He called.to apologize: "I don't want to be that person."

[BasementDweller]

 "HEY! This is your choice to get a divorce, I'm the one that's supposed to be kicking and screaming and I'm not. Do what you've got to do, be civil and treat me like a regular human being. I may not like what you are doing and I'm sure as hell not going to help you or make it easy for you, I may even hate you for what you are doing, I may want to scream and shout in your face for what you are doing... .but I'm not... .SO GET ON WITH DOING WHAT YOU SAY YOU NEED TO DO, the door is open, no one is stopping you, just do it with some dignity and integrity please. I'm not going to die, I AM GOING TO THRIVE."

But there's no point in saying that.

No, haha! No good will come of that, and that might be the fodder she needs to have her own psychotic break.

But what you describe is EXTREMELY frustrating. I recall with zero fondness the silent treatment or refusal to discuss anything with me, while petulantly sulking. This is so difficult for the non, because non-disordered thinkers feel compelled (and rightly so) to acknowledge and discuss problems, and actually solve them, not let them fester like a rancid boil.

You have heard of the four subtypes of Borderline right? Not the witch, waif, queen, hermit... .but these:

    Discouraged borderline
    Impulsive borderline
    Petulant borderline
    Self-destructive borderline

My ex was to an absolute T, 100% in the petulant category. Textbook.

Petulant Borderline

Individuals showing petulant borderline characteristics are unpredictable and difficult to please. They are often irritable and prone to outbursts of anger and frustration, and they are impatient with other people and quick to become disillusioned when they don’t get what they want.

As a consequence of their tendency to be willful and defiant, people with petulant borderline traits are often stubborn, defensive, and unwilling to admit when they are wrong. Their relationships can be loving but are always complex, and they often engage in passive-aggressive behaviors as a way of lashing out at people who displease them.

https://www.bridgestorecovery.com/borderline-personality-disorder/types-borderline-personality-disorder/

To describe the petulant borderline, it’s best to use Millon’s own words from his book. “Unpredictable, irritable, impatient, complaining, defiant, disgruntled, stubborn, pessimistic and resentful”. The petulant borderline is basically a ticking time-bomb, a volcano waiting to explode. He’s neither a loner nor a sheep—in fact, he doesn’t really know what he is, split between wanting to be with people and wanting them to all go away in order to avoid disappointment. He often drives people away from him anyway, apart from the most patient or those who truly love him, and those who stay around him he often ends up making miserable. Main BPD symptoms include: Suspicion/paranoia, anger, mood swings, lack of contact with reality. (This is the most accurate description of my ex I have ever seen. I could have written it myself.)

https://thriveworks.com/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms-facts/

Symptoms:

   An inability to express feelings
    Outbursts of anger
    Feelings of being unworthy and unloved
    Socially anxious
    Extreme fear of abandonment
    A need to control others
    Experiencing dissatisfaction in relationships
    Co-occurring disorders, such as substance abuse or eating disorders
    Suspicion of others/paranoia in relationships
    Self-harm tendencies
    Intense mood swings
    Posing ultimatums in relationships
    “Proving” that someone doesn’t love her
    Constantly searching for validation
    Push and pull in relationships
    Wanting others to feel guilty for their actions, or lack of actions
    Negative
    Passive-Aggressive https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-passive-aggressive-behavior-2795481
    Shutting others out of their lives
    Using suicidal behavior or self-injurious behaviors to control others

https://www.optimumperformanceinstitute.com/BPD-treatment/petulant-borderline-personality-disorder/

Of course many of these symptoms exist in all types of BPD, but my ex did all of these in spades, and his main trait that seemed to color everything was negativity. Severe negativity - and extreme defensiveness and impatience. This type is so damn difficult because the victim mentality runs deep as hell, and shutting out and silent treatment are their favorite tools. Do you think your wife falls strongly into one of the subtypes?

[Enabler]

My W is somewhere fluctuating between Waif and Queen, although the anger exhibited is now passive aggressive. She just to be more openly angry and violent but after I bit back and she realised it was not socially cool, she internalised her anger... .but anger always finds a pore to seep out of. I can certainly empathise with the constant sense of negativity. I wouldn't say I'm a super positive person although do have a can-do attitude, however I'd like to think that my negativity it grounded in experience, understanding and facts. My W's negativity is typically based on her feelings rather than any facts e.g. most meat that I ever cook gets the reaction of "that meat's not cooked"... .before I've even cut into it or she's felt how hot it is. Or, the plane's going to leave without us. If there's an extreme conclusion to come to, she'll come to it.

Certainly a very interesting list which ticks an awful lot of boxes. Even a few of those from the list can be tough to deal with in a relationship.

I might add that I am not being at all proactive in wanting to discuss the divorce. As far as I am concerned, it is her gig, if she wants to bringing it up, she can and I will participate where necessary, but there is nothing proactive about my stance.

