PART 2: I still feel compelled to help and fix things

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Moderation Note:  This is a continuation of the following thread:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329983.0;all

I did tell my sister what happened. She gave me a ride to my counselor today. The visit is supervised and court ordered. I hope that the visit supervisor will at the least make a note if she observes his attempts to use the children to get to me.

Apparently he has posting all over Facebook. Someone else asked me about it. I could try to disable the account but I am sure he would create a new one. I can't control what he does on social media but it at least leaves a trail of his disordered and manipulative behavior. I don't get on Facebook myself so I don't have to read anything he posts.

I practiced more mindfulness with my counselor today and I am going to make an effort to include it in my daily routine. It really does have a stress reducing effect.

Redeemed

[I Am Redeemed]

Moderation Note:  This is a continuation of the following thread:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329983.0;all

I did tell my sister what happened. She gave me a ride to my counselor today. The visit is supervised and court ordered. I hope that the visit supervisor will at the least make a note if she observes his attempts to use the children to get to me.

Apparently he has posting all over Facebook. Someone else asked me about it. I could try to disable the account but I am sure he would create a new one. I can't control what he does on social media but it at least leaves a trail of his disordered and manipulative behavior. I don't get on Facebook myself so I don't have to read anything he posts.

I practiced more mindfulness with my counselor today and I am going to make an effort to include it in my daily routine. It really does have a stress reducing effect.

Redeemed

[Harley Quinn]

I'm glad to hear that your counsellor is working with you on mindfulness.  That's something I recommend often here.  Getting present helps to alleviate dwelling on the past and worrying about the future.  In that time we can just be and it is very freeing.  A regular practice will definitely benefit you in many ways. 

Can you politely ask others to refrain from telling you about anything they see on social media from your H?  Removing stressors is important right now and some of what you hear could be emotionally triggering.  Notice the physical reaction you have when you receive this information.  It would be helpful for you to not have to be subjected to hearing how he is behaving.  You have yourself and S2 to focus on and being completely free of impact from him will have a tremendous healing effect on you physically, mentally and emotionally.

How is your sleep going?  Are you more able to get a decent rest?

Love and light x

[Cat Familiar]

And it's a good thing that you're telling your coworkers and your sister about what is happening. In retrospect, I realized that I was keeping far too many secrets about my ex-husband because I wanted to protect him.

The truth sets you free.    And it feels so good to no longer be complicit in trying to protect someone from consequences they must face for their behavior.

As Harley Q says, you need to be very kind and protective of yourself right now. What can you do that would be really nurturing to yourself? Right now it's a good time to "parent" yourself. Think of how you would protect you and comfort you from the perspective that you are your own mother. Hope this makes sense. I did this when I was really vulnerable and it felt so good.

 
Cat

[I Am Redeemed]

HQ and Cat,

I am sleeping better. I do the mindfulness relaxation exercise and it helps me go to sleep. Also I am not as stressed because I can go to bed when I want instead of having to talk to him on the phone. He would call relentlessly unless he heard from me as soon as I walked in the door from work.

I picked up the van this morning. It drives fine. I talked to the mechanic about bringing it back in if the coolant leak becomes a problem again. I don't have to rely on uBPDh to help me with any mechanical problems anymore.

I am going to try to take s2 to a trunk or treat this weekend. Halloween is my favorite holiday and last year uBPDh ruined it by lacing my drink with meth. I was feeling horrible and I didn't want to go anywhere. I hate speed, always have, and it made me feel like I was in another world. Yuck. Not this year. S2 is going to have a Halloween.

Also my birthday is in two weeks. Same thing last year... .he drugged me and ruined my fortieth birthday. This year I will do something special for it... .take myself and s2 somewhere to eat or something. 41 is not as big a deal as turning 40, but I can't go back... .only forward.

The more I look back at the things he has been capable of, the more determined I am to have a real life. I wanted that for him too... .but it's his choice and apparently he chooses to not pursue that, although I am sure he thinks it's everyone else's fault.

I feel free in telling people the nature of the danger and abuse. For years I covered up the most horrible acts of cruelty, reckless and impulsive and destructive behavior. Telling people also helps me to safeguard myself against the doubts that creep in about whether I could possibly ever try to help him again... .and those thoughts that tell me that I really did abandon him, after all.

