NC with uBPDm after violent week long visit

[Dandelioness]

Hello everyone,

this is my first post, so I apologise in advance if it's getting a bit lengthy. My mum has not been diagnosed with BPD, but she fits the description almost like a textbook and I as well as my therapist are convinced of this diagnosis.

My childhood was defined by abuse, but on the outside the abuser was solely my father who beat up my mother and me on a regular basis, and also sexually abused me. What wasn't visible though was the emotional abuse I endured from my mother as well. And even if it might be hard to understand for outsiders, this abuse affects me more today than my father's. His stopped when my parents divorced 20 years ago when I was 13, hers is still present. I've had twenty years to come to terms with what he did to me, but no time at all to overcome hers. And lastly, I've never had a real relationship with him, I never loved him as a father or just a person. I strangely love my mother though, so her abuse cuts even deeper. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone reading this, but this is how it is.

I was the 'good child' to her and my two older siblings from her previous marriage were constantly put down. I never had a close relationship to them as I think they hated me for being the 'favourite'. What they and everyone else didn't see though was that I was only 'good' when I behaved the way she wanted me to. When my father beat her up, she would crawl into my bed and cry all night on my shoulder until I was soaked with her tears. This started when I was approximately six years old. She would regularly get drunk with loud music on, sitting on the table chain smoking, in front of her a bottle of wine and a sharp kitchen knife. I had to watch her cut herself while she told me how I was the only reason she was not actually killing herself, but she might if I ever not loved her anymore. If I didn't comply with her rules she would punish me hard, like that time when I took my sister's side in a fight. She slapped me and called me an ungrateful c**t, and that no one ever loved her and everyone's against her. She didn't speak to me for days until I apologised. Another time she called off Christmas because I didn't get along with my stepdad. 'Entitled, selfish little brats' like me deliberately destroy her happiness, apparently. (I was 14 at that time and my stepdad had only been living with us for a few months. I didn't know him beforehand either; a few days after my father had moved out I came back home and the new guy was sitting in our living room with his suitcases. And that was that.)

There were incidences when she handed me a knife and told me to kill myself so she can finally be free from me; or when she dragged me out of bed on my hair because I was 'conspiring' against her. Her constant pleasure was telling me all the kinds of abuses she had had to endure from the nuns as a kid in a Catholic boarding school, from her two first husbands etc. as well as all the inflicted self-harm like cutting and pulling her hair out. She would always leave little parts or words out to have me fill them in, or let me summarise the story and then tell her what a poor victim she was. When my sexual abuse came to light in my early teens, she would constantly tell me how hard it was for her ('you only think about yourself; you never even consider how hard all this is on me!') and sometimes even 'jokingly' call me 'the other woman'.

I moved out when I was just 17, and eventually finished high school and then my MA at uni. That's when I started realising she couldn't stand me being happy or successful. She didn't come to my uni graduation or when I won first prize in a literary competition; she never even read the story, and she threw my thesis away without ever looking at it. But she would constantly remind me that she would have loved to go to uni, but that she never had the chance, and how good I have it in life and how lucky I was. I didn't feel very lucky though; I was stuck in an abusive relationship with my boyfriend, I suffered from depression and anxiety, and I felt an immense guilt over the ever growing resentment I felt towards my mother. But she kept ensuring me that all that matters is that I have a loving and devoted mother who had always kept me safe...

A few years fast-forward and I'm now living with my wonderful (not in the slightest abusive) husband and our child in a different country, even currently expecting our second. Having an ocean between my mother and myself helps me immensely on the one hand, but it also brings new problems on the other. Her condition has worsened since my sister had suddenly died a few years ago, and my brother went NC with her. I don't want to claim that she isn't suffering from both, but I think she kind of thrives on it on a certain level. Now she is even more the victim than ever before, and she uses both my siblings to further guilt trip me. And oh, how guilty I felt! My husband would constantly find me in tears over it. Guilt that I had 'abandoned' her and sorrow what had happened to her. Guilt that although I missed her, I never could wait for her to leave again after a visit. (Always having her for a week or longer was just unbearable.) And I also felt guilt because she really seemed to try hard most of the time, and I often felt I wasn't patient enough with her when her behaviour was triggering me. But again, she didn't seem happy that I was happy. She constantly complained that she never had a loving husband who helped with the child etc... .etc... .

And here we finally are why I'm posting today... She visited us again last week. I had thoroughly planned a lovely time, booked boat tours and castle visits, bought all her favourite food, you name it. I really wanted to give her a good time, and all of us nice family memories together. I'm currently pregnant again, and this in addition with looking after a little toddler and my mother, planning and organising everything as well as an exhausting schedule left me in tears on the third night. I was tidying my toddler's mess (she just watching me from the couch) when I thought of a cute anecdote of my child and told her. Apparently I wasn't talking loudly enough so she couldn't understand me. Her reaction was to jump up and just yell at me that I'm never nice to her and always try to make her look bad. I was completely shocked and so tired, so I just said that I'm not letting her talk to me like that and went upstairs into my bedroom. She followed me, screaming and accusing, and trying to slap me. The next morning she verbally assaulted me in the kitchen while I was trying to make breakfast; she called me a crazy lunatic and that she won't let me destroy her 'last 20 years'. As calmly as I could I told her that we don't scream in this house, and that she can't behave this way in front of her grandchild. This completely set her off; she used that mocking voice claiming that so think I'm such a better mum than her, but that I belong locked away and I'm the biggest regret of her life. Over the next few days the insults got worse (b***h, c**t, lunatic, you name it). She tried to slap me and pull my hair, and she nearly succeeded in punching me in my (pregnant!) belly twice. When my husband finally drove her to the airport yesterday morning, she told him lots of lies of what I have apparently said and done to her (he only speaks our language very limitedly so she hoped he would believe her even though he was there at that time! But he understands more than she knows, and he's not stupid either). She furthermore advised him to divorce that 'crazy c**t' before I destroy his life as I have destroyed hers, and that she will see to that my child will be taken away from me as I'm 'not fit to be a mum' and belong 'locked up in a mental asylum'. She also claimed that she had 'always held her protective hand over me' and I'm just ungrateful and she wished I had killed myself years ago.

