Evolution: from emotional regulator to nearly invisible

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Libra wrote:

It is the first time I am conscious of this process. I could actually feel my jaw clench while driving home. I could feel all emotion being shoved away.
I am not happy with this. People around me are laughing and having fun. I am sitting with them, looking in. Why can they simply have fun? I want to be on their side. I do not want to be locked up in this quiet, dark pond.

I will try to get pull myself out of this next week, when I have room for self-reflection.

Meanwhile, the show will go on.

Libra,   I don’t have any specific advice for you at the moment.  But, I want you to know I can identify and empathize with every bit of what you wrote above.

I encourage you to stay with this. Keep digging and chipping away. Some of it is really hard, but we are here for you. We can listen and support and encourage you.

Most of all, I want to tell you that you are worthy of this work, time and effort.

Sending you gentle hugs and soft, understanding smiles,

L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

Libra wrote:

It is the first time I am conscious of this process. I could actually feel my jaw clench while driving home. I could feel all emotion being shoved away.
I am not happy with this. People around me are laughing and having fun. I am sitting with them, looking in. Why can they simply have fun? I want to be on their side. I do not want to be locked up in this quiet, dark pond.

I will try to get pull myself out of this next week, when I have room for self-reflection.

Meanwhile, the show will go on.

Libra,   I don’t have any specific advice for you at the moment.  But, I want you to know I can identify and empathize with every bit of what you wrote above.

I encourage you to stay with this. Keep digging and chipping away. Some of it is really hard, but we are here for you. We can listen and support and encourage you.

Most of all, I want to tell you that you are worthy of this work, time and effort.

Sending you gentle hugs and soft, understanding smiles,

L2T

[Libra]

Hi,

Thank you all for your replies.
Your support is so real and helps me come back and strive for better every time.

I will not be able to reply to all today (bed-time here), but I will be back... .

 
Libra.

[Libra]

Hello Kwamina,

I am ready.

Why do you think you are having such a hard time processing these numbers? What do these numbers tell you? Do you perhaps feel like you've maybe been in denial about the severity of what you've been through?

Yes, I have been in denial. I have often felt like an impostor on these boards: yes, I had issues, and yes, I could certainly learn a lot here, but I did not realize/accept that I had actually suffered any real abuse. How can you suffer from something that isn't even there? And how can you carry that all the way into your adult life? It took those numbers and reading about it (www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalNeglectComplexPTSD.pdf) to understand that I have reasons to be so messed up and that they are not simply all my fault.

Could you tell us a bit more about the links you were making? In what ways do you believe your childhood has affected how you handle things now in your adult life?

I've shut them down so well it's hard to recall now. I'm probably still holding back, not wanting to get the whole thing started again... .I'll try... .I'm just going to type and hit the post button afterwards. I think I'll edit everything out otherwise if I re-read... .

I realized I have never really believed in my own capabilities. It started as a young child: I was never allowed to help my brother set the table, or do other chores, because I was "way too clumsy and would just break stuff again". In all the schools I went to, teachers kept telling my mother how good and bright a student I was, how I helped other kids. My mothers reaction was always "well, that's not the daughter I know from home", and that was that. When I started failing tests in middle school because I just wasn't putting in any work, my mother let me change to easier subjects, "because I'd never amount to a good student anyhow". This perpetuates in the here and now: every job I've done they've been highly satisfied with my work. They always expected me to evolve into a project leader. I have the people skills, I have the knowledge... .and I never realize my own potential. I procrastinate until right before a deadline, I sabotage myself, losing valuable time doing NOTHING and feeling WORTHLESS, not being able to push myself forward unless under severe time limits and stress.

This may be inappropriate here - I apologize - but  I need to get this stuff out. I masturbated from a very young age. Based on the house and furniture, I estimate I was 8 or 9. I used it purely as an emotional vent. To feel something. I always made up stories that I was being punished. I often hurt myself as well. To feel. This continued right up into adulthood. I could only masturbate as a 'punishment', but I needed it to be able to connect with my self, my feelings. And it made me feel guilty and dirty.

