Is he losing interest or BPD? (long distance)

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'll TRY to keep this short.
Me 26 (NY) and he 25(GA) met online around end of March. Talked a lot via text and eventually skyped. He told me he is seeing a therapist because he feels like he has problems. He mentioned he have trust issues, anxiety and depression and have issues with our parents physically abusing him when he was little. I was able to relate because I grew up in the same environment having low self esteem issues and trouble trusting others as well. But my life was a little smoother as I went to church when I was little. I grew up a lot (but this is it's whole another story). He also mentioned that he dated older men, how he can get dramatic, and seem to not be able to have a long term relationship. I didn't have much dating experience as I was working on developing myself since 19. I didn't recognize what he was telling me were 'red flags' and I actually like to date honest people.

In May, I flew to GA to see him for a weekend. We hit it off fast and I really like him. He asked me if I was going to ask him out to be his bf. I thought we were bf by default but I guess I did not thought of making it official. But his request was fair so I asked him to be my bf <3.
He asked me about my previous relationships. Before i met my current bf, I grew interested in another person around Nov of last year. However this person could not get over his ex so we never worked out. We'll call him friend X. My current bf knows of friend X via another friend. I told my current bf about my interest in friend X but did not mention his name. I did not want to cause any drama. (I mentioned friend X because this will be relevant in my story later).
He told me vaguely about his first and last relationship. I wanted to know more about him and his aspirations and ask him about what he's thinking and about his goals and he kinda said in a loving way he did not want to talk about it. I sensed there was something that he didn't want to say but I didn't want to force it and I was in my honeymoon phase.
I haven't felt this way for a long time. Our first fight a month later was about a game. I triggered him and he over reacted and told him it's just a game. But I was a hypocrite too as I was somewhat competitive. I also didn't have much experience being a boyfriend. So, in the heat of the moment we hanged up on each other and didn't talk/resolve it later on in the day. We fought over the game again and this time he threatened to leave the relationship. I was devastated but also had my pride. But then a few hours later he called me back and cried to get back together and "promise to fight for our relationship if this happens again." I was confused about the wording but I was just happy to analyze it.

Fast forward around July we met in person but we had another fight but this time a lot bigger. One fight led to another and eventually led to him apologizing and breaking up. I walked away and left him alone at the apartment because I cannot deal with the constant break up and make up drama. He told me later that he felt abandoned when I left him and that I should let my walls (I think he was referring to the emotional walls) down and that I do not have to be so strong around him. I realized that he had a good point and that he was more important than winning some silly arguments. We made up the next day.
That same day, we went to a bar and introduced him to a few of my friends (including friend X). Later that night (I was pretty drunk) when we head home, he suddenly asked me if my previous relationship was with friend X and I vaguely said yes. The next day he had a planned dinner with his friends and I didn't have plans so I ate dinner with my friends (friend X was there). I was open and honest about it when I told my current bf. That same night, he broke up with me (he never gave me a reason whether it was because of friend X or something else). I was extremely mad as to why is he doing this to me? I was tired of the drama so I just agreed. I told him he was super unreasonable and that it's best we broke up because I can't handle it.

The night before we have to physically separate, we cried in each other's arms and said how we will miss each other. I really love him and didn't feel that way since I was 18. I eventually decided that I want him back and sent him an e-card. He accepted it hesitantly. A few days later I called him while I was drunk and said I missed him. He asked me where and who I was with. I told him there's a lot of people but I only knew a few of them (including friend X and his bf). I think I mentioned I forgot his password to the game we played together. That same night he called me back and said he wants to end the relationship because he could not forget the fact that I abandoned him at the apartment (I think this was one of the reasons). I was pretty drunk that night and cried and pleaded to not go. We weren't physically together so there isn't much I can do besides respect his wishes. I was depressed the next few days. I started my new job as well so that kind of helped took my mind off him.

He called me back and cried and said if we can be back together. And that if he acted unreasonable again can he forgive me. I also cried and agreed. I recognized and accepted the fact that his 'over reaction' isn't over reaction, it's just his way of expressing himself. In actuality, I came to realize that to love someone I have to love his good qualities, but also the bad qualities. I can tell that he was genuinely a good boy and innocent inside. He would never do anything to harm anyone. I also realized that every time we fought, I was mad because he did not turn out the way I wanted him to be. And that was selfish of me.
We were due to see each other around end of July. But his plane was delayed due to thunderstorm. It stressed him out a lot. His initial response was something along the lines of, "I don't think this will work out, it would be much easier if you lived in Atlanta." So he had to take an amtrak to see me in NY. Everything was fine when we're in person. I never talked about the statement he made because I didn't want to ruin our moment together.

