Need advice for how to handle confrontation with explosive mother

[daughter86]

I am new to this community and have just recently with the help of my therapist been able to finally name the behavior or the cause of the behavior that I have experienced so long as a daughter with a mother who has BPD.

I am really trying to get stronger in my boundaries and take the time I need to get some space from her so I can deal with past traumas without her adding more chaos and trauma to an already overflowing pile. Right now I am a ball of anxiety because my mom would not stop texting me yesterday about why I have been distant. She is saying things like if you dont want to be around me you can or should just tell me that. I told her I was sick (which I am) and would get back to her later but she just kept texting me so I ignored her texts after that. I have verbally asked for space months ago and said I was working on things in therapy and needed some space to sort through all of it and it did not go well, as you can imagine. She becomes really hostile and aggressive and tries to use my son, her grandson, as a bargaining chip to manipulate and guilt me. She will throw a tantrum and say I am keeping him from her and she wants to pick him up and take him somewhere. Even though she doesn't make much effort outside of when she is having a tantrum, it all of the sudden becomes an emergency and she has to see my son when I ask for space. I have sometimes said no you can't see him either and sometimes I have said yes you can take him to lunch or something and then bring him back.

The issue I am having right now is I know that there is no way I can communicate that I do in fact need space without it becoming a major emotional altercation. I have answered her texts when I felt it necessary in the past couple of weeks and i have been pleasant but she obviously can sense, and correctly, that I am entering another period of needing space from her.

Does anyone have any experience that went even MILDLY NOT TERRIBLE when telling a parent with BPD they need some space? I have put her texts on mute for the first time in my 32 years on this earth and I feel both empowered but also terribly anxious and guilty. What do you do when they keep confronting you? I don't want to be a liar and say no everything is fine I am just busy that's why I say no every single time you ask me to do something. I don't want it to become about what I am going through in therapy and sharing personal things with her either and overexplaining myself. I don't know if I should say, actually I don't think that I can just tell you when I need space and have that be ok since she is saying that I can just tell her. For a person that usually has really strong gut instincts on how to deal with people and difficult people especially pretty well, I always feel at a loss with her. What would seem logical, understandable, fair, and normal is not realistic to expect when it comes to a parent with BPD. And realizing now how much I fear her and the anxiety that comes with that I'm struggling to know what to say and what not to say to do what I need to do to take care of myself and to create and maintain healthy boundaries. I don't want to get into emotional upheaval with her or pour my heart out to her because she is unsafe. And when she feels abandoned she fights dirty so I am very afraid for what is coming my way with each hour that passes that I am ignoring her messages.

Any advice? I have done years of therapy trying to get healthier myself and it's only now having this huge piece that was missing, the fact that she has BPD, that I feel like I can take the real steps I need to take to get healing and take control of my life back. But if I am honest today I spent most of the day on the edge of a panic attack willing myself to not text her something back. Being honest and transparent hasn't worked and now being short and pleasant hasn't worked, either way she isnt happy with the level of relationship we have and she becomes aggressive. She isnt sympathetic to any of the issues or traumas that I'm trying to work through, most of which have happened to me as a child because of her impulsive behavior putting me in harms way or her emotional abuse. I've tried going to therapy with her but it just turned into the therapist was attacking her and she will not return. I also don't feel safe doing that because of how poorly it went the last time.

The bottom line is I need to take care of myself but I still love my mother. I don't want to be cruel but I want to be firm. I don't want to be a liar but I also don't want to be baited into a confrontation that will make me feel even more anxious, upset, and angry. It feels like such a lose/lose most of the time with her and I don't want to fall back into patterns that pacified her but left me feeling empty or angry or used. So any advice on how to handle her asking me if I don't want to see her would be appreciated. Thanks so much!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi daughter86, 

I know it is difficult dealing with your uBPDm. I wasn't sure if you had gotten some help for the questions you asked yet, so I thought I would share some topics that can offer some understanding and help for you. It can take some time to absorb these tools, but there is a lot that can be helpful.

