miss the companionship and support he gave me in lots of ways. He also destroyed me in lots of ways, with his episodes of emotional abuse and physical violence (though i AM bigger and stronger than him, by far, as a lifetime of manual labor jobs will do to a person).

I don't know how to be, how to heal, how to pull myself together. This is all so hard.

What? This post has no cohesion - a meandery mess of half formed thoughts and feelings. I guess that is how i feel, though. I feel lost. I feel lonely. I feel broken.

How do yall get through this? How does one heal from trauma? I think I am holding stuff together outwardly, but inside I am a terrible mess. It's so f*cking hard. Any tips?

[Lady Itone]

10 years is a long time. It's bound to feel wierd/bad, even if you know he's not the man who will ultimately help or allow you to be your best self. It's normal to miss him, I think, even if he wasn't much good to you in real life.

I'm 4 months out of 2 1/2 year on-again-off-again same-sex relationship with a woman who at one point lived in a tent in my yard because of her homelessness and poverty.

The kavanaugh mess is absolutely disgusting, I think millions of women and many men are feeling equally lost, hurt, and revolted. And I hear what you're saying about a constant battle against male privilege. It's honestly part of the reason I've been more into women lately (I'm bisexual, technically.) I'm tired of having to explain to men.

I also identify with your feelings of loneliness. I see other people in happy relationships, and I despair that I can't seem to find that. Trying to make new friends, online dating, it is all exhausting. Maybe you can use online dating to make new friends? I've done that a lot, gone out with someone I met online but wasn't attracted, so we became friends instead. With you, you can do so with the caveat that down the road, you might GET attracted. That's happened to me before, too. One guy I was friends with for a year before I dated him 8 months.

I think the only advice anyone can give is, you know, exercise, get out in nature, take up a new hobby, continue your therapy, get a pet, meditate... .Sadly, there's just no easy fix for this kind of pain. Keep talking, to us, to your therapist, maybe even to acquaintances you'd like to turn into friends. And don't call your ex. It's unlikely to be a satisfying experience.

[NotsurewhoIam]

I'm 5 days in ... .so I hear you.  But remember you miss the fantasy of what you could have had if he had been "normal" rather than what you actually did have.  I haven't started doing this yet, but I am planning on making a list of everything he did, good and bad and analyzing it, because I think it's important to remember that it wasn't ALL bad, but to remember that it WAS bad also and that some of the good stuff was done so they could get away with the bad stuff.

It IS very hard meeting new people as an adult.  Maybe try a new hobby, go to a paint night, see if there are any support groups in your area that meet in person.  Just having a friend who can listen can make a HUGE difference.

HUGS

[Baglady]

Hi Pseudo,

Just wanted to sent out a virtual supportive hug    I hear you on the friend front - everyone is just so busy with their lives/current friend groups etc.  It is definitely hard to make new friends as an adult so it's nothing specific to you if that is any comfort.

Some things that are working for me:

1) I joined a support group for women coming out of abusive relationships and I'm slowly developing some friendships through that.  These people really get where I'm coming from.
2) I'm taking a very hands on class - I think that you have to consistently meet people with shared interests over an extended period of time to develop friendships - so hoping this pans out and hey I get to learn about something that I'm interested in as a bonus
3) The number one source of comfort to me as I heal is my brand-new kitty!  She is such and unbelievable comfort to me.  If you can swing getting an animal to love and who will love you back unconditionally - I highly recommend it.  The nights are far less lonely with a little kitty in my bed and given that I'm no where near dealing with the idea of online dating after a 21 marriage and a hellishly abusive break up - it helps to have a very non-demanding creature to foist some love and attention upon as I sort out my life and heal.  I also hear that dog owners have a great way to develop some friendships via walks etc. if they are more your bag.

Somedays I so wish that this community wasn't virtual.  I think there are some fascinating people online here that I would give my right arm to hang out with!

Warmly,
B

[MeandThee29]

It seems impossible, but take it bit-by-bit. As you take each step forward, it will indeed get better.

I found that some people that I thought were friends really weren't, and some that I wasn't close to really cared and grasped at some level what I was going through.

I go to a group for codependents, and it's refreshing to find so many other women with messy lives. We actually joke about that.

You won't know until you try. It's OK to get a little scuffed up in the process.