I made a surprise weekend visit to him and he was really happy. I could still see that there were things bother him but when I asked he wouldn't tell me about it and just hugged me. We parted ways and I was due to see him in mid Aug.
Between the surprise weekend visit and my next visit, I talk to him regularly via text and phone sometimes. He didn't text me back a lot and his texts were one worded answers. He did not have much to do besides stay home and watch tv and occasionally play video games so why can't he keep a conversation with me. I asked him about his day and he said "It's ok, you dont have to ask me about my day." I tell him about my day and he sounded irritated and replied, "It's ok, I don't care." I tell him about my plans to study for GMAT for MBA, he questioned if I even know what i want and that I did not have realistic goals. I was a little shocked by his comments but I kept my cool. The conversation led to friend X and how we broke up (we never started so not sure about what my bf is talking about) which led me to start the relationship with my him out of convenience (he thinks he's a bounceback?). Maybe he was just stressed out because school is starting for him again (he's a phd student).

Around mid Aug I went to see him again, and this time I sensed he was a little distanced. I split the experience between stressful and positive.
Stressful: I tell him minor issues at work and he would say something that would side with my coworker instead of me. We went to a spa together and he told me he was not ready to settle down until he was 35. When a stranger asked about our long distance relationship, he replied "we're figuring things out" I was super confused. He seemed to be dodging sex when I initiate. He normally cuddles with me but didn't do it and went straight to sleep. We used to watch twitter, instagram feeds via his phone but he didn't include me in it. He would do his own thing on his phone while I do my own thing and he didn't even care what I did. We usually drink from the same glass of water but he started to get a second glass for himself. We were supposed to go to ikea but he ended up going the week before I came over. I told him I can come again in two weeks and he said it's ok let's do this monthly instead. I see him spacing out and not as happy around me anymore. I confronted him about his comment about me starting the relationship out of convenience and he just says he doesn't want to talk about it (and doesn't want to talk about other intimate things). I sent him a song a week prior to the visit that he liked but he could not find it on spotify. When I saw him this weekend, he said he found it but thanks for sending him the song anyway.
Positive: We did talk about his family a little while we were distracted and watching tv. He laughed a lot to the comedy shows we watched. He also invited me to meet two of his friends. One of this friend mentioned that my bf  has his own thinking process and views and that he tends to be stubborn about his own views only (In my mind I'm like 'Yep, sounds just like him') But all jokes aside, we also played video games together and he seemed to be happy whether we lost or won. He gave me a t-shirt that he no longer wears. He tries to show he cares in his own way.
Overall, I tried not to let his words and actions affect me and kept the time we spent together as optimistic as possible. I tend to be optimistic anyway. I gave him a surprise gift because he requested it two weeks prior but seemed to have forgotten he asked for it. I went back to NY and he discovered the gift and texted me his thanks.

School started for him. I can tell he was stressed out. We played video games a few times a week and he would get upset very easily even when we won. He spent less and less time responding to me. I wasn't sure what other topics to talk about besides telling him to take things easy with school and make sure to relax. I share with him about my day and he was like "cool, it's ok, ok." But that's it. I tried to small but it takes two people to do that. I'm not good at one way small talk. His tone of voice didn't seem as engaging so I kept the conversation short like 5 minutes per day. It was depressing and I actually cried for several days and thought about where in our relationship went wrong. But I never brought it up because I'm good with handling stress and working on myself. I do admit, I have more time at hand which contributed to me overthinking (and I overthink a lot. It has gotten better over the years). He will be coming over this weekend and I am not sure if I want to talk to him about what's going on. I only foresee that he will shut down on me.

It's already a month now and I came across an article on BPD. I don't want to assume that he is. But he does display some features of it. We started off strong. Then the angry reactions, the passive aggressive, and the devaluing. I didn't read much on BPD being cold and distant though. And then all the things he said earlier before we were official actually makes sense now. He tries to do everything on his own and kind of invalidate all that I've done for him. He has a tendency to scratch his fingernails (it's basically torn up). I'm not entirely sure what is going on anymore. Did he lost interest or is it the stress that is causing him to be so distant. Is our relationship going to end?
He is a good guy, which is why this relationship (at least to me) is worth salvaging.

I tried to put as much details about our story. Sorry if it's lengthy but any insight would be helpful! Thanks!

