Psychosis

[Autismmom]

Hi,

I'm here for support on how to cope with my spouse's BPD.  He has not been officially diagnosed, but I've been married to him for over 10 years, we have been to many psychologist and marriage counselors to know that he has it.  He does not know that I even think he has it, any time I suggest depression or any mental health he denies it and tells me I'm crazy.  Anyway, we have a son on the Autism Spectrum, and a younger son with ADHD, my husband has a HIGH stress job and the normal stressors of any family let alone one with a child with a disability, is a lot for me.  At the moment, my husband and I are going to marriage counseling, and at the last appointment the therapist told him he was showing signs of PTSD, due to his job and that he was going through Psychosis.  Anyway, my husband denied it and now doesn't want to go back.  He blames me for the whole thing and threaten to leave me.  To sum up, my very long story (this is just a short version) I have read twice the book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul T. Mason, M.S. & Ramdi Kreger.  In my quest to find support and understanding of my husband to help with our marriage and parenting I ended up on the bpdfamily.com page and well here I am.  Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Autismmom, and

any time I suggest depression or any mental health he denies it and tells me I'm crazy.

it sure is frustrating, isnt it? my dad was very similar. you want to suggest things you know could help a person help themselves (and what a load off it would be for you) and youre met with great resistance, yet the problems, and the complaints about those problems persist.

people with traits of this disorder can be very distrusting of others. i think that there can be a certain fear of not only intimacy with loved ones, but with someone like a therapist. there may, on some level, even be a fear of recovery or progress.

Anyway, we have a son on the Autism Spectrum, and a younger son with ADHD, my husband has a HIGH stress job and the normal stressors of any family let alone one with a child with a disability, is a lot for me. 

you do have a lot on your plate. im glad that you reached out to us, because a good, strong support system is really critical in these relationships. i hope that youll stick around and make yourself at home here as part of the family.

At the moment, my husband and I are going to marriage counseling, and at the last appointment the therapist told him he was showing signs of PTSD, due to his job and that he was going through Psychosis.  Anyway, my husband denied it and now doesn't want to go back.  He blames me for the whole thing and threaten to leave me.

so it sounds like, for the time being, you dont have a willing partner in all of this. that may or may not change. what we do here, is about learning to cope and resolve conflict in healthier ways, and believe me when i say that this can go a very long way in giving us emotional space and peace, limiting conflict in our relationships, and sometimes our partners even follow our lead. so in having reached out for support, there is hope, and you can begin to learn, practice, and get feedback on the tools.

a good place to start would be to tell us more about the primary sources of conflict between the two of you.

also, tell us more about his high stress job, how it impacts him, and you.

[Autismmom]

Once Removed,

Thank you for replying to my post. 

Our main source of fights is, he complains that I don't make time for him.  When I do make time for him, he rejects me.  He admits that I do approach him but he rejects me because he is mad that I didn't make time for him when HE wanted the time.  He said my main focus is the kids and my job (I left my full time job to stay home to focus on our ASD son and got a working from home part-time to get a little income to pay for my sons therapies) He complains we don't have money and that I should go back to work, but then complains when I work and suggest that I quit.  I have come a long way in recognizing that I need to focus on my self and my emotional well being.  For years I blamed my self and believed everything he told me I was.  It's only been a year since I started researching BPD and learning how to respond.  I must add that 4 months in to my journey of learning about BPD we separated.  He started to see the changes in me and couldn't handle it, it was too overwhelming and he had a depressive, manic, psychotic, distorted reality episode that lasted 3 months.  Once he was out of it, he was back to the man I married.  So we got back together, its only been 5 months since and he is now back to the BPD husband.  Its, exhausting, but I love him, and like I tell my family and friends, when he is good, he is GOOD but when he is bad he is BAD, and I don't know what to do.  I would love to give more details on his job, but without giving it away, all i can say is, it is classified as one of the top 3 most stressful jobs in the world.  He enjoys and is amazing at what he does and doesn't recognize that it is stressful and ruining our family.

[once removed]

people with this disorder struggle mightily in communicating their needs, and may use dysfunctional methods to do so. they tend to resent themselves for having needs, and simultaneously place that resentment on others.

the trick is to read a bit between the lines. one good way, if youre having trouble, is to listen with empathy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy), and to ask validating questions.

so lets take this example: he complains that you dont make time for him. what does he say? how do you respond?