Enabler

[stixx44]

Wow, BD!  That list of symptoms hit me squarely on the head.  Aside from the self-harm symptom, my ex exhibited all the others in spades!  Lucky for her, she does have a core group of three people who have known her for over 40 years who seem to really love her and know how to deal with her.

As a matter of fact, as I look back on our volatile r/s, whenever my ex would start spiraling out of control and focus her anger on me like a laser in front of these people, they would tell me to “ignore it... .let it go.  It will pass.”  Of course I didn’t know what illness I was dealing with, and I would defend myself and usually wind up leaving.

I think they knew more about her than they let on.  It would’ve been helpful if one of them clued me in so I might have reacted differently. 

[Enabler]

Hey stixx44,

Not to encourage you to tick boxes but I wanted to make sure you were aware that self-harm doesn't necessarily need to be cutting (although often is). It could be anything from burning, scolding, pulling hair out, hitting things with the intent to cause oneself pain, anorexia or bulimia, any route to cause oneself pain, often as a distraction from the emotional pain the sufferer is feeling.

Enabler

[BasementDweller]

My W's negativity is typically based on her feelings rather than any facts e.g. most meat that I ever cook gets the reaction of "that meat's not cooked"... .before I've even cut into it or she's felt how hot it is. Or, the plane's going to leave without us. If there's an extreme conclusion to come to, she'll come to it.

Certainly a very interesting list which ticks an awful lot of boxes. Even a few of those from the list can be tough to deal with in a relationship.

Oy... .I'm sorry you have to endure this. It really shocked me when I started reading about the subtypes, because they really do exhibit some very different (and many of the same) traits. But my ex fit the petulant subtype so well, it was eerie. He also had the same type of negativity that you described of your wife. It is so sad, because he dwells in such a negative world and that has to feel horrible. My ex also had multiple criticisms based around how everything was done, and always hovered when I was cooking, doing laundry, anything really, to advise, boss, and correct. Drove me nuts!

And yes, he almost always assumed the worst WOULD happen. Paranoia was a huge thing, and he frequently misread things to mean that people were out to get him. Sometime last year, the Migration department needed some additional information from me regarding my residence permit here. He panicked, thinking they were looking for a way to deport me, and started demanding the case officer's contact info so he could write to her and "set her straight". (My god, how fast would THAT have gotten me deported?)

In lieu of contacting her, he wrote a dramatic, emotional, and completely inappropriate letter to the U.S. Embassy, who have absolutely nothing to do with this process. Thankfully, nothing came of it.   I convinced him to let me read the letter.  Aaaaaand... .he thought it necessary to let them know about his burning love for me as well as all my personal information, and that one of my exes "broke my heart" and since I was a "downtrodden victim of love" I needed to stay here in this country with him, my loving savior.

Less than a year later he "deported" me from our home and relationship. I refrained from reporting this to the embassy, however. ;-)

He also gets ideas in his head that people are doing bad things that they shouldn't be doing, so he often makes an ass of himself going off on people for these perceived transgressions, that rarely if ever have any basis in reality. Most recently, he completely terrified two young girls working in a bank, because he blamed them for giving his crazy BPD mom a loan he thought she wouldn't be responsible enough to pay off. He didn't even take the time to find out WHO approved the loan. Just went into the bank and started ranting. He sure was pleased with himself, bragging about how he "set them straight". He loves to "set people straight".

I might add that I am not being at all proactive in wanting to discuss the divorce. As far as I am concerned, it is her gig, if she wants to bringing it up, she can and I will participate where necessary, but there is nothing proactive about my stance.

I did the same when it came to my ex destroying our relationship. Eventually, as we discussed, staying became a non-sustainable option, so I finally did leave... .but he didn't actually have any involvement in the process, and was even angrier with me once I did go.

Wow, BD!  That list of symptoms hit me squarely on the head.  Aside from the self-harm symptom, my ex exhibited all the others in spades!  Lucky for her, she does have a core group of three people who have known her for over 40 years who seem to really love her and know how to deal with her.

As a matter of fact, as I look back on our volatile r/s, whenever my ex would start spiraling out of control and focus her anger on me like a laser in front of these people, they would tell me to “ignore it... .let it go.  It will pass.”  Of course I didn’t know what illness I was dealing with, and I would defend myself and usually wind up leaving.

I think they knew more about her than they let on.  It would’ve been helpful if one of them clued me in so I might have reacted differently. 

Hi Stixx44!  So it sounds like you had a similar ride to the one I had. Ugh... .I'm sorry to hear it. I always said I wish I had acquired a BPD manual prior to meeting my ex, so maybe I could have done differently. There's a good chance nothing would have worked, but man, I wish I'd had at least some kind of idea of what I was dealing with.