5 months in...

[crestfallen1972]

Well it's been almost 5 months since my last post. She and I are still together. I love her very much but I can't take the push/pull, value/devaluing, constant criticism and judgement and empty promises anymore.

My SO has a drinking problem as well which is making her flare-ups more frequent. She has met most of my close friends and my brother. She puts on a good act. Nobody knows about her BPD and until recently I have been making excuses for her very bad behavior.

She is 35 and is "inbetween jobs" which is to say she gets a couple odd jobs here and there. Her father enables her by letting her live in his townhouse rent free and gives her a stipend to live on each week. Most of which goes to cigarettes and booze.

She tries to break up with me at least once a month. I get upset and keep going back for more because chemically I am still in love with her. I also don't want to abandon her. I wouldn't say I'm codependent since I've been single for a long time and can function fine by myself, oftentimes even preferring it to recharge my batteries so-to-speak. However she really has a hold on me. I want her to get better, to try harder, to go back to therapy and maybe get on a mood-stabilizer to stave off the (sometimes public) outbursts she has with strangers.

She gives me lip service... ."I'll try harder" "I won't yell at you like that again" "I won't slam the doors in the house and act like a petulant child" but lo and behold it just keeps happening.

The sex is non-existent which is almost better for me because then I'm not more biochemically drawn in. But I cannot leave her. I know I can if I want to but I am choosing not to. Perhaps the fact that I'm on here after such a long time is an indication of me "coming to my senses". I dunno.

The joblessness, the alienation from all of her family members, the money anxiety, the horrible self image and refusing to care for herself. It all breaks my heart. When I'm with her and holding her it feels like I'm helping but I know this isn't my responsibility to "fix" her. She goes from being the sweetest person on earth to being a nasty, angry, aggressive person and then ultimately the apology tour starts after that, I forgive... .rinse and repeat. On and on it goes.

My self esteem has taken a bit of a hit. I'm still working out, going to work, cleaning my house and in communication with my loved ones. Sometimes when I'm at work I get so angry. I'll replay a conversation or some nasty thing she said and get myself really worked up. It's been very trying.

The thought of breaking up with her or her with me makes me physically sick. I wish I could rid myself of whatever that feeling is that engulfs my entire body and let whatever needs to happen just happen. I wish I could be stronger right now.

Wish there was a pill to take to numb everything so you can break up with somebody. The physical reaction I get around this girl is really something. I'm not being authentic.

I texted her earlier from work that she needs to be more productive during the day and to be in better communication with me. This was huge for me to even write to her, since I tend to get wary of starting a conflict or fight. I got a very sarcastic reply and an "I love you". Now though I feel she is at home stewing in her anger over my "demands". She lives across the street from me, so when I get home she'll either be in adoration mood with dinner waiting or I'll arrive home to probably find my key on the step and my things I left at her house. I just never know what I'm going to get.

I really can't live like this anymore. It's not what I had in mind and I know it's unhealthy. I'm never going to help her if she won't help herself or even admit to herself that there's a problem. I truly do love her but I'm so tired.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi crestfallen1972,

I wouldn't say I'm codependent since I've been single for a long time and can function fine by myself, oftentimes even preferring it to recharge my batteries so-to-speak.

this is sort of a stereotype of codependency, and it was my thinking too. a lot of us tend to think of codependency or codependent tendencies as some totally enmeshed person who cant be alone, is super clingy/dependent, and a door mat. as an introvert, it didnt fit me at first either. codependent tendencies have more to do with our level of differentiation, and that is challenged most with people that are closest to us.

we can set that aside though.

it sounds like youre having a really rough go right now and have been for a while. there are a lot of long standing issues, and its hard to know which way is up. do i have that right?

there are two things that i would advise first:

1. dont go underwater (post every five months). these relationships require a strong support system more than any other. you dont have to do this alone, and you can get real support and feedback here. posting in the threads of others will also help keep you sharp, and in problem solving mode.

2. learning and applying the tools here can give you a great deal of emotional space and breathing room, can stop the bleeding and defuse conflict, and in many cases, lead to real, lasting improvement. and in the worst case scenario, they can give you a much smoother landing should you decide to leave. have you taken a look at them? are you interested in trying them?

[Radcliff]

once removed has solid advice.  Real change is hard work, and you'll need support.  Without outside support to make changes, you can go years with the status quo.

You told her to be more productive.  You are managing her a bit.  You see how her father's support keeps her from having to do her own work.  Can you think of whether some of the ways you may be taking care of her or attempting to guide her may be similar, though perhaps not as obvious?

RC

[crestfallen1972]

Thank you Once Removed and Radcliff.

Perhaps I am a codependent. I do need to be on this site more often.

I always feel better after posting.