I am taking it one day at a time and trying not to project about what will happen next, to me or to him. I feel like I am starting from scratch again, like I did last year when I initially left.

I just want to be OK again.

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

Yay for creating some breathing space for yourself, Redeemed!   

You've got a reliable and honest mechanic now. You don't have to subject yourself to hours of crazy talk on the phone. Your son is going to have a great Halloween and you will have a wonderful birthday! 

It's amazing how we struggle to protect those who do us harm. And we finally discover that there's great freedom in stepping away from that pattern. 

[Harley Quinn]

I agree with Cat, and a great deal of freedom in admitting the level of abuse.  It is a huge relief to let it out.  You are very brave to open up about your experiences.  You deserve a normal safe and happy life, with great nights' sleep galore!

Unknowingly you quoted my life motto Redeemed:

only forward

Keep planning the special occasions and enjoy the freedom of doing things the way you want. 

When do you next see your advocate?

Love and light x

[I Am Redeemed]

I am expecting a call from her Mon. Legal services called while I was babysitting so I will have to call back.

MIL called and said uBPDh wants me to unblock him so he can talk to me about the house he is trying to rent. No way, that has nothing to do with me.

Redeemed

[Harley Quinn]

Well done.  That's the way.   

Let us know how your Legal services call goes.

Love and light x

[formflier]

Hey IAR,

What's new?  How did call go with legal services?

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi FF,

I have not been able to get back in touch with legal services, but I will call again today. I did speak with my advocate and she is very nice. She had the dv counseling approved for me and I am calling today to see if I can get in tomorrow for an appointment.

The van has been running all week. UBPDh tried to tell his mother that it was because he tapped on the gas tank, which we are apparently supposed to believe is why it has started fine every time for a whole week but still has a bad fuel pump according to him. So he is holding to that story.

I have remained in NC. He continues to try to get his mother to call me for him, but she doesn't believe his stuff either and is concerned for me.

Redeemed

[formflier]

OK... he may be telling the truth about the gas tank/fuel pump.

Giving it a whack is standard troubleshooting.  Many guys get extra life by reaching under there and whacking it with a hammer.

Last fuel pump I did I was totally disappointed and my kids looked at me weird as I wailed on a 15 pax van tank with a hammer.  That time it didn't work... .kids didn't believe me... .

Um... .don't change any other parts of things you are doing... .but if a whack on the tank keeps your van going... .at some point you will need a pump.  

Keep a hammer or wrench in your van... .

FF

[Harley Quinn]

How do you feel about your contact with his mother?  I can understand if you have a close relationship with her outside of your marital affairs, but do you think that it is good for you to be hearing about what he is saying, thinking or doing?  That is going to permeate through your state of calm and erode it.  It is as if he still has a way into your life indirectly.

My advice, should you wish to take it is this.  If you wish to keep up contact with her for other reasons than conversing about H that's great and perfectly healthy.  You've a right to maintain that relationship if it is important to you.
 However, I'd be inclined to advise her that you no longer wish to have any messages from, or observations about him relayed to you.   

You have an awful lot of stress, anxiety and trauma to overcome and that is not going to happen overnight.  Removing all triggers possible from your life is going to make a big difference in how well you are able to cope during the coming days, weeks and months.  This is the start of your journey Redeemed.  There is a road ahead and it's going to take work for you to recover.  Make the surface as smooth and free of holes as you can for yourself.  Obstacles to go around use up valuable energy.  Please think about this.  You are kind and compassionate.  His mother is going to naturally want to share her concerns about her son and your nature may well be to absorb those.  What do you need right now?  Listen to your body. 

Love and light x

[Cat Familiar]

Good points from both formflier and Harley Quinn.

I had a really nice relationship with my ex-husband's mother and I think she saw his mental illness quite clearly. But after I broke up with him, I didn’t keep in touch with her. I just didn’t want to have that connection to him anymore. Sad, because she was a wonderful woman that I cared about.

