For some reason missing her, don't know what to do

[Drs204]

For some reason today on the drive home from a stressful work day I found myself actually missing my xgfwBPD. Ugh. I don't know what to do.

She broke up with me about 3 months ago now. May Long was about the last time I saw her... .it is September Long now so maybe that is why I am thinking of her; have not seen her all summer.  She broke up with me the 1st week of June.

Said she was too busy with her new job and the kids. She is a widow and the kids are from her late husband. This is in addition to what I believe to be BPD and she is undiagnosed or never told me.

About a month or a bit more after she broke up with me, blocked me on FB as she "was in a relationship with so-and-so".  A friend told me. It tore my heart out. Of course I was angry about it as well. I said goodbye to her in an email and text "as I know about the new guy and why could you not re-instate our realtionship if you wanted one" and so on. Lots of questions to which I never got an answer. She called me a horrible evil person. Her last text was "I met the guy two weeks ago (this is a week after I found out) so shove my cheating on you up your @ss". Ya, she said some rather harsh words. I think another sign of BPD is jumping into a relationship quickly. Ours began fairly quickly as well; and ended about as fast.

After I put it all together, BPD became very clear. About 3 weeks ago now I sent her a text saying "I forgive you" etc and "if you want to talk I am here and I will talk with you." Of course there has been no reply as I am sure she has my number blocked now as well, and probably email too.

The good times were good times. I was happy with her. I enjoyed being with her and her kids. I felt like we were the family I never had. I got along with her boys and and they liked me too. I feel sorry for them as I am sure they wonder what happened to me. And this new guy... .that won't last either... .and maybe another one after that... .and one and on. Makes me feel sad thinking about it.

I feel like contacting her again, but I am sure it will never get to her as I am sure she has all communication methods blocked. I do miss her.

Am I the crazy one? There were some rough times too, lots of stonewalling, gaslighting, and all the other things that come with BPD. No cutting or that sort of thing though. I would consider her high functioning quiet BPD. Yet I would want her back in my life and try and help her. But I am sure it will never be.

The complete NC thing is very hard. I did just read a bit on Low Contact which is not as hard as NC. Should I send her a text or email saying "I hope you are doing well" and "I miss you"? Probably not.

 I find myself trying to say things that I would say to her, mainly "why" and "what do you want" (a question she could never answer... .Lack Of Self... .one of the BPD things... .).

Ugh. This is hard. Probably best off to NC. I feel so horrible about this. It sucks.

[Lady Itone]

The complete NC thing is very hard. I did just read a bit on Low Contact which is not as hard as NC. Should I send her a text or email saying "I hope you are doing well" and "I miss you"? Probably not.

Definitely not. She ended things with you. She's in a new relationship. Last time you contacted her with accusations and hurt feelings, it went badly. I'd also like to point out that when someone blocks you, it definitely does mean you should try to find other avenues to reach out to them--I've been very frustrated by my ex doing that, making me have to resort to more drastic methods of being unreachable.

You missing her does not mean you should reach out to her. Just miss her, it's ok, it's normal! It will pass in time, faster if you focus on yourself and find hobbies, friendships, projects, etc. to fill your mind.

Pardon me if you've talked about this here before and I just missed it, but how long was the relationship? You say you were only FWB? Did you consider it a casual relationship? Was that your choice, or hers?

Sorry you miss her. I often miss my exgfBPD I was with her on and off nearly 3 years, have been low contact 4 months (I'm the one who ended it) and sometimes it knocks the wind out of me how badly I miss her. But I also know how it would end if I were I to summon her back into my life: more broken dishes, more ridiculous battles, more calls to 911... .

Hang in there, friend.

[JNChell]

Hey there, DRS204. I’m sorry that you’re feeling down over the loss of your ex. These types of relationships can be very emotionally charged. Coming down from them is hard. I empathize with you for also being forced to walk away from her children that you had developed feelings for. My ex has a daughter that I was developing a relationship with. I also have a very young son with my ex. It feels so odd at times to not be with both of the kids together. My ex and I are as LC as we can possibly be with respect to our parenting situation. Written correspondence with emergency contacts in place. If I could be complete NC with her, I would.

I would consider her high functioning quiet BPD. Yet I would want her back in my life and try and help her.

