Heard from her again

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I just got an email from her. All it says is she's moving Wednesday, and she's bringing us our microwave and cable box I was paying for.

I'm pretty surprised. I thought she had picked up and left most of her stuff in her apt. (That's what she said she was doing). It's definitely an olive branch. She's trying not to screw us over. It makes me think she might actually be cleaning her place out too.

I am not sure I want to see her. I also fully recognize that her showing slight signs of responsibility is always enough to pull me back in. I love her so much. I need to not let it this time. I can't handle the rollercoaster of her rejecting us anymore. We have moved the Earth to help her the past few years. I know it's her mental illness but she really needs to get professional help and take responsibility for it. Plus who knows what's going on with the drugs. That really exacerbates her mental illness.

Ok. It's also possible this is designed to make us feel guilty. Further affirm that she tried her hardest and we are the lost cause.

I've worked hard to teach her to take the high road when she's mad at someone. I know she is much better off than when we adopted her. I just wish that she could have taken responsibility for herself without completely rejecting us.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi HB

It sounds to me she's testing the waters, she's looking for a response, yes an olive branch. You did not respond to the text/letter, now she's coming to the house in the hope to see you. She wants to know how you are, what you are thinking, not knowing what you are thinking is probably driving her nuts.

A few days ago you shared you were terrified she'd come to the house, that's she's arranged, she putting the ball in your court.

Hard one HB, detaching with love. 

WDx

[bluek9]

Hi HB,

   I have total empathy for you right now, DAMN that roller coaster  Sadly for all of us that roller coaster gets us coming and going. I'm so very proud of the self awareness you have expressed "recognizing that her showing responsibility PULLS YOU RIGHT BACK IN" That my friend is a hard awareness to make of oneself. 
   Detaching with love is one of the hardest things for parents to do. We love so deeply, completely, that we hate to see or watch the natural consequences of detaching. Sometimes we parents need to remember that when we have done all we can, to the best of our abilities, we need never guilty. That includes even when our kids are not accepting of that best effort and love. Stay strong, firm and confident in yourself HB. I always remind my kids that I love them, but that doesn't always mean I like them or want to see them. Hugs to you   

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Thank you WD and BlueK9,

I always sigh with relief when I see that you've responded to one of my messages. 

I re-read through most of the detaching with love post that WD bumped up.

You're right, we have to accept when we have done everything we can, to the best of our abilities. The message I've continually gotten from my daughter over the last few years is that she wanted/expected us to completely reparent her, repair all the damage done by her biological family and her time in foster care. We've tried to straddle a line between doing that to some extent, while also trying to help her recognize that most of that had to be up to her to repair herself. I have explicitly said all of that to her. It always comes back to us not parenting her correctly. From her perspective, she only had about 4 years of actual parents (us). That started when she was 17. We have been consistent, we have been loving, we have practiced radical acceptance, we have let her feel the often quite severe natural consequences of her actions.

But in the end I still had expectations of her, to be honest, to try to learn from her mistakes, to consider how her actions affected us. That last one is the sticking point.

I responded to her email and just said, "Ok, thank you, we thought you had already left." I debated whether to tell her I love her. I didn't, because sometimes that incites the screaming rant of "you never gave a f*** about me."

[wendydarling]

Thank you WD and BlueK9,
I always sigh with relief when I see that you've responded to one of my messages. 

Aw, thank you HB   I'm glad you're finding it helpful, and it's so good to give back the support I've received. You've helped so many parents here sharing your story.

I looked up the word reparenting. Reparenting is a form of psychotherapy in which the therapist actively assumes the role of a new or surrogate parental figure for the client, in order to treat psychological disturbances caused by defective, even abusive, parenting. An option your DD can take up in the future.

You've really got this HB, it's good to see you write it down. 

I hope you take next week off for you, you deserve it.

WDx

[Feeling Better]

Hi HB,

I just want to say that I agree with wendydarling, it sounds like your daughter could be offering an olive branch.

You say that you feel your daughter wanted/expected you to repair the damage that had been done by her FOO and her time in foster care, now we ourselves, know that that would pretty much be impossible to do. Unfortunately, as I found with my son, they can have expectations that are so high that there is no way that they are achievable, and so, we as parents are bound to fall short of the “perfect” that they want us to be. 

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi FB,

You're so right, I think that's exactly what's happening here. Impossible expectations.

I think she was offering an olive branch. I don't think I will be ready to talk to her for a good while, though. I don't believe she will actually bring us our stuff, either. I think she expected me to say that I want to see her before she leaves, and that I would come get it. I don't, and I don't care if I get that stuff back either. If she wants to bring it over, great. But I really don't think she will.

She wants me to take her seriously. That's what the last five months have been focused on. Her speaking to me very calmly and telling me I don't need to be afraid of her emotions anymore. It's a catch 22 because I knew exactly what would happen, but I also can't act like I don't believe her.

If she wants to spend months telling me that, and that the worst that will happen if I tell her how I'm feeling about things is that she'll be mad at me, then I'm going to take her at her word. I told her how I felt and this is what happened. If she wants to tell me that she'd rather be homeless than accept help from us, again, going to take her at her word. I know she can help it if she tries, and I also know that the only way she has learned in the past is by me taking her at her word and letting her suffer the consequences.

I'm glad I am not in a place anymore where I am so scared of losing her that I would let this slide.  Especially because she didn't really even apologize. It's still all our fault. Which is actually  unusual, the past 9 months or so she always apologizes when she's been really mean or abusive.

It just feels like part of the same cycle; pushes us away, wants us to come crawling back. In the past it's felt like the cycle of abuse, where she'd apologize, things would be fine for a bit, start escalating, have a blow out... .and on and on. 

It feels like time to let go, time to get my life back. I'm doing terrible in school again right now because of the last month and a half. I just want to get my master's degree and spend time with my husband and animals and try to relax for a while