There is obviously no question that I will go no contact with her after this. She threatened me and endangered my unborn baby. My usually carefree and happy toddler is deeply traumatised, and she's trying to destroy my marriage, family, and life. In a weird way I finally feel free now, free from guilt, free from a decision, and it is like a huge weight has been lifted from me. What I do fear are the repercussions though. I know that this won't be the last time we've heard from her. There will be nasty emails and messages, and maybe even threats against us. My husband already got a text from her this morning playing the innocent victim, begging him to keep him updated with photos of her grandchildren and telling her the baby's gender (we had a scan today) etc. She concluded with a 'well meaning tip' to leave me before it's 'too late' for him and the kids... He didn't respond as he didn't want to engage in a fruitless conversation with her, but no reply will trigger her just the same. I don't really know where to go from here. Do I block her on social media and messengers? Or just ignore whatever she may send? I guess I just feel pretty overwhelmed right now... .

Sorry for the long post!

[Harri]

Hi Dandelioness and welcome to the board.  I am so sorry your mother treated you the way she did and that she still abuses you.  You are in a place where we get it.  We all have a family member, many with mother's, who have BPD or BPD traits so you are not alone.  I am glad your mother is back in her home and the verbal and physical violence has ended.  


So much of what you described, as horrible and as damaging as it was/is, sounds familiar.  Many of us her have chosen to go no contact with our family member but you are right that she will probably continue to try to contact you.  You do have options on how you want to handle things.  You can block, you can ignore, you can respond (I would not recommend the latter).  Whatever you choose is okay and can be permanent or not.  See how you feel.  When you get a message do you panic or are you able to see it and stay calm?  Somewhere in between?  We can help you decide and certainly we can listen too.

For now, I would focus on trying to take care of you.  You have been through a lot and it will take time.  There is no rush to decide, you can just choose not to answer or have emails read by your husband to screen them.  

What sort of threats do you think she would make?  Would they have any substance to them?

I am glad you reached out to us here.  We can help support you and listen and I know you will find others with similar stories.  Talking with others is so important.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Dandelioness, 

I want to join Harri in welcoming you! Thank goodness you have found us, and you will find that we truly do understand. Your story is horrible and shows the abuse that you went through, and as you will find out in reading other posts here, we understand. Let me take a moment to validate you and to say how proud I am of you for seeing the abuse for what it is and for speaking up and not allowing it when she came to visit. She was reacting like a little child who had a major temper tantrum. It sounds very much like she was Splitting You. I know my uBPDm frequently did this, and it was so damaging to me and my siblings. Thankfully you were aware enough to set some boundaries.

I am so sorry for the way she treated you! It is wrong, and you are so much a worthwhile person.   Please stay safe! I would also advise not taking any messages or media from her or let your husband screen them for you.  Take some time to rest up emotionally and physically and heal from the wounds and intensity of this most recent episode. Then let's take a closer look at all the options that you have.

 
Wools

[Kwamina]

Hi Dandelioness

Joining Harri and Wools in welcoming you to our online community

I am very sorry you had these very difficult experiences with your mother. You did your best to try to make it a pleasant time for all of you, unfortunately your mother seems quite volatile and exhibits very disturbing behaviors. Her violent outbursts you describe are very concerning, did your husband witness her doing this to you?

Her physical abuse even going so far to attempt to punch you in your belly while you are pregnant, signals that she currently is a threat to your and your unborn child's health.

It makes total sense to me that you would set firm boundaries with your mother now to keep you and your family safe.

You've been through a lot in your childhood with both your parents abusing you in various ways. I am glad you are seeing a therapist who can help you manage all of this.

Take care and know that we are here to offer support

The Board Parrot

[Star0009]

Hi
Your story was very hard to read. I'm so sorry. As I was reading this I was shocked that suddenly the story went from this horrible abuse to you inviting her into your home and new safe life but i get it. I still let my Mom in my life somewhat but she knows how far not to take it and I know how much to keep my mouth shut and keep a distance so she doesn't get physically abusive. I get the feeling of guilt so much as I have had No contact on and off with my Mom many times in my life. I get the relief you feel as well that she went so far you can go no contact. I'm just glad she didn't hurt you physically too bad. I know the emotional pain can be so bad sometimes though. I have found these boards very helpful so I hope you do too.

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi Dandelioness 

I love your name. It’s so bright and strong and makes me smile to read it.

It’s been a week or so since you first posted. How are you doing today?

I hope you are doing well and will come back to update us when you have a bit of time. We are here to listen and support you. 

L2T