My whole story - need hope & advice

[Radcliff]

Also, when we resume communication I realize now we should try and work on it to be different, less enmeshed and less sacrificing on my side, for instance.

That's an interesting insight.  Can you tell us more about it?

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[macarena]

That's an interesting insight.  Can you tell us more about it?

Well, I have this tendency to get a bit “lost” in the relationship and disregard my other needs/ interests in favor of it. For instance, when things were good, we met almost every day (apart from working together). The initiative to meet came from both of us (more from him though), but when he suggested to meet I almost never said no and I adjusted my other plans (meeting other people, going to the gym, etc.) so that I could see him. When I suggested a plan he could decline though (he didn’t do that often but it happened several times) which is also normal, of course. For me, it didn’t even happen consciously, but he became the priority, on every occasion, over other things and people.

In part because we grew close at the time he was depressed, I also learned to observe closely his mood (it started because there was a period I was genuinely scared for him - he seemed to be in such a bad place, was so isolated and lonely - and I tried to say something good, distract him a bit, just talk whenever I noticed a change to the worse, and that happened several times a day). But then he came out of depression, and I was still always watching his mood, taking notice of the changes (which still occurred quite often), kept the habit of asking if everything was ok when I noticed a significant change... .it can probably be too much... .dunno

[Radcliff]

What's fascinating about what you just wrote is that you describe a situation where both your and his boundaries were eroded.  It's not like one person had good ones and the other didn't.  As you said... .enmeshment!

How might you detect oncoming enmeshment and gently head it off in the future?

RC

[Learning2Thrive]

For me, it didn’t even happen consciously, but he became the priority, on every occasion, over other things and people.

Yes, I have done this in the past with romantic relationships and friends. I figured out that something was really wrong in the way I was raised... .it was as if I always felt responsible for making everything good or better for everyone else and that was what made me feel worthy of love or kindness or friendship.

How about you? Why do you think you made him the priority?

  L2T

[macarena]

What's fascinating about what you just wrote is that you describe a situation where both your and his boundaries were eroded.  It's not like one person had good ones and the other didn't.  As you said... .enmeshment!

How might you detect oncoming enmeshment and gently head it off in the future?

Yes, we definitely were too attached crossing each other’s boundaries.

One thing I think would be good to do is to make conscious effort to make time for myself and cultivate other friendships, to avoid being so focused on our relationship (to the point that it becomes sole priority). Another thing, I guess, is acceptance. I can’t change him - make his frequent mood swings go away, or make him more consistent, it’s not something in my power and I can’t magically make things better for him, which means I needn’t concentrate on this so much on an everyday basis and be a “helicopter friend” (or partner, if we ever get together romantically).

[macarena]

How about you? Why do you think you made him the priority?

I think, it’s been a combination of factors. First, as I mentioned, we grew close at the times of his depression, and I felt certain responsibility for his well-being because I was the only person close to him at that very tough time. Second, I was interested in him romantically, so to a certain point, I think, it’s natural that you put effort in a close Friendship that has potential of evolving into something more. And also, as you say, I have this “need to be needed”, need to make things better. I’m not sure where exactly it comes from, because on the one hand, I can be single for long periods of time without feeling any urge to find a partner (I like being by myself); on the other hand, when I am with someone, either romantically or in a very close friendship, I do feel this necessity of making things better. Probably, as you say, it could be a way to “secure” the relationship and feel more worthy, more “valuable”

[Learning2Thrive]

How are you doing and feeling today, macarena?

Sending you good thoughts and positive energy. 

L2T

[macarena]

How are you doing and feeling today, macarena?

I’m ok, L2T, thank you! Working on staying calm and positive and not taking things personally with him, and also doing other things I enjoy to be more emotionally stable.
I’ve noticed a couple of (very small) improvements over the past couple of weeks, like he can say thank you to me instead of completely ignoring, which is nothing big but still is a huge improvement from pretending I don’t exist at all times (he still does that sometimes but less consistently).
Thank you and everyone for all your support!

[Radcliff]

One thing I think would be good to do is to make conscious effort to make time for myself and cultivate other friendships, to avoid being so focused on our relationship (to the point that it becomes sole priority). Another thing, I guess, is acceptance. I can’t change him - make his frequent mood swings go away, or make him more consistent, it’s not something in my power and I can’t magically make things better for him, which means I needn’t concentrate on this so much on an everyday basis and be a “helicopter friend” (or partner, if we ever get together romantically).

You've raised a very good point for us here.  A lot of times we talk about how our pwBPD "force" us to give up friendships and outside activities.  While it is true that in some cases they can bring a large amount of pressure to bear, they don't always, and you've highlighted how we can also do this to ourselves, and how our pwBPD may actually feel crowded by it!

