Disappearing socks...I need to vent

[formflier]

Thanks for the kind words.

I do have a strategy for expressing thanks and appreciation.  She is sometimes quick to be dismissive or argue about my sincerity, so while I'm deliberate about often saying thanks, I stay succinct and keep it from my perspective "I appreciate it" (so in theory it can't be argued with).

If/when she does argue... .I'll restate once that's how I feel and drop the matter.

That's generally morphed into she stays silent or occasionally say "just doing my job".  I also don't engage much on "just doing my job" because it is really close to YOU aren't doing your job FF (which is core issue of an odd world view)

Anyway... .I'm going to post again in a few minutes about how I feel about this episode... .perhaps what I've learned.

FF

[formflier]

A few thoughts now that this has passed and I'm looking back.


Obviously, for me it was about more than socks.  Most likely I say it as a rejection of my efforts to "love my family" (I'm an acts of service guy).  I did her idea and she and kids rejected it... and then had the gall to be upset about the consequences of their own rejection.


I realized that it was a big deal so I posted here... venting and looking for input.


And I got some really valuable input.

"how important is it really" which is a close cousin to "what is actually important here".    That drove me to think about how me organizing a search party could be seen as "rescuing" or "getting out in front of" her solving her own stuff.  

Ultimately I decided to wait to be specifically asked for help and let her solve her own stuff, which she did.

There were also some comments about "fighting something that hasn't happened yet".  Something I don't handle well (still) is finding the right balance between "preparing reasonably" and "ruminating about an argument that hasn't happened yet (and likely won't ever)".

You don't want to be blindsided, yet you also don't want to spend precious energy and worry when you don't have to.  As we see... I didn't have to spend what I spent.

There certainly were other good points as well.

I'm going to put this in victory column and move on.  The "process" worked for me.  When I realized I was "triggered" (or whatever you want to call it) I posted here, vented and got reoriented.

Thanks for helping me think this through!

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Hey, FF--something occurs to me about the fact that we're both Js on the Meyers Briggs scale.

I love structure and order and like everything to have a place. If you use a tool, it goes back in its place when you're done.

That is not how I grew up, in a household with a chaotic BPD mom. Every drawer was a "junk drawer" and finding things was a regular challenge. Even as a young child, I organized the linen closet, the kitchen shelves, the drawers--all to no avail. Chaos would reemerge almost immediately. I remember showing my mother my organizational structures--telling her to put the bath towels on this shelf and the bed linens on another shelf. To my dismay, all my beautiful organization would only last a few days until everything was back to random.

I could imagine you being pleasantly surprised when your wife bought the organizers for your daughters' clothes, other than about the price tag. But when that concept didn't last, if I were in your shoes (with socks), I certainly would have felt frustrated.

I often think, "How much effort does it take to put something back where it belongs?"

But of course, other people don't think along these lines and I've been called a perfectionist, rigid, uptight and worse, just because I like tidiness. 

[formflier]

Amen to order!

And you can appreciate that 8 kids tend to "undo" order.  Then... .add some high functioning BPD in there as well.

It plays out and affects me the worst in the garage.  I do lots of my own work on vehicles (lots of emotional satisfaction there)... .it breaks... its fixed... .FF declares victory.


Anyway, over the years I've accumulated a lot of very expensive tools.  And also have spent some money on organization.

So... .when FF is done and I've had time to be in the garage, you can open a drawer and quickly select the right size screwdriver.  

Let me get busy with things, let the kids do some of their own projects, some under the direction of Mrs Chaos... .and then it looks like a hurricane hit the garage.  

ON the surface it appears their projects go quickly and that mine go slow.  However, when mine are over another can be started right away with no time spent "hunting" for things, since I can almost put my hand on it blindfolded.

Whereas asking Mrs FF where D5 put (fill in the blank) leads to an unimaginable game of Inspector Clouseau figuring things out.

Sometimes it really irks me... .most of the time I'm able to keep a tight lipped smile and help restore order.

https://youtu.be/CzycofSj7EM

A perfect metaphor for how BPD live their lives... .
FF

[Red5]

Late to the thread, crazy around here!... .

I remember “disappearing” socks, so what did Red5 the single dad do?

Well... .you know the enevitable mismatched sock pile that seems to grow by the dryer... .even as everyone did their own laundry on an assigned day... .well me being a hoarder, I always kept these orphan socks... .mismatched socks... .and if they were never claimed they went into the “scuz rag” bag for cleaning and shining working parties ; )

So say one of my sons or my daughter said to me at oh’ dark thirty on a school day, “dad, I can’t find any socks to wear”... .then I would reply... .“go take a mismatched pair outa the “grab bag” in the laundry room”... .“clean “holy moly” socks is better than no socks at all”... .

To be honest, only my daughter had any issue about wearing “missmached” socks... .

After having to wear “grab bag”; or soon to be “holy rag”... .or future “scuz rag” ’socks, .the “attention to detail” about the laundering and stowage of ones own socks increased  !

We will talk about trying to find the scissors next thread ha ha ha !

Y’all have a nice day!

Red5

[Red5]

Highjack!

Yeah... .laundry detail underway  ; )

Sometimes you send your laundry bag away, and you never see it again!

Oh’ the stories I could tell about laundry and being on cruise !

Red5

[juju2]

Hi ff,
Hope you know me, am not being critical.

What i see happened to me, the scenarios, i would like to say/do x, and he will probably say/do y, which isnt positive/what I want, etc... .

What i saw was I wasn't being authentic, wasn't living in the present... .I was living in a self imposed constraint... .not owning or even knowing my.true.voice.  because i was so busy pasting and trimming my behaviour and expression for what result was acceptable for the picture I needed... .

All of this can be resolved for me, if i turn my life and my will, over to the care of my Higher Power,
God.  I am convinced that my God loves me, exactly as i am, not the new improved way I should be around him and his disease.

Its simple and not easy.   I like the fact that most times there is nothing for me to do or say.
Its like being free.  Being who I am created to be.
Where is that person, where did she go.?

[Enabler]

Had a little chuckle about the garage tool scenario and organising the laundry cupboard as a kid. I don’t know if anyone knows anything about Entropy, basically it tales energy to preserve order. Take our bodies for example. It takes the vast majority of the energy that we consume to retain the cellular order to preserve ‘us’. Remove the energy and we die trough disorder. Eventually disorder turns to decay and given enough time we blend into the soil such that we’re indistinguishable from dirt. It tales effort to maintain order, effort that some divert to other areas of their life... .maybe on taking care on their feelings of inadequacy, self hatred or even just to aatisfy their individual sense of entitlement. Why is it that I know where the Cumin is EXACTLY to the shelf and jar from 50 miles away when my W calls me from the kitchen. Why is it that I know where a jigsaw or router bits are in my shed, because I have put the effort into knowing. I’ve the spare head space to care.

Me knowing these details just makes my wife feel worse about herself. Reinforces her inadequacies and that’s my fault. It’s my fault for being competent and having the headspace. I’ve found myself apologising for this in the past. I’m glad I understand I don’t have to apologise for being fortunate anymore.