I have never dreamed a lot. The only dreams I ever remember where about my 'safe place' as a teen (a ranch where I used to go work in the holidays and weekends).  Even as an adult, these were always the only dreams I had. It is only in the last year since I've started looking into myself, that I have been able to have other dreams. The most recent dream was Friday night. For the first time I dreamed about my mother. The conclusion I had in the dream was that I couldn't count on her, that I could never count on her. This is new territory, but it feels like a step forward to me... .

When you say 'almost crumbling', do you mean that you felt like this was too much too handle/process right now?

Yes. I needed to stay functional. I could not go sit somewhere quietly to think things over and have a good cry-out.

This sounds like a coping mechanism you might have developed during childhood to help you get through the difficult situations. Would you say this is an accurate assessment? When was the last time you remember going into this 'emotionless' state?

Yes. This is how I got through my teens and my early adult life. Maybe childhood as well, but I have no memories so I can't really tell.
I don't remember any previous instances. I just remember the feeling. I kind of flow out of it again, and that's that. I have never tried to 'go back' to the feelings I had before.

Can you think of other things you could do to cope instead of shoving your emotions away?
How does the thought of sitting with and through your emotions make you feel? 

Sitting with my emotions has been suggested here before. I honestly don't know what that means. And I am afraid I would crumble. Maybe crumble just means that I am afraid of really feeling my feelings, because that would make me vulnerable, and I do not want to be vulnerable. Vulnerable is not safe. It always gets you hurt in the long run.

I will leave it at this for now.
Thank you Kwamina, for your time and your questions.
I will have a lot to process tonight as I try to get some sleep.

Libra.

[Harri]

Libra, respond when you can.

You are facing everything here with such courage and are so capable.  It sounds to me like your mother did an awful lot of projecting her own fears onto you.  How she saw herself and her own limits.  Her shame and self-doubt.  When she said "well, that's not the daughter I know from home" can you see now that she never knew you?  That she only saw her own self?  If you can't accept that completely, can you at least accept that it is a possibility?

I do want to say that nothing you shared is inappropriate nor is it shocking.  Kids masturbate to self soothe a lot so it makes sense that you would do the same.  Did your mother shame you about your own body and sex?  I don't want to ask too many questions as there is so much going on in this thread already.  I mostly just want you to know that it makes me sad that something normal and healthy got twisted somehow and became a source of shame, pain and was associated with punishment.  That you used it and self harm as a way to feel makes sense as well and is understandable. 

Sitting with my emotions has been suggested here before. I honestly don't know what that means.

This will come.  If you are used to pushing them away it makes sense (again) that you do not know what it means.  I did not and I still have not mastered it and I did not have a clue what people were talking about.  It will come... .and it will be interesting.  the feelings I mean.  Sitting with them takes practice and to me it means not pushing them away in panic.  Being willing to be uncomfortable and to experience foreign things knowing it must be done to heal.  To not judge yourself for feeling anger, fear, shame... .feelings just are.  Mindfulness will help.  It was/is a process for me.  Sitting with them meant being okay with just a second or two of feeling before the feeling went away and I shut down again.  It also means being okay with the fact that you might not even know the name of the emotions.  I don't know if that helps or applies though so let me know.

Rest.  Take your time.

[Libra]

Hi,

I have been slow in responding to this thread, I know. I am trying to pace myself.

Harri,
It's true, there is too much going on in this thread. My mind is a swirl. It keeps jumping from one thing to the next, never following one thing through 'till the end. I could start 20 threads here at the moment (don't worry, I won't  )

can you see now that she never knew you?  That she only saw her own self?

I have never looked at it that way. I have always internalized her comments, I was deficient. But yes, I can see that now. Boy, keeping that in mind, I will have whole lot of reprocessing to do... .

Did your mother shame you about your own body and sex?

