How do you handle merging your BPD with your new family?

[kylie34]

I firmly believe my mother has uBPD based on much of what I've read and what two prior therapists have suggested. The most hurtful thing my mother does is fly into rages. These rages are always a result of some conflict she has created herself. When she is experiencing one of these episodes, there is no limit on how low she'll go. Her words are hurtful and if I am experiencing her rage in person, she will always end up lunging at me and trying to hit me. As a child and through my early 20's, I have been hit by my mother on many occasions. She never took it to the level of a full-blown beating, but if we were arguing she would slap me in the face or hit me in the mouth. If she was unable to reach me, she would throw whatever she had near her at me, like one time, a small but full can of paint thinner. It's like she goes blind with rage at the moment. Throughout my late 20s she has attempted to hit me during rages but mostly has failed because many times my father was present to intervene.

So now I am in my early 30s, about to finish my doctorate and move to another state with my fiance to start a new chapter in our lives. When my mother met my fiance, he was "perfect" in her eyes and she wouldn't stop gushing about him. Then one night they had a conversation where he told her that we intended to move away to a major city far away for our careers. After this, my mother thinks he is basically the devil incarnate. She mocks him incessantly, criticizes him and insinuates that he cheats on me when he has to travel for work. When she talks about him this way, I tell her that I will not tolerate it and end the conversation which sends her into a verbal rage. At times in response to my anger, she'll text him to tell him how horrible he is and how he makes my life hell.

Shortly after their conversation about us moving, she met his parents.  My fiance's mother, unfortunately, acted very inappropriately that evening. She arrived tipsy and proceeded to drink more. She said very inappropriate things, had an outburst and ended up trying to give me some of her Xanax because I had back pain.

My fiance and I were disappointed in her but we've moved on because she is the type to not accept responsibility for her actions and to play the victim. However, my mother never moved on. This incident occurred over a year ago and our parents have never interacted again. My mother is to this day as angry and hateful towards my fiance's mother as the first day. She has an unhealthy obsession with my future MIL and just the mention of her name sets her off into a long screaming rage recanting everything my MIL did and said the ONE time they interacted. My mother has been threatening me for the last year about sitting my fiance down and telling him what a horrible person his mother is. I have told her multiple times that she was forbidden from doing it because it was extremely inappropriate. I have even tried to point out to her that she would not want his mother to talk to me so negatively about her but she of course refuses to understand why it's wrong.

My mother has my MIL as a facebook friend and on a weekly basis makes posts full of innuendo or passive aggressive personal statements that are directed at my MIL and my fiance. MIL actually told me the other day she had to block my mother on facebook because she can't handle seeing the posts anymore. When I've confronted my mother about her posts, she denies that the posts are meant for them but then mockingly says that maybe if they're taking it personal then the posts are true.

Over the last year, interactions between my mother and my fiance have been very awkward and tense. Reason being is that she tries to pick a fight with him every time she sees him. Back in January, we took her to dinner and she picked a fight and started screaming at him in the middle of the restaurant. He took a break from seeing her for a few months until she was practically begging that we come over. But again, when he does oblige, they are just seconds from another blowout because of her baiting. I have observed in the last 4 interactions that she is trying to bait him and it becomes very uncomfortable because she ends up going on a rant for hours.

Yesterday it finally happened. She begged for him to come over for dinner and we decided it was okay. After the meal, the three of us were talking and she became combative and started bringing up very uncomfortable topics. My mother has looked up his political affiliation so she began questioning him on it and making accusations. She made statements about how there's no way I know his "real past" and that he is hiding things from me. She brought up things that I had told her in confidence months ago and she had promised to never repeat.

At one point she began screaming at him about religion and God and saying that people who do not believe in God have no moral compass, are evil, and are the same as murderers, rapists etc. She is aware that my fiance is an atheist but she kept pushing him on the topic and asking him if he was a believer. When he did not answer her directly, she started getting more upset because he was "evading her question." She raged and screamed and we were barely able to speak up. I greatly regret not getting up and leaving at this point. My fiance kept trying to reason with her but she cut him off repeatedly.