[I Am Redeemed]

Harley,

My r/s with MIL is valuable to me for a few reasons. First, she has always treated me like a daughter, and she feels like a second mother to me. Closer even than my r/s was with my own mother, and since my mother passed back in April having this type of r/s in my life is very important to me.

Second, I relate very much to my MIL as we have had similar (though unfortunate and traumatic) experiences. She went through seven years of abuse with uBPDh's father, who from all accounts sounds as if he had BPD traits, narcissistic traits and anti-social traits, along with substance abuse. He sounds even worse than uBPDh, honestly, and I believe she is lucky she survived her r/s with him. Also, there is the similarity in the loss of custody of our children. One of the ways in which FIL retaliated against MIL for filing for divorce (despite the fact that he had left her to be with another woman) was to drag out a court battle which she did not have the money to fight, in a small town where FIL's parents (though poverty-stricken themselves) had connections due to FIL's stepfather being a former constable. The court eventually awarded custody of MIL's children (including uBPDh, his sister, and his older brother who was not even biologically FIL's child) to the grandparents. It took over ten years for her to get custody back of the older two, and she never got custody back of uBPDh.

MIL is just as distressed by uBPDh's behavior as I am. In fact, she called today and said that he is now calling her three or four times a day asking about me, and she doesn't want to hear from him either. She answers the phone only because he always calls from a different number (i.e, one of the phone lines from work or the hotel, or a nearby gas station) and she doesn't want to not answer because she has custody of a special needs great grandchild and receives phone calls from all types of medical care professionals and social workers.

She said he told her he doesn't understand why I blocked him. I don't know if I believe that or not. He told me last Monday morning that he was afraid that I wasn't coming back- he made a comment about me picking up all of s2's trucks, because to him that was a definite sign that I was not coming back over there.

I think he does know that his behavior crossed the line, but to avoid the shame of that he has done mental gymnastics to pretend that he is the victim here, that I have suddenly cut off contact from him and am keeping him away from his son without just cause.

She said she is going to tell him that I said I don't want to have any more contact with him because it is not safe for me to do so, and he can do whatever he wants with that information- accept it (not likely), disbelieve it, get angry about it, whatever.

She also told me that I should watch my back. She speaks from her experience with FIL, and she said to call and let her know every few days that I am okay, because she believes that uBPDh is crazy enough to do something vindictive and harmful. He is her son, but she is not in denial about the danger he presents to me. She has seen his behavior firsthand and she knows it is too eerily close to what she experienced in her r/s with his father.

MIL is one of the few people I can talk to IRL who understands the complexities of trying to love someone who is mentally unstable and abusive. She is the only person I know who has experienced pretty much exactly the same types of abuse that I have. Many people do not understand how hard it is to leave a r/s like this once you are caught in it. MIL does, and she is a valuable source to me for validation.

Redeemed

[I Am Redeemed]

FF,

I do kind of question whether or not he is telling the truth about the van.

The red flags I saw with the situation are these:

1. My van worked just fine the day before this happened, in fact I traveled two counties over and back with no issues.

2. When I got off work that Sunday night, the van started just fine. There have been no warning signs whatsoever that could indicate a fuel pump problem (I googled them, and I realize that it could still happen with no signs, but still, there were none.)

3. UBPDh had hacked into the old Facebook messenger account while I was at work that night, and had found messages that he deemed proof that I was unfaithful and lying (not true, but he felt it was true and feelings=facts, so there you go.) When I got to the hotel room after work, he was in a falsely controlled state (I call it his Ready To Strike mood- I have seen it before, too many times.) It set my nerves on edge immediately. He had already begun the questioning and accusations- even forwarded one of the messages to me while I was at work. So I knew there was no way he was letting this go.

4. He was entirely too cooperative when I said I was gathering our things to leave. This is when he calmly said he was going down to check the coolant in the van, as he hadn't done it earlier. He came back and helped me carry s2 down and put him in his car seat- MINUS the usual clinging, hanging on, crying and telling him he loved him and he doesn't want it to be this way but MOMMY wants to leave, etc. There was none of that this time.

5. He seemed too eager for me to start the van- No sooner was I in the seat when he said, "Go ahead, start it up and get the heat going". And then it wouldn't start.