My SO and I went into the city yesterday, and while she always criticizes my driving she was better this time. I politely asked her before we left if she would please be conscious of that since trying to drive in a city with somebody in the passenger seating very anxious only makes the drive anxious. She did well. She fell asleep on the way home. As we approached our town and almost home I gently tried to wake her up. I was met with an angry "SHUSH". I pulled into my driveway. "What? no door-to-door service which I provide to you?" I put the car in drive and drove her to her place 100 feet away. She angrily got out, shut the car door (on my purse no less) and muttered "see you later".

I'm less surprised by these incidents than I used to be. When she wakes up sometimes she is very aggressive and angry. It still pissed me off and I went back to my place and continued on with my adult chores and other things. I can't have these blow-ups affect me as they are so frequent and nonsensical that I don't want to waste my time or my emotions.

So last night a friend of mine stopped by and we were hanging out in the dining room. All of a sudden she shows up. No knock on the door or anything, just stomps into the dining room and asks for an ingredient she needed to cook with. I gave it to her, My friend said hello, she mutters hello with no eye contact. I get up to hug her, she makes it clear she wants no contact, I asked if she still wants me to come over later to watch TV, she says She's just going to crash, so no. She takes her stuff, mutters thanks and leaves. I believe she came in stealthily to really start something with me but was thrown by my friend being there. I notice she changes her attitude when she knows she's displaying her BPD in front of people she doesn't know very well.

This AM after not hearing from her I texted her "good morning" so far I have gotten no response. I'm okay with this as I am at work and tonight plan on going to the gym and then work though the night on my projects. I'm not going to text her. I do love this person. But yes I am getting sick of the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde stuff and getting sick of her not willing to go to therapy.

I forget which of you write that I was basically just emulating her Dad by being a caregiver and that's true. I need to cut that out and be more aware of that. I need to let her be her, even if it means watching her fall and stumble.

She has never threatened suicide but does self-harm by drinking on an empty stomach and picks fights sometimes with strangers in parking lots. I have had enough.

Going to try to be back to this thread sooner not later.

xo

[Radcliff]

Crestfallen1972, it's good to see you back.  When we are in BPD relationships, we eventually learn how much we are participating in the relationship dynamic, often fueling conflict.  Our fear of losing the relationship can lead to us not setting boundaries to protect ourselves from bad behavior.  To unlearn these bad habits and learn new ones takes months of steady effort, which is what this site is for.

It sounds like you made some good progress in describing your needs while driving, and she responded well.  Good work!

What would you say is the most difficult situation or type of behavior from her these days?  If you can describe an incident in detail -- what she did, and how you responded -- we can help you work through alternate approaches that are likely to get better results.

RC

[crestfallen1972]

-What would you say is the most difficult situation or type of behavior from her these days?  If you can describe an incident in detail -- what she did, and how you responded -- we can help you work through alternate approaches that are likely to get better results.

These days I would say the most difficult thing is watching her beat herself up and continue to not be productive in seeking full-time employment. The piece-meal jobs that she does manage to sporadically get leave her too much time to go drinking down at the Club.

The combination of drinking earlier in the day and then passing out/going to bed around 5-6 then getting up from 2-10 then sleeping through the afternoon are neither good for her health, mental well-being or productivity as an adult. I handle this by not really commenting because if I do it's a trap. It affects our relationship. It affects her anxiety level by not having money, it affects her self-esteem because she knows that it's lame that she is lying rent-free utilities included with a stipend from her father. Frankly it's not my problem but it's very difficult to witness.

[crestfallen1972]

I just never know what I'm going to get with her. Some days she seems lucid and fine and is fun to be around. Other days it's like dealing with a Hydra. She is to my knowledge undiagnosed. I would love to get her to go to therapy but her excuse is always money. (Although money for cigarettes and beer is plentiful it seems). She refuses couples counseling because she knows it would end up being solo counseling for her.

Where do people like this who are estranged from their families, (by their own choice) who cannot maintain steady employment and who will not seek mental health counseling end up?  How do you help somebody who refuses help?

Breaks my heart... .

[once removed]

do you think she may also be depressed?

[Pytagoras]

Hi crestfallen1972,

I am sorry you are passing trough rough times there.

It's not easy to sensitize someone with BPD for the need of therapy. I tried that for months with my BPD gf, and she refused and also felt offended. Luckly, out of the blue, she decided that it would be good for her and she is in therapy for months now. And, altough she is more able now to recognize that she has a problem to deal with, sometimes she states that she is in therapy to learn how to have the strength to get rid of toxic relationships like ours ( when she is in "It's your fault mode" ).

Therapy only works when patients are really motivated to change. Patients are one of the main ingredients of therapy.

The situation you describe ( unemployed, spending the evenings sleeping, alcohol abuse ) tends to aggravate the situation.

In my opinion, I think you should continue to improve your life, do things you like to do, and as far as your relationship is concerned, continue with those healthy attempts at communication as you did in your car. There is not much else you can do but be present, try to have healthy communication, stand by her side as a support, try not to react so much with her agressions ( it's not really about you ) and the degradation of her life.

There's not much you can do, but to improve yourself.

[crestfallen1972]

Once removed, she is absolutely depressed and the drinking just compounds it.