My daughter, asks for help while restricting me from helping

[Jennabell]

I am so desperate to help my daughter. I feel like she is asking for help and simultaneously restricting me from doing so. Mixed messages make no sense and I am exhausted. She is 20.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.

I am sorry your daughter is having such a hard time.  It is so hard when they ask for help while making it almost impossible to do so.

What sort of behaviors are causing the most difficulty for you both?  Is she in therapy?  Are you able to focus on taking care of you and your needs as well?

Sorry to hit you with so many questions.  I am trying to get a better understanding of your situation.  As you feel more comfortable and read the articles we have I hope you will settle in and ask questions and post.  We can all relate and we understand.

[Jennabell]

Hi Harri,
Thank you for replying.
She is binge eating and her weight seems to rule our lives. She is so angry, and swings between accusing me of trying to problem solve for her and then not being a good mom because I don't sympathise with her, and I should just validate her, but she needs help to lose weight, and then says I cause her anxiety because she can't lose weight. Its just a nightmare.
She seeks independence and asks me to stand back, and then accuses me of leaving her at the most important times, as she is not ready to be an adult, and needs my support.
The anxiety/lack of friends/ weight/inability to accept change/anger are the main things, but the inconsistency and contradictions confuse me.
She sees a psychologists, which at the moment seems to be rehashing so many old problems... .
I have not shared this with anyone as I want to protect her, but my frustration is huge.
 

[bluek9]

  Hi Jennabell,

   Man do I hear you! The first and best book I read was "I hate you, don't leave me" talk about hitting the nail on the head. It was like reading my D's story. Really helped me to understand why she does that THING come help me, then no don't, I can fix it myself. 
Talk about confusing? I never knew how she was going to come off.
  My D is very over weight, an emotional eater, sweet tooth, diabetic. At first I gave loving encouragement, tried to involve her in menu planning, took her grocery shopping with me, asked her to go for walks with me. All I got was quit trying to make me skinny, why can't you love me how I am. Oh my gosh. Finally I said listen we are both diabetic, I'm not buying junk or sweets. You're 36 if you feel you would like help or encouragement I'm here, other wise you make your own choices.
   Does your D live with you? She is right it can be very scary for a BPD person to think about being an adult. There is a big difference for us as parents between supporting them and protecting them. I'm sorry that you are walking the fine line of figuring this out Jennabell.    You are in the right place, for yourself     a place of support and understanding of what you are going through. We are here for you in all the turmoil, hard times and good times.

[Harri]

Hi again.  Sharing here is safe for you and her.  We care and can support you as you work your way through this.  I am glad you shared here as it can be such a release of pressure for you.

It is so hard, if not impossible to not get frustrated when she is making things so much harder for herself while blaming you.  

Have you had a chance to check out the articles listed over on the right hand side of the page yet?  Here is a link to several articles that you may find helpful for understanding what is going on with your daughter: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114267.msg1125525#msg1125525  I find that understanding the behaviors allows me to depersonalize them to an extent.  That then allows me to get in a better position to help myself and my loved one.  

Other than here, what sort of support do you have for you?