I find it frustrating that HF BPD is so well hidden.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My spouse and I split a few months ago following a lengthy process of separation and nearly 9 years of marriage.  Things began a little over one year ago with the revelation of some level of affair between my spouse and a coworker.  We went to therapy and there it seemed to become more and more clear that it was all "my fault." I have accepted all that I can in what I perceived was a good, normal marriage with normal issues/frustration; but that was never enough.  It was as if my ex had a preconceived plan.  After 4 months of therapy my ex found some thinly veiled excuse to quit.    I still see the same therapist absent my now estranged spouse.  The therapist who saw us both over the course of a 4-5 month period introduced the concept of high functioning personality disorder.  The therapist has become even more convinced as my ex and I work to dismantle our family and enter into a new phase of co parenting.  
As I have had the benefit of distance, we've lived apart now for about three months, to discover just how frustrating BPD seems to be.  I am hoping through this resource to discover techniques and tools from others to deal with they way my ex.  It is certainly a frustrating disorder to deal with.  

[3rdHill]

My spouse and I split a few months ago following a lengthy process of separation and nearly 9 years of marriage.  Things began a little over one year ago with the revelation of some level of affair between my spouse and a coworker.  We went to therapy and there it seemed to become more and more clear that it was all "my fault." I have accepted all that I can in what I perceived was a good, normal marriage with normal issues/frustration; but that was never enough.  It was as if my ex had a preconceived plan.  After 4 months of therapy my ex found some thinly veiled excuse to quit.    I still see the same therapist absent my now estranged spouse.  The therapist who saw us both over the course of a 4-5 month period introduced the concept of high functioning personality disorder.  The therapist has become even more convinced as my ex and I work to dismantle our family and enter into a new phase of co parenting.  
As I have had the benefit of distance, we've lived apart now for about three months, to discover just how frustrating BPD seems to be.  I am hoping through this resource to discover techniques and tools from others to deal with they way my ex.  It is certainly a frustrating disorder to deal with.  

[Mutt]

Hi 3rdHill,



Id like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to this site. I bet that therapy with your ex was really frustrating when everything wrong or perceived is thrown on you - we get it.

Seperation and divorce is tough it turns your whole world upside down and a pwBPD don’t handke stress very well on top your own stress youre ex is putting you through an emotional barrage. You might be able to see it now you can regain a more peaceful existence with a pwBPD in your life.

You mentioned co parenting, how many kids and how old? How is coparenting with your stbxBPDw? What are the issues? Did the T suggest any reading material? How do you feel about the other man?

[Turkish]

Hi 3rdHill,

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you to our community. 

Having the blame shifted to is hurts. I've been there. 

Like you,  kids are involved,  but I've been able to do it in the almost 6 years since their journey left me for her affair partner.  You're not alone.  I also continued seeing our couples' therapist after she quit after one joint and two individual sessions. 

Given that you are in the midst of divorce, I encourage you to post to the legal board.  The are senior members there who have successfully navigated divorces with BPD or NPD individuals and those members can offer great advice, also with regard to helping with your kids. 

T

[3rdHill]

Thank you both.  The T did suggest Kreger's (sp?) The essential family guide... .I look forward to reading it. 
Are there resources out there for those dealing with an ex with a diagnosed high functioning BPD?  Living with someone, and now dealing with someone with this disorder, I find it frustrating that its so well hidden.  She projects the image of perfection, "everything is fine here folks, move along."  With the benefit of some space and time its even more obvious to me she has issues.   The projections, the "its your fault" the importance of image.  Now it often manifests itself in our communications related to co-parenting our kids (ages 4-6).  Often it seems shes overly critical or implying some deficiency of mine in the interest of my parenting where I simply dont see it.   The T says its part of her passing her anxiety to on to me.  That is helpful to know because a BPD's tactics and behaviors can really make you question your own judgement.  Still i will take all advice I can in setting boundaries and dealing with her in an effective way that doesnt flip me on my head.  Some stuff I've read include keeping responses (most of our communication is texting) short, to the point, answer directly, etc.

Thanks again

[Mutt]

Maybe you can relate with this like you mentioned the disorder is hidden behind closed doors you’re pwBPD is emotionally dysregulated and some of this issues may crossover in public she may look st you a certain way, mumble something, say it out loud these matters have had ample time to build up inside and then you be one frustrated in public or in front of family and friends and you look like you’re the crazy one or the bad bf or H.

Learn about the disorder distance yourself not from the person distance yourself from the behaviors and depersonalize them a pwBPD don’t have control over the behaviours.

So my exuBPDw might say something that  doesn’t make sense and confuses people or she might retaliate and attack someone for something perceived I might of defended her in the past, I’m not responsible for her keep your distance from the behaviours and become indifferent to them. It’s easier for me to type this on my phone than carrying it out it takes time my point is create yourself some goals “I want to detach” “I want to stop taking the bait when my ex tries to bait me” “I will stop JADE’ing” something to work towards to.

With the benefit of some space and time its even more obvious to me she has issues.   The projections, the "its your fault" the importance of image.

The fog begins to lift when you’re really seperated it slowly dissipates and like you said you see things in a different light you’re not around someone that distorts reality to cope or projects their anxiety and bad feelings on you.

The “it’s your fault” is projection and blame shifting and it can be triangulation]/url]it’s good to know what role everyone plays in a triangle.

[Turkish]

Your communication strategy is sound,  BIFF:

2.03 | B.I.F.F. Technique for Communications

I first read Stop Walking On Eggshells.  The EFG is said to be better. 

My kids were 1 and just turned 4 when we split. They are now 6 and 8.

My ex is also high functioning.  Only a couple of my friends observed something "off" about her in the beginning.

Her affair partner commented about her anger early on.  That resulted in DV a year after they married.  Mostly her. 

At this point we get along though,  but to say that there haven't been dramas (like the DV which I was on the verge of reporting).

How are your kids doing? I had to deal with they wanting us to get back together for almost 4 years.  How are they handling things? And how are you handling them?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi 3rdHill,

How are you doing?  I'm wondering how you are feeling at present regards the breakup of your marriage.  Are you in the process of divorce?  It is very tough having to deal with an ex who is dysfunctional in their behaviours when there is co parenting to communicate about.  I can relate to your frustrations.  What do you have the most difficulty with?

You mentioned seeking advice around boundaries.  That's a really good place to invest some thought and practice.  We have a useful article on Setting Boundaries which then leads to further discussion that you may find helpful.  Coming out of a BPD r/s we can find that we have sacrificed boundaries along the way and need to redefine then maintain them in order to honour our values.  Is your T supporting you with this?

Love and light x