I have this “need to be needed”, need to make things better. I’m not sure where exactly it comes from, because on the one hand, I can be single for long periods of time without feeling any urge to find a partner (I like being by myself); on the other hand, when I am with someone, either romantically or in a very close friendship, I do feel this necessity of making things better. Probably, as you say, it could be a way to “secure” the relationship and feel more worthy, more “valuable”

Many of us members share this "need to be needed."  We often find that it goes back to our family of origin.  What were things like for you growing up?  Did you have any "rescuer" and/or "rescue-ee" role models?  Did you help others out a lot as a child?

RC

[Learning2Thrive]

  macarena,

You wrote:

I’m ok, L2T, thank you! Working on staying calm and positive and not taking things personally with him, and also doing other things I enjoy to be more emotionally stable.

I’m so glad to hear you are doing ok. The highlighted part tells me you are doing better than you may think, even if you don’t feel like it yet.

Excellent work, macarena. Keep focusing on yourself, your emotional stability and the things that make you happy and satisfied with your life. This is where you find peace and genuine joy. Whatever he chooses, you will be in a healthier position.  

  L2T

[macarena]

Excellent work, macarena. Keep focusing on yourself, your emotional stability and the things that make you happy and satisfied with your life. This is where you find peace and genuine joy. Whatever he chooses, you will be in a healthier position. 
  L2T

Thank you, L2T! I appreciate your advice and support!

[macarena]

Did you have any "rescuer" and/or "rescue-ee" role models?  Did you help others out a lot as a child?

Well, I think my mother is a lot like this in this sense. She likes helping and "rescuing" and she is someone who sacrificed her own interests and well-being in favor of having family and staying with my father (who didn't treat her well). So I guess yes, I did have a role model. Another thing is that helping was my go-to coping mechanism socially. I grew up with a considerable lack of social skills (both of my parents are loners and didn't have a close social circle, and I am introverted by nature but also,no one ever taught me how to reach out to people as a kid, I feel like I learned that later in life by myself). So helping others was the only thing I knew how to do, and probably also when helping someone I felt seen and appreciated, which I otherwise didn't feel like, 90 percent of the time.
Not a great background for BPD relationships, right? 

[Radcliff]

Not a great background for BPD relationships, right?  

Well, it's a great setup to get involved in a BPD relationship!  I've been doing a bit of thinking on this rescuing topic lately, as I can relate to many of the things you said.  My mother and sister gave my father a really hard time, and I've followed in his footsteps.  I can be a little awkward socially, and didn't have a lot of help from my FOO.  I spent many years as a literal rescuer on an ambulance.  When I think about successful and appropriate rescuing or helping, it always happens with good boundaries.  Therapists, crisis volunteers, EMTs etc. have commitments that are typically bounded by time and limits on the nature of the relationships.  Romantic relationships and rescuing haven't worked out so well.  The fatal flaw, for me at least, is that the person I rescued was not equipped to be sensitive to my needs, and in trying to rescue her I abandoned my needs.  I was able to do this for years, but eventually it became unsustainable.  The other thing that it set up was an unequal power dynamic.  She felt that I had more power as the rescuer/oppressor, and resented it.  But I felt like she had more power as the victim whose needs dominated,  and resented it.  I'm realizing, late in life, how much rescuing in a relationship can throw things off, and how finding a relatively healthy partner with good boundaries might offer an alternative path.

Do you have any volunteer activities that you do, or might be interested in, that would allow you to be a helper with good boundaries, to allow you to exercise that part of your persona in a healthy direction?

RC

[macarena]

The fatal flaw, for me at least, is that the person I rescued was not equipped to be sensitive to my needs, and in trying to rescue her I abandoned my needs. 

Sorry for the late reply, Radcliff.

This sounds soo familiar :/

Do you have any volunteer activities that you do, or might be interested in, that would allow you to be a helper with good boundaries, to allow you to exercise that part of your persona in a healthy direction?

Maybe you are right and I need to stir my rescuer needs in another direction. I’ll give it a thought.
I’d still like to try and keep a relationship with this person, but I feel like I’m doing what I can, and it’s a two-way road, despite his BPD traits... .

[Radcliff]

Sorry to be scarce.  It's been a while.  How are things going?

RC

[macarena]

Sorry to be scarce.  It's been a while.  How are things going?

RC

Hi! Thank you for checking!
Not much change in the situation to be honest. However, I try not to focus on him as much and been focusing more on friends/ family/ making some plans. I still really hope the situation improves and we talk again but from what I'm seeing it might take quite a lot of time and I can't put my life on pause until it does.

[Radcliff]

That's great to hear that you're engaged with friends and family!  What kinds of plans are you working on?  Anything you're particularly looking forward to?

RC