Not that I remember. She had and has many body issues though, and sex was always something vile. So I may have caught some fleas there that need to be eradicated. I do remember her barging in on me in the shower of a hotel room once, because I was taking too long and they were waiting for me (which is normal, if you're always the last one to get to the shower in the first place). She went back out, bawling disgustedly: "Can you believe it, we're sitting here waiting on her, and she's playing with herself in the shower!". Holidays with the 4 of us were stressy, I wanted to decompress a bit. I got out of that shower way more stressed than I got into it though.

Being willing to be uncomfortable and to experience foreign things knowing it must be done to heal.  To not judge yourself for feeling anger, fear, shame... .feelings just are.  Mindfulness will help.  It was/is a process for me.  Sitting with them meant being okay with just a second or two of feeling before the feeling went away and I shut down again.  It also means being okay with the fact that you might not even know the name of the emotions.  I don't know if that helps or applies though so let me know.

I think it's about time to admit that it does.
I have fleeting moments where I feel warm and giving and good inside, thanks to my primary family. But mostly I just function. I keep busy. I can't just sit, just be. I don't know how to let go of the dam and let those feelings go. I'm afraid I will be overwhelmed.
I know I need to get more in touch with my feelings though. I want to show my children that feelings are ok, that you do not need to be afraid of them.

Where do you go?  You keep forging ahead, while watching, learning and detaching more and more.  I think it is common for us to at first be too strict with boundaries and fiercely defending them to the point of causing more problems sometimes or seeing things that are not there.  We learn, and while our values that determine our boundaries may not change, how we choose to enforce our boundaries can change with time and practice.  Detaching with love and kindness takes practice.  It is something I was not able to achieve before my parents died but I have come closer now... .working in my mind and my heart.  I am angry still, very much so, but far more accepting and able to see them for who they are much more clearly.  It is easier for me though as they can no longer hurt me.  But detaching with love and kindness is still possible sometimes.  Is that what you are striving for?  That is what I see in Pam Letgo's comments.

As always, thank you Harri, for pointing to the road ahead. Yes. I need to continue detaching, whilst taking my own values into account.
“Don't do unto others what you don't want done unto you.” - Confucious. That's my credo.

 
Libra.

[Libra]

L2T,

Thank you. This board and your encouragements mean so much to me.
It is like finally feeling accepted, feeling normal.

I will keep chipping away, but only to build newer and stronger foundations.
I hope you will keep working and sharing and building too, L2T.

Libra.

[Libra]

Wools,

You do pick your time to pop in and say hi! Thank you.

I think I am finally accepting that there actually were thorny bushes in my childhood.
Finding out where they stung me is the next step.

Can you relate? What place and age does this time of emotional retreat take you to in your own life?

I wish I could. It is all just a blank. I sat in the shower yesterday, crying, telling myself over and over "It's okay, it's okay... .".
It felt soothing, but I have no idea whom I was talking to.
How did you identify those inner children? How can I link back to my past?
I think I am still shutting out way to many feelings.

Thank you for your gentle nudges, Wools.

 
Libra.

[Libra]

Zachira,

How does that make you feel?
 
I had a hard time accepting this, but I think I've come to terms with it.
I as a person do not count in relationship to my mother.
It's ironic, after her last rage she told me how disappointed she was in our relationship.
She said that she had seen many examples of how mother and daughter were best friends and were always there for each other.
She simply cannot see that it should be a 2 way street, a give and take.

I think I have come to terms with that though. It is what it is.
Now I want to focus on my past and get rid of all the bad habits and beliefs I had instilled in me.

Always remember that you are so much more than what your mother and your FOO can see.
You are a person of your own right, and you have every right to be happy and loved in your own right.

 
Libra.

[Kwamina]

I am ready.

Then let's do this!

It took those numbers and reading about it (www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalNeglectComplexPTSD.pdf) to understand that I have reasons to be so messed up and that they are not simply all my fault.