To make matters worse, she brought up his mother. At this point, my fiance had been letting her rage at him for almost 2 hours. She began to say offensive things about his mother and my fiance yelled at her to stop talking about his mother. This led my mom to jump up from her chair and lunge at my fiance to try to hit him in the face. I had to intervene and push her off of him. She sat down and told me to take a good look at the man I was about to marry and to take note of how he treats women and disrespected her. She then kicked him out of the house. As we were leaving she told my father that my fiance had "gotten in her face." This morning I saw she posted on facebook that a man that comes between a mother and daughter to destroy their relationship is an A-hole and deserves to die. I went ahead and blocked her once and for all. She also blocked me on Instagram because she rants about my fiance and his mother there as well.

My fiance never wants to see her again and I agree. I have always put up with her verbal and physical abuse but that clearly has to stop, especially that it is now aimed at someone unrelated to her. 

I don't know if I can go full NC. I will need to go NC for a couple weeks then LC for a while to be able to recover from this and also work on myself and my goals. But how do we move forward? How do some of you manage having a conflictive BPD parent and your S.O/kids/In-laws?

I feel silly saying this, but how in the heck do I handle the holidays coming up? Last year my mother "ruined" Thanksgiving because she refused to be around my fiance's family. They wanted to come down to have dinner with all of us but my mother basically said I had to pick between her or my fiance and his family. Since she was indeed making me choose, I chose to host dinner at our home and invited everyone. She decided not to come and made her own full Thanksgiving dinner just for her and my father and spent the day sending me guilty texts and posting about it on facebook.

My fiance wants to invite his family to my upcoming graduation but we know we will not be able to celebrate all together.

Our wedding is basically on hold because there's no way we can have both sets of parents present. There's a good chance my mother will make a scene by verbally attacking my fiance and his mother. I also fear my mother may just not show up or shun me. Since I've been engaged she has never brought up my engagement or mentioned wedding planning like I assumed a normal mother would. I asked her about it and she said that it was my fiance's fault she wasn't interested in my engagement because he did not ask her for my hand in marriage.
 
So at this point, I'm asking myself, if my fiance should not be around her, then should I split time between everyone or make a choice to spend the holidays and big events away from her? 

I obviously don't expect anyone to tell me what to do but what I do invite is advice based on how you guys manage having what to me feels like two separate lives.

I wrote things out in great detail above because I want whoever decides to respond to understand how toxic, violent and volatile an interaction is with my mother.

Thank you for reading.

[Notwendy]

One thought when I read your post was "double trouble". Your fiances mother seems to have a drinking/prescription drug issue even if she is the easier one to get along with.

With your mother as combative and verbally abusive as she is, I don't think you can merge the families. What she is demonstrating is black and white thinking. Your fiance hung the moon until you mentioned moving away. This upset your mother and she then painted him black. Whether or not MIL was drinking, there was a change your mother would have painted the whole side of this family black regardless.

My BPD mother and my father's family disliked each other from the get go. I think they were civil in each other's presence but mostly avoided each other. There was no merging them although they did manage to stay civil for family events such as weddings. I think that is the least we can expect- we can't make people like each other but if they are going to be related, they can at least behave civilly in each other's presence.

This comes down to boundaries. Your fiance should not have to endure being treated like this by your mother. He has the right to not be in her presence when she treats him like that. Your MIL has the right to block your mother on FB. These are the natural consequences of her behavior. Same rule we learned in kindergarten- if you don't play nice with your friends, they won't play with you.

I think many of us grew up in families where we learned we had to endure and tolerate our mother's behaviors and we do, but that isn't how it works with people. If your mother did this to her boss, or a neighbor, she's be fired, and someone may have even called the police.

Boundaries are not something we impose on another person. They are how we respond to other people. If your boundary is: people should be civil to each other- then this is the boundary with your mother. She has a choice then to behave in your presence or not be in your presence.

The holidays tend to be potential conflicts for any new couple- the blending of two family customs, traditions, how to be fair to each set of parents. With the inability to have your mother present, I suggest you two begin your own celebrations and celebrate with each family in separate times. Even as a married couple, you can visit your parents on your own. There is no rule that says you have to visit your family together.

If you have children, you can have boundaries with that too. I didn't leave my mother unsupervised with my children. She does know to behave around them. ( or I'd have boundaries on that too).

[Panda39]

Hi Kylie,

I'm sorry things with your mom are so difficult that you find yourself here, but I'm really glad you've found us.  Welcome to the BPD Family. 

