Unmasked in front of friends. Is it over?

[MeAndPeppa]

rst thread on here after reading for the past 6 months. The past few months I have been on and off with my uBPDexgf of 1 year.

I met her on a dating app this time last year and just like everyones story she came on fast and strong. She was charming/beautiful, so the attention was nice as I was going through a hard time in life, but that was the first (of many!) red flags I ignored. I was a bit nervous about the amount of attention I was receiving, but I do well with women so I  took it as a (much needed at the time) ego boost.

She had just recently moved from Washington state to California to run away from her "cheating" and "abusive" ex husband of 4 years (poor guy, little did I know she was the cheating and abusive partner in the relationship). She is in her early twenties and I was the "first" person she had dated since the divorce. I was the white knight savior she had been looking for! She had found her soul mate and I had found mine, it did wonders for my ego and self esteem as I seem to lean a bit towards narcissism, but I digress.

The first 3-4 months were too good to be true, but you know what is soon  to follow. Not to go into too many details, but the year that followed was a living hell... Raging, physical abuse, std accusations, accusations of physical abuse (never touched her), gun pulled on me, 2 recycles, cheating, etc... etc... all while practically begging me to marry her. you know, the normal stuff!  Welcome new member (click to insert in post) I Over the course of the relationship I slowly began to recognize what was happening, it felt like I have been a part of this dynamic many, MANY, times before as I tend to attract cluster B women. My mother is a diagnosed (but self aware) BPD with narcissistic tendencies. My new relationship mirrored that of the relationship dynamic ive known my whole life! but that's a different story.

Fast forward to this past July: we had been dating for 9 months when I received a message from udBPDex ex husband outlining a much different account of their relationship and the divorce to follow. Come to find out all of the stories I (and all of our mutual friends) were being fed about what he had done to her, was actually what she had did to him. She was physically abusive and had 5 affairs over the course of their 4 year marriage. At the end of their marriage she packed up without saying a thing and moved in with her affair partner. They then moved from Washington to California to get away from her "terrible" ex husband and start fresh. Hearing all of this was very validating as I felt like NOBODY understood what I was going through and the abuse I was taking for idk what reason. He then began to tell me the timelines for all of these events, come to find out not only was she still married at the time I met her, but she was having an affair with me on her affair partner, ended up ghosting him (got his name from ex husband and fb messaged him asking for details and told him the truth about the situation). all the while technically still having 2 affairs on her ex husband as they were still not officially divorced (try to keep up! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

It was crushing to me to say the least. My gut had the feeling she may have been cheating, but I was never able to prove it until that point. I let her walk over other boundaries, but cheating is an absolute deal breaker to me. I called her and told her I received the messages and know the truth and went no contact following. NC allowed me to feel good about myself and regain any self respect/ control I had left. I was healing, I was feeling good! A month of silence on her part, then she started with the apologizing, love bombing, "youre different" , etc etc via email as I had her blocked on everything else. I ignored this for a month or so, but slowly began to spend time together as we neared September (our one year mark).

Fast forward to the night of our 1 year anniversary. We decide to grab dinner and drinks at a popular restaurant downtown where our group of mutual friends tend to frequent. At this point the only people who know what truly happened is the ex husband, me, her, and her other affair partner; our mutual friends all think I am a controlling and abusive person due to her previous smear campaigns. We are having a great night when I see one of her friends sitting at the bar motioning for us to come hang out. I didn't want to spend our 1 year with her friend, but was afraid if I were to rock the boat and say this it may cause her to react and ruin the night, so I roll with it. The moment her friend came into the picture, the whole tone of the night changed. It went from "I love you, lets get married" talk to "I don't even know why im with you, don't talk to me" almost the second she got involved. I had a few drinks and wouldn't tolerate the disrespect after everything that had happened, so I decided to "unmask" her and the truth for her friend to hear. Told her EVERYTHING right in front of my BPDex, I could see the panic and rage in her face. It honestly felt GREAT in the moment (still does most the time honestly), but sometimes I do feel bad as I know it probably hurt her more than I could understand (there goes my co dependency).