It sounds like your mom is used to dealing with situations in a particular way, and I wondered if there might be some help in these two articles: Empathetic Listening and Active Listening, and A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict.

What your mom is doing especially reminds me of something called Extinction Bursts . Classic behavior is when they try to self soothe and make themselves feel better. It sure doesn't work that way for us though.

Keep holding on. It sounds like you are doing what you need to do to set some boundaries.   What do you think after reading these?

 
Wools

[Turkish]

She isnt sympathetic to any of the issues or traumas that I'm trying to work through, most of which have happened to me as a child because of her impulsive behavior putting me in harms way or her emotional abuse

How did she put you in harm's way when you were a child?

[Learning2Thrive]

daughter86 wrote:

The bottom line is I need to take care of myself but I still love my mother. I don't want to be cruel but I want to be firm. I don't want to be a liar but I also don't want to be baited into a confrontation that will make me feel even more anxious, upset, and angry. It feels like such a lose/lose most of the time with her and I don't want to fall back into patterns that pacified her but left me feeling empty or angry or used. So any advice on how to handle her asking me if I don't want to see her would be appreciated. Thanks so much!

How are you doing today, daughter86?

I can empathize with what you’ve written above. For me, I had to learn how to let go of responsibility for my mother’s emotions (they are her responsibility because she is an adult) and just be politely direct. I can only be responsible for me, my behaviors and choices.

If I check myself and know that I am not being cruel, then I just have to accept that she’s allowed to feel her feelings. For me, that ended in a NC relationship with her, but that was about safety and my situation is probably much different from yours.

I hope you’ll pop back in and update us when you have a moment. We’re here to listen and support you.   

L2T

[naturalturn]

Hi daughter86!

I relate so much to your story! I was dealing with the same kind of constant text messages and calls from my mother. I tried to tell her about my crippling anxiety and growing depression and she didn't care at the least. I spent so long coming up with excuses not to see her and became a workaholic just so I would have a good excuse not see her. I never let myself have free time because I felt obligated to spend all free time with her. I was exhausted and riddled with anxiety about "What will she text today? What will be my excuse today? How can I make sure I don't have to talk to her today?"

The last time I spoke to her she asked "What have I done to make you ignore me?" Even though I was texting her daily and had dinner plans with her for the next evening. I tried to nicely explain that I didn't feel like she appreciated our time and that no matter how much time we spent together, it was never enough. She reacted with "Sorry I'm being selfish. I won't ask again." Then later sent another text which in short said I need to remember who I'm speaking to because when I'm sick she'll be the only there to hold my hand. After this, I haven't spoken to her. I didn't give a reason or much of a heads up, she doesn't listen to me or even consider my thoughts anyway. I wasn't planning to make it such a long time to keep her messages/calls blocked but once I blocked them, my life overall got easier. I felt terribly anxious and guilty at first too, but now it has been almost 2 months and most of these last 2 months have been positive and healing.

I don't know when I'll speak to her again, I'm scared to ever speak to her again. This worries me of course since it's the unknown. I have nightmares often of confronting her and it goes terribly wrong. I understand you in not knowing what to say when I do confront her. Do I keep it simple or do I pour my heart out? Every option sounds bad to me. I feel just like you in being able to navigate confrontation or issues with everybody else, but with her, I can never figure it out.
I want to have a good, healthy relationship with her, but I worry if I open back up to her, nothing will get better and things may even get worse than they were.

I unfortunately don't have answers... .I'm searching for them like you are. I wanted to reach out though and let you know that I can relate to you and you are strong even if you don't feel that way right now 

[jasmine123]

Hi,

The descriptions of the constant texting and calling from your mom and your avoidance of her sounds EXACTLY like my situation. Being new to this message board and BPD Family, it is really validating to hear that other people are struggling with the same thing.