I'm going to echo Notwendy and say that boundaries with your mother are key.  Boundaries are about our values and our protection.  Setting a boundary is not about hurting or punishing your mom.  Beyond having a boundary it's also about enforcing a boundary.  Boundaries don't even need to be spoken, they only need to be enforced for someone to get the message.

More information on Boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

In your post the place where I saw that a boundary could have been helpful was when you and your fiance were being raged at by your mom. No one should have to sit there an be raged at for hours. So I will use that one as an example... .

Value: Yelling/Raging at someone is not acceptable behavior
Boundary: I will not tolerate being yelled at.
Action: I will ask the person to stop yelling and advise them that I will leave if it doesn't stop.  If it doesn't stop I get up and leave.

The action above is not about punishing your mother it is about protecting your and your fiance's well being. By you getting up and walking away you do that.  Your mother suffers the consequences of her own behavior. Be aware that things could get worse before they get better. You are changing what you have always done and that will make your mother uncomfortable.  She will want things to be status quo... .her screaming and you sitting there taking it.  But if you go back to what you've always done she has learned that by escalating her behavior she can boundary bust.  It is important that you consistently enforce your boundary.   You're mom is going to do what she is going to do but hopefully if you consistently enforce this boundary she will learn that if she wants to see you she will need to control her anger to do that. 

I often share this simplified analogy... .

We've all seen this at the grocery store... .

Mom's value: I want to take good care of my child and that includes eatting good healthy food.
Mom's boundary: Sweets are to be had at special occasions only
Mom's Action: Not buy sweets for her child while grocery shopping

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no so the kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no again so the kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no for the third time, this time kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum (what we call an Extinction Burst). What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.

This does not mean however that the little kid won't ask again the next time mom and he go to the grocery store... .the kid will test the boundary again and so will the person with BPD in your life.  The key here is to always be consistent with your boundary.

If your fiance doesn't want to see your mom again that is his prerogative he is setting his own boundary here. He will not be around someone that is abusive to him.  But if he agrees to try again I think the two of you need to sit down and talk about your boundaries together, so you show a united front.  So if you visit your mom again and things go south you both are on the same page.

I think it's great that you are thinking ahead in terms of the holidays, because you can determine now what your traditions will be, versus trying to undo something you've already been doing for years that isn't working. 

If it were me I would sit down and talk to your fiance, what would you each like to see happen?  Are you on the same page? What are the things you have in common? Where do you differ? Are there places where you could set boundaries? Why do you want to do what you want to do, because it is a societal norm, because you are trying to be fair, or because it is the right thing for you as a couple? Maybe do the things you have in common together and do the things where you differ separately for example. It would be great if everyone could be together for the holidays but it sounds to me like your mother has alienated both your fiance and his family.  So it may be that somethings need to be done separately.

Some ideas... .

Thanksgiving with your in-laws (you and your fiance)
Christmas Eve with your parents (you and your fiance)
Christmas Day just you and your fiance together
New Years Eve together you and your fiance... .with friends

Maybe you have Christmas Eve dinner out where your mom is more likely to be on her best behavior... .Maybe you and your fiance have pre-planned boundaries in place for Christmas Eve.

Thanksgiving with your in-laws (you and your fiance)
Christmas Eve with your parents (just you)
Christmas Eve with his parents (just him)
Christmas Day together you and your fiance
New Years Eve together you and your fiance... .with friends

Graduation... .go to lunch with one set of parents & go to dinner with the other.

Since she was indeed making me choose, I chose to host dinner at our home and invited everyone. She decided not to come and made her own full Thanksgiving dinner just for her and my father and spent the day sending me guilty texts and posting about it on facebook.

I think you handled this well, you did what you wanted to do you invited everyone.  She chose not to come, that is her decision.

The wedding is a tricky one and you are not the first bride to come here with the very same conflict. Wanting to include a BPD Family member but fearful of them ruining the day. First and foremost the day is about you and your Fiance.  Some have had someone a friend/another family member assigned to the BPD Family member to mind them during the wedding, others have not included the BPD Parent, others have, some have eloped and had a reception later.

What is best for you and your fiance?  That she attend?  That she not attend? This is not about what is best for your mom, or what your mom wants, or what society expects, or anything else. Your mom could go and behave herself which would be great, but worse case scenario what could you handle better? She blows up and ruins the day?  Or the guilt of not inviting her?

It's complicated for sure, but I'm really glad that you are thinking ahead planning and having a plan can really help.  I know others with have ideas and suggestions.

