Isolation vs. learning to be alone

[JNChell]

Hi everyone. I’m feeling quite lonely lately. I have a circle of close friends that I’m able to see occasionally, but they have their own lives that take most of their time. I will admit that I’ve been isolating quite a bit, but the flip side of the coin tells me that I need to do that so I can learn to be alone. I’m not good at being alone, but I have to be able to.

I’ve found solace in romantic relationships, but those obviously didn’t work out. I’m curious to hear about situations where solace was finally found while being on one’s own.

[Fie]

Hello !

I so know what you are talking about. After my last break up I decided it was time to learn how to be alone. This was around the same time I took up meditation. That quite helped me.

It was lonely. I too have friends, but they have their own lives, like yours. So I decided it was enough, the running towards unhealthy partners just to avoid to be alone. I purposely spent weekends alone, to teach myself to stand it.

It took some time (and fear) but it worked. I don't mind being alone anymore. I am a social person, so I like spending time with my friends, or getting to know new people. But I now actually like being by myself, too. I had never thought that would happen.

x

[Harri]

Hi JNChell, how are you? 

I am sorry to hear you are feeling lonely but it is so good you are exploring this.  I am no sure how much help I will be as I isolate a lot, prefer to be alone, but also feel lonely sometimes.  I have gotten much better at being okay with being alone with myself.  I enjoy my company more often than I did before.  I am not sure what changed to allow me to do that other than to get more comfortable with who I am, lose a lot of the self-loathing and working on being okay with 'what is'.  Posting here has helped a lot with getting me to not isolate and has helped my confidence too.

You don't strike me as an introvert, but that may not mean anything.  People think I am an extrovert because I can fake/hide it well. 

How do you feel when you are alone?  Are you able to be content in the moment? 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi JNChell,

Lonely is hard, and painful too. I'm so sorry. Being here with your online family helps I know, but it isn't quite the same as a person to whom we can relate and talk with. Sometimes when I start to feel really lonely in my marriage, I actually remember to pause and to note that I am feeling lonely. Then I ask myself what it is that I am feeling lonely about. Do I want to interact with someone, do I need a hug, do I need spend time helping someone? When I am able to look at what the deeper feelings are under the loneliness, I begin to pay attention to what my real needs are, and I try to meet those needs in healthy ways.

For myself, I notice that when I begin to day dream or when I begin to say to myself that "I wish he would... .," those are the moments for sure when I am not able to stay present, and I am seeking to fulfill those needs through others. My faith is very strong within me, and those are the times when I remember that I need to seek to have my needs for comfort and acceptance met through the Lord. He meets my needs in ways that reach far deeper inside of me than what I seek to have people meet, and it reaches to my soul where the loneliness begins.

 
Wools

[Learning2Thrive]

I’ve found solace in romantic relationships, but those obviously didn’t work out. I’m curious to hear about situations where solace was finally found while being on one’s own.

  JNChell,

Funny. My situation is a bit different. I’ve taken care of and been responsible for others since before I turned 10. By 13, I was contributing financially to caring for my younger siblings and helping provide food, clothing, etc.

Truth is,  I feel more lonely in this house with my son17 (youngest of 4 kids and the last at home) and h (we’ve been married almost 21 years) than when I moved into my own apartment alone for a year several years ago—I really loved having my own space and miss it.

Don’t get me wrong. I really do love my family and husband. He’s not BPD but he is broken from an abusive childhood he can’t even remember most of (rendering him emotionally absent from me) and not interested in healing as far as I can see (yes, I have asked more than once).  I guess I just more often feel like a care-taker than a wife. That will probably be explored in more detail later down the road.

So, here I am. Surrounded but lonely. I have decided to sit (actively live) with this and get comfortable with my discomfort while I practice boundaries, wisemind, compassion, seeing life in color including shades of gray (no longer black and white) and exercising genuine love for them and for me.

Some days are easier than others.

Much love to you JNChell, my brother. You can do this. It gets easier and you get stronger the more you practice.

  L2T

[Turkish]

Hi everyone. I’m feeling quite lonely lately. I have a circle of close friends that I’m able to see occasionally, but they have their own lives that take most of their time.

My close friends are far away.  Even my good work friend commutes 30 miles on and has his own new family.  I have no one here closer since my ex left.  I'm at the age where I might begin to have health issues and given that I'm worried that if something happens my ex will step in and it will be like Misery. Not that bad but it's on the back of my mind.

I will admit that I’ve been isolating quite a bit, but the flip side of the coin tells me that I need to do that so I can learn to be alone. I’m not good at being alone, but I have to be able to.

I think going Hermit a little is natural,  even needed,  given thy trauma you've been though, but everyone knows you never go Full Hermit. It's a choice.  We have a choice.  It isn't binary either.  What are your thoughts?

[Learning2Thrive]

JNChell, just want you to know that you are being thought about and we care about you.

Hope you are doing well tonight.