[wenns]

I'll TRY to keep this short.
Me 26 (NY) and he 25(GA) met online around end of March. Talked a lot via text and eventually skyped. He told me he is seeing a therapist because he feels like he has problems. He mentioned he have trust issues, anxiety and depression and have issues with our parents physically abusing him when he was little. I was able to relate because I grew up in the same environment having low self esteem issues and trouble trusting others as well. But my life was a little smoother as I went to church when I was little. I grew up a lot (but this is it's whole another story). He also mentioned that he dated older men, how he can get dramatic, and seem to not be able to have a long term relationship. I didn't have much dating experience as I was working on developing myself since 19. I didn't recognize what he was telling me were 'red flags' and I actually like to date honest people.

In May, I flew to GA to see him for a weekend. We hit it off fast and I really like him. He asked me if I was going to ask him out to be his bf. I thought we were bf by default but I guess I did not thought of making it official. But his request was fair so I asked him to be my bf <3.
He asked me about my previous relationships. Before i met my current bf, I grew interested in another person around Nov of last year. However this person could not get over his ex so we never worked out. We'll call him friend X. My current bf knows of friend X via another friend. I told my current bf about my interest in friend X but did not mention his name. I did not want to cause any drama. (I mentioned friend X because this will be relevant in my story later).
He told me vaguely about his first and last relationship. I wanted to know more about him and his aspirations and ask him about what he's thinking and about his goals and he kinda said in a loving way he did not want to talk about it. I sensed there was something that he didn't want to say but I didn't want to force it and I was in my honeymoon phase.
I haven't felt this way for a long time. Our first fight a month later was about a game. I triggered him and he over reacted and told him it's just a game. But I was a hypocrite too as I was somewhat competitive. I also didn't have much experience being a boyfriend. So, in the heat of the moment we hanged up on each other and didn't talk/resolve it later on in the day. We fought over the game again and this time he threatened to leave the relationship. I was devastated but also had my pride. But then a few hours later he called me back and cried to get back together and "promise to fight for our relationship if this happens again." I was confused about the wording but I was just happy to analyze it.

Fast forward around July we met in person but we had another fight but this time a lot bigger. One fight led to another and eventually led to him apologizing and breaking up. I walked away and left him alone at the apartment because I cannot deal with the constant break up and make up drama. He told me later that he felt abandoned when I left him and that I should let my walls (I think he was referring to the emotional walls) down and that I do not have to be so strong around him. I realized that he had a good point and that he was more important than winning some silly arguments. We made up the next day.
That same day, we went to a bar and introduced him to a few of my friends (including friend X). Later that night (I was pretty drunk) when we head home, he suddenly asked me if my previous relationship was with friend X and I vaguely said yes. The next day he had a planned dinner with his friends and I didn't have plans so I ate dinner with my friends (friend X was there). I was open and honest about it when I told my current bf. That same night, he broke up with me (he never gave me a reason whether it was because of friend X or something else). I was extremely mad as to why is he doing this to me? I was tired of the drama so I just agreed. I told him he was super unreasonable and that it's best we broke up because I can't handle it.

The night before we have to physically separate, we cried in each other's arms and said how we will miss each other. I really love him and didn't feel that way since I was 18. I eventually decided that I want him back and sent him an e-card. He accepted it hesitantly. A few days later I called him while I was drunk and said I missed him. He asked me where and who I was with. I told him there's a lot of people but I only knew a few of them (including friend X and his bf). I think I mentioned I forgot his password to the game we played together. That same night he called me back and said he wants to end the relationship because he could not forget the fact that I abandoned him at the apartment (I think this was one of the reasons). I was pretty drunk that night and cried and pleaded to not go. We weren't physically together so there isn't much I can do besides respect his wishes. I was depressed the next few days. I started my new job as well so that kind of helped took my mind off him.

He called me back and cried and said if we can be back together. And that if he acted unreasonable again can he forgive me. I also cried and agreed. I recognized and accepted the fact that his 'over reaction' isn't over reaction, it's just his way of expressing himself. In actuality, I came to realize that to love someone I have to love his good qualities, but also the bad qualities. I can tell that he was genuinely a good boy and innocent inside. He would never do anything to harm anyone. I also realized that every time we fought, I was mad because he did not turn out the way I wanted him to be. And that was selfish of me.
We were due to see each other around end of July. But his plane was delayed due to thunderstorm. It stressed him out a lot. His initial response was something along the lines of, "I don't think this will work out, it would be much easier if you lived in Atlanta." So he had to take an amtrak to see me in NY. Everything was fine when we're in person. I never talked about the statement he made because I didn't want to ruin our moment together.