6. He seemed a little too smug when he took s2 out of the car seat and whisked him back up to the room, saying "well, looks like you're staying here tonight". Indeed.

7. A few weeks prior to this, he TOLD me he was going to do something to disable my van and force me to stay with him that night. Then he laughed and said he was "just joking."

8. He was really pushing me to let him come out to my house and take the old fuel pump off my old van and put it on the new one. Kept questioning whether it was me or my roommates who did not want him out there.

9. He used the rest of the night that I was trapped (at least I felt trapped) in the hotel room with him to obsess about, question and accuse me, then threaten divorce, then break down crying and hanging on to me, then holding me and rocking back and forth saying things like "it's ok, it's going to be ok, we're going to get this house and get our kids back... ." Then he tried to pressure me to have sex with him and cuddle with him.

Possibly he is telling the truth about the fuel pump. But I told the mechanic everything that happened, including that he said it was the fuel pump, and they checked it out several times and even kept it overnight. They found nothing wrong with it.

So, it's another instance where I have doubts and second-guessing. But whether he did or didn't, the rest of it was enough reason to never, ever ever ever go back over there.

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

Redeemed,
You seem to have a good handle on what's going on with your H. And yes, his mother sounds like a wonderful advocate for you.

Cat

[formflier]

IAR

You have good reason to be suspicious... .and it is my belief he disabled your van

Even a broken clock is correct twice every day.  (think about that for a bit). 

And... .he is a mechanic and is aware of quick fixes which are plausible  (such as whacking on the tank).

He is also aware that that removing a fuse (or even slightly backing one out) will do the same thing as a bad pump... since no electricity will get to pump.

This is speculative on my part but I think it's important for you to understand how easy it is for someone with knowledge to "disable" a van or make it appear a fuel pump is having an issue.

Quick systems lesson.

What likely happens in your car and does happen in most (but not all).  When you turn your key to "run" position (just short of car cranking) electricity is allowed to flow to to the fuel pump.  The pathway that electricity takes is "through" the fuse box... and through a  (you guessed it) fuse.

https://www.zoro.com/eaton-bussmann-fuse-10a-nonindicating-atc-32vdc-atc-10/i/G3496184/feature-product?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI0_DY0Zuz3gIVybrACh3m7QoZEAYYASABEgJ7-PD_BwE

If the fuse "blows" or "burns up"... no electricity gets to pump... .pump doesn't work. 

If the fuse is removed or even "backed out slightly"... .same effect... .no electricity gets to pump. (yet the rest of the car works fine... engine will crank... etc etc)

So... .he only needs a few seconds to "tug on the fuse" or remove it completely.  Same for putting it back in.

No "real" damage is done to your vehicle, yet he can "control" when your vehicle works and doesn't.

Sadly... .messing with fuses is a way that dishonest mechanics cheat people.  Most honest mechanics will replace fuses and not even charge a customer.

Again... .this is somewhat speculative on my part... .but sadly... entirely plausible. 

I think it is critical that your hubby no longer have any physical access to your van.  Then... time will tell.

Fuel pumps don't magically heal... .they usually deteriorate with age.  If you don't see any symptoms for several months... .I think you can safely assume there is NOT an issue with your pump and the issue has something do to with a dishonest mechanic.

   

 Listen to your intuition.

Is your intuition "telling you" your husband is an honest mechanic? 

Is your intuition "telling you" that you should otherwise trust your husband?

What steps are you taking/should you take... .based on your intuition?

   

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

FF,

The minute I tried to start the van that night and it wouldn't start, my immediate first thought  was that he had done something to make it not start. That was my instinct kicking in, before the doubts and second-guessing started, which came later after I was removed from the situation.

That is still my instinct. I have questioned it though, because for one, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt (even the boy who cried "wolf") and for another, because I want to be cautious just in case the fuel pump really does have an issue and I might find myself stuck somewhere with the van not starting again. So I have tried to pay attention to the way it starts, drives, etc.

Also, it is a little bit hard to accept that someone could be so disordered and unstable as to pull a crazy stunt like that. But if there was anyone who would be capable of it, uBPDh fits the bill.

When I told MIL about what happened, her first instinct was that he had done something to it as well.