It has been exactly one month since that night. I have reached out twice since, once telling her "I still love you" (drunk), and the other was a nasty email I sent when I was upset thinking about everything that happened, both without response. I am getting the silent treatment. It had happened once before when she felt I had slighted her, but only lasted a week. It honeslty has been a blessing not being in contact for the past month as I have felt a lot of healing and processing taking place. I am slowly coming out of the fog and it feels GREAT. A part of me of course still wonders, so my questions is,

do you think she will break silent treatment after I outed her in this fashion?

Do you think I’m painted black forever?

She tends to go back and talk to some exes, but others she paints black and that's it. Id like to think she loved me and cared for me more than some of the other men, but that's probably more of an ego thing than anything.

Sorry for rambling, this is my first post and it has felt really good getting it out as I haven't spoke to anyone about this besides ironically my mom (Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)!). Anyways, any advice would be awesome. Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

the year that followed was a living hell... Raging, physical abuse, std accusations, accusations of physical abuse (never touched her), gun pulled on me, 2 recycles, cheating, etc... etc... all while practically begging me to marry her.

wow. thats a great deal to endure over the long term, let alone close together. it must have been really hard to ever have a sense that things were grounded.

it sounds like things were a serious whirlwind, and the ending was every bit as explosive. i can certainly understand that there may be a lot of unresolved feelings here.

first and foremost, i think a strong support system is critical. id encourage you not just to read, but to get involved in the community. post about whats going on with you. post to others, it can keep you in problem solving mode. and a shared, supportive community has innumerable benefits.

its difficult to say whether or not she will reach out, whats on her mind at the moment or what will be tomorrow. i can tell you that people in general, when close relationships end on a bad/explosive note, tend to have a lot of regrets, what ifs, and probably some of the opposite at the same time... .negative feelings, things like that. she probably, at least at times, feels similarly to you. and people often want to end things on a better note, or more. will that spur her to contact you, its hard to say for sure, but its possible.

what do you think she might say if she did? how would you respond?

[Inquisitive1]

Based on the description of all the negatives, I wonder if it might be best for you, and maybe her too, to take a break from that relationship.

[MeAndPeppa]

wow. thats a great deal to endure over the long term, let alone close together. it must have been really hard to ever have a sense that things were grounded.

it sounds like things were a serious whirlwind, and the ending was every bit as explosive. i can certainly understand that there may be a lot of unresolved feelings here.

Having the sense of never being grounding is something I grew up to believe was "normalish" and is something I with have continued to struggle with into my early adult life (27). So in a sense it all felt like more of the same, maybe even comfortable.

It has been ALOT to digest. I alternate between extreme anger and shame to feeling bad and wanting to help her through those feelings. She had a tough childhood paired with sexual abuse and absent parents, something I fully relate to (not the sexual abuse) and I am empathetic towards(I think they may have manifested in us in different ways... BPD her / narcissism & codependancy in me).  I want so badly to help her navigate her way through the emotions, but I am no where near equipped to help as I have my own set of issues that have come from a similar upbringing. I have brought up therapy an uncountable number of times and understand you cant help someone who does not want to help themselves. Its hard

I am self aware with a high emotional IQ as I have dealt with mentally ill people my entire life through both of my FOO. I have been in and out of therapy and work hard to better myself and blessed to have a family who is understanding and mostly self aware themselves (don't hear many people with similar stories)

first and foremost, i think a strong support system is critical. id encourage you not just to read, but to get involved in the community. post about whats going on with you. post to others, it can keep you in problem solving mode. and a shared, supportive community has innumerable benefits.


A support system is very much needed! It felt so good just getting that off my chest to people other than her ex who may understand these feelings and people like you who have validated them (THANK YOU!) Like I said, my FOO is understanding, but my mom has her own set of limitations and that is primarily the only person I have in my life. I spend hours reading similar stories, I would love to start responding and helping others going through something similiar

its difficult to say whether or not she will reach out, whats on her mind at the moment or what will be tomorrow. i can tell you that people in general, when close relationships end on a bad/explosive note, tend to have a lot of regrets, what ifs, and probably some of the opposite at the same time... .negative feelings, things like that. she probably, at least at times, feels similarly to you. and people often want to end things on a better note, or more. will that spur her to contact you, its hard to say for sure, but its possible.

what do you think she might say if she did? how would you respond?