Hang in there,
Panda39

 

[Notwendy]

It's not just at the wedding. BPD mom has acted up at other family occasions: kids birthdays, graduations. Eventually we just started to not include her. She didn't like it, but these occasions are not all about her and her behavior can make it the focus. We still visited her at other times.

We are not punishing or rejecting her although she may see it this way. We want to have peaceful celebrations.

Now is the time for you and your fiance to establish your boundaries- your values. " We want to have peaceful celebrations". How can you help make this happen? If your mother can not behave in a civil manner, then she is excluded.

Like the kid in the grocery store. If the child can not behave himself at a classmate's birthday party- if he hits other kids and pitches a fit when he doesn't get his way- he will not be invited to the parties.

[kylie34]

Thank you so much for the insight.

My mother has a history of black and white thinking.  She has no friends or social life and she has something negative to say about everyone. She has negative convictions of people she’s never even personally met. She has accused every guy I’ve dated since I was 16 of trying to ruin her relationship with me. I promise you, I have never been in an abusive relationship where a guy tries to alienate me from my family. It’s her behavior that alienates me.

My relationship with her since my teenage years has been full of repeated failed attempts at setting boundaries. She’s threatened to shoot herself with my father’s gun multiple times or at other times, to pack her things and disappear. The incidents with the gun have scared me but I’ve never believed any of her other threats. I always cave because she reacts so badly to any setting of a boundary. Whenever she has an outburst lately, I do not call her for at least a week or so. But I always have to be the one to reach out. Then it’s like nothing ever happened. She acts very docile but doesn’t apologize or bring it up. I’ve tried to discuss the incidents in the past but that just leads to yet another outburst. This weekend she mentioned that when I cut her off, she doesn’t care if I “may be” right and she’s wrong, she always refuses to make the first move to communicate and she never will.

I think I will have to keep interactions over the holidays with my mom to just myself, her and my father. However, I will not let her suck up my entire time. Like you guys advised I will have to break it up.  Spending maybe lunch with them, then the evening at home with my fiancé and whoever is able to come over. His family doesn’t live here and will not be coming to us for Thanksgiving or Christmas because of previously made plans. So I will not let her dominate all my time during the holidays because that means my fiancé could end up being alone for much of it. Once we move away, I’ll just try to host as many holidays as I can at our new house and make it open invite. If she doesn’t show up, that’s on her.

As far as getting married, we will have to sit down and soul search. There are a lot of people we want included, such as my father,  but I truly fear my mom will ruin it. Reason being is that when she thinks she’s in the “right” she has no limits and stops at nothing. If she believes she’s right in thinking I should not marry my fiancé,  she will not be able to  keep her mouth shut. The other day when she was going off to him about his mother, she told him (and she’s told me this before) that she prays I don’t have his children so his mother isn’t their grandmother. In the moment, she hits way, way below the belt and has no remorse later.  I cannot risk that being part of our day.

I texted her explaining to her that I would not stand for any more episodes like we experienced and that my fiancé would not be seeing her anymore. I listed to her the things she said that were inappropriate, hurtful and downright betraying of my trust. I asked her to seek some form, any form of counseling whether family therapy or religious, but to go work on her emotional health because she has a lot of pent up anger and fear and it is not healthy. I told her that I will not be able to have a relationship with her if she doesn’t work on herself because her behavior has been extremely detrimental to my emotional and physical health. I told her about my need to go to therapy to manage all this because I’ve been having panic attacks for the last year and had to be put on anti-anxiety medication. The stress has caused some gastrointestinal issues of mine that had been dormant for a long time to suddenly flair up as well. I practically begged her to work on herself again at the end.

I, of course, have never suggested that she may have BPD or anything close to a disorder. But the times I've suggested to attend counseling she gets offended and says that she's not crazy. We attempted a couple years ago to attend therapy together but she didn't even last one session because she stormed out halfway through.

[Notwendy]

One word of warning: if you set boundaries with your mother, she will likely pull your father to her side. It is part of the drama ( Karpman) triangle. When I did this, my mother took victim role, with me as persecutor and my father rallied to her side as rescuer. My mother has black and white thinking as well. People are either on her side or not her side. My father was in a no win situation. Continue his relationship with me, and she would raise Hell. He lived with her, not me. I don't blame him for making that choice, but it was hurtful.