[Radcliff]

What does your support system look like?  Do you have your own therapist?  Do you find yourself socially isolated by the needs of your family, or are you regularly able to interact with extended family and friends?  Do you have activities that you are able to do for your own enjoyment?  Part of making the improvements once removed is talking about is staying strong and as healthy as possible, and our support system helps give us strength to weather the turbulence.

RC

[Enabler]

Hey Autismmom, sorry to hear about your struggles.

Once you have answered the other guys questions would you be able to elaborate on how you and your couples counsellor see your husband struggling with psychosis, how does that manifest itself? Unsupported but entrenched beliefs by someone can be totally maddening, how are do you currently deal with this?

Enabler

[Autismmom]

Hi Radcliff,

What does your support system look like? At this time, my BFF who's mother is BPD and was the first person to point out to me the BPD signs on my husband. My sister who lives 4 hours away. Through out the years I've had more, but I've slowly stopped talking to them about my husband or problems, because it felt embarrassing to continue to burden them with the same stories over and over again.  I also, feared judgment on me and on my husband.

By the way, writing this on a post, is not easy.  These are questions that nobody has asked before.

Do you have your own therapist? I had a therapist of my own for about 6 months.  After my husband and I got back together (from the 3 months seperation) she called me and said she couldn't see me any more because she was taking a leave of absense and didn't know when she was going to come back.  She gave me some recommendations that I googled and just didn't think they would be a good fit.

Do you find yourself socially isolated by the needs of your family, or are you regularly able to interact with extended family and friends? I do find my self isolated at times, specially because I do not have any family where I live.  The closest family member is 4 hours away.  However, I typically keep my self busy with my part-time work or friends that feel like family. 

Do you have activities that you are able to do for your own enjoyment? The only activity that I do for my own enjoyment is watch, reality TV or my favorite shows "This is us" and "Good Doctor" and that's usually late at night while everyone is sleeping.

Part of making the improvements once removed is talking about is staying strong and as healthy as possible, and our support system helps give us strength to weather the turbulence.  Yeah, I'm not strong these days.

[Autismmom]

Enabler,

I see the Psychosis, because I know when my husband is having his good days and I know his bad days.  But then their are these days, where his whole perspective of the things that are going on around us, are completely distorted in comparison to the way everyone else sees it.  I also, see the rage or as he would put it "passion", that he puts in to what he thinks is the "truth" or "right thing".  He is also way more talkative than usual.  In the particular day that our therapist pointed it out, he was going on and on and on about the happiness and unhappiness of our relationship.  Wouldn't let us put a word in, would talk over the therapist and start talking about unrelated things.  If I would say anything that he didn't agree with regarding the way he saw it, he would get up and threaten to leave. Another sign for me is how much he sleeps, typically spends his days off sleeping.

I don't believe I have a way of dealing with unsupported but entrenched beliefs.  I just take them in and obsessively think them over in my head over and over again.  I do suffer from anxiety and ADhD.  Currently take a SSRi and Vyvanse to treat them.

[Enabler]

Morning Autismmom,

Thank you for responding.

Psychosis seems to cover such a broad spectrum of behaviours, I ripped this from wiki:

"a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality."

It seems it can manifest itself in so many different ways. I'm not an expert on the spectrum however I have experienced a suite of behaviours from my wife. One I have experienced a lot is the perception that things are being 'done to them' rather that things just happening and somehow they experience them... .e.g. "they are parking their new car in the street just to taunt me", "that person was trying to crash into me", "you're late home intentionally because you knew I was going out". Other people are purposefully trying to 'get at' them. My wife has sensed evil spirits in the house and convinced herself that the house had an omen, she has seen angels on top of mountains, she has believed that I was a local rapist. This is very real for her.

After the events pass and the emotions subside, does he refer to the events again? Is the psychosis isolated to his heightened emotional state, and when he returns to baseline he is able to differentiate between fact and fiction, or does it persist?

What type of ways do you see psychosis in your H?

Enabler

[Radcliff]

It's OK to have only part of your support network who you share deep details with.  Coworkers and friends who feel like family who you can interact with and gain energy from are a vital resource even if you're not talking to them about problems with your husband (in fact, it can be great to have part of your support network focused on other things, to get your mind off of your troubles).

Finding a therapist is hard work, especially when life is busy.  What are your thoughts about giving it another go?

RC