This is a noble thing to say. It’s clear that you care about her. The thing is, BPD or not, we can’t help those that don’t want it. Before help can even be administered, acceptance is required by her. Her only responses to you have been volatile. Do you feel that these are the reactions of someone seeking help?

I have to echo Lady Itone here. Do not attempt to contact her. I understand how you feel. We know the pain that is involved with your situation. Let me say this, respecting her wishes to not be contacted is also respecting her children. As hard as it is, and it is a process, turn your focus towards you and your self care right now. This may sound a bit harsh, but you’re focusing on something that is not fruitful for you or your well being. Take good care of yourself and keep posting.

[pearlsw]

Hi DRS204,

Sorry that you were missing your ex today. Contacting her does not seem the best thing to do.

Unfinished relationships, ones that end when we don't want them to, have a way of haunting us. There are unanswered questions, unresolved issues, it makes grieving the relationship that much harder not knowing why it ended. There is a tendency to want to go back in time and tinker around in the past somehow.

There is a saying I like. It goes: "Everything happens, exactly as it does." This is what has happened. This is life now. As painful as it is when you look back, if you turn around and look forward there is also lots and lots of possibility now. A chance for you to learn, become healthier, feel stronger and happier. It takes time, but time will pass. So since time is going to pass anyway, make the best of it. Always make the best of things if you possibly can.

I tell ya, anytime I had a relationship not work out, in time I was grateful. Either something was missing, or it just wasn't right, we weren't perhaps as well matched as I first thought, etc. And inevitably I met another also wonderful person later. I have been very fortunate in a certain sense.

I wish you the best. The road to recovery is not easy. I've felt incredibly, incredibly low after breakups. Terribly torn up and confused. Things can seem hopeless. They are not.  

One thing I've done post breakup, when I start to think about someone who I know I will never be with again, rather than focus on all the things I liked about them, I focus on the reasons that things were not a good match. I don't like to be negative, or think badly of others, but I focus on those reasons - even talk them out loud to myself if need be - and then I feel strong and confident again that I made the right choice to move on. I claim it as my choice. Talk myself into it basically. It helps me to get a handle on things. It is not that I don't miss the person, I just don't let myself stay in that place or it can eat you alive. It's like telling myself hard truths: "We were not a good match. We will never be together. It would not have worked. It was not the right thing for my life. etc. Something better will come."

But that's just me. I like to work with my thoughts and find ways to set my mind at peace.

Again, sorry you are hurting!  

with compassion, pearl.

[Drs204]

Pardon me if you've talked about this here before and I just missed it, but how long was the relationship? You say you were only FWB? Did you consider it a casual relationship? Was that your choice, or hers?

It was about 2 years all told. We started off kind of as FWB about 2 months after meeting then it progressed from there. It was not exactly FWB, it was more. A while after that we went "officially dating" as it was such on FB . I took it seriously, and I thought she did too as it was a few months before I actually met her kids. I did tell her I wanted a relationship with her though she said at the beginning she was not ready yet. She was serious about protecting her kids. Which is why I was surprised she broke it off when she did, but then not totally surprised either with the stonewalling that went on from time to time.

I would help put them to bed, read stories, play with them etc. There was a bond.

I took it as a serious relationship. Maybe she was not as serious about it as I was?

[Drs204]

This is a noble thing to say. It’s clear that you care about her. The thing is, BPD or not, we can’t help those that don’t want it. Before help can even be administered, acceptance is required by her. Her only responses to you have been volatile. Do you feel that these are the reactions of someone seeking help?

I have to echo Lady Itone here. Do not attempt to contact her. I understand how you feel. We know the pain that is involved with your situation. Let me say this, respecting her wishes to not be contacted is also respecting her children. As hard as it is, and it is a process, turn your focus towards you and your self care right now. This may sound a bit harsh, but you’re focusing on something that is not fruitful for you or your well being. Take good care of yourself and keep posting.

Ya I know if she does not want help, there is nothing I can do. And really, if she doesn't want help, there is no point in any relationship with her as sad as that is to say.  She is not really diagnosed, or never told me. I think she knows something is different with her, as I said something about normal once and she said "I am not normal". My reply was "You are you!".