I do not regret having boundaries with her. Without them - her drama would have taken me over too. She has no limits, she hates boundaries. It is her way or the highway and my ( now deceased )father was on that road with her. I loved him but I could not let her emotionally and verbally abuse me.

Before you make any moves, be aware of the potential consequences with your father. This does not mean don't have your boundaries. Just be prepared for the possible family uproar when you do.

What I did find is that, once my mother raises Hell, she often feels better. Back to the kid analogy, it is like a child with a stomach ache. If the child throws up, he feels better- his stomach doesn't hurt any more, but now there's a pile of vomit on the floor. What your mother is doing is "emotional vomiting". Once she does that, she feels better but you don't because you've been vomited on. I think it is part of the push pull cycle with BPD.

Your parents may raise a fit, but if they are younger than mine and you stick to your boundaries, I suspect they will come around- I can't say for sure but I hope so. For me it was a different situation as I was older when I discovered BPD and so were my parents. My mother has since come around after her anger at me and so I think my father would have too once she allowed him to. I had no clue how my father would respond to my boundaries with my mother, and was shocked when she interfered with our relationship. I do not regret my boundaries but I wish I had the tools on this board first. I also wish I understood the Karpman triangle so that I didn't take their reaction personally. They did exactly as would have been predicted had I understood it.

Not living the life you choose will not fix your mother, but your father may respond as her rescuer. Knowing this ahead of time will help you to stay strong. Understanding the tools on this board and the family dynamics with BPD will help you to stay strong when it feels difficult.

[Turkish]

Maybe this is obvious, but your mother being violent,  you (kind of, you seem to handle things in a manner) and your fiancee (for sure) aren't safe around her. Based upon how she chooses to act,  I would be wary of having her at your wedding. 

Not that BPD was involved,  but my best friend and his wife chose to break up their wedding and celebration. They had a small ceremony,  the actual wedding,  with about 20 close relatives and friends. That's what they wanted; it was their wedding.  A month or so later,  they had the party on a cruise in Lake Tahoe, where they invited other friends,  cousins,  aunts and uncles.  A few relatives couldn't attend the latter due to heart issues (the elevation) and they made a couple of exceptions on the ceremony invites. They still got summer grief.  But it was their wedding. 

Do you think something like that could work? Your mother will cause drama either way,  but at least it would be contained. 

Then again,  given her abusive nature towards your fiancee,  and the fact that both of toy are getting married, it should be his decision also.

[kylie34]

Notwendy- Oh it's pretty much already happening. I try not to be resentful towards my dad but he will not take a clear position. When my mom is not around and he and I discuss these issues he keeps it very diplomatic. "You know how she can be" and  "Just don't argue. You know you won't win. Call her more often and make small talk but don't tell her anything personal."  But then she tells me that my father 100% agrees with everything she says and that he just doesn't have the guts to tell me. So I have no one in my corner and I have no idea if my dad really feels this way. He almost always tries to stay neutral. I understand if he has to appease her because after all they live together and they have their own set of marital problems that result in a lot of outbursts. Honestly, besides striking him, my mother rages against my dad the same way she rages on me.  He usually just walks away and lets her scream for a while.
I really just don't want to lose out on having a quality relationship with him. In the past when I try to see him alone and out of their house, he insists that I come over. So I have to either cut back on seeing him or put myself at risk of enduring my mother's wrath. Seeing them together in public is not 100% safe either. My mother has had several outbursts in public this last year and that is actually a new change. She's always been very proper in public and had abhorred "scenes" but now she's no stranger to them.

I just wish my dad would demonstrate that he is on my side in this and that he believes what my mother says and does is wrong.

Turkish- Yeah I've considered breaking things up or doing things in an unconventional way. I think the key will be having enough people present so there's a buffer between her and his parents and they don't have to interact much. Thankfully we have a lot of changes coming up so we cannot focus on having a wedding any time soon. I hope that our moving plus the upholding of boundaries gives her time to work on herself and her behavior.

It just makes me very sad to imagine that she will be like this, if not worse, for the rest of her life. I don't know if she will ever become self-aware of her behavior or comprehend the pain she causes. I have explained to her in the past how much this hurts and she isn't affected by it.  I know she is aware that she experiences extreme emotions. But like Notwendy discussed, she's said that basically "emotional vomiting" makes her feel better because she simply cannot contain it.