I think about times she will reach out in times like these. I picture her telling me how she feels, me validating and accepting her while she does the same for me in return. NEVER has happened like that as she flips the situation, projects all of the issues and disagreements on me, then waits for an apology for her bad behavior. In times past I have held out, then in times when I am feeling more understanding and empathetic I take the high road and realize its not in her to resolve conflict, so I apologize.

If she ere to reach out I would be blamed for the problems we encountered that night. I would be considered "abusive" for calling her out on her abusive behavior. She would want an apology followed by me chasing her. I have learned over time not to JADE, but she makes it very hard not to (or maybe I lack the willpower)

Getting reponses to my story feels SO good, cant even explain. Im being heard for the first time, Id like to extend that feeling to others on the board. THANK YOU

[MeAndPeppa]

Based on the description of all the negatives, I wonder if it might be best for you, and maybe her too, to take a break from that relationship.

Yes, breaks always seem to do us well. Since getting a better understanding of the dynamic taking place I have done well not to push issues and let time pass in between. In times of clarity or vulnerability she understands there is an issue and wants to get better. But clearly does not want it bad enough to get into therapy or make any lasting changes in her life. I know it would never be a fully "functional" relationship, but with therapy and effective tools for conflict, I would like to support the both of our journey to becoming healthier mentally. Probably being a bit idealistic, but I love this women.

I am hoping with quiet time between us she will come back around, or at least I hope. I am not entirely sure what part of me wants that to happen or what motive I may have behind it (the girl I love, my ego, my friend, sex, you get the idea)

[once removed]

hi MeAndPeppa,

i saw your other post on Detaching. i encourage you to pick a path, rather than cross post on both boards. Detaching support and advice is completely different than Bettering support and advice.

personally, id stick with Bettering for now. learn the tools. if the two of you get back together, youre going to need them. not only can you use them with the other difficult people in your life, but they work with anyone and everyone; i use them all the time.

youve sent two emails since the blow up at dinner, do i have that right? one said "i still love you" and one slagged her. is that right?

[MeAndPeppa]

hi MeAndPeppa,

i saw your other post on Detaching. i encourage you to pick a path, rather than cross post on both boards. Detaching support and advice is completely different than Bettering support and advice.

personally, id stick with Bettering for now. learn the tools. if the two of you get back together, youre going to need them. not only can you use them with the other difficult people in your life, but they work with anyone and everyone; i use them all the time.

youve sent two emails since the blow up at dinner, do i have that right? one said "i still love you" and one slagged her. is that right?

Yes, 2 texts over the course of the past month

[Radcliff]

once removed has good advice about picking a path.  You are sending mixed messages to her.

Do you have expectations that you would be able to lead her through the change she needs to go through?

RC

[once removed]

Yes, 2 texts over the course of the past month

so the last exchange between the two of you ended on a bad note.

you mentioned in the other thread that you hesitate to apologize or break NC, do i have that right?

[MeAndPeppa]

so the last exchange between the two of you ended on a bad note.

you mentioned in the other thread that you hesitate to apologize or break NC, do i have that right?

Yes last exchange from me was an upset text, no response to that or the I love you text that was a week prior.

I hesitate to do both as I want to give her space and part of me is still angry at all the damage that has been done throughout the course of relationship. I am sorry for the things I said and do wish to communicate that to her, I don’t know when the right time would be to do so.

[MeAndPeppa]

once removed has good advice about picking a path.  You are sending mixed messages to her.

Do you have expectations that you would be able to lead her through the change she needs to go through?

RC

That is a great question, I appreciate that. I would very much like to travel the journey for better mental health together, but that takes someone recognizing the problem and a commitment to see it through. She knows something is wrong sometimes, most the time it’s the other persons fault (the teacher for failing her, friend for letting her drive home drunk and wreck her car, me for just about anything). I recognize I most definitely played a role in certain interactions and issues, but the lack of self awareness or accountability is troubling.