I am not sure how to resolve the issue... .I am currently reading through the second edition of "Stop Walking on Egg Shells," and I hope that will help me learn some healthier copying tools, other than avoidance. I may also try the S.E.T. that was mentioned in the article and video referred to above.

[gotbushels]

daughter86   

Right now I am a ball of anxiety because my mom would not stop texting me yesterday about why I have been distant.

I understand how you might feel. When you're badgered by someone, it can easily knot ourselves despite our intentions to stay calm.

I have answered her texts when I felt it necessary in the past couple of weeks and i have been pleasant but she obviously can sense, and correctly, that I am entering another period of needing space from her.

Sometimes when people live with a lot of abandonment, they tend to be extra-sensitive to emotional cues in this area.

For a person that usually has really strong gut instincts on how to deal with people and difficult people especially pretty well, I always feel at a loss with her.

I understand the feeling of uncertainty from this. Sometimes even highly skilled people have a very difficult time bringing those same skills to people who are closest to them. With parents, this can be especially hard because human children tend have a subconscious want to protect their parents. There's a lot of us here who have been in similar boats--so you're not alone on this.   

I encourage you to have a look at what Woolspinner2000 suggested--especially the piece about ending conflict. I hope you'll share how this develops for you.   

[jasmine123]

Could someone explain S.E.T a little more to me? Maybe with an example? Here are some recent scenarios where I didn't know how to respond and that also relate to the original post.


Situation 1:
Me: Oh, my day is good. I am seeing ___ (another family member) today because they are in town.
BPD: "Oh, you are seeing them. You always see them. You never see me. You never have time for me!"

Situation 2:
Me: I ignore the BPD's phone call... .(I plan on talking at least once a week. but they call and text everyday. So I end up ignoring a bunch of them.)
BPD sends text: Are you okay? What's wrong? Why aren't answering my calls?
BPD sends another text later: What does a mother have to do to talk to their child?
Another example of a potential text: I NEED you to call immediately, it's important!
Me: I call... .BPD answers "Oh finally. How lucky am I to actually get ahold of you." Then she complains about things going on in their life and repeats old stories I have already heard. (Or, sometimes we actually do have a great talk! which is why its so hard to know if I should answer the call or not.)

[gotbushels]

Situation 1:
Me: Oh, my day is good. I am seeing ___ (another family member) today because they are in town.
BPD: "Oh, you are seeing them. You always see them. You never see me. You never have time for me!"

S As your daughter I'm here to help.
E It seems you're upset because you'd like us to meet more often.
T Is there something you can do so we may meet more often?

You don't have to agree to the suggestion. It helped me a lot to practice a few times alone.

Situation 2:
Me: I ignore the BPD's phone call [... .]

It seems you're clear on what you want going forward in terms of how often you speak: once a week+. That's good.

S It seems you're distressed about something. As your daughter I'm here to help.
E It seems you're upset because I wasn't able to answer when you called.
T I want to speak to you at least once a week. It's tough for me to speak more because I have other commitments. I'll return your call when I'm able. If you're feeling this way and I'm unavailable, what can you do about it?

It helped me to have ideas of what I wanted the person to do. So if they don't think of something feasible, then I can give the suggestion. It's important to use a neutral tone, I think that's the hardest part.

Follow the sequence s-e-t and avoid skipping parts.

[Harri]

Gotbushels, those are some excellent examples!  Thank you for sharing them.

now that you have some examples can you perhaps work some issues out here?  It helps to practice as GB said.  

I would also recommend practicing these out loud.  Not to memorize but to get the tone down and to make it feel more comfortable when you are in the moment and actually talking with her.

[jasmine123]

Hey!

I found this explanation of SET to be helpful. It explains it differently than above. I hope it is helpful for you.

Communication Tool SET (Support, Empathy, Truth)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

Another participant also told be about a strategy called JADE and setting boundaries. Here are the links for those too. They helped me a lot.

Setting Boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

More on JADE (which stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explaing, which is something we don't want to be doing!
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0