3 months of Hell - 18 yrs of Walking on Eggshells

[DadOf4wBPDwife]

After months of being told that my 3 sons and I are abusive to my wife I stood up to her and let her know that no we are not. She lost it for that day saying the worst things she has ever said to me in our marriage. "You don't love the kids, you never wanted them". "I never loved you, you never had my heart" and more I won't discuss at the moment. I caught her in denial and lie after lie all during a rage that came from me finally standing up for myself.

So how did I get here? Well... .

My wife was molested by her father when she was child. So was her sister. This was the big family secret no one was supposed to know as she grew up and her family was one that never apologized to each other. I found the love of my life over 20 years ago and we were married 18 years ago. She never told me about what happened to her before we got married and now I see that as a possible BPD issue that she would have thought I may abandon her had I known. I figured it out on my own a few years into being married and she told me the truth.

Anyway, we have 4 kids, 3 boys and a girl. Over the years I have given in to most of her demands, wants, desires, needs. When she would get upset at me she would put me in constant no win situations and say I twist everything to make it her fault when all I was trying to do was share my side of an argument. I would of course finally cave, let her win and do whatever it was that she wanted me to do.

About 4 or 5 years ago after she lost it on me she said she needed help and started seeing a therapist and she was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. Now I've come to realize that she was most likely misdiagnosed and actually has BPD.

So almost 3 months ago she started hanging out with a friend that had an abusive husband and she started reading a book called "Why Does He Do That?" about abusive and controlling men. Immediately she started projecting this on to me and my boys from ages 11-17. But we don't yell at her, she yells at us. We don't call her mean names or try and put her down, we don't try to intimidate her not have we ever physically touch her ever. But yes, we have our own feelings, we get upset, sad, angry and may say things with those feelings inside like normal people do. I tend to shut down and not say anything and try to process what is going on and what to say but it is always put back in our faces now as being abusive.

So I called an ecclesiastical leader and he helped me get an appointment with a family counselor and she and I went to meet with her. My wife didn't like that it didn't go her way and requested a new counselor. Well she kept reading her abuse book and had decided that I had manipulated both counselors since that is what abusers do and that she would not go and meet with either of them anymore. She had actually met the second one on her own once.

So the two counselors met together and both instantly said they believe she had BPD. She counseled me to start reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and suggested I have my oldest read it as well. I'm about halfway through and found this site mentioned so I thought I would check it out. I am still in hell walking on eggshells but trying to get the tools to work through this and decide where to go from here. I love my wife dearly but don't see much of end in site right now and don't know how long I can keep this going. But I hope that she will be willing to hear herself and look inside to see what is going on. I'm doing all I can. Thanks for listening. I will check around the site and see what other people have to share.

Btw... .is this in the right place? Doesn't seem like it. If any moderators have a suggested place for me to post please let me know.

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[HardNose.787]

I’m new here, so please forgive me if I’m posting incorrectly!

I am in a similar situation. My wife has similar behavior and I am at a loss to how to react to it.

Has the book helped you or helped her? I have a hard time setting boundaries with my wife, because there always seems to be some sort of crisis that overrides everything else.

My wife and I are planning on starting couples counseling, but I don’t have high hopes. She is very hostile to it, and when she does think about it, she sees it as an opportunity to correct whatever issues she feels I have.

[Harri]

Hello and welcome to the board! 

I am so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here but happy you found us.  You are definitely in the right place!  On this board we focus on learning tools to better the relationship or, at the very least, learn how to stop making things worse as a lot of what we would do intuitively is not a great idea when dealing with a pwBD (person with BPD).  It is a learning process but the tools can help you and sometimes, that help your loved one.  It can be difficult and take time but the good news is that things can and often do get better.  You can also teach your kids how to use the tools without mentioning BPD to them.

How old is your daughter?  What sort of relationship does she have with her mom? 

I am glad you are taking the time to look around the site.  Settle in, ask questions, post away.

Again, welcome!

[Hopeful05]

I'm in the beginning process of this with my husband as well. I found the site when I just was looking for someone to talk to, then I found the book. My husbands story sounds similar. His family was equally abusive and we have cut his entire family out of our lives because their was no way to just cut out his immediate family, they are like a mob, you keep it in the family and anyone that's not in the family is a threat :/  I've found this site helpful so far! Hopefully you do too.

[Vols4555]

What did you do to survive on a daily basis?

Impressed that you made it 18 years.  I have tried to speak up on my feelings and needs in the past year and it has gotten me nowhere.

[DadOf4wBPDwife]

Thanks for those that chimed in over a month ago. With all the help that happened during the time I posted I hadn't came back to check.

I with the help of my therapist and the tools found in eggshells started to stand up for myself as well as my kids in the most loving way possible. Calling out her actions and her feelings all while listening and sticking to my boundaries. Things got really bad when I stood up to her in the calmest of ways possible saying "I am not an abuser" "The kids are not abusers". She totally lost it, raged on me and told me to leave which I wouldn't do. She said the most hurtful things she has ever said in our marriage during this time and even called the cops on me for harassing her but I was nothing but calm and collected and videos the entire thing to protect myself in today's world.

She literally went from calling a divorce attorney to finally seeing a counselor, to calling the cops on me and then disappearing for 20 hours which she blames on me to wanting to spend a weekend together in Victoria. This all happened in a matter of 5 days.

All I can say is thank God for this book. A really good therapist and friends to help me get through this. After she disappeared she did a total 180 and now is trying to get us all to forget about everything which we wont do at this point. She is starting to get some help and with the changes we have done she is started to change.

You can only change yourself and how you act and react to the BP. I have done all I can and starting to have small successes. I wish you all the best luck in the world. I hope my story will help someone. We can do this!

[DadOf4wBPDwife]

What did you do to survive on a daily basis?

Impressed that you made it 18 years.  I have tried to speak up on my feelings and needs in the past year and it has gotten me nowhere.

All I can really say is that I don't know. Sadly I fueled her issues the way I acted and reacted to her own actions. But I loved her and had faith to keep going. I must say though no other time in the past 18 years have been as bad as the past 4 months. So everything happening in the world and her friend triggered her to an extreme reaction to my boys and I as her projecting her true feelings and emotions she has about her father. At one point a few weeks ago she was starting to see that but within a day or so tucked it away again.

Good luck to you.

[DadOf4wBPDwife]

I'm in the beginning process of this with my husband as well. I found the site when I just was looking for someone to talk to, then I found the book. My husbands story sounds similar. His family was equally abusive and we have cut his entire family out of our lives because their was no way to just cut out his immediate family, they are like a mob, you keep it in the family and anyone that's not in the family is a threat :/  I've found this site helpful so far! Hopefully you do too.

Thanks. I wish you well and am concerned with family events which will start happening here with the holidays. For the non victim of sexual abuse it is hard to fathom how they (my wife and her sister) can have any relationship with her father. But from what my therapist has told me it is more common than not that this happens.  I too would like to cut her father off from any contact with my wife and kids.

[Radcliff]

It's outstanding that you've got the support of a sharp therapist, and have benefited from reading Eggshells and putting that knowledge into practice.  bpdfamily provides an important complementary means of support, since many of us have walked miles in your shoes.  Your concern about the holidays is certainly understandable.  Times of stress and interactions between our pwBPD and their FOO can sometimes worsen BPD symptoms.  How have things been day-to-day for the last week?  Are you and she able to talk calmly?

RC