I made a surprise weekend visit to him and he was really happy. I could still see that there were things bother him but when I asked he wouldn't tell me about it and just hugged me. We parted ways and I was due to see him in mid Aug.
Between the surprise weekend visit and my next visit, I talk to him regularly via text and phone sometimes. He didn't text me back a lot and his texts were one worded answers. He did not have much to do besides stay home and watch tv and occasionally play video games so why can't he keep a conversation with me. I asked him about his day and he said "It's ok, you dont have to ask me about my day." I tell him about my day and he sounded irritated and replied, "It's ok, I don't care." I tell him about my plans to study for GMAT for MBA, he questioned if I even know what i want and that I did not have realistic goals. I was a little shocked by his comments but I kept my cool. The conversation led to friend X and how we broke up (we never started so not sure about what my bf is talking about) which led me to start the relationship with my him out of convenience (he thinks he's a bounceback?). Maybe he was just stressed out because school is starting for him again (he's a phd student).

Around mid Aug I went to see him again, and this time I sensed he was a little distanced. I split the experience between stressful and positive.
Stressful: I tell him minor issues at work and he would say something that would side with my coworker instead of me. We went to a spa together and he told me he was not ready to settle down until he was 35. When a stranger asked about our long distance relationship, he replied "we're figuring things out" I was super confused. He seemed to be dodging sex when I initiate. He normally cuddles with me but didn't do it and went straight to sleep. We used to watch twitter, instagram feeds via his phone but he didn't include me in it. He would do his own thing on his phone while I do my own thing and he didn't even care what I did. We usually drink from the same glass of water but he started to get a second glass for himself. We were supposed to go to ikea but he ended up going the week before I came over. I told him I can come again in two weeks and he said it's ok let's do this monthly instead. I see him spacing out and not as happy around me anymore. I confronted him about his comment about me starting the relationship out of convenience and he just says he doesn't want to talk about it (and doesn't want to talk about other intimate things). I sent him a song a week prior to the visit that he liked but he could not find it on spotify. When I saw him this weekend, he said he found it but thanks for sending him the song anyway.
Positive: We did talk about his family a little while we were distracted and watching tv. He laughed a lot to the comedy shows we watched. He also invited me to meet two of his friends. One of this friend mentioned that my bf  has his own thinking process and views and that he tends to be stubborn about his own views only (In my mind I'm like 'Yep, sounds just like him') But all jokes aside, we also played video games together and he seemed to be happy whether we lost or won. He gave me a t-shirt that he no longer wears. He tries to show he cares in his own way.
Overall, I tried not to let his words and actions affect me and kept the time we spent together as optimistic as possible. I tend to be optimistic anyway. I gave him a surprise gift because he requested it two weeks prior but seemed to have forgotten he asked for it. I went back to NY and he discovered the gift and texted me his thanks.

School started for him. I can tell he was stressed out. We played video games a few times a week and he would get upset very easily even when we won. He spent less and less time responding to me. I wasn't sure what other topics to talk about besides telling him to take things easy with school and make sure to relax. I share with him about my day and he was like "cool, it's ok, ok." But that's it. I tried to small but it takes two people to do that. I'm not good at one way small talk. His tone of voice didn't seem as engaging so I kept the conversation short like 5 minutes per day. It was depressing and I actually cried for several days and thought about where in our relationship went wrong. But I never brought it up because I'm good with handling stress and working on myself. I do admit, I have more time at hand which contributed to me overthinking (and I overthink a lot. It has gotten better over the years). He will be coming over this weekend and I am not sure if I want to talk to him about what's going on. I only foresee that he will shut down on me.

It's already a month now and I came across an article on BPD. I don't want to assume that he is. But he does display some features of it. We started off strong. Then the angry reactions, the passive aggressive, and the devaluing. I didn't read much on BPD being cold and distant though. And then all the things he said earlier before we were official actually makes sense now. He tries to do everything on his own and kind of invalidate all that I've done for him. He has a tendency to scratch his fingernails (it's basically torn up). I'm not entirely sure what is going on anymore. Did he lost interest or is it the stress that is causing him to be so distant. Is our relationship going to end?
He is a good guy, which is why this relationship (at least to me) is worth salvaging.

I tried to put as much details about our story. Sorry if it's lengthy but any insight would be helpful! Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

We're glad you are here.  This is a great place to get support for those in relationships with BPD partners.  Dealing with a BPD relationship can be stressful and confusing, but there are things we can do to make things better, or at least prevent ourselves from making them worse.  Take a look at this Three-Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict..  Do any of the things taught there seem to apply to your relationship?

RC