I googled the fuse panel where the fuel pump relay fuse is located on my van. It's under the hood. Ideal place for someone to pull it while checking the coolant.

I think the whole "tapping on the gas tank" thing was just for show. He made sure to make a comment (addressed to s2) about how he was "crawling around on the cold, hard ground" to perform said tapping, thus drawing attention to the "sacrifice" he was making in order to get me back on the road. He also launched into a "systems lesson" of his own designed to prove to me how much he knows about the way fuel pumps work and, I'm sure, convince me that he was telling the truth. He even had me listen at the gas tank for the clicking noise that he claimed was proof that the pump was not coming on.

And if tapping on the gas tank would have gotten my van started and gotten me on the road, he could have done it Sunday night and let s2 and I go home instead of waiting until Monday morning. He woke up late for work (I actually woke him up) and claimed his alarms did not go off because s2 had turned them all off. Then he took his time getting up and getting ready and going down front for coffee and breakfast, instead of catching the first bus out to get to work. He was in no hurry to go anywhere. That is when he tried tapping on the tank, and he had me try to start the van but it still did not start. We went back up to the room and he told me he would go try it again. Then he came back and said it had started and was idling, but he wanted to go get one more cup of coffee before I took him to work. And then when he came back he claimed the van had just died. He told me I should have my co-worker come pick me up since I was baby-sitting her kids that morning, and he made sure he missed the next bus so he would be there when she got there to pick me up. He wanted to make sure she saw him. The next day he posted some rambling, nonsensical post on Facebook about me sneaking around to see him, and how he forgives me for being a liar because we both have made mistakes and we are going to get through "this" together (whatever "this" is) and that he hopes I get better.

I have not had any issues with starting the van nor having it die on me the entire week I have been driving it since I picked it up from the mechanic.

UBPDh has worked on cars for nearly thirty years, since he was a kid. He has a lot of knowledge. He makes a big deal out of telling me stories about how honest he is when it comes to people that come into the shop with issues. And probably, he does not try to get people to have work done that they don't need.

However, I have also seen him steal entire sets of tires from the owner of a shop he worked for out in the country, an old man who gave him the responsibility of running the whole shop, who let him borrow money, who rented us a house for very cheap rent. He stole from this man and sold the tires for drugs.

I stand by the decision I made with the help of the DV agency to stay in NC with uBPDh and treat all interaction with him as potentially dangerous. If I have any mechanical issues in the future, I will take my van to the mechanic that my manager recommended. They were very nice and they checked the van out several times before releasing it to me just to make sure it was ok. They charged me only a $40 fee for running the diagnostics. They could have told me anything was wrong. In fact, since I already told them I thought the fuel pump was bad they could have went ahead and replaced it and charged me for it. They did not do that.

Part of the effects of all the gaslighting and crazy making over the years is that I don't trust my instincts enough. Who would think that someone would be crazy enough to purposely disable someone else's van? but my instinct says that is exactly what happened, and he will not be allowed another opportunity to disrupt my life in such a drastic way just to play his disordered games.

Redeemed

[formflier]

I googled the fuse panel where the fuel pump relay fuse is located on my van. It's under the hood. Ideal place for someone to pull it while checking the coolant.
 

Awesome work... .!  I intentionally left out this part of my theory.  You filled in the blank.   

With the added details of what he did when you were present... and then getting you up to the room so he could mess around without you present... .it is "more likely than not"... .that you are correct.

Also... solid work on paying close attention to details of starting and driving.

And... just to be clear... .the clicking and tapping are "truth".  He has the tech skills to mix in some "truth" with his deception.  Fuel pumps that are "in the tank" and "push" fuel out have their own set of problems that mechanics have figured out over the years how to diagnosis and work about... especially when not in a shop setting.

Many of those things seem ridiculous to "newbies" (such as tapping)... but they work. 

Quick FF story.  I'm helping my buddy out with a free car that was given to him.  Older Saturn... .he just needed a ride to work and money was tight... so didn't want to "throw" parts at it.  We needed to diagnose.

