Quick question on Splitting

[Ruskin]

Dear friends  

Quick question on splitting, i hope you can offer your opinions

How long can these episodes last, I am familiar with what splitting is but when my wife splits (what I believe to be splitting) the episodes last longer than perhaps what I have read of.

Example 1, wife was triggered on something, she bad mouthed me for 2 hours went quiet for the rest of the night.  Then for the rest of the week she did not really talk to me.  In this example was the splitting 2 hours or the week?

Exampe 2, wife was triggered badly on something, hugest of huge rage ensued, bad mouthing, swearing, throwing of items, the rage stage lasted a full 24hrs, for the rest of the week wife unable to speak to me in a normal way, except when she forgot she wasn’t speaking to me and she spoke ok, but when she remembered again she shut down.  Was the splitting 24hrs or a week

I realise this may not even be splitting so please correct me

2hrs in 1st example or a week
24hrs in 2nd example or week

I know that anything over a few hours is not always considered splitting

Thank you for your kind assistance

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[Bnonymous]

There's no way of knowing, because none of us (including you, and maybe even your wife herself) knows her motivations for ignoring you.

If she was ignoring you because she thought you were to blame for everything, was focused on the bad qualities she thinks you have, and forgot all the good stuff, then, yeah, the splitting lasted the whole time.

But there might have been other reasons she ignored you. Just as one possible example, she might have been embarrassed about her behaviour, but too scared to apologise or admit wrong-doing out of fear of toxic shame or fear that it would make you hate her and leave her etc, so she avoided talking to you altogether as a way of avoiding talking about what happened. If it was something like this, then it wasn't splitting.

There are lots and lots of possible reasons/motivations for why she ignored you - some would involve splitting, others wouldn't. When things are calm, could you maybe ask her why she ignored you? (Ask in a curious, caring manner; be careful how you word it and be conscious of your tone of voice, so she doesn't think it's a demand to justify herself and get triggered again).

[Ruskin]

Thank you Bnonymous
Your answer was really helpful and has helped me think around things.

I will definitely ask her in a careful caring way, no doubt that will be the easiest most accurate way to find out

Initially after reading your two different answers it could be splitting, but the only reason I say that is based on my knowledge of her, she will yake no responsibility for what happened so may not feel shame, but then again maybe she does and she just does everything to hide it.

Thank you ever so much

[Bnonymous]

You're welcome, Ruskin. Good luck!

I've been thinking about how I approach it with my boyfriend. I usually wait until he's feeling calmer and more secure, and then I tend to say something like "When you were just sitting there silently and wouldn't talk to me, you looked so lonely. It saddens me to think of you being lonely - I know it's miserable for people to feel all alone with their thoughts when they're upset and angry". This usually gets him to start opening up. I don't know if an approach like this would work with your wife or not; I know it's not one-size-fits-all. What do you think?

[Ruskin]

Thank you, that is very kind and does give me an idea to phrasing things well.  My wife doesn’t generally sit silently, she will just run the television constantly so filling her attention with that.  But that is not to say that I can’t apply your suggestion, I will just need to try get my brain in gear (it’s slowing down I think) and work it round for our situation

Thankyou! 

[Bnonymous]

Yeah, mine will often watch youtube clips on his phone, which drives me mad because I can't then read or watch something myself without going in another room (and he feels abandoned when I do that).

I've been thinking about how my boyfriend explains his silent treatment episodes later. Sometimes it's as simple as "I was angry and didn't want to talk to you". Sometimes it's "I was embarrassed about the way I acted, so I needed to keep pretending it was you in the wrong to cover it up". Sometimes (and this is the one I find most interesting) it's "I knew that, if I said anything, I'd end up saying more nasty and abusive things to you. I didn't want to do that, so I thought it best to keep my mouth shut. In a weird sort of way, I was trying to protect you".

Of course, people with BPD are individuals like everyone else, so your wife's motivations might differ from my boyfriend's (and the best thing you can do is try to find out directly from her). I just thought it might be useful to see some of the varied reasons another person offers for giving the silent treatment. It is possible that your wife might have actually meant well and been trying to protect you from her moods and avoid escalating things (though the only person who can tell you what was going on is her). Although there are often common themes, every person and situation is unique.

[Ruskin]

Hey, thanks again, yes your 3 examples sure show different reasons behind what could be viewed as similar behaviour, I’ll take what you said on board along with everyone being individuals.  Looks like your partner has had some help in being able to communicate feelings, perhaps he was good at it right from the start? I don’t know!

Youtube clips, hmm my wife. as I mentioned likes to watch our only tv and I generally I don’t get a choice in the matter, but like you having to consider going to a different room to read or watch something.  I was thinking – headphones.   When I work around the house I wear headphones and listen to stuff to avoid getting bored…. I do get them (or rather one as I only wear one so I can hear my other half) ripped out of my ear when my wife is angry, I guess she feels I am ignoring her, but my headphones do annoy her

Thanks again and I wish you a nice weekend,

[Bnonymous]

Good question. :-)  He has picked some of it up from me, I think, but all credit goes to him for having the courage and willingness to examine himself and try to communicate what's happening with him - as I've said, here and on other threads, this is a huge part of why I'm still with him.

Thanks. I hope you have a good weekend too.

[Radcliff]

You're getting good input from Bnonymous here.  My wife's patterns were similar -- a few hours or a day of rage, then a few days of isolation and occasional nastiness that eventually dissipated.  Bnonymous has good suggestions about how to try to make a connection during the latter phase.  I found I was not able to rush it, and just had to wait it out, though if I'd started learning the tools sooner, perhaps I could have become better at it.  One thing that I did learn to do was become sensitive to her bid for attention when she wanted to reconnect.  I'd try to be nearby, and walking by her from time to time, but doing something productive so it wasn't like I was just waiting for her.

RC

[Ruskin]

YI found I was not able to rush it, and just had to wait it out, though if I'd started learning the tools sooner, perhaps I could have become better at it.  One thing that I did learn to do was become sensitive to her bid for attention when she wanted to reconnect.  I'd try to be nearby, and walking by her from time to time, but doing something productive so it wasn't like I was just waiting for her.

RC

Thank you Radcliffe, that will prove useful, i'll bear in mind what you have said