Many children of disordered parents and who suffered childhood abuse, find themselves affected by it long into their adult lives. In what ways do you feel 'messed up'?

Can you see how referring to yourself as 'so messed up' might be a continuation of your mother's negative and critical voice? A voice that you have now internalized. Perhaps you can find more compassionate language to describe yourself. And if you can't, I think we can help you

My mothers reaction was always "well, that's not the daughter I know from home", and that was that.

How did it make you feel as a child when your mother said these things? I agree with Harri that your mother's words and behaviors say more about her than they ever did about you. Your mother's words and behaviors were a reflection of her own inner negativity, chaos, frustrations, fears and insecurities which she which she was projecting onto you. It was all a fantasy stemming from her disorder and her distorted thinking and perception.

I procrastinate until right before a deadline, I sabotage myself, losing valuable time doing NOTHING and feeling WORTHLESS, not being able to push myself forward unless under severe time limits and stress.

You've already referenced Pete Walker's work on cPTSD and I'm going to quote him here:
"Disabling Performance Anxiety I reduce procrastination by reminding myself that I will not accept unfair criticism or perfectionist expectations from anyone. Even when afraid, I will defend myself from unfair criticism. I won’t let fear make my decisions."

Perhaps keeping this in mind can help you better manage tendency to procrastinate.

Is some of the things you say to yourself perhaps that you always need to be perfect? If it is, our friend Pete Walker again has something to say:
"My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my dangerous family. Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved."

This may be inappropriate here - I apologize - but  I need to get this stuff out.

It's ok, this isn't inappropriate for this board, it is part of your experience. We've had members before who've expressed similar coping mechanism to soothe themselves as children and/or adults. Surviving a chaotic and dysfunctional household isn't easy for a child and children do whatever they can to hold on and get through.

I often hurt myself as well. To feel.

In what ways did you hurt yourself? Is the tendency to self-harm currently still something you struggle with?

The most recent dream was Friday night. For the first time I dreamed about my mother. The conclusion I had in the dream was that I couldn't count on her, that I could never count on her. This is new territory, but it feels like a step forward to me... .

How does this realization that you could never count on your mother make you feel? Does it change your perspective of yourself?

Sitting with my emotions has been suggested here before. I honestly don't know what that means. And I am afraid I would crumble. Maybe crumble just means that I am afraid of really feeling my feelings, because that would make me vulnerable, and I do not want to be vulnerable. Vulnerable is not safe. It always gets you hurt in the long run.

I will again quote Pete Walker here:
"Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it."

Take care Libra

The Board Parrot

[zachira]

Libra,
You asked me how becoming invisible to my family members has made me feel as I am no longer willing to be the emotional regulator. At first, it was devastating and I cried my heart out and I was very depressed. I am now becoming more accepting and compassionate towards my family members with BPD. I am realizing I am the lucky one of my siblings because I am the only one that has rebelled against the family dynamics, and I am more mature and have more meaningful relationships than any of my siblings will ever have. Like you, I continue to work on unlearning ways of being and thinking that I learned in my dysfunctional family, and becoming the best person I can be. I take time out every day to meditate and feel my feelings. I think that there will always be times when I break down and cry, feel depressed, because the pain of never being loved by your family is life long, yet most of the time, I am doing well and moving forward with life. I think there is nothing more cruel than being treated as if you don't matter, and yet it has taught me to pay attention to who I am and to pay attention to people who often get ignored, like the disabled and old people. I find when I interact with people that do not usually get others attention, that many of these people provide warm caring contact that I usually do not get from others that are used to get lots of attention because they are young, attractive, or wealthy. I feel enriched by your posts, as you have a lots of awareness, and you are part of the kindred spirit of the many who post on the PSI Board.

[Libra]

Zachira,

Thank you for your beautiful words. This truly is a magical place for people to feel accepted and safe while trying to heal.
It is so good to read how you manage to turn a painful realization into something positive and compassionate in your own life.