I suspected the fuel pump was "weak" so we rigged up this system to plug a hair dryer into the lighter in the car.  Hair dryer was stuck in gas tank opening and duct tape sealed it up (run fan on high... no heat).  That gave a few "extra psi" of pressure in the tank and the car ran fine... .unplug the hair dryer... .car ran bad.

Trip to a junkyard for a "new" used pump... .and car worked great.

Yes... .we made a point of driving around town for a while with a hair dryer duct taped to gas tank opening... .just so people would look... .     

Keep trusting your intuition... especially the "first" one you get. 


FF

[I Am Redeemed]

Been reading about gaslight tactics. Mixing in a grain of truth is part of what makes them effective.

Not sure if the whole fuel pump thing is gaslighting, in and of itself, but it is very disturbing.

UBPDh is now trying to contact my co-workers. My roommate blocked him. I expect this to escalate.

I start dv counseling next week. I will see the dv counselor and my regular therapist both next Thursday.

Took my kids out to eat last night, and I am trying to maintain a normal schedule and not freak out.

My sister has read the Facebook posts and it made her mad. She said it would make me mad too, which is exactly why I am not going to read them.

Trying to focus on self care and remember that I have put in many years of effort into someone else so it is natural that I feel strange to focus on my needs.

I have positive hopes for the future. This is the beginning of a new path for me and it is scary, but I don't have time to waste anymore.

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

Awesome that you're looking at your relationship from a new perspective! 

I know it's hard after so many years of trying everything you could to make it all right, and nothing seemed to work for long.   

I'm so glad that you've got support through counseling and that you're trying to maintain a "normal" life during this time, as normal-ish as possible. It will get better, but you're doing everything right through this difficult phase. 

Good that your sister has read his posts so that you don't have to. I had a roommate that would read the hateful letters my mother sent me so that I didn't have to--it really helped.

You're on a great path, Redeemed! Good work! The Angels in your life are helping you on a daily basis!

[Enabler]

Hey Redeemed,

So, what lessons can you learn from these experiences above and beyond what you have already so gloriously learnt in the past few weeks:

- He is trying to get 'at you', he's desperate to find any reason imaginable to have ANY sort of connection with you. ANY REASON & ANY WAY. This is why you sought and received a restraining order and this is why he has supervised visitation rights. You need to maintain your vigilance that this is adhered to.

- Detecting gaslighting is challenging, like you say he is skilled at blending just enough fact to the fiction that it might be plausible. Switching your mind from truth/lie to doubtful/possible/probable and amend your reactions accordingly. Since you are unlikely to get 'proof' that something is 'fact' there is no point in responding as if something is 'fact', instead respond as if something is probable. e.g.
You - You have tampered with my car, removed a fuse or something haven't you?
Him - No, how could you think I would do that?

Now how are you left?
vs

Him - You van is busted, I will fix it tomorrow, you need to stay here tonight, bring all your electronics in with you and you'll have to sleep in my bed
You - (In your head... .it is HIGHLY probable that given he clearly has an agenda he probably tampered with the source of the issue... .   ... .what is the safest way to turn left when he wants me to turn right here?) owww okay, I'll call a taxi and leave it here overnight, I'll get someone else to come and have a look at it tomorrow morning.

It would be wise to assume that what is probable is PROBABLY CORRECT, do not hang around waiting to find evidence that it is fact. Do not waste time or effort on any sort of accusation, discussion or justification, just turn in completely the opposite direction. Every time he tries to determine the direction of you, turn and walk the other way. My suspicion is that he will eventually learn to not try. It comes down to him having to accept that he has no control, he will never get control and you don't want or accept his control. How would this have looked if he'd have said "Hey, your van is broken, pop your stuff in my car and I'll drop you home" or "You take my car, I'll get this one going and drop it round tomorrow to work" or "I'll call you a cab and work out a way of getting the van to you ASAP, you tell me what you want."?

-Detach ANY reliance on him, any connection is a route to him attempting to have control. The internet especially Youtube is an awesome resource for car maintenance for example.

Enabler

 

[I Am Redeemed]

You're on a great path, Redeemed! Good work! The Angels in your life are helping you on a daily basis!

