Drowning

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

These past two weeks have been really bad. My S/O was in a pretty bad car accident and no longer has a car. her injuries are healing up nicely though. and then shark our cat died randomly. vets think it was a heart murmur and there was nothing we could do about it. on top of this because my S/O no longer has a car i have been doing a lot of driving. i dont drive her everyday but i have to get her for therapy and such and drive her back and its just a lot an hour and a half each way.
there have been a lot of not good days. i have been irritable she has been irritable and a lot of things have come to light. i have a lot of underlying anger and annoyance. i know that she is ill but sometimes i just want to shake her.
im not happy, i dont feel like my needs are being met especially my emotional needs. and this came up at some point over the last two weeks. and she said she would work on it and get better at it but i have heard that before. and we always end up right back here with me begging her to be there for me or listen to me etc. And we almost broke up cause we were both unhappy, and i was crying about it and we ended up not. but was i sad because i didnt want to break up or because i was guilty?
I'm so tired of all of this, im tired of always being the bad guy. if im watching her making sure she doesnt cut im controlling and if i tell her an ambulance will be on the way as soon as she does it i am mean and an awful person. and i am exhausted and im miserable and i feel so trapped. i feel like there is no way out if i wanted out. i mean if we were to break up where would she go? home to her abusive mother?she moved here because i go to school here, i lifted her out of her life because i promised her a home and security, i got her out of her home life and to send her back? thats just cruel. she doesnt even have a car anymore so she literally has no escape from her home.
it's not that i dont love her, because i do i swear i do and i care more than anything. but im miserable and i dont deserve that.
i cant even see us having kids anymore because im so afraid she will rage at them one day like she does me and they will grow up just like her. traumatized. and i dont want that for my future children.
but im all she has i mean sure she has a few friends here and there but im the majority of her support system. she doesnt have anywhere else to go. but i dont want to be sad forever.
but i dont just want to throw her back to her abusive home so shes miserable too. and i feel so guilty becaue i promised her safety and love. but i am so unhappy and i dont know what to do.
i dont want to let her down again, i dont want to break her heart, i dont want to make her hate me and i dont want her to get really down on herself. but i wanna be happy too. 

and i have typed all of this and then i remember us laughing a couple of days ago and then i cry harder. and i just dont know what to do anymore. and i feel so freaking guilty. and i look around and i see all of her stuff mixed with mine and our life that we built and our pets and i feel even worse.
and i dont know what to do except sit here and cry and feel helpless.

[Conflictedlover]

These past two weeks have been really bad. My S/O was in a pretty bad car accident and no longer has a car. her injuries are healing up nicely though. and then shark our cat died randomly. vets think it was a heart murmur and there was nothing we could do about it. on top of this because my S/O no longer has a car i have been doing a lot of driving. i dont drive her everyday but i have to get her for therapy and such and drive her back and its just a lot an hour and a half each way.
there have been a lot of not good days. i have been irritable she has been irritable and a lot of things have come to light. i have a lot of underlying anger and annoyance. i know that she is ill but sometimes i just want to shake her.
im not happy, i dont feel like my needs are being met especially my emotional needs. and this came up at some point over the last two weeks. and she said she would work on it and get better at it but i have heard that before. and we always end up right back here with me begging her to be there for me or listen to me etc. And we almost broke up cause we were both unhappy, and i was crying about it and we ended up not. but was i sad because i didnt want to break up or because i was guilty?
I'm so tired of all of this, im tired of always being the bad guy. if im watching her making sure she doesnt cut im controlling and if i tell her an ambulance will be on the way as soon as she does it i am mean and an awful person. and i am exhausted and im miserable and i feel so trapped. i feel like there is no way out if i wanted out. i mean if we were to break up where would she go? home to her abusive mother?she moved here because i go to school here, i lifted her out of her life because i promised her a home and security, i got her out of her home life and to send her back? thats just cruel. she doesnt even have a car anymore so she literally has no escape from her home.
it's not that i dont love her, because i do i swear i do and i care more than anything. but im miserable and i dont deserve that.
i cant even see us having kids anymore because im so afraid she will rage at them one day like she does me and they will grow up just like her. traumatized. and i dont want that for my future children.
but im all she has i mean sure she has a few friends here and there but im the majority of her support system. she doesnt have anywhere else to go. but i dont want to be sad forever.
but i dont just want to throw her back to her abusive home so shes miserable too. and i feel so guilty becaue i promised her safety and love. but i am so unhappy and i dont know what to do.
i dont want to let her down again, i dont want to break her heart, i dont want to make her hate me and i dont want her to get really down on herself. but i wanna be happy too. 

and i have typed all of this and then i remember us laughing a couple of days ago and then i cry harder. and i just dont know what to do anymore. and i feel so freaking guilty. and i look around and i see all of her stuff mixed with mine and our life that we built and our pets and i feel even worse.
and i dont know what to do except sit here and cry and feel helpless.

[once removed]

it sounds like youre in a lot of pain, Conflictedlover  .

we hear you, and we are here to walk with you.

you mentioned that youve both been irritable, and that a lot of things have come to light. what are the ongoing, primary sources of conflict?

how long have the two of you been together, and has she cut for the duration of your relationship? what, if anything, usually precedes the cutting?

