How to make healthy friends?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So after a BPD mother made sure as a kid to ruin my friendships, have me put everyone elses feelings before my own and have no boundaries it has taken me years to build up self esteem and make healthy friends who don't run all over me or put me down. I just posted for advice on this in another thread but I'm in a situation where I'm lost on how to take the friendship to the next level. I'm leaving town and have become friends with my teacher and some women in a class I'm taking. Maybe this is not the best time to try to grow a stronger friendship but I would like to know how to do that. There of course is always the voice in me from getting bullied by others in the past that makes me think maybe these people don't really like me or from having a friend who told me she loved me recently then dropped me overnight I can't help but think they will decide they don't like me too. I saw this old friend befriend me and others by kind of love bombing us. I don't know if the this is the right way to make friends. These people seem to like me in class. They hug me and some bring me things. I really on top of it love my teacher but I don't know if she is willing to stay my friend outside of class. She designed a whole class around what I want to study and is upset I will be moving out of state even though I told her for months that might be happening. I think she is kind of mad at me but at the same time I don't know even if I stayed if she would hang out with me outside of class and for various reasons mainly my bfs BPD mom who is getting more intrusive and abusive it is time to leave town. I really wish I really wish I could stay longer to hang out with her and study with her but I would love to still stay in touch and come back as she does workshops and maybe form a friendship but I just don't know how to do this. I had parents who had little to no friends. My BPD Mom finds faults and fights with everyone who does friend her. I'm happy to say I love people, sometimes too much maybe. As someone else once responded to my posts when they do find someone who is good to them they go out of their way to do good stuff for them. I'm the same way after so much abuse when I find someone loving to me I love them back with all my heart. I just don't know how to take a friendship from someone I meet in a class or out somewhere or at work to one where we can hang out and let our guards down more. I tried telling my teacher how much I enjoy spending time with her but I also don't want to freak people out.  Even if I have to leave this group of ladies behind. I need to know how to form friendships in the future.

[Star0009]

So after a BPD mother made sure as a kid to ruin my friendships, have me put everyone elses feelings before my own and have no boundaries it has taken me years to build up self esteem and make healthy friends who don't run all over me or put me down. I just posted for advice on this in another thread but I'm in a situation where I'm lost on how to take the friendship to the next level. I'm leaving town and have become friends with my teacher and some women in a class I'm taking. Maybe this is not the best time to try to grow a stronger friendship but I would like to know how to do that. There of course is always the voice in me from getting bullied by others in the past that makes me think maybe these people don't really like me or from having a friend who told me she loved me recently then dropped me overnight I can't help but think they will decide they don't like me too. I saw this old friend befriend me and others by kind of love bombing us. I don't know if the this is the right way to make friends. These people seem to like me in class. They hug me and some bring me things. I really on top of it love my teacher but I don't know if she is willing to stay my friend outside of class. She designed a whole class around what I want to study and is upset I will be moving out of state even though I told her for months that might be happening. I think she is kind of mad at me but at the same time I don't know even if I stayed if she would hang out with me outside of class and for various reasons mainly my bfs BPD mom who is getting more intrusive and abusive it is time to leave town. I really wish I really wish I could stay longer to hang out with her and study with her but I would love to still stay in touch and come back as she does workshops and maybe form a friendship but I just don't know how to do this. I had parents who had little to no friends. My BPD Mom finds faults and fights with everyone who does friend her. I'm happy to say I love people, sometimes too much maybe. As someone else once responded to my posts when they do find someone who is good to them they go out of their way to do good stuff for them. I'm the same way after so much abuse when I find someone loving to me I love them back with all my heart. I just don't know how to take a friendship from someone I meet in a class or out somewhere or at work to one where we can hang out and let our guards down more. I tried telling my teacher how much I enjoy spending time with her but I also don't want to freak people out.  Even if I have to leave this group of ladies behind. I need to know how to form friendships in the future.

[JNChell]

Hello, Star0009. This is a good topic. Thanks for bringing it here. Friendship can be hard ground to navigate. Especially when we’re unsure of ourselves. I’m very unsure of myself at times. I often allow self doubt to override something that might be positive or productive for me. I’m getting better at placing a pause on these feelings, but it’s a work in progress.

I'm lost on how to take the friendship to the next level.

Don’t feel lost Star. You don’t have to take anything to the next level. I wish that I knew how to explain this better, but it’ll be best if this friendship is allowed to simply unfold. No pressure from either side. Plenty of breathing room. Effortless to a point. Something that is just allowed to be. Know what I mean?

I don’t know how to form life long relationships this far down the road of life. I’m 42, and have formed the friendships that I wish to keep at this point in time. I’ve also trimmed a lot of fat when it comes to who I decide to keep close to me. The only thing that we can really do is be ourselves. Being ourselves will attract what it does. We can decide how we feel about what we attract when that happens. I’ve also found that letting go of any expectations about another person is important. I ask myself this often, so I’d like to ask you the same question. What would a new and blossoming friendship look like to you?

[Star0009]

Yeah thats what people have said is that people have their friends for life by this age. I'm 40. The women in my class are 40 and up. Its hard because people have their group of friends already like you said and aren't open to new people usually.
I would like to hang out with these women and share stories, let our guards down more, be able to talk on the phone, confide in one another or even have movie sleep overs, even be comfortable snuggling .I know plenty of grown women and groups of friends like this but they have known each other forever. I had girls and women like this in my life at certain points but I lost them mostly from shutting down and friendships came easily to them so they just moved on.

[Turkish]

I made friends in college, and a couple I still keep in contact with even if I only see them like once a year.  We graduated in 1992. They are ten years older than me,  so these aren't frat friends.

One off my BFFs, I knew him when he was 14 and I was 17, was kind of hurt when I moved out of state when I was 27 (I came back when I was 30). I heard it more from a mutual friend.  Even so,  this is life.  I still keep in contact with one of my mates I worked with in the other state when I left in 2000. A couple of others feel by the wayside.  This is also life.  

It sounds like your classmates and your teacher really like you.  Keep contact.  Be honest with your teacher. "I really appreciate you and would like to keep in contact. You made a positive impact in my life and it would be cool to see you when I come back to visit." Share your feelings.  Intimacy needs a certain amount of vulnerability to work.  If you struggle with this,  try on something new.  If it doesn't pan out,  you'll be there in your new life and you can cherish the experience all the same.  

[Star0009]

Thanks! That is a great way to put it. I guess I'm still unsure of myself sometimes especially when it comes to putting myself out there.

[Turkish]

It took a long time to get myself out there. Even when I made friends in Oregon, I was surprised at the people who really liked me. It felt odd, but I went with it.  It took until I was almost 40 top be really comfortable with myself.  I had to work at it though.