 
Libra.

 

[Libra]

Kwamina,

Lots of food for thought here... .no easy answers though.

Can you see how referring to yourself as 'so messed up' might be a continuation of your mother's negative and critical voice? A voice that you have now internalized. Perhaps you can find more compassionate language to describe yourself. And if you can't, I think we can help you

I have realized I have what is called an Inner Critic. I am still unable to isolate that inner voice though, let alone quieten or counteract it.

Confused?
Out of touch with myself and therefore unable to cope in a lot of situations.
Not in a happy state of mind, though I have nothing to complain about and a lot of love and happiness around me.

How did it make you feel as a child when your mother said these things?

I felt a fraud and I felt ashamed about being a fraud. I felt like I was fake everywhere and that only my mother knew how worthless and truly bad I really was. She did know me best, after all, she's my mother.
I still have to fight that feeling of being a fraud sometimes. I can rationalize it, but that does not make that feeling go away.

I can see now that these messages were most likely projection from her part.
That does not change the memories though, nor the negative feelings that cling to those memories.
And I really was clumsy... .but maybe that was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Is some of the things you say to yourself perhaps that you always need to be perfect?

Is this not similar to an inner critic?
I know I am far from perfect, and mostly I can accept that.
I can rehash something I did or said in my mind and feel shameful and stupid about it. But I suspect that's only human?

Self-harm is no longer an issue. The worst I do is bite my nails and fingers 'till they bleed and hurt. I've done this since a very young age. I have had a few periods in my adult life where I stopped doing this, but I always relapse.

How does this realization that you could never count on your mother make you feel? Does it change your perspective of yourself?

It has reinforced the realization that I was very, very lonely as a child. That is a feeling and a sadness I have only recently discovered and that still carry with me. Maybe that explains the emptiness I often feel inside.

I clearly have to start reading more Pete Walker material. I must say I have a hard time reading and understanding the articles on his website. They just do not seem to register.

How do I go about this 'sitting with your feelings'? Is it like meditation?
Does it come with a manual and an on/off button?   (sorry, don't mean to sound disrespectful... .I just really don't have a clue... .)
Do I just take a moment of time for myself, somewhere quiet and try to clear my mind?

Thank you for making me think outside of my box Kwamina,

Libra.

[Harri]

Libra: 

“Don't do unto others what you don't want done unto you.” - Confucious. That's my credo.

That is an excellent credo.

She had and has many body issues though, and sex was always something vile.

I think it is fair to say that any child would pick up on this and internalize the messages.  My mom was always weird about sex (I mean other than the sexual abuse stuff).  It was dirty and shameful but I could see her arousal whether it be around men or women.  Never my father though. 

About her walking in on you and shaming you... .makes my blood boil really.  Not that that is helpful to you in any way.  No privacy in the bathroom, shower, own room, dressing rooms, etc seems to be common.  And I can see how a father may just dismiss it as girl stuff in some cases.  Yeah.  So wrong and so damaging.  Lack of boundaries just does not begin to explain this sort of behavior.   

I don't know how to let go of the dam and let those feelings go. I'm afraid I will be overwhelmed.  I know I need to get more in touch with my feelings though. I want to show my children that feelings are ok, that you do not need to be afraid of them.

I am not sure there is anything specific you can do to let the feelings go other than be willing and have a mind set that it is normal and healthy to feel and yes, it will be uncomfortable and possibly distressing but it is vital for you to heal and be present in your life today.  They will come.

How did you identify those inner children? How can I link back to my past?
I think I am still shutting out way to many feelings.

It will happen Libra. 

I have realized I have what is called an Inner Critic. I am still unable to isolate that inner voice though, let alone quieten or counteract it.

Start with awareness.  Being aware of when you are carrying on the abuse of your mother on your own self is, I think, the first step.  It was for me, though i still sometimes call myself names. 