I am taking care of myself. Doing my hobbies, and i have several. Getting back into flying is one; it has been years since I flew. I actually soloed a day or two before she broke it off. First solo in 14 years or so. I am an aircraft mechanic by trade and a friend wants me to help look after his plane and sign the books in trade for flight time.

One thing I've done post breakup, when I start to think about someone who I know I will never be with again, rather than focus on all the things I liked about them, I focus on the reasons that things were not a good match. I don't like to be negative, or think badly of others, but I focus on those reasons - even talk them out loud to myself if need be - and then I feel strong and confident again that I made the right choice to move on. I claim it as my choice. Talk myself into it basically. It helps me to get a handle on things. It is not that I don't miss the person, I just don't let myself stay in that place or it can eat you alive. It's like telling myself hard truths: "We were not a good match. We will never be together. It would not have worked. It was not the right thing for my life. etc. Something better will come."

Yes I have looked at doing that as well, and sometimes do go there. I remember the horrible feeling inside when she was stonewalling and not answering my texts when normally she was a super-texter. (later found out that the super-texting thing is a sign of Fear of Abandonment... .a BPD trait... .conversely stonewalling is the Fear of Engulfment kicking in and pushing me away... .) She might answer hours later and it was only one or two words. Then a few days later the normal super-texting again with no explanation for the stonewalling. She would end the stonewalling by asking me "Not talking?", which I now see as a form of gaslighting... blaming me for the times we didn't talk.

There were other things too that are not so great, but I kept thinking that no one is perfect and nor is any relationship. Everyone has their struggles. Though as I am finding, some more than others.

I have always thought her current relationship will not last, probably shorter than what ours was, and she may contact me then. Not sure if that will happen but it may. Then I have to ask myself if I really want her back in my life?

If she realizes what she has, wants help, and is undergoing therapy, then maybe I could take her back in my life. If not, then it will be a relationship recycle which won't last long and is something I am reading about as well.

I don't hate her, and do feel sorry for her and the kids. But I also have to realize the truth that a relationship with her will always be stormy.  I also have to realise that now I would be her #2 choice in relationship (if she came back) and that will probably always be in the back of my mind in the future. That isn't a good thing either, even if she got help and went to therapy. We for sure would need to do some couple's therapy as well in order to give the relationship a chance. But not likely any of that will happen anyway.

Thanks everyone for listening and for your comments. Keep them coming!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Drs,

It sounds like you've been doing lots of reading and you've been getting involved in the community which is great.    I'm wondering how you're doing at the moment and what your feelings are about things right now?  It'd be great to hear an update.

Love and light x

[Drs204]

Hi Drs,

It sounds like you've been doing lots of reading and you've been getting involved in the community which is great.    I'm wondering how you're doing at the moment and what your feelings are about things right now?  It'd be great to hear an update.

Love and light x

Doing better now I think. I have more good days now than bad days. I think even the "bad days" are not as bad anymore.

Spent a few days camping last week. It was good to get out and spend some time doing that as it is a thing I like to do and is not something I have done much of the past couple years while involved with this girl.

Have had a couple of ladies express interest though they are all far way and the closest one is about a 3 hour drive. Will probably at least go see her sometime in the coming weeks. She is getting over a r/s with a NPD guy so we are both somewhat cautious. I have known her a few years.

I thought alot about my xgfwBPD when I was out camping as the tent I was using was a big one I had bought so I could take her and her boys camping as her boys wanted to do so. When I got home I did text her saying I had gone camping and thought about things. Said I was sorry that things went the way they did. I said I was glad to have known her and the good times we had. (when it was good obviously) I said I would always remember her wherever I went.

I know she did not get the texts as there was no answer and I am sure she has my number and email blocked like she has me blocked on FB. I have not heard a word from her in 2 months now.

It still feels good to tell her though. Maybe I should not do that but it did feel good to do so. I was not angry and I do not hate her as she knows.

Knowing that there is a prospect or two out there helps and I can slowly move on.

Sad that she is not working on herself but there is nothing i can do. She has to be aware and want the change. I think she is aware she is not normal per a discussion we once had but I doubt she has any idea what and she certainly is not wanting to get  help. I don't know what rock bottom for her will be but again, nothing I can do about it.

So ya, even the bad days are not as bad as they once were. That is progress.