[Conflictedlover]

recently i have felt very ignored, my feelings thoughts emotions everything. and i guess its not really recently its been pretty much the whole time. we have been dating for almost a year. 11 months. and the above mention of ignorance and feelings of neglect have started a lot of the arguments. i try to talk about it and then it becomes about her and how shes feeling and how what im feeling makes her feel this this and this. but its never wow i didnt know that or im sorry you have been feeling that way. and then suddenly i am back to consoling her and everything i said falls away and thats the end. i also have been stressed with school recently (college senior) and have been spending a lot of time on assignments and when i dont give her the attention she wants she becomes very upset and accuses me of not loving her, and not caring and i try to stay level headed and just talk to her but she still flys into a rage sometimes. and not only is that terrifying but once she goes too far down that rabbit hole she wants to cut. she has cut on and off in our relationship she also had a suicide attempt a couple months ago. the cutting and the suicide attempts usually happen when we have been arguing for awhile or if we are about to get into an argument.

[once removed]

people with traits of this disorder do often struggle with our emotional needs and emotional availability.

sometimes its more about them than us. they dont know what to do or say. that makes them uncomfortable, and they put it back on us. weve all been there to some extent. its frustrating and hurtful in a close, or romantic relationship.

sometimes there are ways of communicating our needs that yield more success than others, especially when we lead by example, and when we use lots of positive reinforcement.

it will likely take some long term changes to get things on steadier/healthier ground. are you interested in trying them?

have a read of this... .what stage would you say your relationship is in: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

[Conflictedlover]

shes probably in the third stage, and i am probably very close to stage four.
and we go to couples therapy she has individual therapy (as do i) and we have both been in that for about 3-4 months. the meetings help for like a week and then something happens and we are back to where we started.
its like a vicious cycle of just hurting and i can feel the resentment in me getting stronger. and i really dont like it

[once removed]

so it sounds like things are coming to a head.

without significant change, its likely to remain that way, or get worse.

we can help with tools that may improve your circumstances. they will take work, time, practice. you will likely need to lead on this. its about rebuilding the relationship for the long term, if you have the willingness to do at that point.

we can help with an exit strategy that may minimize conflict.

we can help with the pros and cons of staying or going, help weigh your decision(s).

or we can listen, and better understand what youre going through and how much it hurts.

what do you think? which would help you the most today?

[Conflictedlover]

honestly i dont know. everything is very overwhelming. when she does rage im terrified she has laid hands on me a couple of times. mostly forcefull shoving and screaming. calling me awful names telling me im nothing etc. i know those are her thoughts about herself being thrown at me but it doesnt make it any less hard to get through. and i do love her i do. but it has already been so long with all of this that i have stopped seeing hope for the other side. the other side being something happy. but i dont want her to be alone. so i am stuck between a rock and a hard place in my mind. continuing to be there for her and trying once again to make it better somehow and have no one really there for me (my family and friends have made it very clear they dont want her around them and they dont want to hear about her) or end it and leave both of us heart broken and her alone feeling like she doesnt deserve love (i know thats where she will go with it) and going back to a very abusive home. i see no light at either option and its extremely overwhelming

[once removed]

when she does rage im terrified she has laid hands on me a couple of times. mostly forcefull shoving and screaming. calling me awful names telling me im nothing etc.

do you have a place to go to get away when this happens, or does she threaten suicide?

[Conflictedlover]

She usually does threaten harm to herself whether it be cutting or suicide. I have been trapped in a bedroom once usually I stay near the door and I grab my dog as soon as it gets there and get out the door. I usually come back to her having harmed or in the process of it. I end up consoling her most of the time.

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry you've been going through this, Conflictedlover.    And my sympathies about losing your precious kitty. I lost one that way and it was really a surprise--he was quite young.

You and your girlfriend haven't been together long and it sounds like you're spending an inordinate time attending to her needs and that little to no attention is focused upon your own. This is likely a preview of how the relationship will continue to unfold. How do you see your needs for support being met in this context?

It seems you feel tremendously guilty as you helped her escape from a difficult environment with her mother and now, without a car, if she were to return there, it would be difficult for her to get away. She's got you trapped by your concern for her and also by her self-harming and suicide threats. How do you foresee being able to deal with these issues in the future?

You obviously care very much about her, as you are putting up with these issues and also being the target of her rage and physical aggression. You've already decided that having children with her would not be wise as you'd fear that she would treat them in the same way as she's treating you, and you certainly wouldn't want that.

You want to be happy; you want her to be happy; you don't want to let her down; and you're feeling pretty miserable that the life you created together hasn't turned out the way you had hoped. Your family and friends have distanced themselves from her, not wanting to interact with you two as a couple, so you're feeling quite alone in dealing with her.

You're trying to focus on school and graduating, but even the attention you pay to your studies seems to be a threat to her--that you're not putting your total focus upon her.

Reading this, as though you were hearing this account from a friend, what would you advise him to do?

[Conflictedlover]

I would advise them to leave... .

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Conflictedlover, knowing how you'd advise a friend, how do you feel today about your situation?