Feeling like a fraud will lessen with time and healing.  Remind yourself about Projection and the fact that your mother never saw you never mind knew you.  Every time something your mom said about you from the past comes to mind tell yourself she was talking about herself.  If she says something in present time, look at it as she is giving you info about how she feels about herself.

How is your time off from work going?  Have you been able to rest and relax?

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi Libra, how are you doing? I hope you’re feeling better and your body is healing.

How do I go about this 'sitting with your feelings'? Is it like meditation?
Does it come with a manual and an on/off button?  (sorry, don't mean to sound disrespectful... .I just really don't have a clue... .)
Do I just take a moment of time for myself, somewhere quiet and try to clear my mind?

For me, sitting with my feelings can be like meditation, especially when I am trying to process triggers, flashbacks and past trauma. I have definitely used meditation... .mindfulness meditation in these cases. Sometimes I do actually put on a timer.

Sometimes I listen to a guided meditation. There are some really good free ones here: https://www.uclahealth.org/marc/meditation-at-the-hammer

Other times, I simply make a mental note of my feelings and ask compassionate myself questions. I give myself space and time without judgement to allow the feelings to just be... .respectful that they are neither right nor wrong. Feelings just are.

  L2T

[Kwamina]

Hi again Libra

I have realized I have what is called an Inner Critic. I am still unable to isolate that inner voice though, let alone quieten or counteract it.

If you were subjected to negative messages since you were very young, it can be very hard to distinguish your 'real' or 'authentic' parts from the negative parts that were projected onto you which you later also internalized. Can you perhaps identify the times when your inner dialogue seems most negative and the times when it seems most positive/least negative? Are there specific events or activities that tend to activate your inner critic?

Is this not similar to an inner critic?
I know I am far from perfect, and mostly I can accept that.

Yes, it totally is a manifestation of that 'dastardly' inner critic! I say this in a tongue-in-cheek manner because another way to view the inner critic is as a specific hurt inner child who out of that hurt and fear lashes out, hurting our other inner children. That's a slightly different model for the inner critic but viewing it from this perspective can at times also be helpful.

None of us are perfect, perfection is unattainable and also very subjective. What's perfect in the eyes of one person might be imperfect in the eyes of others. The most important thing for all of us as we heal is probably to become (more) whole  Being (more) whole can look different for everyone and those differences are perfectly fine ;) )

I can rehash something I did or said in my mind and feel shameful and stupid about it. But I suspect that's only human?

That's indeed only human, especially after going through a childhood in which you suffered abuse. Again going to quote Pete Walker here: "Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful."

I have had a few periods in my adult life where I stopped doing this, but I always relapse.

Was there anything specifically different about those few periods in which you stopped this behavior? Why is it that you think you were able to stop doing this during those periods?

Does it come with a manual and an on/off button?   (sorry, don't mean to sound disrespectful... .I just really don't have a clue... .)

Well now that you mention it, it actually does!





The trick is finding that switch. One thing that might help is to try and just observe: "Control your attention, but not what you see. Push away nothing. Cling to nothing."

Can you notice the times you are pushing things away or in this case, the times you are pushing your feelings down or back into a box? Can you imagine not doing this and instead just letting yourself experience your feelings without trying to control them or stuff them away?

The Board Parrot

[Libra]

Hi,

How is your time off from work going?  Have you been able to rest and relax?

 

Hi Libra, how are you doing? I hope you’re feeling better and your body is healing.

Harri, L2T, thank you for caring and asking. Yes, I am finally breathing again, both physically and mentally.
I have started tending the garden again. That is something that truly grounds me, that gives me a sense of simply being. I have neglected our garden ever since my FIL passed away, that's over a year ago! So, lots to do that can help me find peace of mind 

I am still deadly tired - mentally - though. The thought of having to go back to work next week freezes me up. Or is that anxiety? I have seen that word used a lot here, but I am not certain what it means or how to correctly translate it to my own language.

