narcdaughter2
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 19
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« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2018, 09:46:16 PM » |
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I was the scapegoat of an abusive, alcoholic, drug abusing narcissistic
mother. My father became disabled when we were young children,
so he couldn't do much of anything. I was born with medical
problems, which may have been the result of her drinking and smoking
heavily every day she was pregnant with me. She was physically and
verbally, and spiritually abusive towards me. She was very cold, and had a
militaristic authoritarian parenting style. There was no nurturing, no
love, no attention. At time she was cruel and sadistic towards me.
My sisters and I were like little satellites orbiting around her, trying to
gain her love and approval by being "good", and by giving her whatever she
wanted. My sisters were completely compliant as young children. I had
moments of rebellion and trying to stand up for myself. This was seen as
high treason, and I was punished and shamed quite severely for having my
own opinions and feelings, and for trying to express them. I was not a
scapegoat in the sense of being a juvenile delinquent, or getting pregnant
as a teen, or being a school dropout. I was a straight A student.
Even into my late teens, I was highly controlled. I wasn't allowed to go
out on weekdays at all. I had to stay home all day every Saturday and do
housework and yard work. In spite of this, I was continually told how
lazy, selfish, etc etc I was. (I now see how she was projecting her own
self hatred onto me.) Every move I made was criticized and made fun of.
My oldest sister was one of the golden children, and she colluded with my
mom. She also saw me as the "problem" and told me if I'd just keep my
mouth shut and do everything mom said, things would be fine. My youngest
sister was also a golden child. Both of these sisters are now narcissists
too. My other sister was also a scapegoat, but not abused to the extent I
was. She has had issues with alcoholism and drug abuse. I tried to go no
contact with my mom twice, but got pulled back in by the flying monkeys, my
sisters.
My wedding was turned in to a 3 ring circus, so my husband and I took back
the reigns, and decided upon a very small simple wedding with just
immediate families. (We were paying for the wedding.) This enraged my mom,
who wanted the huge traditional wedding, so she did a smear
campaign, and refused to attend the wedding and convinced my sisters not
to attend. Not one member of my family came to the wedding, and they
discarded me for a year after our marriage. Then, they just acted as if
none of this ever happened, and started expecting me to be around again. I
was very young and knew nothing of narcissism, so I went along with it.
My child was born with health problems, and they refused to give me any help
at all. Later, I was hospitalized for depression, and I wrote
them a letter afterwards sharing some of my feelings about it (because they
appeared to be supportive while I was in the hospital). But, not one of
them gave me a single word of response or support in response to my
letter. I know they got these letters, and a year later they casually
mentioned this letter. I have to wonder if they colluded together on this,
because I'm still find it quite remarkable that I heard nothing but
crickets after sending a letter of personal sharing to them. I was angry
with myself for sending them this letter and allowing myself to be so
invalidated, yet again.
Now, decades later, my mom and sisters no longer overtly abuse
me, but they act as if nothing ever happened, and pretend everything is
normal. The narc golden children sisters live out of town, and I almost
never hear from them until they come in town, and then they expect me to be
available to see them a whole lot while they are in town. My mom and
sisters all seem to be empty soulless shells of people. When I attend
family gatherings, the whole thing feels very fake and contrived. I have
told them how hurt I was when they didn't go to my wedding or help me with
my child, and they just mumbled a fake brief semi apology, or else just
didn't respond at all. When I wrote my mother many years ago telling her
how much she hurt me, she turned it all around on me and convinced the
relatives that I was the abuser and she the victim, and that I had written
a nasty, attacking letter to her. They all believed her lies.
I realize that there is no way I can talk to or reason with these people.
It all just gets twisted around, and used as a big drama fest. I realize
the ONLY thing I can do, is go very limited or no contact. These people
are just too screwed up.
I have worked VERY hard, in therapy, in 12 step programs, etc to overcome
the deep wells of bitterness, rage, anger, and hurt that I carried with me
for years over all this abuse. I have been on antidepressants for 16.5
years, and am currently trying to wean off of them. Hence, a lot of
emotions and self awareness are coming back to me, which is a good thing.
While I was on the meds, I was numb and complacent, so I just did whatever
was the easiest thing to do, which was just to be pleasant with them, and
sort of go along with whatever they wanted. Now, I realize that this is
not fair to me, and not how I want to live my life.
The holidays are coming up, and I don't want to spend hours with these
people on Thanksgiving or Christmas. I could probably deal with having a
Thanksgiving meal out at a restaurant for an hour or hour and a half,
because my 2 narc sisters probably won't be there, and my mom has really
mellowed out quite a bit as she has gotten older. I have a superficially
pleasant relationship with her, although I will never trust her or be close
to her.
For Christmas, at most, I want to go to the family gathering and spend a
short time there, and then leave. I can go more into the Christmas stuff
in another post.
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