surfrgrl, you are a kind and caring partner. You have come to the right place for guidance. This site has tools to help you.
Is your partner being seen for her agoraphobia? I take it that she has an official diagnosis of BPD. What you describe is very common in BPDs, and that is why they are so hard to get into treatment and have success.
Don't be down on yourself for wanting self care. Having a BPD partner is trying, to say the least.
Look at some communication tools on this site. Check under the tab "Tools." This is at the top of the page. You will find some ideas to help you and also your BPD partner.
I am reading, "The Essential Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells."
https://www.amazon.com/Essential-Family-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/dp/1592853633Above all, and perhaps hardest of all, don't take your partner's actions personally. Let us know what you think of the tools.