Last Sunday was my birthday. On Saturday, DH confessed he hadn't gotten me a present yet. He asked me how he could help me. I looked at him questioningly, and he said he wanted to help me feel better about myself again, and give me space and peace in my mind. I haven't talked to him about all this recent stuff, I don't think he would/can understand the effects my childhood is still having on me. But he can still sense I am wandering, lost. This makes me feel sad and guilty. But it also feels good that he sees me so clearly, and that he is there for me.

I recently had a strange evening. I went to bed later than usual (never drink coffee at 17:00!). I was still wide awake, though mentally really tired. I could not get to sleep, and I became aware of a lot of hate and anger inside of me. So I got back up, got a pile of blankets and sat myself down in our garden, in the dark, listening to the rustle of the leaves and breathing. It gave me this story to tell:

Once, there was a little girl of 9 or 10 years old.  She lived with her parents and her brother in a new-built house in a far-away country. The children had every possible toy or trinket their hearts could possibly wish for. The mother even bought the little girl nice shiny lacquered shoes for under her school uniform. Those were the shoes the mother had always dreamed of as a child, but they had been very poor and she only ever got hand-me-downs from her siblings. The shoes were uncomfortable, and the little girl got bullied with them at school. She did not understand why this was. She did not have a lot of friends at school.
At home she played most with her beautiful pink bike with white handles. Her dad had taught her to ride without side-wheels on that bike, and now she could roam the front and back garden with it. She called her bike Airwolf, based on one of her favorite TV-shows, where a solitary, grumpy fella tries to save the world with his secret, super-powerful helicopter.
The garden was pure white sand when they moved in, and her parents had worked hard to turn it into a picture-perfect English cottage style garden, with its own vegetable patch, irrigation, the works.
At the back of the house was a little piece of land where nobody ever really went. It was a pit of pure white fine sand with a shrub in the middle. The little girl very often sat there. She preferred it to being inside the house. She would read, play with the sun-warmed sand, or simply talk to the shrub. The shrub was her best friend. She would tell it stories, or she would pour her heart out. It always listened. It seemed to care, and to talk back with its rustling leaves in the breeze.
One day the mother had had enough of that ugly patch in her perfect garden. She decided to fill up the pit of fine white sand and remove the shrub. The little girl was in a panic. She did not want her little spot to disappear. She pleaded long and hard with her parents. In the end it was decided that the pit would be filled up, but that they would move the shrub to another spot in the garden.
The shrub was moved to  a shady corner. The warm, fine white sand disappeared underneath coarse thick grass. The little girl moved with the shrub. She put a chair in the shady corner, she watered the shrub and she talked to it like before. But the shrub felt rejected and discarded. It was uprooted and sad. Its life slowly withered and disappeared, and after a while the shrub was dug out, and replaced by a beautiful, scented magnolia that fit the spot perfectly.
Not much later, the family moved house to another country.

That little girl still feels like the shrub. Uprooted, rejected, discarded, out-of-place and ugly.

I think I have found one of my little children... .

Libra.

[Libra]

Hi Kwamina,

Can you perhaps identify the times when your inner dialogue seems most negative and the times when it seems most positive/least negative? Are there specific events or activities that tend to activate your inner critic?

Negative:
- Expectations. It doesn't matter whether I put these on myself, which I often do, or whether I sense that other people have expectations of me. I am so afraid to fail and disappoint others or myself. From the start that inner voice will be there, sneering that I don't have to think I'm that good or that intelligent. It freezes me up and gets me out of balance.

- Having to multitask and failing. Best example is coming home with the children. I mostly have an unsatisfied feeling from my work-day, mainly due to the expectations they have there and me self-sabotaging. I get home tired, with tired or hyperactive children. It is late and I need to start dinner, but the children need to talk about their day, they need guidance with their homework, etc... .and I feel torn. I want to just sit with them and give them the attention they need and deserve, but I also feel frustrated in having to give them this attention and therefore failing to start on the household chores. I know every parent has to balance this. But I feel guilty for feeling annoyed towards my children because they need attention. I guess this is because I probably didn't get that attention as a child. On one hand it saps a lot of energy out of me to give this attention, and on the other hand I'm probably a little jealous or envious of it (why dind't I get that?).