L2T

[yamada]

You can be in a crowded space and still be alone.  it depends what you want . i have a hound. Talk to her all day. Makes more sense than half the humans. but I need to find people with a common interest.  Outside of friends. You never know where it ends.

[isilme]

It's normal to feel lonely, regardless of how much you do or don't see people.  The business of just living can often interfere with making time for other people, or their ability to make time for you.  I think it is just a normal emotional fluctuation - good new?  We can do something about it :D

I grew up isolated.  I spent much of my time self-entertaining, forbidden to have people over, and even isolated by the simple fact that my life experiences made me strange in the eyes of my peers.

I lived practically on my own for about 2 years in high school when my dad was busy courting my soon to be step mom in another town. 

I'm okay not having other people around.  I tend to either catch up on sleep, read a book, feel free from sharing energy with even H if he happens to be out of the house, free to turn up music and clean, or even play video games without feeling like I should be busy doing something else.  And with my chronic migraines kicking into high gear lately, I need this kind of day to self-care a bit, even just a few hours. 

But, I also like limited interactions with others, within my "spoons" and enjoy having a few social activities a week, if possible.  H an I are more comfortable at home, his illnesses make it easier to entertain at home, so we invite those that can come to see us over.  This sadly often means friends with kids, whose lives are hectic and crazy, we don't see them much.  We had a friend die suddenly the end of August and realized that partly because of H's illnesses, we'd not seen him since February.  It makes you reevaluate if you are trying to reach out, and I realized I had not.  Being social can drain me, and if my head is not behaving, it's just rough.  But I am muddling through, trying to reach out better to people.

I am trying to make myself invite people to join me at things I think they'd like regardless of if I already know they are busy or not.  It keeps me on the radar.  It lets them know I want to spend time, but understand kids and other things take time. 

JNChell - I hope you're doing okay, and hope you know this period of busy friends will pass.  I also hope you feel you can invite them to things, even a quick lunch or dinner, just to catch up and see each other.

 

[JNChell]

Hey all. I’m sorry for not getting back to this thread sooner. Obligations and such plus posting too much which is hard to keep up with. I guess that my time management skills still need work.

[JNChell]

Hi, Fie. Thanks for responding and relating. It really helps.

So I decided it was enough, the running towards unhealthy partners just to avoid to be alone.

I’ve done so much of this and it has compiled into a lot of heartache and self doubt. My last relationship resulted in a child, and it nearly broke me. I believe that my emotional bottom was reached.

Being alone is a very difficult thing. Just like with our pwBPD. During the last civil exchange between S3’s mom and me, she told me that she is diagnosed with anxiety and depression and that she can’t stand being alone. She’s a cutter and rages in a way that caused me to have severe emotional flashbacks. She extorted my property using our Son as leverage. Still, I kept going back for more. I was the fixer and narcissistic supply to her comorbidity.

I’m where you are now. I’m willing to remain alone to eliminate the risk of finding myself in another one of these relationships. I miss having romance, touch and closeness in my life, but having those timely things have come at a great cost. I nearly lost my life trying to keep it. I have a lot of work to do before I can offer what I’d like to have back in a romantic relationship. Saying this makes me feel very flawed and unworthy. It’s a realization that I’ve had to make, but wish I never had to.

It took some time (and fear) but it worked. I don't mind being alone anymore. I am a social person, so I like spending time with my friends, or getting to know new people. But I now actually like being by myself, too. I had never thought that would happen.

I’m forcing myself into this, and it doesn’t feel good. I know that it’s necessary though. A person has to able to be alone. To be ok in one’s own skin.

I used to be a very social and outgoing person. I played live music in front of a lot of people. Now I’m terrified of doing anything like that. My childhood has resurfaced and all of the fears have come with it. I’ll turn 42 next month, and the aging has me losing hope in ever finding a mate that I can feel secure with.

[JNChell]

Harri, thanks for responding.

You don't strike me as an introvert, but that may not mean anything.  People think I am an extrovert because I can fake/hide it well.

I started out as an introvert. I thought that I had found my footing as an extrovert, but I’ve found myself introverted once again. I’m a grown man that is a child wanting to feel the warmth of his mother. I know that this will never come, and I can identify it as feeling. This feeling has railroaded my life. I know that I sound like a victim right now, but I need to get this out.

How do you feel when you are alone?  Are you able to be content in the moment?

I feel anxious and lonely most times. It adds to the hopelessness that is attributed to C-PTSD. Lately I’m content with it, but it’s attached to sadness.

[JNChell]

Hi, Wools.

I try to meet those needs in healthy ways.

I’m trying to teach myself how to do this, but I feel like I’m failing myself at every turn. Maybe this feeling so down is simply part of the healing process, but I feel really bad currently. Like a complete failure.

I need to seek to have my needs for comfort and acceptance met through the Lord.

I’ve been thinking about God a lot lately. I was raised in the Roman Catholic Church. I couldn’t hold onto to the teachings because I was forced into the doctrine by highly abusive parents. I couldn’t believe what they believed in.