It's funny that you mention that, Cat... .or maybe it's not... .I just read about signs from the Angels in your life, because I have continually happened to look at the clock when it reads 12:34 every day for several days in a row. Apparently that means (if you believe in this sort of thing) that the Angels are telling me to simplify my life by getting rid of emotional baggage tied to the past, and that I am on the right track for my life purpose.

Interesting.

Enabler,

Yes, vigilance is needed because I have noticed the pattern of desperation equaling escalation as far as behavior is concerned.

I have begun to be able to recognize and take apart, so to speak, the forms of abuse and control that don't include the obvious (physical violence, name calling, criticism, put downs, etc.) The more pathological behaviors seem to have gotten lost underneath the blatant, up-front abuse.

No contact removes opportunity for the more direct forms of abuse and control. So yes, he is now searching for any open door he can find, all the while orchestrating his position as the victim through social media and probably other ways unknown to me.

One of his favorite games has always been to tell me that he talked to so-and-so and they said (fill in the blank statement which supports his perception or viewpoint and undercuts mine) so I have no doubt that he is playing that game now, trying to gain support and validation for his position of how he is not at fault and I am treating him coldly and unfairly.

More than ever, and perhaps most importantly, I have learned (and continue to remind myself) that all of his recent collective behavior is solid proof of his unwillingness to acknowledge or change behavior that is so damaging. He doesn't really care about the trauma he has caused me, nor does he care about learning to relate in a healthy adult way. He is still interested in his agenda only, regardless of the cost to me, and also denies that he is still causing damage to me. I don't know if that's conscious or not, maybe both. I have been wondering if he might possibly have anti social personality disorder as well. Certainly he has many of the traits.

Really, though, whether these behaviors are calculated or simply learned dysfunctional mechanisms that come as natural as breathing, the effect on me and my children remains the same. More and more I am gaining strength by acknowledging that I have a right to refuse to be abused and controlled, no matter how many personality or mental disorders someone else has.

Neither will I let sadness or sympathy for him control my life. I have a right to be happy, and I don't have to feel guilty about it.

Redeemed

[empath]

One of his favorite games has always been to tell me that he talked to so-and-so and they said (fill in the blank statement which supports his perception or viewpoint and undercuts mine) so I have no doubt that he is playing that game now, trying to gain support and validation for his position of how he is not at fault and I am treating him coldly and unfairly.

My h does this, too. He was over last weekend "fixing" our internet connection and said that he talked to his dad who thinks_____. The sad thing is that in my case, this behavior has caused my relationship with these people to be broken.

He doesn't really care about the trauma he has caused me, nor does he care about learning to relate in a healthy adult way. He is still interested in his agenda only, regardless of the cost to me, and also denies that he is still causing damage to me.

Yep. Mine too. This week, my h said that he was "worried" about my ability to pay for food and gas and wanted to know how I'm doing that. A healthy adult would do something about the needs that they perceived.

Redeemed, you seem much more calm and reflective since going no contact.

[I Am Redeemed]

Redeemed, you seem much more calm and reflective since going no contact.

I feel much more calm. I have the space I need to focus on me, not being bombarded by his constant attention seeking.

I used to spend a lot of time trying to figure out what was wrong with him, because I believed that I could find a way to fix it if I could just untangle the whole knotted up mess.

Now, I have let go of that and I am instead trying to learn more about the effects that I am experiencing so I can do something to recover from them. I don't want to be a victim, I don't even want to be just a survivor. I want to be an overcomer. I want to use the experiences in my life to make a difference in someone else's.

Having a choice is a powerful recognition.

Redeemed

[Harley Quinn]

I want to be an overcomer. I want to use the experiences in my life to make a difference in someone else's.

And right you will.  I like your thinking around victim, survivor, vs. something more.  I decided that I will be a warrior after reading a quote from Socrates:

"I call myself a peaceful warrior, because the battles we fight are on the inside."

I see the fight you have been having on the inside Redeemed, and think that you are a warrior too.  It takes a huge amount of strength to win that internal battle and pull down the veil of the alternate reality we were sold.  Hold your head up, shoulders back, chest out and feel proud of yourself.  You are already an overcomer in my view.   

Love and light x

[Cat Familiar]

I second what Harley Quinn has said. You're an overcomer already, Redeemed.        

[Feeling Better]

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