- Comments from my primary family. They are never meant as intrusive or disrespectful, but they sure can hit a raw nerve. A simple comment like: the sauce tastes different from last time can really create havoc in my mind. Especially combined with the previous point. I take it way too personal. I take it as a failure. I let people down. And I can get very irritable because of it. It can easily ruin an evening.

- Saying something 'stupid' or out-of-place during a conversation with colleagues or acquaintances. I will not feel that during the conversation, but later on - sometimes even days later, I will suddenly realize that what I said was completely useless or out-of-context or weak, and I will keep reliving that little bit of conversation and I will feel very negative about it.

- Having to say 'no' to something. Example: The childrens' youth movement is having their annual spaghetti fund-raiser soon. For the past 3 years, I spent my Sunday morning helping out making the sauce. It is fun to do, and it gives me a positive vibe. But Sunday morning is our most relaxing time of the week at home. I need that breather to get through the next week. Especially now, when I am physically and mentally worn out. So I am considering saying I can't come help this year. Which makes me feel guilty and selfish (letting people down again).

Positive:
- When I have accomplished something from my to-do list. Like re-doing a patch of the garden, tending to my bees,  etc. Problem is these things are always lowest on my list and the first to be scratched off altogether, because they are less important.

- When I am completely in the here and now, with no pressure of all the things I should be doing or should already have done (this is VERY rare).

- After a good conversation with my children or husband, where I feel I have taken the time to listen, hear and validate. (this is VERY exhausting).

None of us are perfect, perfection is unattainable and also very subjective.

I think writing all of this does help me understand what you mean with always wanting to be perfect. I think my definition of being perfect is never letting anybody down. It is impossible to do, and it saps away a lot of energy and self-esteem.

As you can read in my previous post on this thread, I think I have found one of my hurt inner children. I am still trying to figure out how she impacts my adult self and my reactions.

What is shame? How does it feel? Is it feeling stupid and worthless because of something you said or did? Is it being unforgiving to yourself?

Was there anything specifically different about those few periods in which you stopped this behavior? Why is it that you think you were able to stop doing this during those periods?

Funny that, the instances are so different:
- Back before we had children, DH and I traveled around the world for 13 months. Just the 2 of us in this vast world, no timetable, no schedule, just following our noses and our instincts. After a few months I had perfectly healthy looking hands. A few months after getting back into the daily grind and expectations, my fingernails and fingers were back to being painful and ugly.

- After D9s' birth, I stayed home for 3 months. These were very hard months, because D9 had some health issues that resulted in me getting very little sleep and sitting up with her for hours on end. DH helped out whenever he could, but he had to go to work, so I was the one doing all the nighttime caring. Even though it was so tough, I knew I was doing the right thing. I was there for her. It felt good and right. And my fingers were healing once again. Once again, a few weeks into restarting the daily grind and their expectations, my fingers were back to their painful ugly self.

- When taking care of my terminally ill FIL and his ill wife who was in denial, in a strange country, surrounded by a few very good and honest people and loads of vultures circling around. Trying to alleviate the stress for DH and the children. The tension between DH and me would often rise and we'd have heated discussions (more venting, really). But we stood by each other. Again, it felt like the right thing to do. We were there for people who needed us. I was living completely from day to day. My hands have never been so good. When we came back home, my mother was in a very negative spiral, and my hands (and weight) bore the brunt of that.

The trick is finding that switch

. 
I will simply print it and stick it on my forehead   
I am trying to be more mindful of my emotions. I think I need to slow down my life. I am constantly running around like a headless chicken, trying to do too many things all at once and therefore unable to do anything really well. Being headless does not help to stay with your feelings and live through them at all... . 

Thank you again, for giving me much more to process and learn.

Libra.