I’ve begun discussing God with close friends that believe, and I’m becoming more open to the philosophy. I’ve always felt that there is a higher power, but isolation has shown me how powerful it can be. Isolation is simply a fear of being let down and hurt.

[JNChell]

By 13, I was contributing financially to caring for my younger siblings and helping provide food, clothing, etc.

L2T, I’m sorry. Your childhood was taken from you, and I empathize with you on a deep level. I also understand how it’s possible to feel lonely even when around others. Maybe that can actually amplify the feeling. Especially with the knowledge that we’re gaining. “Ignorance is bliss” is a saying that sometimes causes me to feel envious.

[JNChell]

Hey there, Turkish.

I have no one here closer since my ex left.

Have you found that you invested so much of yourself into trying to save your family that it has taken away much of your life outside of that realm? I lost, what I thought were, some really good friends through my relationship with my Son’s mother. I knew them long before she was in the picture. The thing is, they never even checked in with me on what was happening behind closed doors. My ex set me up in extreme ways. This is her narcissistic side. She literally tried to destroy me. I’m certain of it.

I'm worried that if something happens my ex will step in and it will be like Misery.

This is a wise observation and probably requires more inflection and preparation. It also causes some concern. This resonates that she still has control over you.

I don’t really know what to think right now other than I need to heal. I’m realizing that my perceived “best days” were just me blocking out the worst of times and that it wasn’t sustainable. It always comes back and I need to put it to rest.

[JNChell]

Hello, yamada. Thank you for the insight. I agree that it’s easy to feel alone in a crowded room. I also think that wanting something and being able to attain it are challenging when it comes to the subjects that are discussed here. It’s not simply a choice. It’s an action that can take a lot of time and effort.

[JNChell]

Hi, isilme. I’m really glad that you chimed in. I’ve followed your posts here and I sincerely feel for you. I was harmed by both of my parents as well, and I know how it feels.

I grew up isolated.  I spent much of my time self-entertaining, forbidden to have people over, and even isolated by the simple fact that my life experiences made me strange in the eyes of my peers.

I relate to this. I wasn’t forbidden to have anyone over, but I was afraid/embarrassed to do so. My mother would often ask why I never had friends over. My parents were so delusional that they didn’t see anything wrong with our home life. They died over 8 years ago and I still despise them.

'm okay not having other people around.

We differ here. I long for interaction. Especially on the romantic level. I’ve learned, at 41, that I don’t yet possess the tools and emotional maturity to be successful at this and it hurts to know this. I often feel that my best days are behind me and that there is little hope for me to find love in the future when I’m ready. I try to be mindful that this is a symptom of C-PTSD, but it’s a struggle to not submit to the feeling.

And with my chronic migraines kicking into high gear lately, I need this kind of day to self-care a bit, even just a few hours.

I know that you’re already aware of this, but it might benefit readers/lurkers to know that the body stores unprocessed trauma and that it can manifest itself in physical ways. Chronic pain and illness are symptoms of trauma. It’s negative energy and it doesn’t feel good. I’m sorry that you’re suffering from migraines. I hope it gets better for you.

isilme, thank you for the interaction.

[Learning2Thrive]

Hey all. I’m sorry for not getting back to this thread sooner. Obligations and such plus posting too much which is hard to keep up with. I guess that my time management skills still need work.

No apologies necessary, JNChell. Life happens to all of us and I have yet to meet anyone with perfect time management skills. We’re here and we will be here when it works for you.

Good enough is good enough. Aside from that, the time, care and effort you contribute here are notable.

  L2T

[Harri]

JNChell said:

I started out as an introvert. I thought that I had found my footing as an extrovert, but I’ve found myself introverted once again. I’m a grown man that is a child wanting to feel the warmth of his mother. I know that this will never come, and I can identify it as feeling. This feeling has railroaded my life. I know that I sound like a victim right now, but I need to get this out.

You don't sound like a victim JNChell.  Not at all.  Acknowledging and accepting your feelings is anything but being a victim.  You are working on healing and recognize that where you are is an important part of that... .that is not being a victim.  Looking at your past to understand your present so you can work it through is empowering, not being a victim.  

I feel anxious and lonely most times. It adds to the hopelessness that is attributed to C-PTSD. Lately I’m content with it, but it’s attached to sadness.

You have a lot to be sad about JNChell.  Grieving is vital to the healing process and also part of acceptance as far as I can tell.  

I think you are doing very well.  Be aware of your feelings, sit with them, let them Be.  They just are and can serve as little beacons to indicate deep hurts, needs and areas that need work.

I don’t really know what to think right now other than I need to heal. I’m realizing that my perceived “best days” were just me blocking out the worst of times and that it wasn’t sustainable. It always comes back and I need to put it to rest.

Recognizing this is so important.  It can be painful to see that we were fooling ourself though.