[Notwendy]

I just wish my dad would demonstrate that he is on my side in this and that he believes what my mother says and does is wrong.

Me too, but it didn't happen. I knew my mother raged at my father, but one of the hardest things for me to see was that she abused him when he was old and sick. This time I intervened. I called social services but they told me they could do nothing so long as he was legally competent to make his own decisions. He only wanted to protect her- and this included protecting her from me. I was furious at her and let her know that. Her reaction was typical. He was in a no win situation. He became angry at me and remained so until he died. I say he would have probably come around now that she cooled off, but that took a while after his death.

The words you wrote - I wish my dad would demonstrate that he is on my side" were my wish for him. I so badly wanted him to give me his blessing before he died, to tell me he loved me. He was very sick so he knew his time was limited. I did too and tried to reach out to him, but he chose to stay angry. When I called him she listened in to our conversations, she read his e mails and painted me black to him. I don't know if he believed it or not.

I used to see my mother as the problem and my father as the victim. I now understand that his issues with her were as great as her own dysfunction. Abusive relationships are complicated and in many cases, the perceived victim is addicted in a way to the relationship. My father had many chances to leave- we kids were grown, he could have left but he didn't want to.

I am glad that I had a relationship with him and so did my children, but the cost of that was to appease my mother. I was able to do that for a while. She likes my husband and loved the idea of a wedding. My wedding was all about her. I was just a prop but I didn't have much choice but to do it her way. I didn't much care about her but I was afraid of disappointing my father. I put my foot down later. My kids were older and she began to manipulate them into being her emotional caretakers too. She wanted full access to them and even tried to rally them to "her side" against me. I said no more. I expected my father would want that for my children too, but he was not pleased when I started to have boundaries ( neither was she).

It was a horrible choice- the relationship with my father or allowing my mother to abuse me and manipulate my children. I didn't have the guts to stand up to her for me, but for them, yes and when my father was sick - for him too. I am sorry your mother is putting you in this position so early on to face this kind of choice. However, I would choose my freedom to be myself over being my mother's doormat.

[Turkish]

You could be very clear.  Striking you or any other adult is a crime.  

[Notwendy]

Growing up seeing this kind of abuse, and also having an enabling father who just explains it as "this is who she is" - we tend to accept what is unacceptable as our "normal". It's interesting that even an abused child still can love a parent- it's the only parent we have. This and a religious upbringing ( which I do agree with ) to honor our parents makes us feel obliged to them and to excuse how they treat us ( and others ).

Religion in these families can take on aspects of the parents. Children are introduced to God as a father and our parents can shape our image of God, however, if they are dysfunctional - this influences how they act out their religious principles. For instance, my mother is generally a good person in the legal sense. She wouldn't rob a bank, or murder someone, but in her close relationships she lies without conscience and is abusive. Still, my parents raised me with a good moral background and principles. I didn't see my mother as all bad.

I also experienced what could be described as gaslighting. My mother would have a violent rage in the evening and in the morning my parents would act as if nothing happened or blame it on me. " if you didn't upset your mother" or say " all families have disagreements.

It wasn't until I had been out of the home with my own family that I realized the way my mother treated us was abuse. I thought of abuse as being seriously beaten, and she didn't beat me, so I must not have been abused. But seeing how she treated my sick father was horrifying. I was an adult- there was no explaining this or minimizing it- it was abuse.

When I started setting boundaries with her, my father sent me an e mail " I wish we could all be a happy family again". Happy? I wasn't happy- and I realized that "happy" meant letting my mother walk all over me and abuse me and not disrupt things. There was a fund raiser for a domestic violence shelter near me and they were selling T shirts that said "Love doesn't hurt". I bought one to remind me of that. Love doesn't hurt.

I doubt your fiance would press charges on your mother at this time- but he could. Physical assault is a crime. I don't blame your fiance for not wanting to be in her presence after that.

Why am I still in contact with my mother? For me. She is elderly and my own moral compass could not handle it if I didn't have contact with her. I have tried to honor my parents but honoring my mother also means not tolerating abuse. If she abuses me, she is not being the best person she can be, so I won't let her do it. She doesn't like my boundaries but enabling her isn't honoring the best of her. I would not be deliberately cruel to her. I don't wish her any harm. I guess this is the best I can do to honor my parents while also honoring my safety- emotional and physical.