In a perfect world, yes I would be there to support and learn better tools to navigate the relationship. Realistically I don’t know if she is far enough down the road of her journey or understanding to make that a reality!

At what cost does that come?

[livednlearned]

If you could have a do-over of the night with her and the friend, would you do the same thing and expose her?

I'm not able to tell from your post if you feel good about it, or if you feel remorseful -- no judgment either way, I'm just trying to figure out how you're looking back on that night.

You feel she deserved it. It felt good to get it off your chest.

She felt terribly shamed and attacked, and would like an apology.

That might be her way of trying to recover the relationship, offering you a way to downsize your arsenal through an apology, to level things in a way.

[Radcliff]

OK, it sounds like you understand that she owns her own recovery, which is good.  livednlearned asks a good quesiton; let us know your thoughts on that.

RC

[MeAndPeppa]

If you could have a do-over of the night with her and the friend, would you do the same thing and expose her?

I'm not able to tell from your post if you feel good about it, or if you feel remorseful -- no judgment either way, I'm just trying to figure out how you're looking back on that night.

You feel she deserved it. It felt good to get it off your chest.

She felt terribly shamed and attacked, and would like an apology.

That might be her way of trying to recover the relationship, offering you a way to downsize your arsenal through an apology, to level things in a way.

If I could go back, no I wouldn’t have handled the situation how I have. I saw her in the hour leading up to the incident getting worked up emotionally, in retrospect I would have made a conscious effort to minimize her stress and deescalate.

Major events, holidays, and vacations tend to be stressful times for her, I see her behaviors begin to rear there ugly head. If I were able to not take it personally the situation could have been handled better. A comdination of built up resentment and alcohol brought me to react how I did.

So to answer the question, in the moment it felt good to vent. Now that time has passed I feel remorseful and would like to apologize but want it to be at the right time for the right reason. (After space and time to process everything that has happened and not just out of the fear of either one of us moving on)

I fear the silence may lead her to believe I don’t care and attempt to replace to minimize her hurt feelings. Don’t know how to go about the situation

[MeAndPeppa]

I decided to message her. We’re now a little over a month, I’m hoping she may be receptive

“Im not proud of the way I reacted and it must have been hurtful. I am sorry. I’ve wanted to tell you so many times but haven’t been sure  how to break the ice.”

I don’t assume she will respond, but it felt good to apologize as it has been weighing on me. Have to wait and see

[once removed]

“Im not proud of the way I reacted and it must have been hurtful. I am sorry. I’ve wanted to tell you so many times but haven’t been sure  how to break the ice.”

I don’t assume she will respond, but it felt good to apologize as it has been weighing on me. Have to wait and see

she may not respond initially... .i wouldnt necessarily read to much into it if she doesnt. there are a lot of hard feelings. the apology was a good will gesture. it may get the "thawing" process started, so to speak.

any update?

[MeAndPeppa]

she may not respond initially... .i wouldnt necessarily read to much into it if she doesnt. there are a lot of hard feelings. the apology was a good will gesture. it may get the "thawing" process started, so to speak.

any update?

she responded about an hour after i sent it saying "Im done" to which I responded "wanted to let you know". 30 seconds later she texted me asking to leave her alone, so I did just that and didn't respond. In times past I typically respond back with something non threatening as she seems to respond (a lot of the times when she asked me to leave her alone it seems like she wanted me to keep going.)

Her response showed me it got to her, I know she must have appreciated it. I like the term "thawing" as I am trying to take it slow and do things the right way instead of diving head first back into the dysfunction like we've done in times past. Im hoping since Im not pushing the issue she won't feel threatened and text me on her own some time this week.

Small interaction, but its a step in a different direction. Ill give it a bit of time to see how it plays out

[Harri]

 

Ill give it a bit of time to see how it plays out

Hi.  I think it is important IMO to let her approach you next.  Not as a power play but to show her your respect her request to not contact her, that you are willing to listen to her and respect her wishes.  Not responding to her right away like you have before is good.  Just leave it be now.  It will be hard but do it anyway.   

[Radcliff]

Good work on the apology.  That's good karma whatever way things end up 

RC